Your Loss
 

Evil MIL sent baby DD a birthday card. I've gone over several hundred possible variations of how I can react, but returning the card via USPS with Return To Sender written across it seems to be the the best that I can come up with.

The part that is frustrating is that a stupid, completely unwanted card is riling me up so bad. I hate that woman. I want her forever out of my life and I hope she dies before my kids even have an opportunity to make a choice to know her on their own. I know I can't control who they have relationships with when they get older but oh man, the idea of that evil woman EVER knowing my kids makes me sick.

I'm thinking of all the creative ways that I hope my HP exacts revenge on her; all of her toenails falling off, she starts growing a really thick beard daily, etc. and then I realized I already am giving her what she deserves: no relationship with me or my children. How miserable must it be to be such a terrible human being that you're not allowed to see your own grandchildren. I feel bad that my children don't have emotionally and mentally healthy grandparents but I'm happy that I'm healthy enough to stand my ground and protect them from sick people.

; all of her toenails falling off, she starts growing a really thick beard daily, etc. a

Stung I hope I never get on your bad side LOL that's awesome!

:a043: Stung.....sorry, but I can't remember how they are so bad. My curiosity has been peaked (I think it is because of the beard thing).

Could you explain it in a couple of condensed sentences........?

Thanks


dandylion

She went out of her way to tell me that she doesn't believe in divorce, because she is a zealot Catholic, but she believes AH should divorce me because the way I was treating him wasn't right (kicking him out of our home because he was getting black out drunk, fleeing our home with our girls because he was blackout drunk.) That everything he was doing was my fault and that I'm a bad person. This was right after I had baby DD. When AH was blackout drunk and grabbed my arm, it was my fault, according to her.

Then AH told her to appologize and she said she was sorry that what she said had upset me. BAHAHAHA Well played, evil witch. The ultimate backhanded apology. Now she's acting as if I don't exist and it's just AH and our kids. I can't control her access to AH but I can control her access to my children. She can treat AH like he's 33 going on 12 as long as he wants to allow her to do so. I have no interest in allowing her in my or my kids' lives though.

Stung,

If you've hung around here long, you've heard the expression "letting someone live rent free in your head." I have no doubt that your MIL is a pill, but you are giving this woman the penthouse. Throw the card in the trash and move on.

stung......got it...... Thanks.

dandylion

Stung, I'm going to give you a gentle slap in the face here, or maybe a (((((hug)))))), you are most likely dealing with a person with a personality disorder.

It was hard for me to do this. But, put the poison down, and stop taking it, thinking that it will hurt the person that is hurting you. It doesn't work that way. Detachment works. I need to remind myself of this everyday.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

If the card has money in it, just take the money. Put it towards college funds.

I hate my mil too but I know one day I am going to have to work through that for me, not for her. But I hate her in a very inappropriate way (the beard way).

I can't judge because I feel it too but it's not good for either one of us.

In no way am I making "light" of your situation. I think that sometimes we are so disgusted with what we are dealing with, that we at times tend to project this to another person. I get all of that. Your H blamed you, then MIL backed him up. Thats what mothers do. Not me though.

I can understand the animosity. I really can.

I took poison for so long hoping some one else would die from it, until I realized that it was killing me.

I had to learn, let go, let God.

Still don't understand that, but most times it works for me.

Pls note I am going thru a really bad period right now, and I am hoping that this is helpful, and not hurtful.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Oh, I know this is extreme and super unhealthy. Believe me, I know. But a few months ago I would have actually acted on this and texted either her or AH and raged on about how angry this makes me. I haven't done anything about it but vent here. Baby steps, but it is progress.

For the most part she's out of sight and out of mind. This feels like an invasion and it makes me piping mad and dredges up all of my past hurts from her. You know the saying "hurt people hurt other people"? I'm hurt, and my initial reaction is to hit her back. I never have though, I always take the high road and try to hide the steam coming out of my ears while doing so.

I guess throwing it away elicits zero response while returning it gives me some satisfaction of hitting her back. I'll just throw it away.

Sometimes no response is the best response.

Stung, I really do know how you feel. Sometimes it is completely alien to us to be this way, but sometimes it is how we have to be.

Also, thank you for taking this to the board instead of responding.

I do hear you!!!!!!!!!!! I also appreciate your rant. You needed to get it out.

You know a lot of times, when things are bothering me, I call my friend. I tell her that I just need to rant, so that she could put it in her "box", instead of me keeping it in my "box" which I keep opening. (lol)

Toss it in the trash and forget about it, just as you do all junk mail.

I really doubt there is money in there, but I'd check before you toss it ;)
Also, my nosy side would need to know what she wrote, even if it pissed me off more lol

LOL!! That's exactly what I'm doing here. Once it's out of my virtual mouth and mind it's not so consuming anymore.

I know myself well enough to know that there isn't anything she could write that wouldn't make me mad besides her saying that she's sorry for being such an awful grandmother. Doubt she is having such a self realization in her 70s so I'll just save myself from even opening it.

Oh, man, the MIL stories I could share. Mine is positively toxic & I have been NC with her for oh, about 15 years or so? She is malicious in the way she manipulates & destroys relationships & a compulsive liar to boot. I don't for one second doubt there is possible mental illness, but I don't care to find out either. Not my monkey, not my circus, don't even wanna see the show. So grateful that they live in another state. I'm adding that to today's Gratitude List; thanks Stung!

I'm glad that this is ONE area that RAH & I are in complete agreement on - she/they have no relationship with DD. None. She doesn't even refer to them as her grandparents - she calls them "Dad's mom & dad" because they are foreigners to her. The few times she has seen them at funerals or family reunions, she always expresses extreme discomfort around MIL especially. Duh - of course she does, that's MY kid - the one taking classes on listening to her gut instincts.... she recognizes Crazy from 100 yards away. ;)

I wish AH was no contact with her too but I can't control him. If he wants to keep her in his life that's his choice. He understands that the girls and I are a packaged deal though and his FOO is unwelcome in our lives.

Firesprite, I have to ask, do you have your DD in literal 'gut instincts' classes or do you mean she is learning from you? If it's the former, how did you find them and what are they called? I would like something like that for myself (lol) and for my daughters when they're older.

Stung,

Rev up the Prius and pretend you run her over...

Thanks for the chuckle tonight!

Kinda literally, lol. I really don't know WHAT they are called - she goes to the Reiki/Healing Center where I attend classes & healing sessions. They rotate through all kinds of lessons - meditations, basic energy/reiki work, chakras & breathing exercises, tarot, tuning into your Guides to better "hear" them, EFT, mental telepathy exercises - like she puts an item from her gift shop in a box & asks them to just go with their first gut instincts - what do you see in your mind's eye? What color, size, shapes? Whoever is closest wins the item, lol. I think the last time DD guessed "right" she said things like "purple - wings - movement" or something silly sounding like that & it was a lavender colored butterfly pin inside. She teaches them how their auras extend beyond their physical bodies & interact with others without words & how that feeds into the "feelings" & "knowings" we sometimes have that we can't explain. Sometimes they sit around & have a good old-fashioned drum circle.

She teaches the classes off the cuff so there's no formal schedule or lesson plans, per se. She teaches them what she/they feel led to do. Sometimes their discussions lead her teachings, like when they all expressed stress & concern over the upcoming state testing at school a few months back. She works with them a lot on different kinds of meditations & visualizations. Now DD creates her own versions of these after paying attention to the things that resonated with her. ("Pink always makes me feel better mom, so when I'm sad & I am meditating, I fill my mind with pink, everything is a shade of pink....the trees, the sun, the grass, my clothes.. and I can't help but feel better right away.") She is trying to tune them into the knowing that they were each born with specific & special gifts that they just have to tune in to their bodies & minds to understand, appreciate & master.

And yes, we live our lives that way too. I lead by example in this capacity, we collect crystals & rocks & learn about their healing energies. We set our alarms for 3am so we can drag our sleepy butts out of bed to witness eclipses. We burn sage & apply feng shui when placing items in our house or rooms. We talk openly about gratitude & prayer & including our loved ones in those thoughts. I teach her yoga when she is patient enough to slow down & listen. (she loved it when she was 3-4, then fell out of practice but I know she'll be back)

When she was about 3, builders started clearing the lot next to our house to build a new home. She would become inconsolable when they were tearing up the ground, ripping down huge, beautiful trees. "Don't you hear it Mama?",she'd ask, "don't you HEAR those trees CRYING?" I think she was born a nature-baby, full of light & I'm just nurturing her natural path.

CodeJob, AH has my Prius indefinitely. He loves driving it. I have his little sports car complete with two carseats in the back. He bought it right before our first daughter's first birthday. It's the epitome of selfish actions, especially since he doesn't even enjoy or appreciate driving or cars in general. Towards the end of the year I plan on trading his car in for something else, but I'm not sure what yet. I wish Teslas would stop catching on fire because I really want to drive one but really I don't want to burn alive in one!!!

FireSprite, you are so freaking cool! Your daughter sounds like she's taking after you, and that's awesome. I should look into Reiki. I've heard good things about it from a running friend of mine but I don't know much about it outside of what she's told me. I'm skeptical of how someone can make pain go away without ever touching your body, but she swears by it!

This looks Eco enough for CA and way cheaper than a Tesla. Stash the money somewhere you save... ;) freakin Prius coasting around trying to get max mileage.... Sigh.

https://www.subaru.com/vehicles/xv-c...-features.html

Stung, my son has a MIL quite as toxic as yours. It's common knowledge that she hates him! Over time, and it did take time, he's learned to laugh at how pathetic she is, rather than get angry. There was also a period of adjustment for my DIL towards her mother, so that the mother has much less power over her, and she knows it and is back in her box. She really can be appalling, but I've kept it polite because I feel sorry for her.

I hope over time your MIL becomes less of a dragon to you, and more of a paper dragon.

Stung, I think there are two issues here. One is how you FEEL, and the other is what you are going to DO.

You are, as all of us are, absolutely and definitively entitled to feel any and all feelings that you have. You don't have to swallow them, deny them, suppress them, ignore them. You have the right to feel whatever you feel. And, from my experience, this is a d*mn good place to express them.

You might, however, choose to act on the basis of what your mind reasons will have the best outcome for you and your kids. And that is probably NOT poking sticks into the witches' cage.

But you get to imagine doing that, and if you really want to, you can do it. You'll just have to go through the consequence of your MIL feeling provoked and retaliating, and be in a similar situation to where you are now. It took me time after time of processing the same feelings to start to have them let go. I wasn't ready until I was ready.

ShootingStar1

I talked to my counselor about this and it has been swirling around in my head since then but my anger is dissipating.

My counselor feels as though I have some very strong resentments against my MIL and the way to rid myself of resentments (evict her from my mind) is to pray for her. I said I have been praying for her toenails for fall off and my counselor said that I'm praying wrong. LOL Apparently when you pray for bad people it allows you to release the anger or the resentments. End result is that you spend less time thinking about bad people and more time thinking about good stuff and good people and yourself. I asked her if this was like when you say "bless their heart" about someone and what you really mean is "F You" and she said it could be similar. I don't have to like her just because I'm praying for her to be less awful.

So I opened the birthday card this morning after praying that MIL finds recovery soon because she's already wasted a lot of her life being awful and miserable. Maybe it's not too late for her even though she's in her 70s. And oh boy, it would be very inspirational if she could find recovery because her whole life has been effected by alcohol. Raised by an alcoholic father, married an alcoholic, had 5 children, 3 of which became alcoholics and 1 of those died drunk driving and the other 2 struggle big time trying to quit. I hope she finds recovery before she dies.

Then I opened the card. It said "Hello (Baby DD's Name). Love grandma and pa."

I took a deep breath and repeated in my mind that I hope she finds recovery and threw it away. Then I gave myself a pat on the back for keeping my girls away from her because she's freaking weird in addition to being super mean.

Stung- I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you.

But can I ask, what would bother you more that she didn't send a card to your daughter or the fact that she did?

Be glad she sent a card and didn't come over. Try to change your perspective on the situation.

The anger is only keeping you in a chaotic state of mind.

Your resentment is doing you a whole lot more damage than it is her and you're letting her live rent-free in your head. "Your not punished for your anger, you're punished with your anger", a Buddhist saying. I recommend Alanon.

Stung,

Why is the card such a trigger? This thread is a week out and you are still fired up and it sounds like MIL took up a fair amount of counseling time too. Honestly I don't see my MIL much and there is such an age difference that I just respect her and let her have her quirky space several states away... But isn't a grandma supposed to send a card? Isn't what she wrote pretty standard Hallmark signature?

I wonder if you are mis-focused to spare your H? How is he doing? Perhaps her role regarding your H's issues is on your mind as you raise your kids and deal with him and your own FOO issues? Being a parent is scary and humbling - particularly when YOU are the main parent. Nothing like torching the green man as a stand in...

As for praying for those you are a wee bit ready to toss onto the pyre, well I have done this. I used to pray for one of my bosses to get hit by a bus. She took one to work most days, so it was a convenient set up. God did not answer that prayer and then some people waiting for a commuter train got KILLED by a bus so I decided to pray that this person got a great opportunity to transfer to a great city (far away). Boom chaca chaca - opportunity of a lifetime for her. Adios chica!

So ever since then I've been known that even when I participate in the office/family gossip, I then turn around and say something positive or empathetic about the person. Often I say, well they aren't happy so hopefully a great opportunity will arise. And I pray that it does... and it does without fail.

Hugs to you. Have you tried this SUP board stuff? Apparently it is even done in the 'ponds' where I reside and I am thinking about trying it for core work & laughter as I am sure to fall off.

The fact that she sent a card is worse. Here's why: she has consistently ignored my children and refused to acknowledge them for one reason or another. I prefer consistency. She literally has to be in contact with AH at least once a day, because God forbid that he fart and she not know about it, but she completely ignored my children when they were actually in need and I asked for her help.

I don't like the pretending that things are on some kind of level of civility when there is none. If she wants to tell my husband that she wishes our daughter a happy birthday, then do that. She sent that card to my house knowing that *I* would be the one receiving and opening it. I don't know any other 1 year old children who receive or open mail. If you're sending me a card for my child, start with an apology, otherwise I don't want it. I'm not in the business of keeping the peace or going along to get along or ignoring my hurt feelings for the sake of someone else's pride. New Stung is not stuffing her feelings for someone else's comfort anymore.

I know I'm reading way too far into A MEASLY CARD. It just makes me so frustrated because everything with this woman is a triangulation thing. My husband defends her saying "well all she wanted was…" or "all she's trying to do is…" or "…is it really asking so much?" YES!! It's too much. I don't want this person in my life. I get to choose that. My kids are babies so I get to choose for them too right now. Baby DD is completely unaware of birthdays at this point in her life. All the while almost 3 year old DD is aware of all holidays and MIL completely ignores her. MIL can suck it. I hate her guts. My kids do have, know and love a grandma and it isn't her.

And it triggers the ever living crap out of me because I feel like she has consistently wronged my children by ignoring them. It makes me go into crazy mama bear mode. Either be gone or be present, and a card doesn't make her anymore present in their lives but it makes it a reminder to me that she is still around and it makes me feel like I have no control over anything especially since MIL is more controlling and manipulative and conniving than I'll ever be.

And I do go to alanon, I've been going for a month now. It helps a lot with dealing with my alcoholic husband and my NPD mom. I still want them in my life. I don't want MIL in my life. I want her to leave me and my children alone. If she wants contact with my kids about anything, do it through AH, why me?!