Hi confused! I have come back to this wonderful site after thinking that I had recovered but don't think I have.

I wanted to let you know that I was in exactly your position this time last year. My husband also walked out on me and my 2 children so that he could drink vodka. I was totally devasted and grief stricken. I didn't see it coming and it happened very suddenly. I am better than I was but it has taken a lot of time.

These are the things that I have done which I found really helped me...
Walking and walking and walking just as you are now..
I joined the family support side of a local rehab centre (husband had attended once) and they were fantastic in getting me counselling and group support
I read Co-dependent No More and recognised myself in the book so started learning more about it
Read up loads on alcoholism and what to do if married to an A (the overwhelming message was get out!
Walking led me to join a gym...I've got a gold membership so do about 3 or 4 classes a week and lost 2 stone. This has made me feel so much better about myself!
Stayed close to SR
Read a book about grief and its stages as I felt I was experiencing full blown grief...waited for the anger stage so that I could look forward to the final stage of acceptance. I think I am almost there but when I stupidly looked at his FB page yesterday and saw he was on holiday with his AGF felt full blown rage and anger again which is why I'm back here!

Reading what you are going through and all the replies have really helped me.

I tried NC and know how hard it is. AH did get in touch about 6 months ago and I really got my hopes up that we would sort things out, but guess what? He backed away again at my suggestion that we meet up. I got really upset and hurt yet again.

I did go a few more months NC then stupidly sent him an email asking again if we might be able to talk. A few nice e-mails went back and forth but no he wont meet up to talk. Lesson learnt I wont be trying again as I just get hurt each time.

Sending lots of healing hugs and be patient with yourself...time really is a great healer.

I am sorry for what you have gone through and that you find yourself back here but welcome back :).

My Ah is planning on a holiday with his friends the same man when he was at home you couldn't have thought about even a weekend away as we had to clear all our debt. I haven't reached full blown anger yet I have experienced small bursts but it never lasts long and I go back to feeling empty and hurt. He sent me a text message last week saying again I want to be on my own drink is a major part I want to have a drink and realistically you don't, that's grand but increasingly I was feeling more and more guilt over this I want a lifestyle where I can enjoy a drink if that means passing out then so be it. It felt that he was saying if you had a drink non of this would be happening. I tried the whole having a drink with him but for me it didn't work it made me more anxious and I wouldn't be the type of person who enjoys having a drink watching TV whereas he does. I didn't even reply but it's been playing on my mind.

I never realised how incredible selfish addicts are. I am currently reading how to stop being addicted to a person and I had to laugh at a paragraph where it said that most people will give careful consideration to ending a marriage the impact on children and their partner etc. I laughed my AH certainly didn't he binged heavily in February then told me he hadn't been happy for a few weeks in the house but he doesn't know why I think I have to leave again. Lots of careful consideration and working on things. And yes he was unhappy as he was binging more and more and I was adamant that he would seek help and he didn't want to as he doesn't have a problem with drink and can control it himself!!!!

I have read co dependent no more and like you I could see myself.....it was scary lol and I have just ordered another book by the same author the language of letting go this was recommended by another on this site and have read all I can get my hands on about alcoholism but I have reached a point where I don't want to keep reading about his problems but focus on me and my kids.

Walking is good and well done you on losing weight and looking after yourself and your kids I find it reassuring that the hurt and empty feeling doesn't last forever

Full blown anger will come with time. I also had short bursts interspersed with intense pain and hurt. The feelings of anger though gradually escalated to the point where I wanted to go round to his flat unannounced and rip his head off! This coincided with all the pain and anguish etc.

I also felt the emptiness and loneliness. I still miss the closeness and intimacy that we once had, the cuddles in bed etc. However the acute pain does ease...I went for months crying daily wondering if I would ever come to terms with it. I recall my counsellor saying that 'you are now though emotionally safe' and me thinking I just want my husband back!

I am about to start reading the language of letting go...

Oh and I had the 'if you let me drink vodka I would be able to control it'!! Hahaha! 'Its all your fault blah blah blah' yep I hold my hands up I did try to stop him from drinking vodka in the home but that was because work colleagues had smelt alcohol on his breath and I was really worried that he would lose his high powered job in the upper eschelons of government...yes that is where he is and thank goodness this is an anonymous forum. In Parliament deals are done over drinks at lunchtime..there are loads of pubs around Parliament for doing business meetings...well it led to our marriage breaking down..
Please don't contact him..it will only lead to more hurt and pain...I have tried to save us and it has only led to further hurt and pain for me?

My dear, your posts just break my heart. He is making it crystal clear that he wants to drink more so than any relationship in his life. No question.

It's time to move forward in your life with the understand he is never going to be that sober man that you want in your life. Never. He does not want that. As far as him drinking around your kids, they are of an age you can talk to them about that and what they should do should that happen.

Look at his selfish behavior. What if one of your children were with a person who were treating them this way, what would your advise be?

Stop looking for excuses for him. Stop trying to blame yourself and his friends and anyone else. He is the addict, he is to blame. No one else. Remember that.

You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. When you go NC not only is it good that you don't speak to him, it's good if you don't even know what's going on in his lowly life. When you are tempted to check up on him, stop yourself and remember you are only punishing yourself, not him.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Until he finds rock bottom, and there is a possibility he won't, he will never be the same person he once was. Never. You want him to want the marriage, to want sobriety, to be a good husband and father. He does not want those same things in his life.

I don't say these things to hurt you, but more so to wake you up so to speak. You seem a bit depressed and so many times a person who is depressed wants to blame themselves. You have a chance, an opportunity, at a life without this hurt and anxiety. You can do this. You are strong and need to be for you and for your children.

Big hugs, we are here for you.

Wow Hopeful that is a truly wonderful and inspiring post which is so much needed! Thank you so much...its so difficult when you are in the thick of it to see the wider picture!

Thank you hopeful I have needed to cry all day but couldn't I thought I was cried out but no and I've just applied my eye cream to reduce the red puffiness lol.

I know what your saying is right I just don't understand how he can go from one day wanting a a future with me and never wanting to lose me to leaving the next. I never will and he isn't trying to figure things out he's doing what he wants and no restrictions no wonder he doesn't feel guilt any more he thinks he's left so that's it!!

I know he is responsible for his actions but I can't help but feel if I had been better prettier good enough he wouldn't have left but I am working through this.

I just feel empty, numb and lonely. I tried to struggle through the first 6 weeks of work after he left but was no use to anyone I just sat in my office and cried I took 2 weeks off on annual leave and fell apart I have been off work now for 8 weeks but I plan on going back in 2 weeks time. I'm definitely in a better place and I have a long road ahead of me.

I do miss him the person he can be when he wasn't binging or consumed by thoughts of alcohol.

Confused--another thing to remember....Alcoholism is progressive....ALWAYS. If you had let him drink in the house...he would drink more and more....and doing it in front of YOU and the CHILDREN.

Did you want to keep watching that and exposing your kids to that sight, daily??

It is not humanly possible to be pretty enough to stop this dreadful disease. Alsoholics drink because they have the disease (unlesss they work a strong program for the rest of their lives).

As was suggested above--stop blaming yourself---your suffering does not do one thing to cause him to stop drinking. The disease does not care one whit about your tears and broken heart. He is in denial about all of this. ALCOHOLISM IS CALLED THE DISEASE OF DENIAL.

It is o.k. to cry---it is natures way of getting the negative energy out of your body. It is part of the grieving and healing process.

Stay determined to keep to your path of healing from this awful wound.

dandylion

Thanks dandylion. He did drink in the house, I agreed after one of our splits and would drink until he passed out but it wouldn't have been every night and after he stopped running with his friends he wouldn't have drank every weekend. I guess because of my anxiety he didn't feel he could drink as often as he wanted which was why his binging the next day increased I think. Not that I'm blaming myself As you know he struggled for years with his addiction and at times he seemed to have it beat.

I think that's why I am so shocked that he would leave so he can drink because I thought he was controlling it then February came and everything fell apart again although in hindsight he may have just been telling himself he could control it as he wanted his family and maybe he realised he couldn't anymore or didn't want to keep trying to control his urges as it became to difficult for him.

I don't know just trying to make sense of a senseless disease

You can't control it if you've an alcoholic unless you stop drinking entirely. End of story.
Moderation doesn't work for us. Believe me, if it did I'd be moderating several pints a week.

So you need to stop thinking things like "if I had let him drink like he wanted he wouldn't be worse".

It is a progressive disease.
It is a progressive disease
And did I mention, it is a progressive disease?

What you did or didn't do about his drinking is not a salient feature in this equation.

What you will do to move forward on your own is.

More laps on the beach for you, young lady :wavey:

how he can go from one day wanting a a future with me and never wanting to lose me to leaving the next.

the thing is he didn't make those choices in three days. he had been conflicted for a long time, tried drowning it all in booze...he knew he couldn't BE that guy....a good husband and a dedicated father. either he could not or just didn't want to. so he kept SAYING the right things, but DOING just the opposite.

he's been showing you what he is really about for a long time.