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Originally Posted by Confused39
(Post 4718846)
I am glad I was able to help new beginnings I know how hard it is to stay away my AH walked out 3 months ago and I still struggle with understanding this addiction. Lovesymphony. Thank you for your reply. I have seen over the years how strong the urge is for my AH to drink and at times how he has fought these urges. I have seen him wake up the next morning after a binge and the urge to continue drinking is so strong he can't control it and other times he can. I have seen and heard him so remorseful that he is in the depths of despair for days but very shortly his AV is telling him he doesn't need help he can manage this himself and the cycle begins. He hasn't had these long episodes of despair since he left but I know that because he feels his addiction isn't causing any problems to anyone and his behaviour isn't impacting on anyone. He hasn't continued drinking the next day either but that's because he knows that if he wants a drink that night he can have one and it will get worse when he moves to live on his own as he will have no one to consider. I have tried to help him tried to understand been a codie and other times let him get on with it without any input from me. He use to ask me if I minded if he had a drink and I would say it's up to you. He has a real issue with not being told what he can and can't do......his inner child. What I don't understand and maybe never will is how can he walk out on his wife and kids after 18 years together because he wants to be on his own and drink when he wants after everything he promised and is supposed to be in love with me this is a question I keep coming back to. Why is his wife and kids and a future that he said he wanted not enough for him to quit drinking?? You think there is "reason" or "logic" operating here? Addicts are addicted. What is moral, reasonable, and just plain good sense doesn't apply. I think it is time you started thinking about what happens when he loses his job as the drinking increases. It will if it hasn't already. How are you going to protect yourself and your kids financially and emotionally as he spirals down? Time for a reality check for yourself. Quit focusing on him and his "reasons" This is what it's doing to you: :a043: Get back out on the beach woman and walk this off. The beaches are very lovely where you are--I loved the countryside as well. Don't mean to be tough--back and forth is pretty normal right now but keep looking forward, not back :grouphug: |
Lol hawkeye thank you you have made me laugh to day with the get back out on the beach woman and walk this off lol Financially I will be ok I have a good job and even if he stops giving me the little he gives me I will be able to manage my kids and I will be financially ok it will be tight but we will manage. I'm not sure if he will ever reach the point where his alcoholism affects his job even when he lived on his own before he was still able to get up for work the next day going to his work has always been a priority for him and if he was dying the next day he would take a day off without any problems. I think it's about 16 years since he lost a job through his addiction and that was when he would disappear for days at a time!! |
Confused---invariably, holidays are very difficult...I think they trigger the nostalgia in all of us. This is very human and normal....albeit painful at the same time. Have a cry (if needed)....then do something to distract yourself. Maybe, you and the kids do something together.....? Thank goodness the day will be over in several hours!!!!!!!!! This is a bit off topic---my ex-husband was from Belfast. Graduated from Queens. I spent about 5 days, once in Belfast and the surrounding areas. Went to a sweet town at the northern tip. I so desperately wanted to bump into Van Morrison......but, no such luck! I loved that visit. The country was lovely and the people were so nice to me--the visiting American!!!!!!!! dandylion |
It is a lovely place and the people are very friendly and the countryside is beautiful although we don't always get the weather it rains a lot and is cold. I'm making the most of the warm weather today lol I think today and this week is particularly hard as it's our 17th wedding anniversary on Thursday and we would normally be on holiday this week. I just miss him today actually it's still everyday. Hawkeye is right there is no logic to addiction but I struggle with how do I move forward if I don't know why certain things have happened if I can't fully understand. |
Originally Posted by Confused39
(Post 4718913)
Hawkeye is right there is no logic to addiction but I struggle with how do I move forward if I don't know why certain things have happened if I can't fully understand. Untie your own hands and accept that things are the way they are whether or not you understand it. Sending you strength and courage to give yourself permission to move forward. |
SparkleKitty---you make such a good point.....that has often applied to me. At times I have had to stop and accept that I will never completely understand some things....usually, after I have worn myself to a nubbin, struggling. This is a hard one to learn. SparkleKitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dandylion |
Today I am scared of moving forward I'm scared that once he's figured things out and he's no longer confused he won't want to Work on our marriage or won't want me and he will realise he's not in love with me. Today I don't want a future without him I want him to work on himself get sober then work to save out marriage. This is my insecurities that he won't love me that I'm not good enough for someone to love. Stupid I know I should be focusing on my own recovery and looking after myself not worrying about him and the future. What will be will be |
What if by having no contact he gets used to life without me. Having serious doubts today and feeling very anxious |
confused....take a good HARD look at the person you have entrusted with your own self worth. a man with a long history of addiction who has now walked out on his wife AND children with hardly a glance over his shoulder because it's more important to him that he be able to do what HE wants, drink as much as HE wants, and not have a single responsibility to the family he abandoned. if you read that story here from another poster, wouldn't you ask yourself why on earth she would want someone like that back??? even if he does "love" you - is this the quality of love you really want? as long as we look to others to fulfill us and validate us, we will ALWAYS be unsatisfied and needy. if we do not believe ourselves loveable no one else can fix that. it's an inside job. |
Yep ^^^ Anvilhead. Code Job's full frontal assault on Codie behavior in no particular order: 1. Running 2. Running buddy = friend = excuse to hang out away from ground 0 3. Therapy (self, DS, marital failed after 2 sessions) 4. Codependent No More - read once, then repeat 5. Language of Letting Go - carry it like a bible for one year, year 2 Courage to Change 6. Higher Power - work it out if this is an issue it's time to figure the issue out 7. SR 8. Al Anon - literature and meetings and steps - as much as you can stomach 9. SSRI 10. Meditation &/or prayer. 11. Sleep when you can 12. Laugh at anything even slightly funny. 13. Live in the truth. |
Thank you I just feel as though I'm going crazy some days with wanting him to get sober & come home and other days I think I wouldn't take him back even if he was sober and wanted me back not that I think he will. It just hurts so much after everything I've done to support him. There are days actually most days all I do is think about him what he thinking how he feels and days where it doesn't matter he's left us so he can be on his own do what he wants and drink!! Is it normal for my mind to be all over the place and to be so unsure of what I want for my life? |
sure, it's "normal" for someone who spends all their time in someone else's head! here's the thing....the only thoughts we can ever KNOW for sure are our own. we are not mind readers. in fact, we usually aren't even very good guessers. his motives, his thoughts, feelings, reasons, whatever....are all HIS. you've been projecting your own inner needs ON to him. instead of listening to your own inner voice, facing your own fears - you project over into HIM. the LOVE you want, that you miss, that you need is your own SELF love. that is what your heart is crying out for. just as he abandoned you physically, somewhere along the way you abandoned yourself. think inner child and all that. you ALWAYS have you. you just have to find you again, crawl back into your skin, return your thoughts to your own head. keep it simple. he left. period. yeah it hurts, and it really sux. but it is what it is. when our car gets a flat, find out what CAUSED the flat does not FIX the flat. we have to move forward, take the wheel off, take it to the tire store and they will either repair it if possible or you get a new one. (or in my case with all wheel drive, you have to replace all four). they might pull out a nail and you could spend all day long asking the nail WHY. but the nail ain't talking... |
Confused---to answer your question.....YES, it is normal for your mind to be all over the place and questioning yourself. This is what grief is like. Feel o.k. one minute and completely upside down a little while later. Expect this for a while longer....although you are doing amazingly well for the stage you are in......you haven't healed yet. It will come....but more like the turtle than the rabbit. Be assured that this is NOT PERMANENT. Improvement comes in gradual increments. Like the waves of the ocean---the tidal waves come less frequently and are smaller each time that they do come.....the seas will gradually become smooth, again. You are on the right path. dandylion |
Originally Posted by Confused39
(Post 4719199)
What if by having no contact he gets used to life without me. Having serious doubts today and feeling very anxious Keep up the therapy, build your support network and get out there with friends. You'll cope better with whatever happens if you've built up your own life. You'll be amazed at the networks of now-single mature women out there who make great friends, and not ones you have to worry about all the time. |
Thank you. I think I am also feeling guilty and selfish myself. While he was caring for his uncle I kept texting him and asking all these questions I tortured him as I wanted answers and didn't understand why all of a sudden he left especially after everything he promised. Then when his uncle died I had spurts of asking questions then I stopped and decided no contact after the funeral I feel that I have let him down by not being there to support him through his grieve. Feeling that I behaved very selfishly since he left. |
Confused---he was behaving selfishly with you years before he left. He left because he needed to drink without interference from wife or children. Do not forget this. dandylion |
Thank you dandylion. I suppose part of my recovery is looking within myself I just need to be careful not to beat myself up and blame myself over everything. |
Originally Posted by Confused39
(Post 4720526)
Thank you dandylion. I suppose part of my recovery is looking within myself I just need to be careful not to beat myself up and blame myself over everything. The mantra of 'I can't control other people's behaviour, but I can control my reaction to it' had helped me get through some very difficult times. |
Back to the beach, woman ;) Walk a mile, or two, or three in your own shoes Rinse and repeat tomorrow . . . |
Feeling great I think I will get that tattoed on me lol Hawkeye I'm on my way lol |
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