Thank you it's baby steps :tyou

Confused----I have always known that you were capable of doing this!!!!!!!!

A journey of a thousand miles is made up of single baby steps. LOL

Seriously, I have followed you carefully---and I am quite proud of your considerable progress.

dandylion

I agree totally

There is already a big difference in your perspective

You are really moving forward--sending you a big hug :grouphug:

Then I go and mess everything up by contacting him about Father's Day!!!! We of course get into an argument about his drinking and friends. I said again that when he moves into his own place I don't want him drinking when the kids are with him nor do I want his friends near my kids. He hung up then sent me a nasty text message about how he will decide if he drinks or not and who is round his kids and it's nothing to do with me and how I need to stop telling him what to do!! I tried to ring him back but he wouldn't answer and he eventually rang me back and apologised for hanging up and getting angry but it felt that I was telling him what to do. I told him what he does is non of my business but when he is with the kids it is my business. He said he wouldn't have those friends anywhere near his kids and won't drink when they are with him. I said to him you can't keep spitting your dummy out of the pram just because something is said that you don't like that this isn't about either of us it's about the kids and he needs to put aside his childish behaviours when it comes to them and behave like an adult!! He said you make it sound as though you don't. Trust me.......seriously how could I trust anything he says or promises after everything that's happened.

Anyway the conversation ended and I broke down in tears feel incredibly stupid and weak for contacting him and allowing myself to become so upset. I was doing so well and now I'm back to square one!!!!

Quick----climb back up on the horse. Start counting......

dandylion

((Hug)) It's a learning process.

I have a friend with adult children who went through this a few years ago and she kept letting herself get upset by his actions when she contacted him or let him contact her about the kids or the divorce. He didn't change and hasn't changed. They were married for 26 years. The relationship is a dance, a push-pull. Someone has to start sitting it out, even if they play your favorite song. He's just going to step on your toes.

Father's Day is an emotional landmine. It's understandable that you would think he would do the right thing, but it was not to be.

The kids in my friend's divorce now have nothing to do with their father. They watched in agony for 26+ years and they are done.

Your kids are smart and intuitive. They are going to be sad and hurt but it isn't your fault and you can't save them from this. Take them out for a nice meal yourself.

You're not back to square one at all--now you have seen and felt the value of NC
where before you couldn't even focus for a day on it.

You are making progress. Don't doubt it and each thing that happens you are learning from.
Alcoholics are very good at making the people around them doubt themselves, and I should know having been one for many years.

Trust yourself and your process.

I think NC will be the hardest thing we will do. I wonder if it will be harder than the divorce itself? Idk, my AH and I go in spurts of NC. But when we talk, I end up getting my feelings hurt. Maybe they do it to see if we still care? To make sure the hooks are still in?

All of the above. And to gain the "high ground" in the marriage negotiation.

I got back on the horse dandylion and there has been no further contact despite wanting to contact him and ask questions. He said to me earlier that he feels as though he has f***** things up with us and usually I would have reassured him that he hasn't and I actually wanted to ring him back and tell him he hasn't but the more I thought about it the more I realised that he actually has. Even if he got sober I'm not sure I would go back!!

I have been thinking about what he said about not telling him what to do and something I read about an alcoholics development struck a cord. I have read that their cognitive development becomes stuck at the age their addiction started. My AH addiction definitely started when he was about 16 which is about the age of the don't tell me what to do stage and as I think back over our marriage he hated to think he was being told to do something and would have done the exact opposite just to prove that he doesn't do what anyone tells him what to do he does what he wants which is exactly what he is doing now. I was forceful about him seeking counselling this time after so many failed attempts at being able to manage himself and he didn't want to so he left so he could what he wants.......drink and sort it out himself which has never worked in the past!!

I took myself out tonight for a drive and ended up at the beach and I walked along the beach venting to myself, it's as well there wasn't many people about lol. It was just what I needed and so calming.

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement

Oh, I think I would be a the beach in a heartbeat right now! Good idea!

WOW---Confused--what a spectacular recovery in just a matter of hours!!! You have come so far.

You are absolutely right on--about the arrested development. You will see time, and, time again, on this board that people say "I feel like I am dealing with an overgrown child!" The frontal lobes of the brain have not finished development in the teen years---and inebriation interferes with this development.

I do love the beach as a p lace that seems to put everything into perspective. It sounds like you are becoming able to see the "big picture".

This whole thing is a process for you. And you are proceeding swimmingly.

Now, for a spot of tea...shall we?

dandylion

It was lovely so peaceful and it is a lovely evening here for a change. There is something about the beach I find very calming. I found a quiet spot in the rocks and watched the waves crashing. If you can go you should go time for yourself

Kettles on dandylion

Hmmm are you sure you have beaches in England? The first one I saw had piles of stones stacked up against the edge of the road we were travelling along. I couldn't work out why they would put all those rocks there..... then I realised there wasn't any sand!

I'm in Northern Ireland and yes we have lovely beaches and England has some beautiful ones lol. Probably not as nice as yours but then our weather definitely isn't as nice lol

Why is it that everyday seems like I am starting all over again? I go to bed every night feeling more positive and feeling like I know my own mind and what I want for my life then I wake up the next morning and doubt what I thought the previous night am I going crazy??

Yesterday was a difficult day as you know I broke no contact and was very upset but got back on the horse and went for a walk to clear my head. By the time I went to bed last night I didn't honestly think I would ever go back to my AH if he turned round and told me he had made a mistake and wanted another chance not after all the other chances. Today I wake up and I'm thinking of a comment my AH made several years ago about how I never compromised. This was in relation to his old friends who I didn't like and who he became a different person while being with them and all he wanted to do was drink with them. Around this time my anxiety increased dramatically because of the type of behaviour these friends were involved in drugs etc and my AH admitted to taking drugs one night with them. Anyway to me I felt I did compromise I wanted him to stop associating with these people but he refused so continued to see them despite how upset and anxious I became. He told me he was only going to keep associating with them until one of their weddings then after that he wanted nothing to do with them. Well it took a further 8months after the wedding until he decided he didn't want to drink with them I was so scared that he would leave me as they were more fun well he did leave me as he couldn't cope with my anxiety and depression any more as he said he wasn't doing anything wrong. This was just before the wedding. We did get back together but I had to agree that he could continue to see these friends before he decided he wanted to come back.

Maybe I didn't compromise and was too demanding wanting everything my way? I think that if I was doing something to hurt my H I would have stopped but maybe he wasn't doing anything wrong and my anxieties caused the problems at that time? I do t know. Anyway that conversation about how I never compromised has been playing in my head all day. And do you know what I didn't when I think back I gave in all my crying and shouting and talking and how his behaviour over the years impacted our marriage my depression and anxiety never changed anything that was the codie in me I guess? He still did what he wanted drank when he wanted except on one occasion when we spilt up and he promised to give up drink if I would give him another chance so I did and he quit for a while before starting up again. Then we agreed that if he wanted to drink he would do it elsewhere and not in our home. His aunts husband died and she was scared to be on her own so he stayed with her every night and drank, that was his way of coping with her!!!! He left again after about a year as I was cracking up about him never being home I was lucky if he stayed at home one night a week. Then came home. We separated another time my decision and in this time he drank every night so when I agreed for him to come home I agreed that he could drink in the house. The next time was because I was challenging him about his friends then he left saying I don't love you any more so he could drink that day. This was the time that he came home the next day and said I can't believe I almost chose drink over you. Then 2 weeks later he was gone again. Throughout this time was the promises of getting help seeing a counsellor then backing out saying I can control my drinking I don't need help I can do this myself and I always let him.

See I kinda think I laid down and let him do what he wanted or am I wrong was I too demanding did I not compromise and want everything my own way? Today I feel that I would take him back. I miss him terribly today not the drunk but the other side of him when he wasn't drinking the kind loving and thoughtful side. It's Father's Day and whether we were together or not he was always here for dinner this year he's not I didn't invite him although I nearly did several times. The sun is shining here and this would normally be the type of day were after dinner we would go for ice cream and a walk along the beach and I miss doing those things with him I miss the nice things and times we had but yet deep down I know that I can't settle for how our marriage was not that I know if he will ever decide he wants to come home and give up his addiction.

I feel that I am going crazy today I miss him and want him home but deep down my marriage had problems. I always thought if I love him enough and he loves me enough and we want to be togetherwe can get through anything but I am starting to realise that love isn't always enough and you can't love someone out of their addiction.

I am going through a similar situation leaving ABF, this has been my first weekend away and my emotions have been up and down, a lot of second guessing and thoughts, but I know deep down it's the right decision and reading your post has helped me to remember as you said " Love isn't always enough and you can't love someone out of their addiction" this is so true and it kind of snapped me out of my regretful thinking... Thank you for your post...

Confused39- Not to downplay his behavior but the urges you have to contact him and work things out are much like what an alcoholic goes through, fighting with their own urges.They have cravings beyond measure, tormenting them continually, urges that I don't think the average person could handle. The average person is just lucky for not being alcoholic and getting the urges.
I'm a recovering alkie and I actually get angry and judgmental toward an obese friend of mine for not eating better after he's been to the hospital for it already. In general I want to roll my eyes over people who say they want to lose weight or stop smoking and don't improve but that's because food and cigarettes aren't my addictions. I've drank to the point of causing myself and others harm, I have to remind myself that.

That said, it's still an alcoholic's duty to find a way to stop drinking and no one should have to put up with someone else's alcoholism.....It's just more difficult than I think a lot of non-alcoholics realize.

I am glad I was able to help new beginnings I know how hard it is to stay away my AH walked out 3 months ago and I still struggle with understanding this addiction.

Lovesymphony. Thank you for your reply. I have seen over the years how strong the urge is for my AH to drink and at times how he has fought these urges. I have seen him wake up the next morning after a binge and the urge to continue drinking is so strong he can't control it and other times he can. I have seen and heard him so remorseful that he is in the depths of despair for days but very shortly his AV is telling him he doesn't need help he can manage this himself and the cycle begins. He hasn't had these long episodes of despair since he left but I know that because he feels his addiction isn't causing any problems to anyone and his behaviour isn't impacting on anyone. He hasn't continued drinking the next day either but that's because he knows that if he wants a drink that night he can have one and it will get worse when he moves to live on his own as he will have no one to consider.

I have tried to help him tried to understand been a codie and other times let him get on with it without any input from me. He use to ask me if I minded if he had a drink and I would say it's up to you. He has a real issue with not being told what he can and can't do......his inner child.

What I don't understand and maybe never will is how can he walk out on his wife and kids after 18 years together because he wants to be on his own and drink when he wants after everything he promised and is supposed to be in love with me this is a question I keep coming back to. Why is his wife and kids and a future that he said he wanted not enough for him to quit drinking??