Very bad couple of weeks
 

Child services is still "investigating" the abuse toward DD9 that was reported against xAH and Im struggling to remain calm and patient while the wheels of "justice" grind away...

In the meantime, I found a nearly empty vodka bottle hidden in my kids closet. Yes. Kids closet. xAH visits with them once a week at my house (court ordered NOT my choice) and I leave.

I don't know how long it has been there but its horrifying he somehow thought storing alcohol in their closet was a good idea.

And the part that I can't stand to talk or think about but need to deal with in some way is that there is a fairly new investigation (which deep down I think I knew was coming and didn't want to admit) coming from a concern from the kids therapist that she suspects sexual abuse toward DD9 by her dad.

I have no ability to stop him from seeing the kids while all of this swirls around. I am having an EXCEPTIONALLY hard time staying centered/calm/grounded and have been more or less a holy mess for the better part of the last 2 weeks.

Prayers are welcome because right now even one day at a time isn't helping me to cope. Im barely managing one hour at a time.

What do you think about the abuse allegation WTBH? Does it seem likely to you? Has DD said anything to you?

Prayers and concern coming your way.

:c024:Where's Nancy Grace when we need her?
Im pretty sure she'd be in ur corner when
child abuse is concerned.

I pray :c016:that relief and peace falls upon
you soon.

I think that DD9 has always behaved baby like with her father even before he moved out. I felt like it was creepy for many years and the kids therapist who they have seen for 2 years nearly has said to xAH and I both that it is not normal.

DD has not said anything directly to me and I haven't asked direct questions but she for some time has been VERY clingy to me, has had bathroom accidents which for a 9 yr old are NOT normal, and what made me go straight to the T was finding photos on her ipod touch of her own body that she clearly did not take that were deeply disturbing...

So, do I think there is something not right? Yes. Do I know the depth of it? No.

I am taking her to see her T again today-- second time this week-- because she is the expert in kids and dealing with trauma and I don't know how to even handle this.

Jesus, I am so sorry. Is there anything we can do for you?

I'm so sorry.

I have dealt with a lot and been able to be strong and hold it together but THIS? Not holding it together at all. Not even a little.

I want to take my kids and run away. But that's not legal and I keep being advised by my lawyer that I need to let the system do its thing.

In the meantime Im one minute away from a complete and utter nervous breakdown and my kids are being hurt and I can't do anything other than sit and wait.

Did therapist report it yet?

Oh yes... she did... girls have been interviewed twice already...

Self-care, be gentle to yourself. Deep breathing, mourning if necessary, cry the tears, take a bath, early bedtimes, many snuggles with the girls. Be gentle to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. We are here for encouraging words.

I just want this to be over. I want him away from my kids so that they can be safe and I am doing everything by the book and following the rules and getting NO WHERE.

Does he need to kill someone before he will have limits on his behavior? Im honestly at my wits end.

Keeping you and your girls in my prayers. I am so sorry for all that you all suffered. May the justice system be wise and swift.

wantobehealthy---have you thought of putting in security cameras--in several parts of the house? I know you need to check with the lawyer to see if it is legal--but, people do it all the time, now---for the obvious security reasons.

It is just a thought that came to me...

dandylion

Dandylion,

Good idea.. Thanks!

I have one outside now but had not considered it inside. I am in a state with ridiculous wire tap/recording laws... I nearly got myself in trouble last summer for telling the cops that I had xAH recorded and thinking that was GOOD as proof. They told me that unless I have his explicit permission to record him I am breaking the law to do so.

So, I have one outside as a security measure but I should check about the indoor one...

You would, of course, need to check, but it seems to me that having security cameras inside your own home to capture anyone doing something would be okay. You wouldn't necessarily be targeting him specifically, but if he showed up commiting a crime, you'd have your proof. After all, he no longer lives there and you are a woman living alone with two girls. Many people use cameras for security.

We have a nanny cam in my grandma's nursing home room. It looks like a teddy bear but my mom can log in and check it all the time.

It is YOUR home, if you want to nanny cam and video for security in your own home I would think that would be legal, but I am no expert that's for sure.

So so very sorry for all you have went through and are going through. I am praying for you and your family.

Please know we are holding your hand and sending you HUGE hugs during this time.

XXX

Just called the police dept to ask and the lieutenant is going to check and let me know...

wantobehealthy---to be absolutely certain--I would still check with an attorney who is practicing in your state--regardless of what the lieutenant says..either way.

I have had police persons misquote the law.....(not intentionally, of course).....

dandylion

good idea... thanks

Call the prosecutors office. They are attorneys and since they would be the ones prosecuting if it came to that, it would be getting it out of the horses mouth so to speak.

Good luck my friend. You are in my heart and prayers.

I'm so sorry WTBH :( I have no advice to offer, just lots and lots of prayers. Sometimes you've just got to take it one minute at a time.

I'm so sorry, I want to have great advice but I don't know anything about dealing with this type of situation. I just wanted to add my hugs & prayers!

Hi WTBH, I don't understand your lawyer. The therapist has reported, the children have been interviewed twice, you have found inappropriate photos on DDs iPod. Surely this is enough to get an interim order for supervised access pending further investigation? What if you took the photos directly to the police? They would be required to take action.

Have you considered contacting an organisation that advocates for children who have been abused. Sorry but I'm not from your country, but I'm sure there would be one that could advise you. I understand you're not sure if it's happening, but if you have good grounds for suspicion, there may be some action you can take for the immediate future.

Thinking of you. Stay strong.

Sending many prayers for you and your girls. Have you told the therapist about finding the bottle of vodka? He probably thought it was a safe place to hide, but it could be possible he's also been giving some to the girls? It's a horrific thought, but all this is.

Somehow through all this, your daughters and you will be okay. You are all getting help. You know how to reach out and are in their corner even if the courts are absolute idiots. I hope your police department will be able to do something with having this reported!

As hard as it may be, find time to take care of you. It's the best way to be there for your girls. (((((wtbh)))))

Holy ****!

Your ex makes me want to throw up.

All I can offer is that I am sorry you all are dealing with this. Your girls need you so much now, you are being a good mom pursuing this.

Thank God you left him.

XOXO

Lots of love to you.

I don't know if you want to, or if you can handle it, but you could call your local sexual abuse hotline. I have done that, and it was just so nice to be able to talk to another human being at length about the suspicions, and what I felt about them -- without being charged $250/hour...

It's all coming down now. You have been so strong, and you will continue to be strong through this. I know the terror, the fear, the urge to vomit, the guilt, the pain, the tears of hearing that suspicion from someone else. You simply cannot fathom that it could be a possibility, despite everything else you've seen.

Just know this: Regardless of whether the suspicions are founded, your children will be OK. Because of you. Because you don't back down. Because you are like a pit bull when it comes to protecting them and getting them the support they need. Every bit of hell you are going through right now is something that puts you one step closer to being able to protect the children in the future. Waiting is hell.

And I am frankly appalled that they don't stop visitations at the suspicion of sexual abuse.

Keep breathing. Stay in touch. We're here.

Me too. I feel like every "system" in place to protect kids is a farse.

Evidently he has a right to an investigation before his parenting time is changed. If the investigation is determined to be "founded" then the court will modify his parental rights/time.

Right now it's an allegation based on a call from the girls Therapist-- not physical proof (not sure how the photos are not physical proof) so I guess his right to a "fair" investigation trumps the girls safety.

I'm so sorry this is happening - I always knew the system was a mess but this is beyond my worst nightmare vision of it. To be forced to have visitation with a parent like that is unconscionable and shame on the government agencies involved, they should frankly be sued and fired IMO.

That said you are so strong and doing the best you can given the circumstances (that's all you can do) - I remember when you first came here (I was posting under a different name...long story I had to change for privacy reasons regarding my NPD mom), and I see you now and even though the system has screwed you over so badly you now have the strength to keep going. That is due to your hard work, your recovery and your determination. Hold on to those. I truly believe the end is near for your XAH...he has to hit the bottom of the cement pool sometime and even in that state you live in it will happen, I have faith. And your girls will get through this because they have a strong Mom like you....one that broke the cycle passed down from generation to generation (those are hard to break). You have shown them that the cycle can be broken and that is more than most of the children in A families ever get to see (most actually stay I think due to their own illness), your example will guide them through all this.

WTBH, I want to tie your AH up and kick the crap out of the ba$tard! I am an SA survivor myself and reading this just infuriates me.

I can tell you that your girls are lucky to have a mother who advocates for them and is there for them. I know you feel like hell and are coming apart at the seams, but you are doing all you can. Hang in. Once this is over, they can heal, even though no one should ever HAVE to heal from something like this. Your steadfast love will mean all the world to them.

May justice be swift and powerful!

Thank you all for your kind words... I had to take a couple unpaid days off work last week to accomodate when therapist & child protective services were available & today got a tongue lashing about being out & the assumption was made that I was shirking my duties since my time off came right after being notified I wasn't being renewed for the next contract year. I just nodded & apologized but what I wanted to do was crumble & ask my nasty bitch of a boss how fast her tune would change if she were in my shoes. She knowsa little bc xahs arrests have been public but she's still mean.

I'm just wondering when or if it will ever be over?

I'm not sleeping or eating & I feel like I'm failing at trying to keep things "normal" when it's clear DD9 isnt remotely ok.

Right now I feel like I've totally failed my kids & that no matter what healing comes later this stuff they've had to grow up with is going to have a negative life long impact on them

Stay in the present as best you can.