Are healthy, "normal" people already "detached"?
 

I had never heard of detachment until I got involved with an alcoholic. In fact, detachment doesn't seem to be talked about at all, outside of the context of alcoholism. Are most people just wired to detach when necessary? And what happens when you find "the one"? Why even have a romantic relationship if you're going to detach?

In my mind, detachment is like the antidote to unhealthy enmeshment.

I believe it's very possible to be in love and committed to another without becoming overly dependent on them, or them on you, without feeling the need to manage, explain, support or cure their ills. In a healthy attachment, each partner takes care of themselves first.

You don't need to detach in a healthy relationship.
It's a way of protecting yourself from someone else who is crashing and burning.

I think they are, yes. Because detachment is about not getting so wrapped up in another person that you lose yourself. Healthy relationships don't involve obsession, having your emotions massively affected by that of the other person (feeling down or happy because they do), trying to control each other or feeling responsible for each other's actions.

Detachment is only talked about among our circles because it is not our usual state of mind so it's something we have to identify and name in order to understand.

Therefore, it is perfectly possible to detach with love. I would say it's actually more loving to detach than otherwise. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would much prefer a man who knew who he was and what he was about than one who was obsessed with fixing me!

As far as C's observation and relationships -- Healthy folks tend to dump A's FAST.

None of this lingering "waiting to see a miracle," nonsense.

Which is probably why Rational Recovery works for the folks who follow that path. They announce -- "ANY of this Crap, and YOU are Gone!" So of course, the A pulls "this crap" (or that crap) and it is Done and Over.

Detachment with a Chainsaw.

Yes. I agree. My friends who are the most successful and balanced would never date or spend much time with an A. They see the signs/red flags and do not engage. They don't even see it as an option. A friend who saw issues with my exA was like well I guess you know now so its over. It wasn't. I needed a few more years of the chaos. Kind of like the new folks who post bad situations here or people that cannot seem to leave but their A is not in recovery and we say so when are you leaving? The healthier you are, the less tolerant of the chaos you are...IMO.

It seems to me that detachment is a codie's version of not taking a drink. I think codependency is an addiction to other people and/or their problems. Addiction = disease, so I guess healthy people are free of the enmeshment/over-attachment symptom in the first place. It's like they just live in a state of detachment. I don't know. I've never been "healthy." ... YET!

I think they are. I think they have healthy boundaries and know where they end and where the other person starts. I look at some of my friends who can say things like "My husband is in a foul mood today, stomping around and grumbling. So I decided to come have coffee with you so he could settle down." When I was a full-blown codie, I would never have done that because his anger would have been mine and I would have seen it as my job to make it go away.

Yes, this is exactly how I felt. Our moods had to be in perfect synch. I could not allow him to feel what he felt if it was different than where I was at, had to convince him that he was not really feeling what he was feeling or else, if I happened to accept that he was actually feeling whatever it was, I had to convince him that there was no reason for him to feel it and so he should change how he felt...

Good lord, it is so insane, looking back!

I realized my RAH was probably Codie last year during some reading. So now he keeps telling me, "I always let you do your own thing. You run, you take classes, you XYZ." And he says this in a tone that makes me think, "You wanted me to sit in the garage and watch you drink? I was detaching for some normality. What do you want now? For me to sit in the garage and watch you smoke? ". Yes I think he wants me at his beck and call.

But then I wonder, I really do just do my own thing. Maybe I take advantage of it? But then I think of all the Angry denial that none of his "allergy" impacted me or DS. I think of all the arguments with me pretty much begging for marriage counseling, admitting I am lonely in our marriage and no intimacy. Not even cuddled or held. So something is wrong with him. I have done all I can do. The next think I probably need to learn is how to let go. I keep working my steps and I can't pick all the blame up. I really can't apologize for kicking him out last year because I did it for my sanity - not his. He sees everything from his POV and it is muddled with beer and other emotions that are not for me to guess at.

So I lived with some detachment with an active A, but I am catching some heck for it in early recovery. What do I do? Book a trip in May without H!! :lmao

Honeypig, my therapist used the word "Atlas Complex" -- you are carrying the world on your shoulders and everything is your responsibility to set straight! No wonder we were exhausted, huh?

lillamy, this is making me laugh, b/c I always, always have major tension and knots (seriously, this is not a figure of speech--hard lumps that won't release!) in my shoulders when I go for a massage! I think I was literally "carrying the world on my shoulders" and apparently still am, to some extent...

Well, progress, not perfection, right? Thanks for the info and the amusement!

Laughing about this one driving today.

Some months back here was some woman that checked into the Friends and Family Addict Forum, just below.

She was NOT a Codie. Hubby had hid his addiction(s) before they were married, and of course, they did not stay hidden too long. She said This Crap was NOT what she signed up for.

She gave him a month to get things cleaned up.

She was done with him in a little over 3 weeks, as I recall.

Just Dumped Him.

I think her reasoning was that he would not clean up in 4 weeks what he had not cleaned up in 3 weeks.

We could learn something from that.

growing up....i knew i was not someones DOOR MAT!...i had self esteem for ME...i walked away from many so people...because they just where not rite for me...

Even healthy people put up with crap - everybody has crap in a relationship. Their way of dealing with it is different than us Codie's is all.

So how do you detach? I have read this several times about detachment but I don't know how to do it or even how to start. I need to detach from my husband he has made his choice to leave and I need to focus on me and my kids but at the minute all I think about is what I have done wrong! I need to detach and stop worrying about him and worry about myself and my kids

Try this Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

and this http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html

and this http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html

from the stickied threads at the top of the page for a starting point, maybe?

Hope you find something useful there. I'm sure others will have more to add.

I am starting to realize that for me it is about not "picking up" what someone else has laid down.

Someone is grumpy....I am not, I don't have to pick their stuff up.

I picked everything up for so long. It is only the last six months or so that I am realizing that just because there is conflict....does not make it mine. About three weeks ago I had someone coming at me in anger (it was not my fault)....and I finally realized that she was 1. angry 2. Not at me, but just angry and 3. Finding a release valve to get it out.

My job was to take it or not. For the first time in 30+ years I did not take it. I did not mull over what I had done wrong. I got frustrated, stood up for myself (though was calm), and got to let it go later that day.

Don't get me wrong I have been in conflict before....but I ALWAYS thought it was my fault underneath. It was such a freeing experience when I did not pick it up this time.

In my opinion people with healthier dispositions don't pick it up to the same degree as I do.

I am here to say though that I am a teachable being, and I can learn.

See, that's where I disagree. That's what I told myself when I was married to an A. That everyone has issues in their relationships, alcoholism is just our issue.

I think everyone has problems now and again. But not necessarily in their relationships. I mean, right now, we've got financial problems because I'm still paying the flinging flanging divorce lawyer 1/4 of my paycheck every month. But that doesn't have to translate to crap in the relationship. I absolutely, unapologetically refuse to ever put up with crap in a relationship ever again. If there is crap in the relationship, either it goes or I go.

(Does that mean I'm getting healthy or intolerant? :lmao)

Not tolerating crap IS healthy.