I was actually thinking about this topic recently. The reason my ABF (who is in recovery) has a twin brother. I believe he is an alcoholic. His brother even admitted to their mom said he has problem to control himself when he drinks hard liquor. But I know it's just an excuse. I saw and experienced his brother's rudeness and mean comments when he was drunk. And he didn't remember anything he said to me. Anyway, i was puzzling, is it only codies suffer and have problems when living with an alcoholic or addict? I have doubt about this is because I don't see his gf has any problem dating an alcoholic. And she & her family are very nice people. Doesn't seem have any bad or addiction problem. Just curious.

People are good at putting up facades. It's part of the denial that goes with alcoholic relationships. That said, I know of a couple who seem to be fairly functional even though one of then is always out drinking and getting stoned. One of them is a doctor and doesn't seem to care that the partner is out getting wasted all the time. They have a ton of kids together and the partier stayed at home with the kids when they were little. This couple is either really good at denial or the doctor is just super secure in self esteem. Also, for me and many others, the absence of the alcoholic, even when we were in the same room together was difficult for me to handle. If the heavy drinker is still showing up, being present and responsible (Can that really happen?), maybe it's not so painful or disappointing.

For me personally, detachment is/was a great tool for relationships that I am already invested in. I definitely feel that detachment is necessary in many of my familial relationships and some friendships. Even just detaching from the opinions of others - friends or not - has been helpful for me. I came to realize recently that even though detachment is a great tool, if that's all you do on the relationship (detach, detach, detach), then there's not much point in having that relationship. That's probably why healthy people just feel the pain of the hot potato and drop it right at the beginning, rather than trying to figure out ways to hold onto that potato and and not get burned.

I always wondered about that language. Why is it they talk about "detachment" instead of "healthy individuation" as an antidote to unhealthy enmeshment? It's not like the proper antidote to being overweight is to starve yourself. It's to reach a healthy weight.

I think a partner in a relationship who is individuated in a healthy way can realize they need to drop the other without being "detached." Maybe I'm getting too caught up in semantics.

-DrS

Personally, I think the idea of a 'normal,' 'functional', 'healthy' individual is an urban legend :stooges:

For me, detachment is total acceptance that I can love the alcoholics in my life, BUT they will never reciprocate like a sober, functional person.

If I want to RECEIVE love and awareness that I exist as a separate person, I can never squeeze that out of them. For that, I have to look first to myself, and then to others who are capable of offering that kind of love.

I also can't manipulate them into loving themselves (and trust me, I've tried)!!

Agree on the semantics.

The "detachment" stuff was just a polite way of saying, "Get some distance from that A-Hole" back in the day.

But since it was a polite euphemism then, it is confusing now.

Let alone upgrading to a Noun-turned-Verb . . . "individuated."

In Real World General Terms -- "Get the Hell Away" works fine. :)

One of the clues for me that my marriage is a relatively healthy one? My husband's moods do not become my moods. That was huge for me compared to the relationship I had with my ex!

If he is having a bad day, that doesn't mean I'm having a bad day, too. I listen to him while he talks about his day. I sympathize and let him work out the problem, or offer my advice when asked specifically to provide it. Amazing!

I can agree with Seren's post--in my own experience. My dear, sweet husband died suddenly just I joined this forum. Cancer--not an alcoholic. Our years together were some of the happiest in my life.

Each evening--I would cook a nice dinner--and he would sit at the kitchen table and watch me---and we would exchange information about our day. We both got to ventilate to our heart's content. Let it all hang out (good or bad). THEN IT WAS, BASICALLY, OVER. It didn't destroy either of us--if the other had a bad day. We licked each other's wounds and handed out positive encouragement when indicated.
Neither one of us became a millstone around the other's neck.

We didn't even consciously do this. It was just a pattern that evolved between us.

dandylion

I've always felt this way. IMO there's no point in detaching unless you plan on leaving the relationship.

Alcoholism is insidious so sometimes it's impossible to recognize the hot potato.

Agreed. I, though was just raised to fall right into the trap. Watching my mom put up with an abusive drunk, having him abuse me and my siblings, I just never had a healthy start. The first guy who paid attention to me was THE guy for me. The only way I used to be able to let go was to get a new guy as soon as possible and start hanging on to the new hot potato for as long as possible. My boyfriends got better in many ways over time. I did a little better with picking, but I still found myself practically married to an A and I still hung on with the death grip until he called it off.