resignedtowait, repeating the same thing to me over and over is not really helping me. The child welfare office has never been involved in my life. My daughter is continuing to get A's and B's in school and is active in all sorts of activities.

Maggies, I only see one post by you on a thread other than one that you started yourself, so I can see that you're not really posting on any other threads. I'm curious--are you reading other threads on this forum or just the ones that you started? Have you read any of the stickies at the top of the page? Did you take the time to check out the link I posted for you a few posts back?

You would likely find some help and a new perspective in checking out those areas. Sometimes other people's experiences really ARE relevant to our own situation, and a different viewpoint can open our own eyes quite a bit.

Maggies, if you were to give yourself advice, what advice would you give yourself? I'm not suggesting this sarcastically. It might help you to see the situation in a more detached way.

I think you came asking how you could get your husband to stop drinking. Then you were checking him with a breathalyzer, and so he started smoking pot so that he wouldn't register on the breathalyzer.

Then you stated that you wanted to start drug testing him, but that it was just too exhausting.

So that leaves you with the situation that you are in now. What would you advise yourself to do?

Hi Maggies. My RAH drank heavily for the first 16 years of our marriage. He was as high functioning as you can get...If he was home he was drinking but the man never missed work or any other responsibility. We've been married for 21 years and he's missed 2 days of work due to illness.

16 years of my life was still stress and chaos and trying to hold the family together and be responsible for everyone and everything. My life was trying to preserve the illusion that my family was fine. My family was not fine. RAH was drunk every minute he was home and i was alone. Looking back, it was hellish.

The turning point for me came when I gave up and told him that i wasn't responsible for keeping our lives going. I stopped handling everything. I have a good job and realized that I'd be poorer without him but I'd still be ok. It was liberating to know i didn't need to put up with a drunk who provided for me financially but neglected me emotionally. I got stronger and started to live my life for me.

Reclaim your life! You are worth so much more than being forced to babysit a grown man who will make his choices. Let him. Your job is to take care of yourself and your children. He will decide to keep drinking or quit regardless of your thoughts on the matter.

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. I also got A's and B's in school. I was an exchange student in high school, made honor roll every semester. I didn't do those things because I was happy and well-adjusted. I did them because I was so terrified of all the out of control behavior going on in my home that I never wanted to rock the boat, or be needy or have a problem. My father's addiction and my mother's responses to it took so much of the energy and attention in our home that there was nothing left over for me or my brother. It was never bad enough for CPS to get involved, but we were suffering all the same.
Your daughter may seem fine and be keeping up appearances, but inside she's in turmoil. Have you talked to her lately, like a real, deep down honest mother-daughter talk? I know you've been spending a lot of time focused on your husband lately, so it might be nice for you and your kids if you did something just for them.

HI Maggie,

Do you want something new from this forum now that you have a bit more information? Other than helping your ah quit drinking, how can we help you?

This is me to a "T". In fact, my mom & I had a very real conversation about all of this yesterday. She is in therapy/recovery herself for different reasons, but at times she reaches these plateaus where it helps her to be able to hear this kind of stuff now because she couldn't/wouldn't hear it back then.

She must've said 100x, "I had no idea... you never said..." & I let her know that I often couldn't put words to my feelings because I never learned how & that since I was really only existing in survival mode I didn't know this about myself until I got enough distance to gain clarity.

I told her it's like this - it's hard to see the pattern when you're enmeshed in it because you are essentially part of it, but it's much easier to see the way out of the maze when you're hovering above it.... the situation didn't change but your perspective did. Until I was out & away from my family home I couldn't get the distance to be able to sort it all out.

I never settled for less than straight A's because it kept everyone off my back, me off the radar & gave me my best shot at finding success once I left home. Everything for me centered around when I would get to move out, which I did 2 weeks after HS graduation despite having just turned 17.

I guess I would like support without the judgements. I feel as if you tell be the same blunt advise more than once I am being abused. Pretty ironic, huh? I believe my kids are doing fine and do not need outside agencies coming in our home. I have started reading more stories here at SR and I am understanding the process of getting help for me regardless of my husbands situation.

I believe my kids are doing fine

I'm sure my parents thought the same thing. The thing is, we weren't, and they were too wrapped up in their own drama to realize it.
Good for you for starting to work on yourself. That was a hard step for me to take, but its all been worth it. Take care.

Hey Maggies, I know this is all very overwhleming & difficult when it's "new".

Keep in mind that reading posts on the internet is so different than speaking IRL because we don't have the benefit of body language & tone to help us understand what the other person is trying to share & that can make it difficult at times. I try to use a lot of smileys (;)) to help in my posts, but I can't always take the time to "pretty it up" when I am posting during my workday.

There are many, many posters here that have had not just similar but nearly identical experiences like the ones you are sharing, so I really hope that you read around, both current & historical posts. Sometimes it is easier to hear the advice when it is given to others even though it applies to us exactly the same.

Hi maggies,

I may not be the greatest support person for what you are going through right now, I didn't leave my ex because he was an alcoholic, even though he was, I left because of his abuse. I guess that is why I don't post that often to you. I have a hard time putting myself in your situation.

I am listening to you, and I am hearing you. I think sometimes we do need to do the things that we think might help. (antabuse, and breathalizer). It may work, it may not. But I think we need to know that before we can move on. I also needed to try whatever I could, before I could say to myself, that I have tried everything. Thank you for sharing with us, you do have tenacity, and I do feel in the end that you will do everything in your power for you and your children, and maybe also for your H. The first 2 you have control over, the last, not so much, but I do think you have found that out.

((((((((((hugs )))))))))))

I understand. Everyone here is supporting you in their own way. It just might not be the way you want. Different strokes for different folks.

You said you were on a list to go to a therapist. When is your appointment?

Maggies, one more thought for you: You seem resentful that people are "saying the same thing over and over" to you. You are frustrated and are calling this abuse.

Can I suggest that maybe at least a part of why people are repeating themselves is b/c they are getting no feedback from you whatsoever? You're making no response to or acknowledgement of the vast majority of replies to your threads. There is a button in the lower right corner of each post that says "thanks." All you have to do is click that and your name is added to the list below that post.

Even if you don't necessarily agree w/the poster, it's a way of indicating that you read their post and you thank them for the time it took to contribute to your thread. I do it as a way of showing respect and gratitude. It's a simple courtesy.

I think all of us are used to not being heard, and I feel it's only right that I let people know that I heard what they said, even if I didn't like it.

Your views may, of course, vary from mine. Perhaps you're so caught up in things that you can't express anything but defensiveness right now. Sometimes, though, if we try to feel even a bit of gratitude, things change for the better in ways we can't imagine.

I understand that you're feeling judged. I can almost promise you that nobody intends for their comments to be judgmental. Which doesn't change how you perceive them.

One part that was really hard for me when I started reaching out for help is that... I didn't like the help I got. I didn't think it was particularly helpful. I felt like people were treating me like I was an idiot asking stupid questions that I should really already know the answers to.

I also felt like they didn't understand my situation.

So I understand that feeling.

I'm just going to ask you to put that aside for a moment and pretend like every comment comes from someone who is your best friend. Take away the fact that we're all anonymous faces behind a computer and pretend your best friend asked you the questions, challenged you, like people are doing here. Because -- they say something like this in Al-Anon but I forget the exact wording -- even if you may not always feel like we like you, I can assure you that we love you in a very special way. Because we've been where you are and fought the fight you're fighting. And we all know how exhausting it is.

When you feel judged -- remember, it's probably not as much judgment as it is a person who can feel very deeply the pain you're going through, and is getting frustrated because they don't want you to have to go through what they went through.

I remember WTBH when she thought she could stand between her AH and the girls and protect them from him. (((hugs WTBH))) We were hard on you. I was triggered by your stubbornness.

So much of what I value from these boards is the slow wisdom that I am not in control. My life had become unmanageable. My children were not okay because *I* was not okay. I had to stop looking at my XAH as the only problem adult in the family and take a hard look at who I had become as a result of twisting myself into a pretzel trying to maintain some semblance of control.

Maggie, your kids are not doing okay from what you have said here. That is a hard thing to hear as a mom, and I know you believe that you can handle this. But you can't - alcoholism and drug use are bigger than you, and for your children's sake, you might want to take a hard look at their home life.:grouphug:

Please understand that we have ALL been where you are. That's what has brought us to such radical acceptance of the unmanageable-ness of alcoholism and of our home-lives and marriages.

Thank you everyone. I tend to get very defensive of my family issues with my won family also. It is what it is I guess. I'm taking small steps to get out of the situation though.

maggies,

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))), I know. I'm here for you.

We've all been there. That's why emotions sometimes run so high on these threads. For me those first few baby steps were the hardest, just breaking out of that rut can seem like climbing Mt. Everest. That's how it was for me, and I didn't realize how far I'd been squashed down until I started my way back up. Once you get some momentum you'll be running free in no time. Hugs to you and your kids. Take care and keep us posted on your progress. We're all rooting for you.
:tyou

I guess I have to admit that his drinking 24/7 is a type of abuse. As he cannot be a good father. He has never been physically violent with us and when he kicked the dog was rather shocking. He doesn't even remember the incident but of course he was sorry. That is a common theme I hear. The alcoholics are always sorry and their apologies seem so genuine. Yet the same drunken incidents will happen again and again.

maggies ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))