I'm in the same boat
 

AGF passed out on the couch right now.

I came home from a 58 hour week to a drunken rant about how she isn't being promoted at her job and isn't receiving a raise (on probation for being drunk on the job and write ups for not following policy) and that segues into complaining about having to leave w/o knowing blah, blah and where she can afford to live etc.

At this point, if I have to sell this friggen house to be done with this I will.

Mine does this as well - he will straight up tell me nothing is his fault, that it's everyone else. I know he knows this is crap but whatever, he won't say that.
............
Girl, you are doing what's best for you by getting out. I'm proud of you, you rock.

Excuses, excuses, right? Here's a thought - DON'T BE DRUNK AT WORK! You keep your boundaries. Stay strong.

Firebolt,

I love that you're making a plan that gets you away physically. See I'd you can stay out of the house even more than this weekend away. And see if you can take steps in the remaining time you're in the same space to be away emotionally, even if you have to be there.

I didn't have that kind of departure with my exABF, for a lot of reasons including we didn't live together. BUT a few years ago I lived with a man who I now imagine was an alcoholic, and was a RAGER and a narcissist and a mean-ass man in the end. When we split up, he moved into our extra bedroom and drank day and night, and talked on the phone yelling at me. He also got online and called women and talked to them late at night loud so I could hear. And he sent MEAN emails trading against me almost every day. It was horrible. He kept having a moving date and moving it back. When it became clear this was his deal and it was eating me alive, I stopped engaging at all, took a vacation from work, and left for over a week. It was the best thing I could so for my health and mental health and I wished I'd Sooooooooo wished I'd done it sooner! I'm not going to say it was easy, and every one of those days away it was hard for me to get my mind off him and the loss of what i tgought we could be (curses, our wishes for potential!!!). But it was so much better than being in that insane asylum our home had become.

Get out.
Go with your friend.
Stay on friends' couches.
Stop engaging

It is heartbreaking, let your heart be broken. You will feel through that and you WILL heal. But you know this chapter is over. Let it be over. Get away and do some sort of ritual or goodbye for yourself to what you'd wanted together, make some peace. And take the teensiest step toward letting it go.

I'm so sorry sweet pea, I know it aches aches aches.

10 days and a wake up, F.B.

You can jog backwards to the finish line from the this point.

138 for me. But who is counting? :)

Hammer, I keep seeing your countdown---I think I missed something. Do you now have some kind of departure or action date??

SORRY TO EVERYONE FOR HIJACKING THE THREAD (it is about leaving the relationship, though)

dandylion

Dec. 8, 2013.

One year from the date of return from rehab of Mrs. Hammer.

You may have tracked A. Very. Long. Winded. discussion about how much time for Return to Sanity after rehab? The general consensus is 6 months things should be looking up. A year is max.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-well.html

We are past 7 months, and I do not see much pointing towards good. Not relapsing (Thank You, God) but omigod on the relationship.

Present Scoring is about:

Mom (to the kids) -- D
Wife -- F
Friend -- F
Lover -- F

Not much too bright in there.

So I set the countdown timer to one year total, or about 138 days, net. But like I said, who is counting?

I had such a blast with my girlfriends. I grieved, relaxed, enjoyed time with them and their families, got my mind off everything, and resolved to embrace my new future - and started feeling more relaxed about it all. Then I got home. He was pretty quiet. I was cordial.

Right before I was going to bed, he came in and asked if we could talk. I said ok, and then just listened to him. He started by apologizing over and over for being a colossal ahole through this, and for the things he's done to hurt me by his drinking. This is the first time he's really apologized to me for anything, so that felt good. Then he begged for me not to leave, and told me he was so lonely without me there and he doesn't want to imagine his life without me ever again. He said we have to work this out because we are perfect together.

You guys prepared me for this. Doesn't make it any easier. Been my best friend for 6 years, partner for 2.5 and I don't feel like i even know who he is right now - he's throwing me so many curve balls. I have to thank you all for making me aware that this is what they do. I would have folded like a bad poker hand last night if it wasn't for you all.

I told him i've been looking for a place to live for a week and a half, and have only found one, and I have to decide on it right away or I will lose it. I told him I would try to put the owner off for 1 day until tomorrow. That we will have dinner together tonight, and he can tell me how he feels and what he is prepared to do with regards to his drinking. And I can tell him what I am prepared to do with regards to it.

I got up this am to all of the alcohol in the house dumped down the sink. I didn't do it this time. I know that that is an easy thing to do on a Monday morning before work...the hard part is every day for the next year. Or 10.

Tonight, I feel like I know the questions to ask him, and I know the answers I need to hear. I know he can't do this for me - I know that. I know I can't live with an active alcoholic. I know he better have one hell of a mountain moving plan for his drinking. I also know that i'm the first person to rattle his cage about his drinking, and the odds are that that is FAR from enough for him to actually change it.

I need strength to SEE this situation and his motivation clearly tonight - for what it is. To STAY focused on what I want for my future, detached, observant and articulate during our conversation. And to walk away and keep on my plan if anything about it doesn't feel right - AT ALL. Thanks guys.

Sending strength and courage your way, Firebolt.

Yes, my feeling too. It took much more for me, and that was without all the intentional
raging and ill will built up.
I am sending you strength and hope for tonight.
Be the observer, if you can.
Separate yourself from the action.
It is much easier to handle and to see straight.

Beth

firebolt, a few basics to keep in mind.

1. an active alcoholic cannot make promises about their drinking. Their alcoholic voice is telling him lies---even if he believes what he is saying at the time--this all changes when the overwhelming compulsion to drink comes to the forefront.

2. An active alcoholic cannot appreciate (fully) the harm that they do to others. The demands of their disease, by necessity, renders them self centered and selfish.

3. It is to his advantage for you to stay; it is to your disadvantage for you to stay.

4. An alcoholic who is ready for true recovery will be willing to do whatever it takes--regardless of if you stay or go---sobriety will become first priority no matter what! They don't try to put conditions on their recovery. They cease being demanding and become much more humble.

5. Never believe the promises of alcoholics---watch their actions. Only their actions will reveal whether they mean what they say or not.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED TO DO. YOU DO NOT NEED HIS AGREEMENT ON ANYTHING.


dandylion

Thanks Dandylion - needed that!

He's going to say and do whatever it takes right now to keep you enmeshed. A's are master manipulators. Watch what they DO, not what they SAY. Keep moving forward with your plans, if he's serious he will seek sobriety and real recovery even if you're living separately. If he's not, he'll likely use you moving out as the excuse to drink.

All the best....

It's amazing how much clearer things look from THIS side of the computer. If he's going to get sober, he can do it regardless of where you live. Wishing you strength and peace...

I caved on moving out this second.

He said some of the right things - not all - not by any means. He doesn't know much about alcoholism at all. We read and read for hours on the Alcoholics side of this forum last night. We talked about SMART recovery and AVRT. He begged me to have faith in him - hell prove to me that he can do this - all that. He said hes making an appt today for an eval.

Those were his promises. Honestly, i'm just waiting for him to fail - then i can feel like i gave it my all before i split. I wi I told him, most people fail the way he is going about this. I told him staying together and trying to work this out is infinitely harder than splitting now. I told him I will hate him forever if I let this condo go - and he fails. I told him if he doesnt follow through, I will be gone before he gets home from work the next day, and we will never talk or see eachother again. I mean it. I am prepared to act on it. I am so angry this is in my life, and it is not what I want.

He doesn't know that I have boxes stockpiled at a friends house, and 3 open rooms at friends places to go to. Insurance is already split up. Cable box is getting returned next week. Family knows everything. The legwork (aside from permanent housing) is already done. I will disappear overnight, and that will be the end of it, and at this point it will be easy.

Thats all I got. Time will tell. I hate that.

Stay strong. I go back and forth every flipping day on what I should do. Some days I even go so far as to set up appointments to look at apartments, then cave and never show up. Some days I look for marriage counselors but never get the guts to call. It's such a touch decision. You want to believe them, you want to think they will do the right thing for your relationship. But after so many times of being set up only for failure it's hard. Keep on keeping on tho. I hope it all works out!!

firebolt---from where I sit, it looks like you ALREADY gave it your all--and more. Do you think that, perhaps, you are bothered by some sort of "guilt"---that if you don't stay--you will be blamed--you will be the black hat----that you will be held responsible if he doesn't quit for good? I ask this because it is typical of us "people pleasers" to think this way. It is the habit of the co-dependent.

It sounds to me that his disease is lying to himself and he is passing it on to you. You don't need faith in him---you need faith in you.

Honestly, from how he presents--it doesn't sound like he is a guy who wants to embrace recovery. It sounds l ike he is saying the things that he knows will get you to stay.

I am speaking very honestly with you because I know how hard it is when faced with the skillful manipulations of an alcoholic who is fighting to keep the status quo. You will do what you want to do, of course. It is your right to do so.

I just urge to make your decisions from what is in your best interest. No one in this equasion has your best interest in mind---except, perhaps, you.

very sincerely,
dandylion

Your days ahead won't be easy no matter what decision you make. I was there not long ago. You want to believe everything he says because you love him and it makes sense. What I know now is, it doesn't make sense and can't make sense to us. It became so important to me for him to just love me back that I was willing to endure almost anything and it became my own obsession. Admitting that I can't fix him was so hard and I have spent many days curled in the fetal position crying because he is gone. I now realize it was like an addiction for me, taking care of him, holding things together, raising his kids, waiting for him to spiral out of control. I come to this site when I can't get him out of my head. Everyone's stories remind me that I have to be strong and take care of me and I DO deserve better. No matter what you choose to do, I understand. My one wish for the world would not be world peace, it would be to end addiction. hugs, be strong.

Thanks all. I don't think I'm afraid of guilt in being blamed for the end. It will probably end because he won't stick to this 'bargain', and I truly don't care why he thinks it ended after that. I think I am afraid of guilt for giving up too soon on a good person if I don't give him this chance. It is his only chance.

I completely agree from how he presents, it is not how most people that can recover do. I think he believes he can do this, and I think he believes he'll stick to not drinking - no problem! Yes - he believes the disease's lies.

I don't think he has any idea of how hard it will be for him. It doesn't matter - in my head, I am already done - because I do not believe he can do this this way. I need him to confirm that, and that is my final push. I don't think he completely realizes that, but that doesn't matter - it only matters that I know that. I must be some kind of masochist to have to see it break down for myself.

I must be too. I have to see it fail for myself before I believe it's going to fail. I think the what if's are the part holding me back. What if I give up too soon. What if I didn't give up soon enough. What if I'm just crazy and all this is some drug induced dream while I bang against the padded walls....(ok that sounded funnier in my head). But I think you get my gist.

I've seen a lot of people say, only you can decide when you've had enough. As ready as you are, perhaps you just haven't had enough just yet?