PLease talk me down from the ledge.

Old 07-19-2013, 08:17 AM
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PLease talk me down from the ledge.

I started it this am. I don't know why - I'm out in hopefully about 12 days - THANK GOD. Maybe I know why - I'm sick of him playing such a victim through this break up. And now, I'm being SUCH a codie - I need to get out of here asap!

I looked at his Facebook page (like an idiot) to find the "woe is me posts."

" Lost my best fishing friend and lover. I hope she finds what she is looking for." blah blah (puke)

I'm sick of him not taking ANY responsibility for ANYTHING! So I told him this AM "you didn't lose me, after I told you your drinking is not making you a good partner, you chose it over me. I am looking for YOU minus 11 half gallons of vodka per month!"

Honestly, it's all I can do to keep from logging on to his FB as him and saying sorry - I was drunk when I wrote that and I'm wallowing in self pity over the fact that 'm losing her because I won't stop drinking."

After I said that this am, he said "you verbally abuse me" and I asked how - and he said by not talking to me and getting mad at me (fair enough on the not talking part). Yeah, he left off the part that I get mad because of all the drunk bs.

His latest thing (in 2.5 years, hes never been verbally or any kind of abusive) since I told him it's over is to call me fat any time i've said he's done ANYTHING that hurts me. Yeah, I've gained a few pounds with him - he's gained a few pounds with me too. My newest thing is to dump out his vodka and calling him a drunk when he does that. I've never done that while we were together, I guess I am trying to kick him in the gut like him yelling FAT does to me. This effing sucks right now, and my temper that I've been so proud of locking away for years is suddenly back in full force.

UGG - I need to get off the merry go round, out of the dance, and duct tape my mouth shut for 12 days after a refresher course in detachment from you guys. I know hes irrational - and evidently now, just mean. Please tell me how I can NOT look and not let him get to me?!
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:26 AM
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Block his facebook page. Ask him to change his password for his log-in.

And if you need to, just leave the house. You only have 12 days left. Is there someone you could stay with? Is there a possibility of staying at a motel for a few days?

Leave his vodka alone. And he is only calling you "fat" because he knows that it gets to you. If insulting your wardrobe would accomplish the same thing, he would do that.

DROP THE ROPE. This is only hurting YOU.
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:29 AM
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Firebolt,
This sounds pretty awful at the moment. It hurts and you are angry. From what you posted above, it sounds like you know what you need to do. It's one thing to know the right thing to do intellectually but it's another to muster up the discipline to follow that with actions.

No more checking facebook is a good start. You know how it makes you feel to look at it or to engage with him when he calls you names. And it sure isn't a good feeling.

He is lashing out at you because he likely feels you slipping away and he wants any connection with you that he can get ....even if it is a negative exchange. He now knows that this will work...because you engaged. So, you can probably expect more of the same. (merry-go-round).

Tune out his "drunklish" (foreign language of the drunk) and focus on your plans to move on. Don't engage him if you can help it. You are on your way to a better life without alcoholism dragging you down. You can do this and you are going to be ok.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:31 AM
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I'm sorry. I'm not even at the point of leaving and so I don't have good advice. I wish I did. I'm sure others will. I know you are hurting so, and I'm sorry. I wanted to offer a hug and to say, I know at least with time the pain will become less raw.

Peace.
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by MamaKit View Post
Firebolt,
This sounds pretty awful at the moment. It hurts and you are angry. From what you posted above, it sounds like you know what you need to do. It's one thing to know the right thing to do intellectually but it's another to muster up the discipline to follow that with actions.

No more checking facebook is a good start. You know how it makes you feel to look at it or to engage with him when he calls you names. And it sure isn't a good feeling.

He is lashing out at you because he likely feels you slipping away and he wants any connection with you that he can get ....even if it is a negative exchange. He now knows that this will work...because you engaged. So, you can probably expect more of the same. (merry-go-round).

Tune out his "drunklish" (foreign language of the drunk) and focus on your plans to move on. Don't engage him if you can help it. You are on your way to a better life without alcoholism dragging you down. You can do this and you are going to be ok.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
MamaKit
"Drunklish"... that's actually a really great way to think of it, as a completely different language. Thanks for that.
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:36 AM
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firebolt . . . one day you just may look back at this and laugh. And laugh and laugh.

But that day is not today.

However it may come sooner than you think.

Just 12 days? All you lack is a countdown calendar.
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:02 AM
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*Blocked* on Facebook

Made arrangements to stay with my best girlfriends 3 hours away this weekend.

Counting down and focusing on my new BRIGHTER future. ok, this all is helping.

Since I am leaving this weekend, and since I am seeing a side of him I have never seen....should I be concerned that he will do something to my things? My cats? Change the locks so I can't get my stuff? I don't know why I'm suddenly so freaked out about this, but I really don't feel like I know him at all right now, and he is so angry. He owns the house...
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:07 AM
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Maybe you want to pack up everything that is MOST IMPORTANT/irreplaceable (photos, treasured belongings) and stash them at a friend's house. Don't forget important documents like insurance, deeds, wills, medical records, birth certificates, etc. That's what I did before I moved out. If you are worried about the cats, see if they can stay at a kennel or if you have a friend that could take them for a couple of weeks.

I wouldn't worry about the locks--he cannot lock you out and the police can make him let you in.
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:28 AM
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Ugg - i like to think i'm being a paranoid freak about it - but hes really showing me a different side of him lately.
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:30 AM
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firebolt, I agree with Lexie---if you think this is possible, gather up those those things that are most valuable to you. Personally, if it were me--I would take the cats in carriers. Also, try to refrain from verbal sparing with him before you leave. Perhaps, present it as you need to get away to relax with your girlfriend for the weekend. If he feels less threatened, he might be LESS inclined to retaliate. Maybe.

Detaching is very important right now.

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Old 07-19-2013, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
So I told him this AM "you didn't lose me, after I told you your drinking is not making you a good partner, you chose it over me. I am looking for YOU minus 11 half gallons of vodka per month!"
I'd also suggest changing your perspective above. He didn't "choose" drinking over you. He is an alcoholic, and right now, can't fathom stopping, even at the expense of his relationship with you. Sure, he can choose to get sober and get into some kind of recovery program, but he isn't at that point yet where he is doing it because he knows he needs to.

You are choosing to live differently; without alcohol being the primary and central activity in your life. It really is your choice here. And that's ok. It's a healthy choice.

It's ok to accept responsibility ourselves and stand proud and say "Yep, I AM leaving this relationship because it is toxic for me". You don't owe him anything beyond that.
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:02 AM
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Tuffgirl - I am trying not to take it personally - it is SO hard. I can't understand his irrationality and delusional attacks - and I flipping started this one! WTH is wrong with me?!

I just cant wait to get out of here - it's so hard to move on when its all right in front of you, I just need to drop the broken pieces, and start chiseling my new wonderful life.

Taking off this weekend - exercise routine starting Monday after a weekend of indulgence with the girls, and after I'm moved in, unpacked, settled into the new place and CALMER - I'll tackle the goddamned smoking.
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Old 07-19-2013, 10:55 AM
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Firebolt, I think I'll be in your shoes soon! Wishing you strength. If it were me, I'd try to buy into his favor, on behalf of your pets, just for the weekend. That was one of my worst fears, when I left my AH! Not necessarily a healthy coping mechanism, but if you can't find a friend for them to stay with, it's an option...
Good luck!
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Old 07-19-2013, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Tuffgirl - I am trying not to take it personally - it is SO hard. I can't understand his irrationality and delusional attacks
Oh I get this. Lived it! And you know what? You can't understand because you aren't irrational or delusional! You never will understand it, but you can rationalize it because you know its what alcoholics do. That's about as rational as you can make this.

It's not about you at all. Honestly, I'm sure he loves you. I know underneath the alcoholic-fueled crappy behavior, my XAH loved me as best he could. Thing is, that love was toxic and dysfunctional and I don't want that kind of love in my life anymore. Ever.

Stay strong. Having firm boundaries and acting on them is an amazing act of healthy thinking and self-care. You are doing the right thing. You can't affect any change on someone who doesn't see anything wrong to begin with. Save that energy for more fulfilling and affirming activities that actually benefit your life.
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Old 07-19-2013, 11:43 AM
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Firebolt..... I am going thru this same thing right now, only I am on day 12 which is his final moving day. I totally understand how hard it is to end a relationship and have to be under the same roof for 12 days afterwards. It is hell on the emotions...... and although I have held strong (for the most part), I think realization hit HIM yesterday. I dreaded going home last night because he had been drinking all day and I just knew he'd pull his last line of defense on..... the sad eyes, long stares, wimpering, the I love you's...... the "this is our last night together"-----..... and honestly, it did pull at my heartstrings, but I have learned that THAT is one of my weaknesses I need to work on. HE WILL BE FINE. And I KNOW I will be fine and much better off without being on the merry-go-round.
Stay strong!
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Old 07-19-2013, 12:14 PM
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NeedHappiness - take care today! I can't wait to be there!

Thanks all - I'm going to do the best I can, and it will help a ton if I'm just not around him. Packing over the next 2 weeks will suck in general let alone with him there. I've got a ton of friends to help me move, so hopefully so many people being there will soften that blow. Thanks for the pep talks - and for all the understanding.
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Old 07-19-2013, 01:15 PM
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my A/H is the same way. he says the drinking is because I get on his nerves. He is 56. What got on his nerves 40+ years before me that 'made' him drink? He says if he leaves its my fault. IM the one throwing away the marriage, blah-blah-blah. ive heard this so many times it makes me sick. he NEVER once has taken responsibility for anything in his life. according to him, every single time something bad happened it was ALWAYS someone elses fault. he got stopped for DUI- wasnt drinking- just had 1 drink. DUH! thats drinking! went to jail for getting drunk outta his mind and beating up his step dad (i was there)-its step dads fault for making him mad(??!!) nothing is HIS fault.the only time he is nice is when he realizes NOBODY wants him around and nobody will let him stay and drink in their homes! id be VERY careful about his nice side. you are taking great steps to a MUCH BETTER life! hang in there!!!
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Old 07-19-2013, 01:31 PM
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It actually helps just knowing there are others who know what you're going through because they've been there themselves. I am kind of in the same boat as you, only I have two months and it is him who has to leave. I know it's not going to be easy on him to pack things up and move to another location, but it really can't be helped. It's not easy on me, or the kids, having him here.

I think the reason you're seeing these different actions from him is because he does know it's near the end. My AH is doing the same thing and I am nervous about how he is going to be the closer to "the end" it gets. I liken it to someone sinking and flailing about. It's panic mode. I don't start anything with him anymore, but he will pick and pick and pick until he gets a reaction from me. In those moments, I just look at the light at the end of the tunnel and know these moments are numbered and it's the reason I'm getting out!

I think the reason you are creeping on his FB page is because you haven't found your way out of the darkness yet either. Things will "lighten up" once you have removed yourself from the situation and I think you will find it easier to stay away. Good luck to you!
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Old 07-19-2013, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
*Blocked* on Facebook

Counting down and focusing on my new BRIGHTER future. ok, this all is helping.
12 days, and you were complaining. What were you thinking?

You got it easy. 11 days and a wake-up, really.

What we used to call in the Army -- a Short-Timer. Or just "SHORT!"

=============

I am looking at 140 days or so.

Some of these drunks get less time for a DUI.

We will make it.
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Old 07-19-2013, 02:14 PM
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Firebolt,

I am a long time recovered alcoholic, and when I read you dumped his vodka, I just want to say,,I used to think I could not LIVE without alcohol.

I know he is behaving like an evil unlikable child, but he is beyond your reach.
He needs a serious detox and recovery, and fighting with you distracts him
from what is really happening.
His alcohol consumption is no longer on your lists of things to track.
Put it down now, and start living your life.

Facebook seems to be such a different experience to me.
I talk to friendly people and keep up with relatives.
That is a good thing. All the drama happening there, I just do not see that.

Try to think of yourself outside of his life from now on.
Imagine you are already 12 days from now, what would you be doing?
Oh yeah, go to the girlfriends house.

I am so glad you are choosing life over this.
You have your future to work on now..
Keep doing the next best thing for yourself.
It is all you can do, in the end.

Beth
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