Onipar, so this is where you are at: You are monitoring, searching, looking for lies, cross-examining, snooping, worrying, and all these other things while you said yourself that you should have been grading essays.
You can take all that off your shoulders by accepting She Drinks. There. Done. She is choosing to drink and you will not convince her otherwise. You decide if you can live with her drinking.

I am back with my SO, and he still drinks. There is a difference though. He has never spent time in a psych ward. He is not on any anti-depressants. He does not hide what he drinks. He does not put it in other bottles. He does not drink at work. He isn't lying to me about it.
Now that is very rare. We went through many years of dysfunction. But he never said things like--I push people to see how far. He did though, and I left him. He corrected his behaviors and now we are much much better.
The thing with your GF is that she is a train-wreck speeding down the tracks. Her past mental issues are reason enough to never touch liquor. She should be guarding her mental situation for the rest of her life. She knows she needs this...I think?!

Then there's the whole reaction to your possible job/schooling that you are applying for. She downplayed it, belittled it, and tried to dash your hopes, because she fears that you won't NEED HER to survive financially? this summer. She's afraid. To take this stance--to try to manipulate you into believing your chances were nil--is trying to destroy your hopes and destroy this possibility for you. That was extremely selfish on her part. This is not what supportive SO's do. This is what saboteurs do.

My point is--some people can drink, and drink too much (my SO) yet stop the manipulation, not drink at work, and not have a strong history of mental issues. He may have liver issues and other issues if he keeps it up...
Your situation with your GF is not like mine. Your GF stands a very good chance of losing her job, and that is unacceptable because of the irresponsibility of drinking at work. She's pushing the entire world--the entire system--to see what she can get away with. She has some strong need to rebel and set herself up for failure.

Does she seem to be treating life like it's a game? Trying to see if she can rebel against all the rules? Do you get this feeling from her?
And if so, she is also going to treat YOU like you're a game...to play...a matter of time perhaps when you are lumped in her philosophy?

onipar, when I graduated from college I had an opportunity just like that one staring me in the face, but I chose my AH instead. He was a negative Nancy about the program, and dissuaded me from applying.

It's one of my biggest regrets that I didn't continue my education at that time, BUT! It's on my bucket list now.

WOW, thank you all so much for the replies. I haven't had time to check back since yesterday, so i may not be able to touch on everything you all said, but believe me when I say I read it all and was touched, strengthened, and inspired by your words.

In regards to the graduate program, I am absolutely applying. This is my life, my dream, and my choice. I won't let anything stand in the way of that. I'm also a writer, and my AGF does support me in that at least. I can only hope that it is sincere, and I do think it is because she has always supported that aspect of my life, even when we weren't together.

Ha! Nope, she never drinks vodka with orange juice. :-p

Recovering2, great advice. I'm done with watching, keeping track, etc. DONE. I actually made that clear last night. Here's what happened:

We were watching TV, and my AGF looked over at me and asked, "Ummm, I made a mixed drink like 2 or 3 nights ago, and it's just been sitting on the nightstand ever since (this is true, but of course it could have been placed there while she drank from other sources, to make it look like she hadn't had a drink in a couple days). But that's beside the point.

She went on to ask if it was okay if she drank it. :c029:

At that moment, I had to hold back an eruption of absolute disbelief and frustration. I held back, and thought about everything I have read here, and everything you all have shared with me.

I responded as even-tempered as I could: "I told you already, I can't police you or tell you what to do. Why would you even bother asking permission when you know and I know you'll drink anyway." At this point I referred to her sneaking to the liquor store only two (three?) days earlier after I asked if she could cut down on drinking).

I explained that it hurts me when she lies and hides things, and if I try to control her, it only leads to more of that, and I was done with it.

She said some stuff about how she hates that she had hidden it from me, and how she didn't even "think" about it, just reacted, etc etc.

But I was done. I know now that she will continue to drink and hide things, and I can't do anything about that until she asks for help and admits there's a problem.

So anyway, that was last night. She drank, I have no idea how much. i didn't try to keep track, just tried to have a pleasant evening, which we pretty much did I guess.

I'm still working towards possibly asking her to leave, but I wanted to try and give her a chance to confront her problems first. I made this decision after considering the question of "can I live like this?"

As of right now, i feel like I can, having started to think more of myself and less of her. It has actually helped a lot already. I want to continue reading, learning, and educating myself before making that final decision.

I sort of know it's a long shot, but I love her deeply, and want to give her a chance. But if things continue to degrade, I don't see this lasting the summer. Of course, if something pushes me off the edge tomorrow or the next day, I'm at a point where I feel strong enough to ask her to leave.

I couldn't have gotten to this point without everyone's help here.

Onipar,
Here's what I think. For what it is worth from a random person reading your story on the internet, but who recognizes your feelings as her own.

I think you are smart and seeking answers. I think that you will not stop learning about what it means for her to be a mentally ill alcoholic. You are cracking open this reality and it is hard to stop once you get started. You will ponder and finally internalize how little control you have over both her and the feelinngs you feel for her. And you will act rationally from that place of knowledge, even if it hurts so much that your heart implodes.

That is what I hope for you and for me and for everyone on this board, anyway.

Peace to those on the road with me. It gets ugly here sometimes, but I think the destination will be beautiful.

Thank you, Archangelesk. I hope for this as well. I feel like I'm at least on the right path now, one of acceptance, education, and strength. Only days before, I was in a state of denial, confusion, and hurt.

I have this board and all of you to thank for that.

This is her manipulating you. You are a nice guy, she gives you reasonable sounding excuses and manipulates you. This is not a relationship.

this is her defense mechanism. She knows what she is doing is hurtful to people and this is how she defends her actions and shoves away her own pain and acceptance that her behaviour is wrong.

This is not YOUR failure. She doesnt WANT help. You cant fix her. You didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. It doesnt get Any plainer than that.

With her drinking at work, you realize what is going to happen here right? I see it coming like a freight train. she is going to lose her job over it, and then you will say, "she doesnt have a job, I cant kick her out NOW!" I know, I am doing it myself!

Geez, when I think of what has happened to me since I discovered this website. In a matter of weeks my whole philosophy of my life has changed. The codependent framework fits like a glove and makes so much sense. And I read all these stories and it is the same theme over and over. My favorite posts are from the happy, peaceful sounding people- who tend to be the ones who got out.

I am sitting here thinking about it right now- I am so very sad because I am executing the plan to get out but I am deeply convicted that this decision is transformative. I have been letting my life get sucked out of me. Heck, I have been complicit in it. And now I can see. The lights are on. This man is not going to take me down with him.

Archangelesk, sounds like we're in the same place. Loved reading your post.

Some alcoholics do exactly this - so they can keep drinking. As the others have said, the addiction is more important than you.

And I agree with those who said that she has shown you what she wants and who she is. Although it is difficult, you should believe her.

Going to Al-Anon is a great idea. I do not tell my ABF where I am going, or I go when he is at work. It isn't necessarily to be deceptive, it is because I need to do this for ME and I do not want his opinion to color that.

Sunshinegirl -
I've been reading your posts too. It does sound like that. I feel so much less alone in the universe knowing that there are other souls out there who totally get it.

It really does help knowing others are out there to help, and have gotten through to the other side in one piece.

GO FOR IT! That sounds like a great program and YOU sound like a good teacher and a good writer just based on your postings here! Why wouldn't you be one of those 5-7? Like my kids' hockey coach said, you can't score if you don't even take a shot on goal.

onipar
i'm not sure about anyone else but, for me, it's more like on the other side in a bunch of different pieces. trying to pick each one up then put it back in place. a better place because obviously my i wasn't solidly in place or the first sign it was bad for me to be with the ex i would have been long gone and quickly. i'm new to it still and sure do admire those who are ahead of me. but i can definitely say "why, oh why, did i not get the heck out of dodge before i did." then when the answer hits me i'm mad at myself!
whatever you do...don't end up in a bunch of shattered pieces. i say this because i'm strong, i'm smart, i'm this and that and some other things, too...but the doozy of the disease overcomes all those things with time. i'm an "on track" kind of person, Type A, all those things slipped somehow. that's how sneaky it is.
prayers

Thank you, Peacedove. I sure do hope to have all this figured out soon. My AGF has of course been drinking pretty much every night still, and then last night she had a repeat performance of the "tipping point" I had mentioned in one of my first posts: She drank all night, went to sleep, woke up at 5am, continued to drink right up until leaving for work at 9:30am. Again, nearly an entire bottle of rum gone.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if she gets fired.

So yeah, still working towards that big "you gotta go" discussion, and this last night certainly didn't change my mind.

When I was driving home from work yesterday I caught myself smiling. Not smiling at anything in particular, just smiling. Then it hit me. When my STBXAH was in my life, a car ride normally meant rushing home to see what he had broken while there alone and drunk or because the police had called or some similiar event involving panic and fear. The peace that flows over you after you rid yourself of that panic and fear is amazing.

Good luck with applying for your program! I was in a similiar situation with my STBXAH. I wanted to work on my Masters and he was not at all supportive. Now that he is gone, my first semester has started and life is back on track.

It sounds like you really love her. I think we all loved/still love them...I believe I will forever. The pain from losing them fades and someday will become containable. That smile has shown me that it is all worth it though! Hopefully the more you educate yourself on addiction and start to make choices with your head instead of your heart, yours will come as well.

Thanks so much, Tryingtoletgo3. I guess I had sort of the same epiphany as you, only it was brought on by the opposite reaction. Rather than a smile, it was that fist of ice water in my stomach as I went to pick my AGF up from work, wondering if she'd ask me to stop at the liquor store (she did), and wondering if she'd drink all night again (she did).

I don't want to feel that way anymore, and it's only one of the many increasing reasons, why--though I do truly love her, and always will--I don't think I can be with her anymore.

On the way to work today, she asked if she could smoke a cigarette in my car (something she had previously said she'd never do, because it's a new car). I said no. She replied, "what would happen if I did?"

I didn't answer, and she said, "So you're just not going to say anything? I don't even really want the cigarette; I just want to see what your reaction will be."

This basically sums up how she is after drinking all night. Truly a lovely person to behold. Why wouldn't I want this every morning for the rest of my life!? /sarcasm.

Thanks! :thanks Yes, this is absolutely going to happen. i may not have gotten the guts to ask my AGF to leave yet, but it's not even a question anymore as to whether or not I'll apply to this program. :-D

onipar
reading your post this AM made me think one thing automatically and it may or may not help you. the "getting it figured out" part you mentioned. for me, i wasn't able to get it figured out solidly until i was actually out of it. i mean really out of it, sitting with only myself, my ex not around and NC. somehow, more knowledge came to me after and even still is now because he just isn't around.
we all do things differently and need to have our own plans and i get it.
think about some things: from when you first posted here until now things are the same pretty much as far as the continual drinking by the gf. even in the early AM before work. i would imagine she will be fired, too, if it's any normal type of work environment. when this happens then you will have an unemployed gf with even more needs.
it has to be emotionally draining on you even if you've decided to accept the behavior or the alcohol--i mean--just watching it and knowing. i say this because i sense it isn't in you to really, really seriously not be bothered by it. because you care and because it isn't how you are or what you prefer in your life. am i right? i can be completely wrong and it's ok to say so.
other than a person or body other than your own being in your home ask yourself what this person adds to your life. not here and there. daily. consistently. should be positive, happiness, love, tenderness, stability, support...things like that. healthy things.
only you are able to determine what you need to do versus what you want to do. the brain versus the heart thing. i noticed the other day no matter what my heart is feeling these days it isn't nearly as bad as when it was being drug from one point to the other on any given day due to confusion, chaos, worry or just plain idiocy i could not comprehend. yes, it hurts to let go and to lose someone you love but when out of it i found i was contributing way, way, way, way more than he ever did or ever could or even ever would. even if my situation was different than yours the "game" is still the same.
ok, those are my thoughts on it. hope you can sort your way through it with minimal damage. prayers!

oh uh uh. i just read what you posted about the cig in the new car on the way to work.
pretty much reminds me of a rebellious little teenager who is moody and pushing the envelope with a parent. only this is an adult. emotionally stunted just like mine was. ugh, the sarcasm, too. yeh, great way to start the day. lol. for real though it doesn't have to be like this any time of the day. ever. every situation which happens like this takes up more of your brain space and thought pattern.
there are so, so, so many good and solid people out there to be with and around. have to meet them at some point sure but we never will partnered up with the wrong one. there is no fixing them, hun. let go or be dragged as they say here.
she will find her way to help herself if she loves herself and you enough. don't know when but i see here it happens sometimes. i do not believe or hang on to hope my ex ever will and even if he did i could not go down the path of uncertainty even then. just me.

As others have said, the choice is yours. What I can tell you is a little story about how some of these situations end up...

My mom always drank, and so did my dad. What my dad didn't know what that the most of what my mom drank came from "hidden" sources. She use to always mask her drinking with soda, colored bottles and hidden stashes. No one really knew the extent of what was going on. We saw at times the drunkenness was too much and thought there was a problem but, what do you say? How do you confront? All the same questions you're asking yourself now..

UNTIL... Mom got sick. She needed her gallbladder removed. Except.. when they went to do the surgery her gallbladder and liver were so swollen and infected that had to stop the laparoscopic surgery and opt for the full blown one. When the Dr. came out and questioned my Dad about her drinking.. he literally had NO IDEA how bad it was. He went home to find an entire garbage bag full of handled jug bottles hidden in closets, drawers, the basement, the garage... everywhere. Every last one empty.

The story continues of course and it gets worse before it gets better... but how would you feel if 5 or 10 years down the road y'all have kids and you are faced with this type of situation? I don't say it to be scary to dramatic, it's just the reality of a progressive disease.

Remember your 3 C's and listen to her when she tells you "This is who I am, and This is what I'm going to do."

Be kind to yourself, but also let your rational mind make some decisions for you instead of your heart. (hugs)