Bad to worse...
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Join Date: May 2013
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Bad to worse...
Hi all. I wanted to start a new post for this, but if you haven't read it, I give the background info of my story here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-problem.html
Just to set the scene, Three days ago (after a bad week), I spoke with my GF about her drinking. The next day I was pretty sure she snuck out to buy a bottle of something, and when I asked her, she said she had. Later that night she was drinking it, but didn't seem to drink much, and I thought maybe she was trying to control it a bit.
Well (and here's the new stuff), yesterday when she got off work, she had a familiar "tiredness" to her eyes, that I thought seemed a bit like when she drinks. I convinced myself it was just because she was tired from a long day at work. But I did notice that in her bag, when she got off work, there was a green water bottle I never saw before.
She's at work now, and I couldn't help but go over to the green bottle and open it. Sure enough, it smells like rum and soda.
So apparently, she's started drinking at work.
I also found that she had not only bought one bottle, but THREE. The one bottle of rum that I thought (and she led me to believe) was the only one is still mostly in the Gatorade bottle. But there is a second, large bottle of rum, and a third small bottle of vodka, which she has squirreled away in a box, covered with clothes.
So even after I had asked her to please not lie to me (which I imagine she THINKS she is not doing because I never asked, and she never told), she is obviously continuing to hide things from me.
My guess is she plans to simply fill the Gatorade bottle secretly from the other bottles so I never know how much she has, and so she doesn't have to go through what she has started to think of as a problematic discussion of if she can go buy some alcohol.
I'm so disappointed, and kind of hurt.
What do I do?
I'd prefer not to confront her, because I'm sure she'd turn it around on me for "snooping" into her stuff. But I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope, and I don't know how to approach the subject since to all appearances, she "didn't" even drink yesterday.
Even worse, I'm now wondering if she went and bought even more alcohol yesterday AFTER I had found her out about it the first time, or if she bought all three of those bottles on the first day.
Just to set the scene, Three days ago (after a bad week), I spoke with my GF about her drinking. The next day I was pretty sure she snuck out to buy a bottle of something, and when I asked her, she said she had. Later that night she was drinking it, but didn't seem to drink much, and I thought maybe she was trying to control it a bit.
Well (and here's the new stuff), yesterday when she got off work, she had a familiar "tiredness" to her eyes, that I thought seemed a bit like when she drinks. I convinced myself it was just because she was tired from a long day at work. But I did notice that in her bag, when she got off work, there was a green water bottle I never saw before.
She's at work now, and I couldn't help but go over to the green bottle and open it. Sure enough, it smells like rum and soda.
So apparently, she's started drinking at work.
I also found that she had not only bought one bottle, but THREE. The one bottle of rum that I thought (and she led me to believe) was the only one is still mostly in the Gatorade bottle. But there is a second, large bottle of rum, and a third small bottle of vodka, which she has squirreled away in a box, covered with clothes.
So even after I had asked her to please not lie to me (which I imagine she THINKS she is not doing because I never asked, and she never told), she is obviously continuing to hide things from me.
My guess is she plans to simply fill the Gatorade bottle secretly from the other bottles so I never know how much she has, and so she doesn't have to go through what she has started to think of as a problematic discussion of if she can go buy some alcohol.
I'm so disappointed, and kind of hurt.
What do I do?
I'd prefer not to confront her, because I'm sure she'd turn it around on me for "snooping" into her stuff. But I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope, and I don't know how to approach the subject since to all appearances, she "didn't" even drink yesterday.
Even worse, I'm now wondering if she went and bought even more alcohol yesterday AFTER I had found her out about it the first time, or if she bought all three of those bottles on the first day.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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What do I do?
I'd prefer not to confront her, because I'm sure she'd turn it around on me for "snooping" into her stuff. But I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope, and I don't know how to approach the subject since to all appearances, she "didn't" even drink yesterday.
I'd prefer not to confront her, because I'm sure she'd turn it around on me for "snooping" into her stuff. But I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope, and I don't know how to approach the subject since to all appearances, she "didn't" even drink yesterday.
If I recall correctly, you moved her in because you wanted to fix her, or help her fix herself. Now you're starting to uncover that your fixing is ineffective. She doesn't want to be fixed.
So... what do you want? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to you? Who drinks at work? Who is sneaky and manipulative? Who makes you feel guilty and afraid? How long can you live with someone you don't trust?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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I'm so sorry this is happening. It is terribly frustrating to have what feel like perfectly reasonable expectations undermined and ignored. But your GF is doing what alcoholics do: drinking and protecting her drinking from anyone and anything that tries to come between her and it.
So the question does not become whether to confront or not, what to do about appearances or anything like that. She's a drinker and her drinking is a problem for you. There's nothing you can do or say to change her. She has shown you who she is; you should believe her. Is this what you want out of a relationship?
So the question does not become whether to confront or not, what to do about appearances or anything like that. She's a drinker and her drinking is a problem for you. There's nothing you can do or say to change her. She has shown you who she is; you should believe her. Is this what you want out of a relationship?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Originally Posted by onipar 
Even worse, I'm now wondering if she went and bought even more alcohol yesterday AFTER I had found her out about it the first time, or if she bought all three of those bottles on the first day.
I feel for you; I well remember when I felt like I was standing on a thin crust that just kept collapsing as I found out how much of my "reality" was actually nothing but lies and manipulation by my A. One thing after another turned out to be linked to his drinking and hiding and lying, everything from not EVER wanting to do anything after work like walk the dogs or go to the local park to swim on a hot day to finding out he was even sneaking drinks when I was literally in the next room using the elliptical and making enough noise that I couldn't hear what he was doing.
It sucks, doesn't it? And again, one more time: It does NOT get better.
Get to Alanon, take care of yourself, and assess your options. What do you want from YOUR life? You CANNOT change or help her in any way until she wants it, and it surely does not sound like she is anywhere in the vicinity of that right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
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The hidden liquor and gatorade bottles bring back so many horrible memories of living with my alcoholic husband. She is showing you that she is not ready for sobriety. No matter how much you love her or try to help her, she has to want it for herself in order for there to be a change. With her actions, it seems that the only options are to let go and live with her drinking, or detach and focus on you. Al-Anon would be a great help and source of support for you. I wish you the best. I have been in the same place and I know how painful and draining it is when you love the person and would give anything for them to just stop. Something that I was told that hurt, but brought realization to my situation...."in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects. No matter how much you love the addict, they will always love their addiction more than they love you."
Sending positive thoughts your way as you find your path!
Sending positive thoughts your way as you find your path!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 55
No, I don't want this. It hurts, it takes my mind off of things I need to do (I should be grading essays right now), and it only hints at a future of her deceiving me.
I have no idea how to discuss this with her. I've tried, and I always back down. She gives her excuses, tells her side of it, and I always end up saying something like, "Well, I can understand that. Just don't lie...etc etc."
I think she knows we are on the edge of a cliff. I think she may be trying to push us off. She's told me in the past, flat out, "This is who I am. I'm not the right person for you. Blah blah blah." In fact, I remember her telling me "this is what I do. I push people to see how far I can push before they don't want me around anymore."
I wonder if she is just going to keep pushing it until I finally do snap. And if I do, did I fail?
A weird question: If I try to stay with her, do I tell her I'm going to alanon meetings?
I have no idea how to discuss this with her. I've tried, and I always back down. She gives her excuses, tells her side of it, and I always end up saying something like, "Well, I can understand that. Just don't lie...etc etc."
I think she knows we are on the edge of a cliff. I think she may be trying to push us off. She's told me in the past, flat out, "This is who I am. I'm not the right person for you. Blah blah blah." In fact, I remember her telling me "this is what I do. I push people to see how far I can push before they don't want me around anymore."
I wonder if she is just going to keep pushing it until I finally do snap. And if I do, did I fail?
A weird question: If I try to stay with her, do I tell her I'm going to alanon meetings?
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Originally Posted by onipar
What do I do?
Nothing you posted here invalidates what people were supportive enough to supply as a reply. In fact, it only strengthens what they said and what you need to do.
Other than commiserating with you, I'm not sure what more can be said. You are in a terrible spot and it will get worse. Alcoholism is progressive disease. It is also corrosive to a relationship. Your relationship.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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It doesn't sound to me like you are getting anything positive from this relationship & its striking to me still that you said the way you sort of got back together was bc her living situation wasn't working out and you had her move back w you even though you went 100% sure.
Staying w her bc of concern for her or bc of hope that things can improve are sure to leave you burnt out, depressed, and resentful. I had concerns before I married my xAH and spent 10 yrs doing what you are w your gf. Worrying, pleading, wondering what to do, remembering the good and having that "sustain" me and ignoring that I was miserable or worried w him a vast majority of the time.
You asked what you should do and only you can decide that... but if I could tell me old self of 10 or even 5 yrs ago what to do I would say don't live life and waste life hoping, wishing, pleading. The idea of what I hoped we could be and the good and potential I believed was in my xAH kept me on the merry go round. My word of advice to you is to give serious thought to getting off that merry go round.
My heart goes out to you. You aren't responsible for standing by and helping her or supporting her at the expense of yourself. As a co dependent I found that my sense of self worth was very much wrapped up in taking care of others. It was so deeply ingrained in me that that was how kind people behaved (put others needs before my own) that I did just that and put xAH before myself and our kids (though I was blind to that at the time and had examples to prove people wrong who told me I was doing that) for YEARS. You are a good person and have stood by and supported your gf but to me it appears you are being taken hostage by her addiction. You have a chance to escape that hostage situation and I would encourage you to do so.
Staying w her bc of concern for her or bc of hope that things can improve are sure to leave you burnt out, depressed, and resentful. I had concerns before I married my xAH and spent 10 yrs doing what you are w your gf. Worrying, pleading, wondering what to do, remembering the good and having that "sustain" me and ignoring that I was miserable or worried w him a vast majority of the time.
You asked what you should do and only you can decide that... but if I could tell me old self of 10 or even 5 yrs ago what to do I would say don't live life and waste life hoping, wishing, pleading. The idea of what I hoped we could be and the good and potential I believed was in my xAH kept me on the merry go round. My word of advice to you is to give serious thought to getting off that merry go round.
My heart goes out to you. You aren't responsible for standing by and helping her or supporting her at the expense of yourself. As a co dependent I found that my sense of self worth was very much wrapped up in taking care of others. It was so deeply ingrained in me that that was how kind people behaved (put others needs before my own) that I did just that and put xAH before myself and our kids (though I was blind to that at the time and had examples to prove people wrong who told me I was doing that) for YEARS. You are a good person and have stood by and supported your gf but to me it appears you are being taken hostage by her addiction. You have a chance to escape that hostage situation and I would encourage you to do so.
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Onipar, you are not responsible for her happiness, her successes, or her failures, and she is not responsible for yours. You say you "have no idea how to discuss this with her" as if there is some heretofore untried tactic that will make her understand where you're coming from. Trust me, she already knows where you're coming from. She has made the choice to drink anyway. That's what you're working with here.
As for the Al-Anon question, what would be your expectation in telling her? Al-Anon is to help you. Other than qualifying you for participation, it doesn't have anything to do with her.
As for the Al-Anon question, what would be your expectation in telling her? Al-Anon is to help you. Other than qualifying you for participation, it doesn't have anything to do with her.
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Originally Posted by onipar
Okay, thank you. I do apologize for starting another post for what amounts to the same question and problem. I thank you all for your input.
How about a post where you ask, how can I help me?
Because you are the only person you can fix.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Don't apologize at all Onipar. It's a baffling and confusing situation to be in. We try to apply logic to the A's behavior and see what seem like clear solutions and we confront them and it becomes even more confusing. I spent a good year asking the same question over and over Ina lot of different ways bc I didn't understand and mostl of all even once I did understand, I didn't want to accept that the life I pictured and vowed to have w my xAH wasn't possible. I was sure if I (fill in the blank) I would be able to get him to see clearly, want help etc. I couldn't, you can't and none of us have even an iota of influence or control over the A and their choice to drink or lie or get help etc... I still have a hard time w that some days.
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It really is (baffling). I find myself thinking of how to tell her she should find somewhere else to go, and then in my head I begin to dismantle my OWN ARGUMENT, second-guessing the severity of the problem, second-guessing whether it is enough of a problem that I should end things over it.
I know the answers. That it only gets worse, and if she lies now, she'll continue to, and I can only fix and help myself. I believe these things, and I know it's logical. But my brain and heart are not yet synced, and yes, I do keep questioning myself.
It's easy for me to blame myself for being selfish, not wanting to have to deal with it, etc. I know this isn't true (logically), but I still feel it.
I'm trying to build the strength for the next time I speak with her about this. I'm trying to ready myself to take that step, and ask her to get help or leave. (even that just sounds like an ultimatum that is doomed for failure, and that I should just ask her to leave).
But I am building strength, and it's thanks to your advice.
I know the answers. That it only gets worse, and if she lies now, she'll continue to, and I can only fix and help myself. I believe these things, and I know it's logical. But my brain and heart are not yet synced, and yes, I do keep questioning myself.
It's easy for me to blame myself for being selfish, not wanting to have to deal with it, etc. I know this isn't true (logically), but I still feel it.
I'm trying to build the strength for the next time I speak with her about this. I'm trying to ready myself to take that step, and ask her to get help or leave. (even that just sounds like an ultimatum that is doomed for failure, and that I should just ask her to leave).
But I am building strength, and it's thanks to your advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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You don't have to have the answers or the strength on anyone's timetable. You will know when you are really ready to take a stronger position. Until then, try to avoid ultimatums you are not 100% sure you can follow through on, those can be a real step backwards.
Good luck to you. I know how hard this is.
Good luck to you. I know how hard this is.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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her statements of this is what i do...she is telling you she is well aware of what she is doing to you. continuing to discuss issues with her is not going to do anything. telling her about al anon is pointless.
there is nothing you can do here except get the heck out of dodge and take care of you, you, you and you.
you know we are all here to help and support you because we know how awful it is. we have all dealt with this. but you must DEAL with it. doing that means make a choice. either live with her and let her do her thing and never let it bother you again OR jump off the train of addiction.
do you want to go down the drain or save yourself? how much is your life worth to you? how much is your happiness worth to you? there is a "YOU" !! sure, you may be in a situation right now that is not something you want to be in, but you can be free of it.
find your strength. it is there. use it. you deserve more than this!
there is nothing you can do here except get the heck out of dodge and take care of you, you, you and you.
you know we are all here to help and support you because we know how awful it is. we have all dealt with this. but you must DEAL with it. doing that means make a choice. either live with her and let her do her thing and never let it bother you again OR jump off the train of addiction.
do you want to go down the drain or save yourself? how much is your life worth to you? how much is your happiness worth to you? there is a "YOU" !! sure, you may be in a situation right now that is not something you want to be in, but you can be free of it.
find your strength. it is there. use it. you deserve more than this!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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have to add! your heart and your head most likely will not be synced right now. i don't know about anyone else here but mine is still not. i had to let my head tell me "no way! no way!" then today i deal with getting my heart and head on the same track. this will happen. every day it gets better.
my ex played my hearts emotions. and i was so open and willing to expose them, too. after all, when you care it's what you do.
well, no. there comes a time you have to stop caring long enough to get the addict out of your life. THEN you can recover you. THEN the heart and the head start coming together when away from it.
my ex played my hearts emotions. and i was so open and willing to expose them, too. after all, when you care it's what you do.
well, no. there comes a time you have to stop caring long enough to get the addict out of your life. THEN you can recover you. THEN the heart and the head start coming together when away from it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I'm so disappointed, and kind of hurt.
What do I do?
She's told me in the past, flat out, "This is who I am. I'm not the right person for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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my ex played my hearts emotions. and i was so open and willing to expose them, too. after all, when you care it's what you do.
well, no. there comes a time you have to stop caring long enough to get the addict out of your life. THEN you can recover you. THEN the heart and the head start coming together when away from it.
well, no. there comes a time you have to stop caring long enough to get the addict out of your life. THEN you can recover you. THEN the heart and the head start coming together when away from it.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Thanks. Yeah, I guess the heart will always hurt at first.
atalose, you're right of course. I just need to ready myself for this.
I guess I didn't really know what she meant when she had first told me "This is who I am. I'm not the right person for you." That was a while back, before the alcohol problem came clear to me. i had thought she meant regarding her mental health (depression, etc), and it was something I was willing to be a part of.
My understanding has changed quite a bit since then, and I think I see her true meaning now. And no, I am no longer willing to live with what this has become.
atalose, you're right of course. I just need to ready myself for this.
I guess I didn't really know what she meant when she had first told me "This is who I am. I'm not the right person for you." That was a while back, before the alcohol problem came clear to me. i had thought she meant regarding her mental health (depression, etc), and it was something I was willing to be a part of.
My understanding has changed quite a bit since then, and I think I see her true meaning now. And no, I am no longer willing to live with what this has become.
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