Rehab update; 72 year old woman has absolutely zero, zip, no withdrawal symptoms from abruptly stopping drinking, up to a fifth of vodka every day for over seven years. No shakes, tremors or even a desire to have a drink. Is her mind so gone it doesn’t remember being pickled for seven years? Why couldn’t she have just quit drinking?

When I quit, after a two week binge, I felt terrible, had the shakes, bazaar dreams, and guilt. I couldn’t even drink a glass of water without shaking half of it out.

This whole alcoholically dysfunctional situation is just totally unfair. I understand that women are really stronger than men, they have babies and outlive us but...@&^%$$#!!

The only thing she is able to focus on is the “Peter Principal” mismanagement and lack of effective coordination between the Doctors, Staff and Patients. “She could run the place so much more effectively”? I understand with acute clarity why people drink.

I’ve spent the better part of my morning looking at properties in Costa Rica. Earthquakes, tsunamis and living alone in a distant country would be a “cake walk” compared to this addiction/recovery circus.

Dear desp1--they are probably giving her medications that are preventing the uncomfortable withdrawl symptoms. I am a medical person and have attended many during detox--most all of them got through without any discomfort. Also, she m ight be lying to you to convince you that she is unique--and doesn't really need a program of recovery.

sincerely, dandylion

If nobody has pointed this out yet please allow me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html


I followed the steps as though my sanity depended on it.

The first time I saw my EXAG in rehab they put her on librium - not sure why, since she never had any DTs back then. She was a binge drinker (1, maybe 2 days), not a chronic drinker - not sure if it matters.

On librium, she was a different person. Reduced mental capacity and motor skills- when she walked she was doing the "Librium Shuffle." It was pretty scary thinking to witness.

You realize you cant make this happen for her. SHE has to go to the meetings, SHE has to find one that she is comfortable in. You are trying to control/make her recovery happen, but you cant, she has to do this. If YOU find her a meeting, YOU take her to the meetings, YOU hold her had the whole way, then SHE isnt recovering.

desp, you don't sound as if you like her much anymore. In fact, the language you use is quite contemptuous. I understand that. Wouldn't it, though, be better if you went your separate ways now? What's stopping you from going to Costa Rica?

Thanks for the post

It's dry humor...archy bunker and al bundy are my heros.

She can't drive, take a bath by herself, look up a phone number, or remember to take her medicine...????

If I don't suggest options she will act like it isn't a problem and just sit there forever.

I asked her what she liked to do "two years ago" and she still hasn't thought of anything. I've got a list of interests and hobbies a mile long!

I understand it is up to her.....

Then please start going through that list and do them. Sounds like she is keeping you from living the life you deserve, fromhaving a life at all.

You are at a point in your life where you should be relaxing, having fun - not caretaking a drunk.

Blessings,
C-OH Dad

Dear desp1, sometimes I think it is helpful when we find ourselves stuck in a sort of "prison", to ask ourselves this question: "What am I most afraid of?" If we can answer this question HONESTLY and, with courage (yes, I does take courage), we often begin to get some clarity. I don't think one stays VOLUNTARILY in a prison unless they are afraid of something.

Desp, if you play the tapes out--all the way--what ARE you afraid of?

You don't have to answer this for us (unless you wan to)---but, for your own self.

Hope this is a bit helpful

sincerely, dandylion

Desp, if you play the tapes out--all the way--what ARE you afraid of?
sincerely, dandylion

Dandylion,

When I needed help, support, a direction when I was involved with my own alcoholism my ex and her daughter got the advice they needed to take everything from me.

I wasn't allowed to get help for my addiction under the sham that they just couldn't “live if anyone knew” I had an alcohol problem.

They took absolutly everything, all my money, my families’ money, my business and all my cherished sentimental pictures and personal "family" items and sold or threw away everything. They took my college, high school; kindergarten memories combined with my mothers and grandmothers mementoes and destroyed them.

I would never steal or destroy anyone’s entire past just because they had an addiction. It’s not a “fear” issue. My wife sacrificed and gave of herself to many before her addiction started to destroy her soul. I respect her and her families’ name and what she did when she was a functional person. My emotional survival is assured because I respect her legacy as a person.

I’ve seen the extreme side of selfish self centered greed and I choose grace and mercy tempered with common sense, research, Al-anon, you guys and my higher power to help me with my issues.

I thank all of you for caring enough to be there for me and all the others going through this situation.:thanks

Desp--while she's in rehab, I hope you take full advantage of that and take a long walk on the beach, and every other self indulgence (that is self-respectable).
Half an hour maximum breaks for three years would break me. You have stamina!

I don't believe I've ever seen anyone on this board advise another poster to steal or destroy their A's possessions & I don't believe Dandylion was suggesting anything even remotely close to that... in fact, the advice here generally seems to come from the point of acting with the most possible respect toward everyone in the situation while still safeguarding your own finances & well being. I think there is a world of difference between self-care & selfish acts.

This passage below:

TO ME - this is not self-less behavior, it's utter & absolute enmeshment; and in it's own way can be a pretty heavy-duty, passive-aggressive, Supremely Selfish act, because it's done under the guise of acting in her best interests while you're really just ignoring your own.

WoW, desp1, that Is some pretty heavy history, isn't it!? My first thought--to myself--was: Maybe desp1 is afraid of becoming "like" the people who he felt abused him because he was vulnerable. Maybe he is afraid of the guilt he would feel if he is even PERCIEVED to be the way "they" (ex and daughter) were to him.

Now, I am spitballing here, to a certain extent---but, am I warm? Would you care to comment?

very sincerely, dandylion

Just for the record:

I have never taken anything Dandylion or anyone else has said as anything more than than genuine concern for a fellow human in a difficult situation.

We have all had to fight our own personal Demons.

When the Minister that preformed our marriage ceremony shook my hand I felt a firm caring handshake. He was a good man doing his part to help others find happiness.

During the ceremony he looked deeply into my eyes and asked me to “protect” my wife. It seriously impacted me, for some reason, more than anything else he said.

My higher power loves me and I will never be worthy. I’m an imperfect, selfish, vain, judgmental, competitive and difficult man. I believe it says to turn away from the door and wipe your feet as you walk away from a hopeless person in the bible. It also says to cleave only to your spouse. Addiction throws a wrench into that contradiction.

Who am I to judge someone under the influence of a mind altering substance? Sure, I could give up and seek an easier way, another partner, and another life while allowing her to die from this disease. I have the “same disease” but luckily I got sober enough to quit 7/15/2007.

When the least among us need help and love aren’t we are told to respect and protect them. “What would my higher power want me to do? What would Jesus do?”

It's ok and commendable to help someone else...as long as...it doesn't hurt you in the process.
Look out for yourself and your needs.

Dear desp1, actually, if you look closely, you will find that most all of us who are dealing with an addicted loved one--ask ourselves the same kind of questions (to one degree or another). We each have our own particular styles, of course.

I gently suggest to you, that we are admonished to love ourselves as we love others. You are also one of God's creatures--and must be good to yourself, as such.

The trick, for me was to figure out the RIGHT thing to do for my loved one. I actually had to have some ecducation and hep from others who had walked in my shoes to even realize what the Best thing was.

I think coming here, as you are, and discussing the situation with us, who understand what coping with addiction is like is a positive step.

You can work through this!!!

Hang on to the serenity prayer--it has helped me in my worst times.

very sincerely, dandylion

I’m just an average Joe,

I don’t know the best way to handle this situation…I have baggage, regrets and what ifs hitting me from every direction.

My mother died after a long slide into paranoid dementia. My father died of alcoholism. People I have loved very much died of cocaine and alcohol/drug induced suicide. My brother-in-law died when he was backed into by an inexperienced boat driver when he was trying to water ski drunk and "I went out in my boat and found him" 68 hours later, floating lifeless with his elbow missing and a gash from the propeller cut across both his lungs.

Fear? Terrified, horrified, traumatized maybe, but not simple run of the mill fear. I’ve personally watched addiction disable, maim and kill so many people I’ve loved that my epilepsy, two heart attacks and a broken back are nothing to me.

I’m just an average 61 year old man and this disease is the most evil, debilitating, harsh death sentence a person can encounter. I’m unable to let it go unchallenged anymore than I would allow a bunch of very young children play in the middle of the interstate.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”