I'm sorry, but when I read this my first response is: What a boatload of crap.

If she's so smart, so beautiful, so AMAZING why does she need to verbalize it to herself? To me this screams ENORMOUSLY INSECURE despite the laundry list of positive attributes that she believes about herself.

Quack, quack, quack.

My AW (wife) actually said those things to me...several times. Compares me to her mother, father and son. Talks about the past...three years old to about 12 all the time. Thinks things are the same as the late 1950s when talking about places and ideology. I'm sorry if I confused anyone, I was trying to keep her behaviour as light as possible. Seems to be several issues at work here at the same time.

Hope you stick around and post often.

We do get it.

Big hug coming your way.

Katie

I'm sorry...I was starting to cry as I wrote the "truth" and I couldn't let her see me. Black Humor...the actual truth is what I wrote. It is who she has become. We have been married for over 7 years and she has been going down hill really fast for the past eight months. She was a real beauty when she was younger and studied to be an actress but somehow ended up a college teacher. She is still very attractive at 72 on the outside....

Yeah...addiction will eat the soul and put itself in place of it. Not pretty on anyone...

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Dear desp1, this is the exact time in your life that you should be enjoying the richness and joy of living. I can hear your pain. You do not have to feel sad, lonely or depressed because of her choices.

She has the right and the option to get help.....but, so do you!!

Try to get to some alanon meetings where you will find the key to getting back to your own self. Just being in a room with others who understand will do wonders for you, right now.

Read all the stickies at the top of the page--if you haven't already.

Your life and time is precious. Keep posting here and let us k now how you are doing.

sincerely, dandylion

I won't should on you here...
 

...but I will suggest that you start attending Alanon meetings if you don't already. They are for you, not her, and if you have the same experience I did your life will get better and better, whether she keeps drinking or not.

Take care,

Cyranoak

ah, the ego of the educated alcoholic. I know this one well. My AH hasn't come out and said those particular things, but in speaking with him and watching his actions, I know he feels a lot of them. (Not the parts about the man-magnet and being beautiful, but most of the rest.) He's got a PhD and is terribly smart - almost too smart for his own good. He's not "like" the other guys in rehab. Many of them are in gangs, have been in jail, are there are court-order, have much less education, etc. He can see those differences very easily, but doesn't see very clearly the biggest thing they all in common - they're all addicts. There are no "special" addicts.

The odd thing is...my AH has had a HUGE ego when it comes to alcoholism (not like the rest, feeling like "I got this" rehab thing, etc.) but he has terrible self-esteem otherwise. To me, it sounds like blustering to cover up feelings of poor self-worth. It's quite sad, actually.

It sounds like she suffers what is known as "personal exceptionalism" Here is more info on this:

Importance of the Individual

In western culture there is a great deal of emphasis put on being an individual. Each person is viewed as unique, and their main goal in life is to find happiness. This view of the world differs from many eastern cultures where there is more emphasis on the group. Many of the successes within western culture can be seen as a result of this focus on the individual. There can also be a darker side to this way of viewing the world. Those people who are trying to escape an addiction may find that their feelings of being an individual can get in the way of their recovery.

Personal exceptionalism can mean that people refuse to consider those recovery tools that have worked well for other people in the past.

Personal Exceptionalism Defined

Personal exceptionalism can be defined as the conviction that the individual has that they are just not like other people. This type of idea can be taking to extremes. A person can believe that the rules that apply to other people do not apply to them. This may mean that the individual is prepared to engage in unwise behaviors because they believe they will be able to avoid the usual negative consequences. Personal exceptionalism can also mean that the individual refuses to consider the possibility that things that worked for other people might also work for them.

Personal Exceptionalism and Narcissism

Narcissism can be defined as an unhealthy level of self-love. A narcissist will tend to exhibit a number of unattractive personality traits including:

Grandiosity means that the individual has an inflated sense of their own self-importance.

Self-obsession

Overestimation of their own skills and abilities.

The narcissist has a sense of entitlement to all the good things in life.

Those individuals who are narcissistic tend to ignore the needs of other people.

Narcissism can be an element of different kinds of mental illness including narcissistic personality disorder and addiction.

Personal Exceptionalism and Terminal Uniqueness

Personal exceptionalism can sometimes be described as terminal uniqueness. This term is often used negatively for people who are struggling with addiction recovery. The individual feels certain that they are a special case so they do not want to consider options that have worked for other people. It is called terminal uniqueness because this type of thinking can get people killed. Their ideas about personal exceptionalism take them right back to addiction, and they might never get another chance at recovery.

Dangers of Personal Exceptionalism in Recovery

Personal exceptionalism can encourage the individual to build a good life for themselves, but it can also get in the way. This way of thinking can be dangerous for people in recovery because:

It can act as a barrier to interpersonal communications. The individual may not believe that it is possible for other people to really understand them so they dismiss what these people have to say.

It can lead to feelings of loneliness and alienation. These are dangerous emotions to experience in recovery because they can easily become relapse triggers.

This mode of thinking can give the individual a false sense of security in recovery. The individual becomes complacent because they do not believe that a relapse will ever happen to them.

It can give the individual the ability to ignore the consequences of their actions. They become willing to make reckless decisions because they feel that the normal rules do not apply to them.

Terminal uniqueness can stop the individual from seeking help when they need it.

Those individuals who have made it into advanced recovery have a great deal to teach those in early recovery. The person who suffers from terminal uniqueness will probably not believe that such lessons can be of value to them.

When people are overly focused on personal exceptionalism it tends to divide the world into us and them.

It puts the individual into a position where they either feel worse or better than everyone else.

Terminally unique.

I get it. I didn't consider myself gorgeous, amazing, brilliant, etc., but I did think I was pretty smart, and certainly didn't need something like AA (which was great for those OTHER people--you know, the ones who really NEED to be told how to live their lives).

I dunno, for me it took feeling pretty darned desperate to go into those rooms and admit I was beat.

I totally get this post desp1.

Yes, she has poor self esteem which goes hand in hand with huge ego. Coupled with brains and an ability to fool many people that they are wonderful and have it together.

They've used their charm to win the hearts of many. But deep down inside.. she feels so horribly unworthy.

HUGS to you my friend. My AH is similar in some ways. Very grandiose about his superiority. Says he hates people. Hates humanity. Says ridiculous things. Generally considers himself 'above' other people. And yet.. hates himself.

Big ole contradiction. How you feel about yourself is how you treat others. So there you go.

We both need alanon meetings! I've made a pact with myself to say I'm going to the gym next Tuesday morning and attend a meeting instead.

I remember responding to your post about the Campral. Stay on here Desp1 - there are lots of people here who care.

You sound at your wits end. That's what we are all here for cause we have been there and done that.

Same.

Me ex is very intelligent yet has failed at doing anything with his intelligence because he has been drinking and taking drugs since he was 16 years old. I doubt he could do anything with his brain these days as it is so fried, but he had potential...Potential that's something I have since learned NOT to admire. I can see potential in my kids and love it and nurture it for my kids. Why was I so STUPID to try to do the same for an apparently grown man for 23 stupid years?

And rocker, you might like this one, EXAH once drunkenly bellowed to the house and the street and the neighbourhood that, if it wasn't for me,:
"I WOULD BE AS BIG AS BONO!"


Yes, he is a failed musician and it's all my fault. FFS. :lmao

Yeah my RAH strugged with the same. He was proactive about it though and got some assistance to find meeting where those afflicted are "professionals" like him.

Funny I thought the AA program was "principles not personalities" but whatever he shares with me about his meetings usually revolves around someone's profession and/or how interesting that person is.

How sad to not cherish the life you have instead of the life you thought you could or should have had.

I think your wife sounds very narcisisstic. It is a personality disorder all to itself. My mother had this...The problem with the disorder is that it's nearly impossible to get them help because they think they know more and better than everyone else, even the drs. So getting them to one rarely happens. It's hard to live with these people. You will never be right EVER, and you can never please them for any length of time! I feel for you. You are the only person who knows what and how much you can live with and where your breaking point is. I wish you luck.

[QUOTE=r. My AH is similar in some ways. Very grandiose about his superiority. Says he hates people. Hates humanity. Says ridiculous things. Generally considers himself 'above' other people. And yet.. hates himselfd.[/QUOTE]
Same here my AH is like that.:c029:o

When you select a partner you are hoping for a future full of happiness.
When that partner selects addiction over your future "should" you feel cheated or stupid?
How should you respond to their new partner when you can't communicate with their addiction?
When they're drunk they are gone and when they're not they are too hung over.
It's a catch 22 that nobody can ever win...
"Taking that first drink is a dive to the bottom, it's just a really long fall"
Love you Guys XOXO

wow! sounds like she has other problems other than drinking.
with that mindset i caannot nor want to imagine what her bottom would be.
individual therapy for her would be needed and i cant say what you should do but she has work needed

I hear you, really I do. Back in 1996, when we first started dating, I never imagined this as my future. Looking back, I should have seen the signs, but I just didn't want to. And yes, I have felt cheated and angered that I haven't been "chosen" over alcohol, but I also now know that it's not that simple of a choice. Alcoholics are sick in many ways. While in the grip, their sense of reality is skewed - what we see as simple logical choices are not to them. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but I feel a bit less crazy.

I also struggled with being able to talk to my husband in these last couple months. It seemed like he was constantly drinking or hung over or withdrawing. It's impossible to talk to a drunk. It's impossible to communicate with someone who isn't mentally there. I would just wait until he was sober enough. Sometimes I would keep my cool, sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes the message was heard, sometimes it wasn't. But I know that expecting a drunk person to be open to real conversation is expecting too much.

A college teacher. Wow yeah, you have it so tough.