Need to vent, about stupid stuff
 

OK, so I got home after being gone for 2 days at a tennis tournament for my son in Vegas. My AH was home alone. As I'm going about my normal life last night, I notice the hose on the side yard was left on AGAIN, so I turn it off and remind AH to turn it off when he's done using it.

Then I go out back and there's an empty pizza box blowing around on the patio and the wax paper from the box was laying in the pool so I retrieved it and he sees me and says, "Oh, I meant to clean all that up." WHATEVER!

The dog had peed on the floor by the back door and it was dried and sticky and hadn't been cleaned up, there was poop on the back porch that I had to clean up(it was right where we walk), etc.

I am finding that every little thing is setting of my frustration meter. I'm at my wit's end, LOL! I know that those are little things and I have to repeat over and over again, "How important is it? How important is it?", and "Don't sweat the small stuff."

Then he tells me there was a dead packrat floating in the pool and he decided he'd give it a Viking funeral and he burned the dead body in the fire pit. I don't know why but that just sounds creepy, but I guess it's just as bad as putting it in a plastic bag and throwing it out with the trash, which is what I would have done.

Then, I tried to tell him about the small problems I'm having with the car. He shrugged his shoulders, continued watching TV, and pretty much didn't have any input. He just said, "So, go buy a newer car if it's that much of a problem." Umm, I was just trying to have a married couple conversation about weighing the pros and cons of keeping my car versus trading it in, and he just didn't want to be bothered by it. I'm thinking of going out and getting myself a Mercedes at this point since he obviously doesn't want to be involved in the decision making.

OK: my rant is over, LOL! I just needed to put it out there or else I was going to BLOW!:gaah

When I finally accepted that my 34-year-old AD was going to do what she was going to do, my frustration level dropped considerably.

There is a section in one of the stories in the Big Book that I love. It speaks of expectations, and says "the higher my expectations, the lower my serenity."

I expect nothing of my AD...nothing. So there really is no frustration, as long as I remember that.

I took her in one last time to get on her feet, and that was enough for me.

I choose not to live with active addiction today.

It really is that simple for me. :)

It really isn't about alcoholism or addiction. It's about what you want (normal married couple conversations, consideration, respect) vs. what he's willing to give (none of the above).

Acceptance doesn't mean asking yourself "how important is it?" It means accepting him exactly the way he is, without any changes, and asking yourself if this is what you want. Judging from the numerous "vents" over the last several months, I'm guessing the answer is no.

L

Bah.... forget the Mercedes, that's an old folk's car. Go for an Audi "R" or "S" model. ;)

I am a little concerned about the poor dog. Seems like it isn't getting enough walks or else might have a bladder infection.

At least the hose was outside. Reminds me of the time my AH was filling our Jacuzzi in our solarium. He left the hose on and went to an appointment an hour away. rememberd it a few hours later. The solarium was flooded, it came over into our family room, dripped down into the basement and was really a mess.

Liz, what do you think is going on? Or, is this just more or less the norm for him? You?

dandylion

He sounds like an irresponsible slob. I have great difficulty living with irresponsible slobs. I like to take care of things properly so that there are not added messes and problems which occur from neglecting responsibilities. I've lived here almost 10 years and never once had a rodent in my house. AXBF moved in and two years in a row, there was a rat in my house!!!! Disgusting! I could go on and make a list of things that occurred that made more work for me that his way of doing things caused but I see you already know what I'm talking about.

I much prefer living alone than living with someone who creates problems, panic, drama and chaos from their own neglect and irresponsibility and then blames it on others.

This is normal, and has been for quite some time. When I met him, he was a neat freak and super type A about how he lived and took care of stuff. I was very impressed at how clean his apartment was and how organized things were. Over the years the lazy factor has crept up and I know it's also part of his adult ADHD type stuff too. I guess I'm just tired of coming home and walking around the house 'taking care of stuff' and the things I mentioned were just the few things that I took care of. There's plenty of other little 'messes' around here that I'm not touching and leaving for him to clean up.

I just needed somewhere to vent, I'm used to it and accept that this is how he is. I just didn't want to blow up at him because that would be detrimental to any peace we have in the house right now.

Here's a good one to laugh at.
About the dog: she is 15 years old and yes, does have a bladder infection. I have her on meds for pain and antibiotics. Of course, AH did not give her any of her meds. UGH!!!
So, she has a spot that we made for her in the family room: carpet padding folded up with plastic sheeting covering it and then towels thrown over top. The towels get peed on and I usually throw them in a corner on the back porch until I have about 4-5 of them and then wash them. My AH chooses to throw them on the floor of the laundry room. If you open the laundry room door you are hit with the smell of urine so bad it will make you gag. I ask him why he does this instead of throwing them outside. He says it so he'll be more motivated to wash them more often. Inside my little head, it's screaming:"SO WASH THEM!!!!! Don't let them sit on the floor of my laundry room, which is right next to the kitchen. ICK!" So, what usually happens is that I let it go for another day and then can't stand it anymore and wind up doing the wash myself. Is he being passive aggressive? Am I? All part of the madness.

And, he prides himself on being cleaner and neater than anyone else in his family. UMMM, maybe that's because you're married to me, LOL!

Work it out Sister.

Oh, the rats? We live in a mountain community in the hills outside of Phoenix. Our yard backs right up to open desert and everyone here has packrats. They are kind of like field mice. We don't have them in the house luckily. We do have scorpions that get in the house and I have had rattlesnakes and bobcats in the yard, too. I do have a few prairie dogs that like to run my fence line and they are so dang cute. I don't know why they don't run the packrats out of town? And, I saw 3 coyotes running past my fence line one day and thought, "Well they look well fed, so why do we still have these rodents, LOL?"

OMGosh!! Scorpions and rattlesnakes?! Remind me not to move there!! That's one reason I don't want to go to Australia; I've got this impression there are poisonous things all around over there LOL.

I thought a packrat was a person who hoards stuff. Now I'm going to have to google it! :)

Desert Woodrats & Pack Rats (DesertUSA)

Here's a link! I didn't realize they were also called desert woodrats.

Oh, the scorpions are just the beginning in our neighborhood. We have javelina, mountain lions, gila monsters, and other creepy crawly weird things. I found a HUGE centipede in my pool recently and nearly screamed out loud because it was so weird looking. You could look up whiptail scorpion and see an interesting critter, too. Oh, and the bats??? I love my bats! We live 2 houses down from our neighborhood park and the bats will swoop right over your head as they eat the bugs flying in the park lighting. We have about 10 every night who just dance around the sky above your head. Very cool!

The javelina are mean especially if they have babies with them. They will attack humans and dogs if they feel threatened. They also stink, they smell like skunk so you know if they've been around your house because you can smell them. We have chipmunks, squirrels, and other typical neighborhood animals, too. Honestly, I think Arizona is darn close to Australia if you throw in the black widow spiders and brown recluse and tarantulas, too! My son was playing a tennis tournament one day and a few kids stopped playing because a tarantula made an appearance on their court. Someone scooped him up with an 8 x 11 sheet of paper and he was almost as wide as the paper!!! They are such cool spiders! Seriously!

Wow, I didn't know they had all those kind of animals in AZ. I think they have those little red fire ants that bite too? Your husband just seems to be lazy. Normal sober folks can be lazy also.

I drive a Lexus now but am looking at the Acuras. I'd love an Audi but I've heard they're expensive to fix. I'd love to get one, though. I like BMW's too, but again, too expensive to fix. I get my Lexus fixed by my local mechanic and all the parts are Toyota and aren't too pricey. I figured the Acuras are Honda's so that would be a good bet, too.

I'm also looking at the Honda CRV, the Toyota Rav4, and the Nissan Murano.

As for the dog, I made mention of her in my other post. She's a 15 year old shepherd who can barely walk. I know she's close to the end. She's nearly blind, totally deaf, and is really struggling with the bladder problems. On top of the infections she keeps getting, she also has lost nerve function and she poops in her sleep. Doesn't even know she's doing it and this has been going on for 2 years now. Both AH and I are very committed to this dog. We've kept her around longer than most people should. I keep debating over when it's time, she's been with us for 14 years now!

Gosh, suddenly most of my complaints about Germany seem insignificant.
Thanks! ;)

---

quick addition: so sorry to hear about the dog. I know how difficult it can be with a sick dog, especially when they are elderly. Wish you lots of strength and luck for dealing with the end-of-life phase. Very tough but part of the cycle of life.

As for cars, I'm actually driving a Subaru and quite like it. My husband has the Audi.

My mom and sister have Subaru's. I like them, too, but my AH hates them for some strange reason so I don't even bother to look.

We went through the whole old dog thing 2 years ago with our lab mix and she was the most awesome dog in the world. I hated having to put her down and still miss her terribly. We all do.

As for the dog, I made mention of her in my other post. She's a 15 year old shepherd who can barely walk. I know she's close to the end. She's nearly blind, totally deaf, and is really struggling with the bladder problems. On top of the infections she keeps getting, she also has lost nerve function and she poops in her sleep. Doesn't even know she's doing it and this has been going on for 2 years now. Both AH and I are very committed to this dog. We've kept her around longer than most people should. I keep debating over when it's time, she's been with us for 14 years now!

Please put that poor dog out of her misery. I know it is hard to do, but quality of life is most important. She cannot possibly be living a quality life with so many issues. She can barely walk, she can't hear and is almost completely deaf...she soils herself in her sleep. With continuing bladder issue and being on pain medications all the time, it's time to put her out of her misery. You are not doing her any favors by forcing her to continue to live this way. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but our pets give us unconditional love and we should do the same for them.

ACCEPTED....i so agree with this...(goes along with expectations too)

enough would be ENOUGH for me...

Please put your dog down and let him/her go to the Rainbow Bridge. I know it
is not easy. Over the years I have had to do this 15 times so far and I have
another getting ready to tell me when. I learned a few dogs ago, that I cannot
keep them around for me, I have to let them go when their quality of life has
diminished.

Your AH sound like a typical male in this vent. I have always said that men are
really little boys that haven't grown up, the only difference is that their toys are
more expensive now.

My second husband, would take off his underwear, shirt, shorts and socks and drop
them on the floor where he stood, 4 feet from the laundry hamper. I finally got
fed up telling him, and just left them there. It took 2 weeks and quite a pile of
underwear, but he finally ran out, and wondered where his clean ones were. I
told him right where you dropped them, and he looked down at the floor when he
had been daily kicking the pile to move it out of his way. He started to pick them up
and put them in the hampers and I said NOPE don't you dare. You go wash them,
dry them and put them away.

Well it worked for a bit, his underwear would make it to the hamper, but a pile was
again forming. He tried to put the 'pile' in the hamper when I wasn't around, but I
just took it back out and put it on the floor. He FINALLY figured it out after a few
months and his underwear was put in the hamper daily. Didn't save the marriage,
though too many other things were haywire.

I understand you were just venting with your original post, I have to say that most of
it sounds like expectations that were not met, your expectations.

So ........................ you either accept this behavior since it has apparently been
going on for a very long time, not accept it and keep your guts in an uproar, and/or continue on working on you leaving the relationship.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

No one can tell someone else when it is time to put an animal down.

My AD dumped her old cat on me - I paid almost $1,000 to get his teeth fixed (rotten) . . .I have had him for several years now and he is old. Just recently, he apparently had a stroke. I dug a hole for him in the yard and thought he was a goner . . .BUT, he rallied - he is totally blind now and walks around in circles . . . BUT he has quality of life. He is happy. He purrs non-stop and has totally acclimated to being blind . . . Do what's right for your doggie when you know it is time. I am sure you are a good "doggie mommy." :)

Get a Acura. They are some of the most reliable autos available. Honda/Acura can get 300,000 miles on their engines easily. You are correct that the German autos are expensive to fix. They look good though. Your Lexus should still have good resale value. I'm bit of a car buff & thought I'd share. I own a older honda and like it. :)

I know exactly what you mean. Various themes of 'don't sweat the small stuff' and 'it isn't important' and 'doesn't matter' was my mantras - for a very very long time. 'Let it go and get on with it'. 'Get over myself.' 'Count my blessings.' 'I'm ridiculous, this is no big deal.'

I had a very intense reaction to your post because it brought me back to that time in my life. The frustration, that turned to bitterness, that turned to rage, that turned into me hitting my bottom because I was so confused and lost.

LaTeeDa hit on it some. It wasn't really about the pizza box (or whatever) it was about all the rest of it. It was about that fact that he would not/could not even listen to my needs much less fulfill them. I could not depend on him. He could not take care of the cat, much less take care of me. He simply could not be the person I needed. The unspoken frustration had me at my limit. And here is the thing - it does matter. All those months and years of chanting to myself was not acceptance. It was me, ignoring my truths, telling myself that *I* did not matter. That my needs/wants/feelings were not important. My xah didn't have to brainwash me with all the endless verbal diatribes and abuse I read about here because I did it to myself. I got detached all right. There is a trick to detachment that I never learned. I detached from him *and me* and somehow - one has to detach from them but not from ourselves. I don't know how to do that without physical detachment.

Sorry but this made me LOL.

When you mentioned that he couldn't be the person you needed, I think like that too. Then, I start thinking that maybe I just set the bar too high? Maybe I want too much from a marriage and so it's my fault that we're in this mess. And, yes, I need to learn how to not detach from myself, as well. My therapist gets on me about this because I have a hard time just expressing real raw emotion. Yes, I get frustrated, angry, sad, etc but to feel those things to the depths of where they come from? Nope, not happening. And, that is where I need to begin.

Liz ~ sweetie, this caught my attention - I too thought for many years - that it was my fault ~ That I wanted too much from my (now ex) AH ~

I started thinking maybe it WAS me that was too demanding, requiring too much from a partner, etc. . .

As you have seen me share, during those last few yrs of that marriage - I did lots of work, seeking what my HP wanted for me, what I thought I need to improve, and what I wanted for my life ~

I decided I would be OK alone rather than be in a relationship where I was so discounted by another person. I was basically ALONE already ~ I was the one supporting the home finanically, emotionally, - making all those important decisions, doing all the work, taking on all the responsibility ( upkeep, etc.)

I know this is just a vent post and please please - keep venting - thats what I did on my journey too ~ but just from the view of a woman that walked that path ~

please know it is not too much to ask to have an equal partner to participate in the home, in your life, in your marriage and in your walk thru this world ~ if they aren't willing to participate then is the relationship mutually beneficial?

Just the same questions my sponsor asked me as I worked thru the process, sharing them with you for you to be able to continue on your path seeking your answers . . .

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Liz - I had those same thoughts. I still have them sometimes or think I'm just not cut out for interpersonal intimate relationships. Perhaps I'm just to messed up. Relationships and happiness seem to be for other people, not for me, and that is because of *me* not him or them.

In the end I got to a point where I said - "Well that might be true but it doesn't change the fact that this, right here today, what I have now with this person, is just not working. I am more miserable than I am happy." The scales eventually tipped and all I could think about was being away and alone. I still stayed but I didn't have even a fraction of the recovery that you have. You may never reach that point either - I'm just sharing my experience.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you don't have to settle. It is OK to say "This isn't working." Period.

Thank you, Rita and Thumper. I needed to read your words today. Just having a very down day when I look back on the words that my AH has said to me a few days ago and realizing that he hasn't done a damn thing for 'willing to work on it'. It just makes me sad that he pretty much expects me to do all the work so that he can come out smelling like a rose.

I identify with this in a way that's way too close for comfort.

From my perspective, this man who is an active alcoholic can't be the person you need, which is a mature, adult partner. He can't be a partner to you, emotionally or sexually, he can't be a sounding board, he can't be a co-parent, and he can't be trusted. You can wonder if you set the bar too high -- and yeah? If you're going to stay married to an alcoholic for the lifestyle perks, you will need to rework your expectations.

At your own peril! You spend a lot of time excusing his unacceptable behavior and minimizing the effects of his drinking on you, your son, and your general household. These stories make me cringe.

On the other hand, you could give up the Audi/BMW/tennis vacation lifestyle for now and get away from his antics, get your son to a safe place, take real care of your animals, and have a real shot at happiness and fulfillment yourself.

Keep venting, but this is my two cents.

I had the exact same thoughts... I wondered for YEARS if I was being too picky, too demanding, too critical... too unrealistic. Didn't help that I had my XAH TELLING me that I was all those things!!!

So, before recovery... my life was like a limbo contest... how low could I go?!?! I kept lowering the bar on my expectations. I thought that "accepting life as-is" meant... you get what you get and you don't throw a fit! That's not the case at all.

Acceptance means we see things as they are... and then we decide what WE do or don't do with it. Accepting my XAH AS-IS meant - seeing him, warts and all, and deciding if I wanted to live with that the rest of my life or not. Accepting DIDN'T equate to settling!! For me, acceptance set me free.

What I wanted for my life (my expectations!!) were NOT unreasonable... but expecting my XAH to meet them... that WAS unreasonable!! Sooo... in my case... it turns out that I had been shoving a round peg into a square hole all those years. My XAH just wasn't the ying for my yang :) Phew... I felt soooo much better when I got to that point. It set us BOTH free. My anger at him subsided. And the best part... I got my self-worth back. I was worth more and deserved better treatment than I was getting... and now I'm free to go get it.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

Thanks, Shannon, for sharing. My mom shared with me exactly that about being married to my dad. Her second husband is great for her even though I don't get along with him. My dad was like a lump on a log who just sat there and drank every night. He wasn't argumentative, he wasn't a jerk to her, he just wasn't 'anything', and she finally realized that her expectations of marriage weren't going to be met by my dad, but she was able to find that with someone else. And, my dad found someone else, too, very quickly. I swear I was never really bitter or angry over my parent's divorce. They both found folks who met their needs: my mom met a man who wanted to eat healthy, be told what vitamins to take, and was willing to read all the new articles on health and wellness and my dad met a woman who could out-drink and out-smoke him and she was the breadwinner in their relationship so he had a provider, too! Go figure.

Every time I share some of the 'woes me' stuff that AH writes, she says, "You know who that sounds like? Like your father." Now, I swore up and down that I wasn't going to marry a guy like my father. AH didn't smoke when we got married,he quit drinking before we got married, and he was going to church and seemed committed to a positive and bright future. None of those things reminded me of my dad. So, what do I have now? My AH smokes a pipe daily(he started this last fall out of the blue), he drinks, and has turned his back on going to church. Strange coincidence? I think not!