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Need to vent, about stupid stuff

Old 09-03-2012, 07:19 AM
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Need to vent, about stupid stuff

OK, so I got home after being gone for 2 days at a tennis tournament for my son in Vegas. My AH was home alone. As I'm going about my normal life last night, I notice the hose on the side yard was left on AGAIN, so I turn it off and remind AH to turn it off when he's done using it.

Then I go out back and there's an empty pizza box blowing around on the patio and the wax paper from the box was laying in the pool so I retrieved it and he sees me and says, "Oh, I meant to clean all that up." WHATEVER!

The dog had peed on the floor by the back door and it was dried and sticky and hadn't been cleaned up, there was poop on the back porch that I had to clean up(it was right where we walk), etc.

I am finding that every little thing is setting of my frustration meter. I'm at my wit's end, LOL! I know that those are little things and I have to repeat over and over again, "How important is it? How important is it?", and "Don't sweat the small stuff."

Then he tells me there was a dead packrat floating in the pool and he decided he'd give it a Viking funeral and he burned the dead body in the fire pit. I don't know why but that just sounds creepy, but I guess it's just as bad as putting it in a plastic bag and throwing it out with the trash, which is what I would have done.

Then, I tried to tell him about the small problems I'm having with the car. He shrugged his shoulders, continued watching TV, and pretty much didn't have any input. He just said, "So, go buy a newer car if it's that much of a problem." Umm, I was just trying to have a married couple conversation about weighing the pros and cons of keeping my car versus trading it in, and he just didn't want to be bothered by it. I'm thinking of going out and getting myself a Mercedes at this point since he obviously doesn't want to be involved in the decision making.

OK: my rant is over, LOL! I just needed to put it out there or else I was going to BLOW!
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Old 09-03-2012, 07:39 AM
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When I finally accepted that my 34-year-old AD was going to do what she was going to do, my frustration level dropped considerably.

There is a section in one of the stories in the Big Book that I love. It speaks of expectations, and says "the higher my expectations, the lower my serenity."

I expect nothing of my AD...nothing. So there really is no frustration, as long as I remember that.

I took her in one last time to get on her feet, and that was enough for me.

I choose not to live with active addiction today.

It really is that simple for me.
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Old 09-03-2012, 07:46 AM
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It really isn't about alcoholism or addiction. It's about what you want (normal married couple conversations, consideration, respect) vs. what he's willing to give (none of the above).

Acceptance doesn't mean asking yourself "how important is it?" It means accepting him exactly the way he is, without any changes, and asking yourself if this is what you want. Judging from the numerous "vents" over the last several months, I'm guessing the answer is no.

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Old 09-03-2012, 07:52 AM
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Bah.... forget the Mercedes, that's an old folk's car. Go for an Audi "R" or "S" model.

I am a little concerned about the poor dog. Seems like it isn't getting enough walks or else might have a bladder infection.
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:03 AM
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At least the hose was outside. Reminds me of the time my AH was filling our Jacuzzi in our solarium. He left the hose on and went to an appointment an hour away. rememberd it a few hours later. The solarium was flooded, it came over into our family room, dripped down into the basement and was really a mess.
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:14 AM
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Liz, what do you think is going on? Or, is this just more or less the norm for him? You?

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Old 09-03-2012, 08:23 AM
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He sounds like an irresponsible slob. I have great difficulty living with irresponsible slobs. I like to take care of things properly so that there are not added messes and problems which occur from neglecting responsibilities. I've lived here almost 10 years and never once had a rodent in my house. AXBF moved in and two years in a row, there was a rat in my house!!!! Disgusting! I could go on and make a list of things that occurred that made more work for me that his way of doing things caused but I see you already know what I'm talking about.

I much prefer living alone than living with someone who creates problems, panic, drama and chaos from their own neglect and irresponsibility and then blames it on others.
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Liz, what do you think is going on? Or, is this just more or less the norm for him? You?

dandylion
This is normal, and has been for quite some time. When I met him, he was a neat freak and super type A about how he lived and took care of stuff. I was very impressed at how clean his apartment was and how organized things were. Over the years the lazy factor has crept up and I know it's also part of his adult ADHD type stuff too. I guess I'm just tired of coming home and walking around the house 'taking care of stuff' and the things I mentioned were just the few things that I took care of. There's plenty of other little 'messes' around here that I'm not touching and leaving for him to clean up.

I just needed somewhere to vent, I'm used to it and accept that this is how he is. I just didn't want to blow up at him because that would be detrimental to any peace we have in the house right now.

Here's a good one to laugh at.
About the dog: she is 15 years old and yes, does have a bladder infection. I have her on meds for pain and antibiotics. Of course, AH did not give her any of her meds. UGH!!!
So, she has a spot that we made for her in the family room: carpet padding folded up with plastic sheeting covering it and then towels thrown over top. The towels get peed on and I usually throw them in a corner on the back porch until I have about 4-5 of them and then wash them. My AH chooses to throw them on the floor of the laundry room. If you open the laundry room door you are hit with the smell of urine so bad it will make you gag. I ask him why he does this instead of throwing them outside. He says it so he'll be more motivated to wash them more often. Inside my little head, it's screaming:"SO WASH THEM!!!!! Don't let them sit on the floor of my laundry room, which is right next to the kitchen. ICK!" So, what usually happens is that I let it go for another day and then can't stand it anymore and wind up doing the wash myself. Is he being passive aggressive? Am I? All part of the madness.

And, he prides himself on being cleaner and neater than anyone else in his family. UMMM, maybe that's because you're married to me, LOL!
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:48 AM
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Work it out Sister.
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
He sounds like an irresponsible slob. I have great difficulty living with irresponsible slobs. I like to take care of things properly so that there are not added messes and problems which occur from neglecting responsibilities. I've lived here almost 10 years and never once had a rodent in my house. AXBF moved in and two years in a row, there was a rat in my house!!!! Disgusting! I could go on and make a list of things that occurred that made more work for me that his way of doing things caused but I see you already know what I'm talking about.

I much prefer living alone than living with someone who creates problems, panic, drama and chaos from their own neglect and irresponsibility and then blames it on others.
Oh, the rats? We live in a mountain community in the hills outside of Phoenix. Our yard backs right up to open desert and everyone here has packrats. They are kind of like field mice. We don't have them in the house luckily. We do have scorpions that get in the house and I have had rattlesnakes and bobcats in the yard, too. I do have a few prairie dogs that like to run my fence line and they are so dang cute. I don't know why they don't run the packrats out of town? And, I saw 3 coyotes running past my fence line one day and thought, "Well they look well fed, so why do we still have these rodents, LOL?"
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:59 AM
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OMGosh!! Scorpions and rattlesnakes?! Remind me not to move there!! That's one reason I don't want to go to Australia; I've got this impression there are poisonous things all around over there LOL.

I thought a packrat was a person who hoards stuff. Now I'm going to have to google it!
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
OMGosh!! Scorpions and rattlesnakes?! Remind me not to move there!! That's one reason I don't want to go to Australia; I've got this impression there are poisonous things all around over there LOL.

I thought a packrat was a person who hoards stuff. Now I'm going to have to google it!
Desert Woodrats & Pack Rats (DesertUSA)

Here's a link! I didn't realize they were also called desert woodrats.

Oh, the scorpions are just the beginning in our neighborhood. We have javelina, mountain lions, gila monsters, and other creepy crawly weird things. I found a HUGE centipede in my pool recently and nearly screamed out loud because it was so weird looking. You could look up whiptail scorpion and see an interesting critter, too. Oh, and the bats??? I love my bats! We live 2 houses down from our neighborhood park and the bats will swoop right over your head as they eat the bugs flying in the park lighting. We have about 10 every night who just dance around the sky above your head. Very cool!

The javelina are mean especially if they have babies with them. They will attack humans and dogs if they feel threatened. They also stink, they smell like skunk so you know if they've been around your house because you can smell them. We have chipmunks, squirrels, and other typical neighborhood animals, too. Honestly, I think Arizona is darn close to Australia if you throw in the black widow spiders and brown recluse and tarantulas, too! My son was playing a tennis tournament one day and a few kids stopped playing because a tarantula made an appearance on their court. Someone scooped him up with an 8 x 11 sheet of paper and he was almost as wide as the paper!!! They are such cool spiders! Seriously!
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:29 AM
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Wow, I didn't know they had all those kind of animals in AZ. I think they have those little red fire ants that bite too? Your husband just seems to be lazy. Normal sober folks can be lazy also.
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Hypatia View Post
Bah.... forget the Mercedes, that's an old folk's car. Go for an Audi "R" or "S" model.

I am a little concerned about the poor dog. Seems like it isn't getting enough walks or else might have a bladder infection.
I drive a Lexus now but am looking at the Acuras. I'd love an Audi but I've heard they're expensive to fix. I'd love to get one, though. I like BMW's too, but again, too expensive to fix. I get my Lexus fixed by my local mechanic and all the parts are Toyota and aren't too pricey. I figured the Acuras are Honda's so that would be a good bet, too.

I'm also looking at the Honda CRV, the Toyota Rav4, and the Nissan Murano.

As for the dog, I made mention of her in my other post. She's a 15 year old shepherd who can barely walk. I know she's close to the end. She's nearly blind, totally deaf, and is really struggling with the bladder problems. On top of the infections she keeps getting, she also has lost nerve function and she poops in her sleep. Doesn't even know she's doing it and this has been going on for 2 years now. Both AH and I are very committed to this dog. We've kept her around longer than most people should. I keep debating over when it's time, she's been with us for 14 years now!
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:40 AM
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Gosh, suddenly most of my complaints about Germany seem insignificant.
Thanks!

---

quick addition: so sorry to hear about the dog. I know how difficult it can be with a sick dog, especially when they are elderly. Wish you lots of strength and luck for dealing with the end-of-life phase. Very tough but part of the cycle of life.

As for cars, I'm actually driving a Subaru and quite like it. My husband has the Audi.
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Hypatia View Post
Gosh, suddenly most of my complaints about Germany seem insignificant.
Thanks!

---

quick addition: so sorry to hear about the dog. I know how difficult it can be with a sick dog, especially when they are elderly. Wish you lots of strength and luck for dealing with the end-of-life phase. Very tough but part of the cycle of life.

As for cars, I'm actually driving a Subaru and quite like it. My husband has the Audi.
My mom and sister have Subaru's. I like them, too, but my AH hates them for some strange reason so I don't even bother to look.

We went through the whole old dog thing 2 years ago with our lab mix and she was the most awesome dog in the world. I hated having to put her down and still miss her terribly. We all do.
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:51 AM
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As for the dog, I made mention of her in my other post. She's a 15 year old shepherd who can barely walk. I know she's close to the end. She's nearly blind, totally deaf, and is really struggling with the bladder problems. On top of the infections she keeps getting, she also has lost nerve function and she poops in her sleep. Doesn't even know she's doing it and this has been going on for 2 years now. Both AH and I are very committed to this dog. We've kept her around longer than most people should. I keep debating over when it's time, she's been with us for 14 years now!

Please put that poor dog out of her misery. I know it is hard to do, but quality of life is most important. She cannot possibly be living a quality life with so many issues. She can barely walk, she can't hear and is almost completely deaf...she soils herself in her sleep. With continuing bladder issue and being on pain medications all the time, it's time to put her out of her misery. You are not doing her any favors by forcing her to continue to live this way. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but our pets give us unconditional love and we should do the same for them.
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
When I finally accepted that my 34-year-old AD was going to do what she was going to do, my frustration level dropped considerably.

There is a section in one of the stories in the Big Book that I love. It speaks of expectations, and says "the higher my expectations, the lower my serenity."
ACCEPTED....i so agree with this...(goes along with expectations too)

enough would be ENOUGH for me...
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Old 09-03-2012, 01:50 PM
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Please put your dog down and let him/her go to the Rainbow Bridge. I know it
is not easy. Over the years I have had to do this 15 times so far and I have
another getting ready to tell me when. I learned a few dogs ago, that I cannot
keep them around for me, I have to let them go when their quality of life has
diminished.

Your AH sound like a typical male in this vent. I have always said that men are
really little boys that haven't grown up, the only difference is that their toys are
more expensive now.

My second husband, would take off his underwear, shirt, shorts and socks and drop
them on the floor where he stood, 4 feet from the laundry hamper. I finally got
fed up telling him, and just left them there. It took 2 weeks and quite a pile of
underwear, but he finally ran out, and wondered where his clean ones were. I
told him right where you dropped them, and he looked down at the floor when he
had been daily kicking the pile to move it out of his way. He started to pick them up
and put them in the hampers and I said NOPE don't you dare. You go wash them,
dry them and put them away.

Well it worked for a bit, his underwear would make it to the hamper, but a pile was
again forming. He tried to put the 'pile' in the hamper when I wasn't around, but I
just took it back out and put it on the floor. He FINALLY figured it out after a few
months and his underwear was put in the hamper daily. Didn't save the marriage,
though too many other things were haywire.

I understand you were just venting with your original post, I have to say that most of
it sounds like expectations that were not met, your expectations.

So ........................ you either accept this behavior since it has apparently been
going on for a very long time, not accept it and keep your guts in an uproar, and/or continue on working on you leaving the relationship.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-03-2012, 03:17 PM
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No one can tell someone else when it is time to put an animal down.

My AD dumped her old cat on me - I paid almost $1,000 to get his teeth fixed (rotten) . . .I have had him for several years now and he is old. Just recently, he apparently had a stroke. I dug a hole for him in the yard and thought he was a goner . . .BUT, he rallied - he is totally blind now and walks around in circles . . . BUT he has quality of life. He is happy. He purrs non-stop and has totally acclimated to being blind . . . Do what's right for your doggie when you know it is time. I am sure you are a good "doggie mommy."
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