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Originally Posted by vujade
(Post 3186644)
Wow DE! I've SOOOO been there. I'm two years out of the initial physical separation (the divorce took 16 months because of all the financial issues) and whereas I still have those sad and guilty feelings from time-to-time, they are not nearly as intense or frequent as they were in the first few months. Much like you, I am a professional, I am responsible with money, and yet we STILL ended up in BK. I trudged through it and thought it could be a new start for us but as soon as we were out of that immediate emergency and I got things under control, he was out racking up more debt behind my back. I found out about that and an affair in one day (I was actually looking for Rx drugs and found a loan payment book and suggestive texts from a woman instead) and I was DONE. It still floors him that I could just walk away, but the truth is that I had been so incredibly lonely for a partner for so long, I really had emotionally walked away long before that day. I will forewarn you that even though have clearly made your decision (a wise and healthy one, at that), there do come times of weakness and uncertainty. I have learned that a journal really helped me. I kept a good account of my thoughts and his actions so that when I felt those moments of weakness, I could revisit the strong and resolute "me" and remember why I made the choices I made. My kiddos and I still have to deal with some BS that comes from his continued poor-decision making but I have to remind myself that at least it isn't every day and that because *I* am free of his insanity, I am a more stable parent for them than I was in past years. Hang in there!!! You sound like you are clear and determined and you'll get nothing but support here. |
Originally Posted by enodm
(Post 3204514)
GOOD FOR YOU!!! Stay strong!!! At 38 I just moved back to my parents basement UGH!!! I am at some wierd place.. where I feel GUILT, ANGER, SADNESS, DISGUST and HATE!!! Reading all of these posts helps reassure me!!! Thanks!!! |
Wow...you could be writing about me..it all sounds way too familar! Thank you for sharing..because you sharing helps me believe I'm not alone. I had no idea how common this type of behavior is..not only for the A but also the RA. I'm learning so much from these boards. Thank God..I found you when I did. Just 3 weeks ago..I was so close to thinking maybe he (and the rest of my family) would just be better off without me. Of course that is NOT the answer...but I can definitely relate to the hopeless feelings. Prayers for you!! |
Well done Decades! I like reading your posts. Through all the pain there's a great certainty. Re: practicalities. Do you really trust him to move out after Christmas? I don't. And do you trust him to do what's necessary to put the house up for sale? Somehow I don't see him doing that either. You could get a divorce lawyer to hammer out an agreement that includes his doing these things. Alternately, could there be a Plan B that you go and get an apartment with kids, for the time being, while the house goes on the market? |
Enough about him, you're the important person. What steps are you taking for yourself and your children? Do you have a plan? |
Originally Posted by akrasia
(Post 3205515)
Well done Decades! I like reading your posts. Through all the pain there's a great certainty. Re: practicalities. Do you really trust him to move out after Christmas? I don't. And do you trust him to do what's necessary to put the house up for sale? Somehow I don't see him doing that either. You could get a divorce lawyer to hammer out an agreement that includes his doing these things. Alternately, could there be a Plan B that you go and get an apartment with kids, for the time being, while the house goes on the market? Thank YOU girl! For reminding me of the certainty. It helps me a ton to know that the certainty isn't just in my own mind, others see it too. believe it or not, those darn alcoholics make you questions your own sanity at times ;) Ginat hugs for you for taking the time to encourage me and cheer me on. I need it badly. Moving forward sometimes feels like treading water. You guys give me the strength to follow through and the reassurance that I'm doing the right thing through the cloud of guilt. |
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
(Post 3205520)
Enough about him, you're the important person. What steps are you taking for yourself and your children? Do you have a plan? But I'm open to suggestions. |
Originally Posted by Debi4vols
(Post 3205492)
Wow...you could be writing about me..it all sounds way too familar! Thank you for sharing..because you sharing helps me believe I'm not alone. I had no idea how common this type of behavior is..not only for the A but also the RA. I'm learning so much from these boards. Thank God..I found you when I did. Just 3 weeks ago..I was so close to thinking maybe he (and the rest of my family) would just be better off without me. Of course that is NOT the answer...but I can definitely relate to the hopeless feelings. Prayers for you!! The day that I decided once and for all, done waffling, that I was done with this mess.....it seemed like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. All the hurt, all the suffering, all the pain he had caused me over the years, just kind of melted away. It does not bother me at all anymore. Yeah, I'm sure I'll be more cautious when it comes to men, maybe have a few trust issues. But I will NOT have the misery and ache that comes with spending your life with an alcoholic. Never again. |
Decades - I just now read through your whole thread. Sounds so much like my struggle leaving my X -- hard to believe that was four years ago now; and I still come back and read this forum to remind myself that I did the right thing. I don't even remember when our marriage started falling apart, but it was long before I even discovered that he was a closet alcoholic. That kind of says alot right there... we spent so little time interacting with each other, that I didn't know he was always drunk! When I found out it was just the thing that gave me a legit reason to leave him. I decided I was done, and told him. He begged me to stay, I did. We tried counseling.... after a couple of appointments I figured that since he wanted this so bad, he could schedule the future appointments; he never did. I stepped back a little and just watched. I watched how much effort he put into our relationship. None..... sad really. He hadn't for a long time, and I accepted it cause I didn't think I deserved any better. During the "second chance" was my birthday, our anniversary, and I had a major surgery..... Any of those would have been a time for a special (not expensive) gift or a little extra attention. Nope. Even after we were separated, but still contemplating reconciling.... along came Christmas and he have me a spatula. Yes, a spatula, a cheap plastic spatula..... Really!!! Plus, of course, he kept drinking the whole time but swore up and down he was not. I found his hidden stash in the rafters of our garage; plus found the empties he thought I would not notice in the recycling bin. The last conversation we had as a married couple: Me - I want you to tell me how much you are drinking. Him - Nothing Me - If I told you that I know for a fact that you are lying, would you change your answer? Him - NO... (emphatically and angrily) I AM NOT DRINKING ANYTHING. Me - Ok, I'll be moved out by the end of the week. Decades, you know what is right. Trust yourself! |
Decades- I feel empowered by what you are doing and writing. A big lesson I have had to learn in all this is that self care does not equal selfish. I think you are talking about providing self care for you and your children...not being selfish. |
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
(Post 3205771)
Decades- I feel empowered by what you are doing and writing. A big lesson I have had to learn in all this is that self care does not equal selfish. I think you are talking about providing self care for you and your children...not being selfish. |
Originally Posted by DecadesEnd
(Post 3205466)
I got angry and dropped the laundry basket full of clothes I was holding and said 'FINE! You want another ten years of THIS? Is THIS what you want? FINE! Keep me in this misery for ten more years so YOU feel better. FINE! But it's only prolonging OUR agony. I do NOT want to be in this relationship ANYMORE. And I KNOW you KNOW THAT. But you REFUSE to let me go because YOU have a problem. But if that's what you want FINE. That's what you'll get." He isn't capable of making a rational decision; you are. He may feel hurt and sad and angry. He has a right to feel what he feels. It doesn't make you responsible for his feelings. You don't have to wait until he feels OK about everything. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness, and he is responsible for his. As long as you stay locked in this dance, neither one of you is making any progress. Trust me, I understand your feelings. You care about this person. You don't want to harm him. I left my second husband when he went back to drinking after almost dying of liver failure. I felt sad, his family tried to make me feel guilty, and yes, I felt a little like I was abandoning him. But the fact is, I was at the end of my rope, and he was drowning and trying to pull me down with him. My leaving was a matter of self-preservation when I could do nothing to help him. My staying would not have saved him from himself. In leaving, I regained freedom, and he was free to make his own decisions about his own life without my "help" (which wasn't really help at all--just my own attempts to control the uncontrollable). |
Wishing you the best on your search to find out what is healthiest for you and your children ~ From someone who has walked this path and been faced with many many ugly truths and difficulties divorcing an alcoholic/addict that didn't want a divorce - I might suggest you seek some legal advice from an attorney as soon as possible. There is lots of damage that can be done by an angry AH in a few weeks. PINK HUGS, Rita |
Wow, I sure can feel your strength in your posts... I suspect he'll keep making his comments to try and sway you to change your mind again. It's the manipulation factor of the disease. Stay strong, it sounds like you are on a good path... Good luck and God bless you!!! |
Originally Posted by LexieCat
(Post 3205871)
Who's laying a guilt trip on whom, here? It isn't any more fair for you to do it to him than it is for him to do it to you. If you want it over, make it be over. If you wait for him to agree that this is the best thing for all concerned, well, I hope you are planning your golden anniversary, because he isn't about to admit any such thing. He isn't capable of making a rational decision; you are. He may feel hurt and sad and angry. He has a right to feel what he feels. It doesn't make you responsible for his feelings. You don't have to wait until he feels OK about everything. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness, and he is responsible for his. As long as you stay locked in this dance, neither one of you is making any progress. Trust me, I understand your feelings. You care about this person. You don't want to harm him. I left my second husband when he went back to drinking after almost dying of liver failure. I felt sad, his family tried to make me feel guilty, and yes, I felt a little like I was abandoning him. But the fact is, I was at the end of my rope, and he was drowning and trying to pull me down with him. My leaving was a matter of self-preservation when I could do nothing to help him. My staying would not have saved him from himself. In leaving, I regained freedom, and he was free to make his own decisions about his own life without my "help" (which wasn't really help at all--just my own attempts to control the uncontrollable). But you're right, you're totally right. It is hard not to get sucked in isn't it? But I have a plan, and in a few short weeks this will all be a memory. |
Originally Posted by Portia123
(Post 3206900)
Wow, I sure can feel your strength in your posts... I suspect he'll keep making his comments to try and sway you to change your mind again. It's the manipulation factor of the disease. Stay strong, it sounds like you are on a good path... Good luck and God bless you!!! |
I like Lexie's point. I expect you're still fighting with him because there are still shreds of hope that he might have a eureka moment. Those terminal stages of hope are the hardest to deal with. |
Nearly every post in this thread sounds so much like my own situation. I have tried to "thank" each post that really hit home with me. I have no support from friends or family because no one can really understand what it's like until they have been there for themselves. Most people think it's not a problem or I'M the problem because they don't want to know about someone elses problems. I am so relieved to see that others have the exact same feelings as I do and that it is possibly not just me being selfish for wanting to live a life free of the disease of alcoholism. |
Ooooh yes. My AH has often said how his brother is the only one who has consistently been "non-judgemental" about his alcoholism. [insert sad violin music here] Of course his brother hasn't lived under the same roof with AH since the Eisenhower administration, but I'm sure that's beside the point. |
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