I'm feeling very selfish about this.....

Old 11-28-2011, 11:07 AM
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I'm feeling very selfish about this.....

So....after 13 years of marriage...I've finally gotten it through to my alcoholic husband that I want out. And I mean it this time. We left the bankruptcy attorney this morning and I told him. His neverending cycle of financial irresponsibility, his emotional neglect, his verbal beat downs, have finally caught up with me. I'm a professional, I should NOT be in a bankruptcy attorneys office again. The first time we paid a trustee, this time it's everything goes. I'm keeping the house, the kids, he's getting very little. It's not like I haven't given him warning. I left him three years ago, he stopped drinking, I came back. But with the promise that if he ever started drinking again, I was done. And I would keep the house, the kids, the everything. And that's what I intend to do. I'm tired. I'm tired of supporting him, worrying about him, his binge eating, his binge starving, the fact that he's 41 years old and weighs less than my 16 year old. We stopped having an intimate relationship years ago. I miss that. I told him I wanted that again, but not with him. And that he needed to go. he says he can't support himself. He can, but he can't do it if he's drinking and smoking. But that's no longer my problem.
It's hard to feel lonely when you're married. But it's been that way for at least a decade. I feel I deserve more. And I do.
So why then...do I feel guilty for it? Not that I'm changing my mind, I'm not. Just not sure where the guilt comes from. Like I'm being a horrible person for making him go.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:36 AM
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Decades...I feel for you.
My AH of 11 years left last weekend after I had reached the end of my rope. We are not bankrupt...but owe a shed load of money in unpaid bills etc.
It's been the toughest decision I have ever had to make, but this time I did it with my head and not my heart. The love i had has been well and truly sucked out of me, so I guess I am not the "walkover" i used to be...giving in to the emotional blackmail.
WE DO DESERVE BETTER...and now we have the chance.

I have felt the guilt too...but I believe I have done the right thing for me and my boys.

Take good care
M.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:37 AM
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So why then...do I feel guilty for it? Not that I'm changing my mind, I'm not. Just not sure where the guilt comes from. Like I'm being a horrible person for making him go.
Girl don't get me started about Guilt. You feel guilty for it because that is how he and his disease WANT you to feel. It is part and parcel of this disease and guilt is a VERY strong type of Manipulation. IMO, it doesn't really matter where the guilt comes from, just know that it is coming from OUTSIDE of you and you can defeat it. You NEED to defeat it!

You don't even need to ask why, all you need to do is start stomping it out. What worked for me was I started calling myself on it. Every time I felt it, every time I acted on it, every time I spoke a word of guilt, I called myself out. I had to tell myself, "Stop!" When I'd feel it, I'd start singing some stupid little song I'd make up as I went. You can start by saying things like, "Not my problem" or "Not my fault" or whatever fits the situation and just keep repeating it until the guilty feelings go away. It's like I had to go from one extreme to the next, from guilt to almost apathy, in order to find a happy medium. Now, I trust my ability to turn my head away when it is appropriate.

Some would have you believe it is YOUR responsibility to stay with this man until death do you part. But what would they say if it was YOUR death he was causing? Because that is what I believe sticking closely with the alcoholics and addicts in our lives does, it kills us, slowly but surely. There are no "shoulds." Get out and save yourself before he takes you down yet again but this time beyond the point of no return. Hope I don't sound too doom-and-gloomy.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:42 AM
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Milly, funny you responded to my thread when I was three pages deep responding to yours. Friends?
L2L...thank you! Bless you! You're exactly right!
And Milly, you're rick, the love I once felt for this man has been sucked right out of me. I totally feel you there. I can barely muster compassion at this point.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:52 AM
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Friends? - Sure!!

I feel like a hard cow sometimes, but when you've had enough, you've had enough !!
All the " but I love you's " in the world are not gonna cure this awful disease and make me change my mind and take him back.
You get to the stage where you actually can't bear to be around that person anymore and then the resentment and hate follows.
M.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:59 AM
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I asked my counselor why I feel guilty.
She said a few words that meant the world to me.
She said, "Not only do you have the RIGHT to remove yourself from that situation -- you have the RESPONSIBILITY to remove yourself and your children from a destructive situation."

Good for you. The grass IS greener on this side. Promise.
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:43 PM
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Guilt is a self imposed emotion, basically caused by fear. You have nothing to be guilty about, you gave it your best shot, time to move on and start a new life, where you are in control, not him, not alcohol.
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Milly39 View Post
Friends? - Sure!!

I feel like a hard cow sometimes, but when you've had enough, you've had enough !!
All the " but I love you's " in the world are not gonna cure this awful disease and make me change my mind and take him back.
You get to the stage where you actually can't bear to be around that person anymore and then the resentment and hate follows.
M.
I reached that point a looong time ago. And I am actually hurting him with it, he's just too drunk/hungover to realize it. I have zero attraction to this man, even though he's a good looking enough fella. I can barely stand to be in the same room. And I totally and completely understand how you feel. And it is SO reassuring to know it's ok, I'm not alone in that. That's it's par for the course.
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Old 11-28-2011, 12:57 PM
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And thank you Lil! Yes, you're right. And Dil, that's right too. I should NOT feel guilty for being responsible and putting the welfare of myself and my kids first. I should NOT.
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Old 11-28-2011, 01:07 PM
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Been there, done that, have the attorney receipts to prove it.

Selfish? Hardly. But if that's what you want to call it, so be it. Self-preservation would be a better way to put it, though.

I felt guilty too. I stuck around a lot longer than I should have. The guilt passes... hang in there.

D
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:14 PM
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Serve an eviction notice on "Mr. Guilt Monster"

Let him know you are making decisions to teach your children how to have dignity, respect and self-love - so that when they are grown and have relationships they will know how to be treated with love, respect, dignity and honor!

LIKE EVERYONE DESERVES!

That's what helped me change my way of thinking and walk away from a situation similiar to yours after 16 plus years!

It's been over 3 yrs and LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PINK HUGS to you!

Rita
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:22 PM
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Wow DE! I've SOOOO been there. I'm two years out of the initial physical separation (the divorce took 16 months because of all the financial issues) and whereas I still have those sad and guilty feelings from time-to-time, they are not nearly as intense or frequent as they were in the first few months.

Much like you, I am a professional, I am responsible with money, and yet we STILL ended up in BK. I trudged through it and thought it could be a new start for us but as soon as we were out of that immediate emergency and I got things under control, he was out racking up more debt behind my back. I found out about that and an affair in one day (I was actually looking for Rx drugs and found a loan payment book and suggestive texts from a woman instead) and I was DONE. It still floors him that I could just walk away, but the truth is that I had been so incredibly lonely for a partner for so long, I really had emotionally walked away long before that day.

I will forewarn you that even though have clearly made your decision (a wise and healthy one, at that), there do come times of weakness and uncertainty. I have learned that a journal really helped me. I kept a good account of my thoughts and his actions so that when I felt those moments of weakness, I could revisit the strong and resolute "me" and remember why I made the choices I made.

My kiddos and I still have to deal with some BS that comes from his continued poor-decision making but I have to remind myself that at least it isn't every day and that because *I* am free of his insanity, I am a more stable parent for them than I was in past years.

Hang in there!!! You sound like you are clear and determined and you'll get nothing but support here.
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:44 PM
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Oh he's STILL trying to pull me in. He actually said to me today when I (again) refused to give in, "I'm going out this weekend and I'm gonna get **** because I'm tired of the past 13 years of suck ****"
That's just fine with me. I told him to knock himself out, I don't care. And I don't. I don't think that was the reaction he was looking for. I honestly cannot give the man one more second of my concern. I have kids and myself to think about, and it's about time someone thought about us.
My thinking is more along the lines of....if you can't wait until after Christmas as we agreed to get your groove on....then you're worth far less to me than I thought. And I to you.
More power to ya.
Yes, I am clear in my mind (finally). I asked him/begged/pleaded with him for months to attend marriage counseling, he refused. Claimed if he did go, I would walk out the door in the first 5 minutes and the counselor would cry, cuz he has PLENTY to say. He says he doesn't *have* a drinking problem, that I have a problem. Maybe so. Maybe I do have a problem, and from where I'm sitting, his drinking, lack of emotion, and downright bad attitude, is my problem. I don't want to be someone's care giver. And I'm done with it. I don't care how he feels about it.
And thank YOU SO MUCH for the support, my friends, family, whoever, do NOT understand because 'he's basically a good guy'. But then, they don't have to live with him now do they?
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:49 PM
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"But then, they don't have to live with him now do they?"

Amen!
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Old 11-28-2011, 03:05 PM
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Amen! Sing it, sister!!! Heck - I'm going to flat out PRAISE you for putting you and your children first!!!!

No one else knows what it is like to live with that mentality. My ex really IS a sweet man but a total victim who has a major entitlement problem. NO ONE saw it from my side...only from the sweet "aw-shucks" side, the good-old-boy-just-partying-with-his-friends side. And much of that was because I managed to hold the cardboard cutout of Perfect Family up for so long, that they didn't have to. They didn't see the binge drinking, Rx drug using, lying, neglect of family and children, money pilfering, golf/fishing/vehicle addiction. They didn't have to wonder constantly what kind of marital-trust-loophole he had found and was exploiting. THEY don't know. And like Dolly said, THEY didn't have to live with it. Let THEM take him in. THEY will see.

I'll tell you what, though, give it time. Now that the facade is gone, other people will see what you have been dealing with for years. I talked with my best friend the other day, whose husband has been a lifelong friend of my ex, and she said "We are done with the pity-party, Stace. How did you live with this for so long??" And that was my best friend of 15 years who heard my tears, heartache, misery...no one knew until his protective film was lifted.
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Old 12-04-2011, 06:29 AM
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Well it's official, I really AM an idiot.
I was so excited about a new life until my AH told our 10 year old. Of course our 10 year old had a meltdown. I don't know why he told him, we had agreed to wait until after Christmas before he moved out.
Anyway, this led to me agreeing to give him ONE more chance. We spent a few hours talking about things, he promised...blah blah blah.
So as is tradition in my house, I started to work on the Christmas display outside. This is a huge deal in my neighborhood, we have a competition and I am reigning champ. I wasn't really *into* it this year but the kids insisted (actually my 15 yr old daughter told me if I didn't she was making an appointment at the doctor for me) so I relented and started hanging lights etc. So I get the ladder, the C-9's, the zip ties.....everything. And I'm putting the ladder against the house and am climbing to the roof when I climb halfway up and see my husband through the living room window...sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand.
I don't know why but this enraged me. I mean totally sent me into a rage internally. It was then, on the ladder, that I realized that no matter what I do, no matter how long I try, no matter what he does...things are never going to be any different.
There is something seriously wrong with a woman climbing onto her roof and hanging Christmas lights while her husband enjoys a beer in the warm house while watching ESPN. And now, I don't feel so guilty. I'm sure I will have moments of guilt, but honestly, the view from the window was all I need to remind me.
I can't do it anymore. I just can't. However, I did learn something from my final and desperate attempt at keeping my family together.
Don't tell him he's leaving until you have his bags packed.
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Old 12-04-2011, 06:53 AM
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Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are your childrens voice, their future. It is not in their best interest to live with an A. They are young, they will not understand today, however, as an adult they will, make the right decision for them.
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Old 12-04-2011, 10:01 AM
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To me, that moment on the Ladder-it was meant to show you something. I feel he used your child against you, to get what he wanted-really dirty trick that he hoped would work. But something intervened & showed you the truth. Sending you lots of positive thoughts for your journey ahead, in which he unwittingly helped you. Your kids will realize it too, when they are older. (((hugs)))
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Old 12-04-2011, 10:10 AM
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The loneliest I've ever been in life was while living with a man I no longer loved or trusted.
I feel your strength: you know what to do and are doing it. Talk is cheap: actions speak much louder than words.
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Old 12-05-2011, 10:02 AM
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Wow, sometimes it is amazing how much alot of our stories are the same, I am 14 days out from the initial filing of the divorce (in our state we have to wait 90 days for it to be officially filed). I myself keep thinking, is this right, is this wrong. He has not drank since August but I have been down the road to many times, and he keeps going back. Of course right now he is mister sweet and do what I can, but yet it isn't making a huge difference for me. Its like, well that's great, but it is to late! Thank you so much for posting about your conflicting feelings and all those whom shared too. It makes me feel much stronger about my decision and knowing that it is normal!

Thanks all!
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