Guess I am just pissy...
 

I don't feel upset.

I just keep thinking:

I see why alanon-ers don't sit around discussing their A's.

Because, today, I just want to say to every single person with A related issues, complaints, cries:

GET THE FREAK OUT.

Then he won't treat you this way. Then he won't bother you.

YOU know he's an *ss who treats you like crap and you let him.

Then you come on here and say:

How dare he?

What is he thinking?

How do I change him?

I never hear:

I don't deserve this and I am done. Help me on my journey.

Sorry.

I have felt your pain, but I never stood and complained about it. Even to my friends.

When I had enough, I left.

So I don't get the whining...............:horse:horse

I think we all process things in our own way and time. I think although the A's are all similar they are also very different. Some are oboxious when drunk, some jsut fall down and pass out. Others can be verbally abusive and some can be physically abusive. You just never know what someone else is dealing with. Depending on what you are dealing with can decide how quickly you exit. It is ok to get pissy, we all can at times.

Talking out my thoughts helps me. My thoughts may not make a lick of sense to some or even most of the people reading here. But talking it out helps me on my journey. I do not like a little cheese with my whine. :lmao

Just as they (I) have chose to post what was on my heart (as u view as complaining) U have a choice not to read it!

I had felt like I was all alone and had caused much of what I endured until I told my story and read other post.Then I realized it was happening to others and I was not alone.To some this is the only place to reach out.

I am grateful for what I have read on every single post.

I don't read them all the way through.

But it is unavoidable to not read some of it in order to find out what the post is about.

I read the first couple of lines, or first paragraph and stop if it relates to this.

I did not personally attack you. To be honest, I don't even know what post you are referencing when you say you posted your heart.

I am directly referring to posts where they are in shock that the A they are dealing with has said something mean/stupid... This is normal A behavior. We all know they are selfish, and that results in unkind behavior. Physical or mental.

We have all read that mental is much worse because it is longer lasting than physical.

I was married to an abusive A for 2 years. Not once did I voice my unhappiness, or, for that matter go online and question why he did what he did, nor did I tell everyone how ugly he was to me.

Why did I not?

Because I knew that I chose to stay. Rational or not. It was my choice.

If I were my own friend, and I told stories of what an A he is or how mean he speaks, how selfish he is..., I would say to myself, Why are you there?

Then I would have to answer myself.

So again it all comes back to:

I am with an A. Normal A behavior is unkind and selfish. I have chosen to live with this. What good does it do to voice it?

I guess I did not want to answer my own questions.

You know when I did start talking about it?

When I knew I had to find a way to stay away. That is when I started talking. I came to find a way to give me the strength to stay away from a bad situation.

I knew, without delving into me and why I am allowing such things, I would always stay or wind up again in situations like that.

When I needed help to change me, that is when I started talking about it.

I came to ask other people what helped them overcome these things.

I came to change me.

Anyone who has spent anytime reading on this site, knows how A's behave. So why go around in circles about it?

My goal is to move forward, not go back where I started. I just don't get post after post of see what he did now.
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I wish you well.

I think everyone's personal journey includes a lot of circles instead of one straight line from A to Z. Yours may have been straighter than others. And that's awesome! But to expect others' to have the same experience and thoughts you did is having an unrealistic expectation.

Sometimes venting is a part of the learning process...the first steps to detachment. Trying to make sense of the nonsensical. Expressing your hurts and frustrations. For many here...this is the first place they come to that actually opens the floodgates of secrecy and shame they have been living with. Anger, embarrassment, fear.

Often, it is this very first step of sharing their horrid experiences that opens the mind and spirit to another way of living.

You are in a pissy mood!

Yeah it is hard to see others complain and "whine" if they aren't willing to do anything about it. It was one of my chief complaints with AH. And then of course the codie in me just looked for ways to fix things for him.

But for me its a cry in the dark out of frustration, and being incredulous at some of his actions and words. And of course it helps to know that what I am experiencing is not unique. And a little of the "there are worse cases out there" too.

I don't live with my AH. His choice-not mine. But I'm learning to live a full life focusing on myself and lots of other things besides HIM.

I wish it were easier for me to let go. You sound like you have been able to. I imagine that once you get to that place of clarity it is hard to see why others don't get it.

We all need a can of whoop a** once in a while.

Thanks for confirming that.

I kind of felt that might be the case, but needed some clarity there!

LOL'

I'm glad you've got it all tied up, over and done with, and did your best at all times, did what you knew was right for you, Passionfruit! You sound proud that you didn't talk with anyone, and so that is obviously the right path for you.

Others have a different path. Their path may be a violation of your personal values; it sounds to me, like they are. I'm not who I am to live in accordance with your personal values. I am who I am to live in accordance with my own.

We snowflakes are each created to be different.

I wish you well, too!

Everyone's experience is different. Perhaps you are a stronger person than some. Perhaps you are more capable of seeing things in black and white, whereas others of us see the gray. You have been with him for two years; some of us have decades, with a much longer and intense relationship. Many have not worked outside of the home and have no outside job experience. Many have small children which they need to put first and foremost.

Many of us work things through by speaking about small details. But one person's small details can be another's catastrophic event.

Many need to work through the various phases of denial, grief and then acceptance in their own time and way. For most it takes years.

Everyone is different and deals with this difficult situation in their own unique way --- but none of their ways are "wrong." Just different than yours.

Be thankful that you can so easily see the path that you need to take. You are the exception.

The best gift you can give is to be compassionate and accepting of the fact that we are each our own individuals and dealing with our situations to the best of our ability.

I don't, by any means, have it all tied up. I am a logical person.

I struggled many days to not cave into him. As a matter of fact, today, the decision was made to go ahead with a divorce.

Sheer panic set in for a bit. I'll go into detail in a new thread, me thinks.

My point is I made a decision and found tools to help me get through the hard spots.

Believe me, there were hard spots. Today, even. It would have been SO EASY for me to simply go back.

If I were ever to go back, I would own my choice and live with it.

I don't think I am proud I didn't talk. I think I owned my choice.

I guess in my mind, it is akin to stabbing myself in the foot intentionally and calling my kinfolk: ''I stabbed myself in the foot. It hurts.'' Then next week stabbing myself in hand. Again calling the kinfolks: "I stabbed myself in the hand. It hurts."

It stands to reason, at some point somebody's gonna tell me to stop stabbing myself silly.:c029:
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Honestly, some values are just common sense, personal or not.
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anyhoo................

today! congratulations on making the decision this day. :)

Hi Passionfruit!

I remember when I first read your story. It seemed as though you knew exactly the full extent of your situation but had chosen to remain. It seemed like an alarming decision to make, IMHO, but it was yours to make.

So are you mad now because you kept going back and getting a knife stuck through your foot and didn't do anything about it until recently?

Are you mad that other people had the same attitude with you that you now have with others now (i.e. "Why don't you stop talking about it and get the h.e.double toothpicks out?").

I'm not sure we can help you stop the world from complaining about these sorts of things. Each person has a right to make decisions about their own lives without our input unless we are asked for it.

And....it does sound as if you feel you have achieved some superior level of behavior by remaining in an abusive relationship of your own free will and not complaining about it. I think many women stay in abusive relationships, don't complain about it, and even defend their abuser. Many of these women cannot admit to themselves that they are being abused or see no way out. Many of these women die as a result.

Is it better that you KNEW you were being abused, KNEW what you needed to do to escape, and yet chose to remain for your own personal reasons?

I'm very, very glad to hear that you are moving forward with your life. I wish you every success, peace, and joy! I hope that this anger is something that you will be able to release for your own sake.

Hugs and prayers, HG

When you point a finger at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself.

Maybe figuring out why it triggers so much anger in you that others sometimes take longer than you did to recover from codependancy, and the effects of living with alcoholism. Maybe Al anon?

I hope you're feeling better soon.

This thread makes me smile a little because I see myself in it. :)

Once I finally "saw the light," I had a hard time understanding why others couldn't see it too. I got annoyed at people who spent their time constantly complaining about the A in their life, but never doing anything to move forward. And, although I spent a lot of time complaining about my A (not on SR, but to friends and family) I wasn't ready to move until I was ready.

Yeah, I still get annoyed with the complainers. But I know that's my problem, not theirs. Heck, if they choose to stay and complain, it's their choice. I already know there's something better out there, they don't know it yet. It's my codie "save the world" issue. If only I could. *sigh*

L

i guess my question is: if you have it all worked out, then why are you still posting or reading through threads?

the purpose of this forum is for people to find strength in their decisions, right? and it is AWESOME you finally feel empowered and have seen the light in your decisions.

i just think that maybe you came here and found strength by having people tell you over and over again whatever it is you had not known... but maybe, some people also find strength by just getting repeated validations of what is already logically known (yes, stabbing yourself hurts... yes, stabbing yourself hurts... etc).

personally, if/when i do write a complaint about an A behavior that is obvious... it's not nearly so much that i want to go back to him (even if it is written in that point of view from a hurt emotion)... it's more like, yes--reading everyone's responses reminds me that i am not alone... that this stuff IS alcoholic behavior... (yes, even in those behaviors that are clearly stamped "alcoholic behavior"--it is still nice to get validation)

if you remember, all of us came from a place that was VERY isolated--we all got to a place in our relationships where we weren't in reality and were living in the delusional world of alcoholism. we argued and argued with our As with all of the logic the world could offer and they'd still twist things around to fit their point of view (and yes, we all fell for it--otherwise, then none of us would have hung on and needed to seek SR). i think i find strength to keep re-affirming my decision to move forward when i get reminded that what i experienced is a tried and true set experience. it is like FINALLY i am getting validated that what i think is so messed up isn't something that i just think is messed up--other people think it too! FINALLY that validation i was fighting with my A for! My voice and opinion and feelings are being heard!

i get the STRENGTH realizing this burden wasn't just mine to carry. it wasn't some unnatural event that is personal only to me (if it were--no one would have the strength to carry that burden alone)

I think this thread gives us all the perfect opportunity to practice detachment.

:c031:

The difference between me and those who are not codependent is that they clearly recognize the danger and step away. I, on the other hand, feel drawn like a moth to the flame to step in and try to help/fix/change the problem and make everything better.

Just like an alcoholic can see the harm booze is doing and yet cannot stop without help, I needed help too to be able to deal with my life in a healthy, rational manner.

If we all saw things clearly and did the right thing, not one of us would need to be here.

Until that happens, please save me a seat front row centre, because I need to be reminded every day what it is that keeps me balanced.

Hugs

P.S. Don't worry, I had lots of pissy mood days. They got fewer as I grew in my recovery.

Are you unhappy that you couldn't help the kids sleeping on your couch because you realized that: THEY ARE WHERE THEY WANT TO BE RIGHT NOW. but still seem to enable them by allowing them to eat, shower and sleep over occasionally.
And your "pissy mood" post was more about them?

When I get in a pissy mood about whining (unwilling to change circumstance/attitude), it's always because I'm fighting the urge to control.

I'm with Tuffgirl; detach, detach, detach. By the way, Tuffgirl, your sig played a huge part in an aha! moment I had. Thank you, and it really sums up the whole recovery process, too :)

I think, largely, once we get to that point -- we don't need the help as badly and we're out DOING instead of talking about it. :)

Or maybe most people do not feel they are with an "A" but feel they are with their husband/wife/lover. The person who they fell in love with. The person who gradually but suddenly became someone else, someone they don't (always) recognise. I doubt one single person came into their relationship thinking, "ooh I know, I'll get involved with a complete jerk who will be horrible to me until I feel compelled to share my woe over and over while keeping on letting him treat me like a pile of poo."

They fell in love with someone who seemed wonderful and over time that person became a nasty addict. They stay because a) the person they love is clearly in distress and they want to help them, and b) they desperately want him/her to get better so they can go back to how things were/how they think things could be.

That may or may not be possible for each particular person. Some (like me) will get what they wanted out of staying, others (like you) will change their goals and move on and sadly others will never give up but never get what they want either. And along the way each and every person, at each and every stage should feel free to share their feelings without being attacked for it, they have their own journey and deserve support on it, because no matter what you choose, or what the outcome, it's a damn rough ride.

I love the irony of this thread. Whining about whining. LOL!

((((hugs)))) to all who posted here. We are the walking wounded.

Take what you want, leave the rest.

Actually, when I came here I had just left my AH. I moved completely out of the house into my own place taking all my things with me.

I NEVER went back to live with him.

I spent the next 2.5 months giving him a behavior modification opportunity. I reinforced the positive behavior with staying and spending time with him. I responded to the negative by leaving everytime he was ugly.

I set my boundaries and stuck to them, even if when I didn't want to.

I felt that I had been more than fair by giving him those couple of months to attempt real change. He chose not to and I went no contact for the next 2.5

I did not break that until yesterday when I spoke to him about filing for divorce.

So I am not sure how you figure I kept going back and getting stabbed.

That simply was not the case.

I made a plan of action and saw it through.

.As far as knowing I was abused. That was not the case. I fought back tooth and nail only to lose those battles big time. Those incidents were all because I was not going to take the way he treated me. When he was out of line. I always called him on it.

He didn't take too kindly to that.

I do not see myself as a victim, much less abused.

why did I stay 2 years? I did everything within my power to make that marriage work. I succombed when I should have not. I tolerated more from him than I had from any man ever.

I have only been married 2x in my life.

once for 15 years. Then spent 12 years single. Turned down numerous men and many marriage proposals in that time. I never intended to marry 2x. I had vowed to God at a very young age to never marry twice, much less divorce 2x. so I had to do everything i could to make it work. I gave it my best shot. That was all I could do. When it became too much. I left. God will forgive me.
.Anyway the point is I made my choice and did not cry about it. period.

I attend alanon once a week at least and have for the last 5 months or so.

We never sit around talking about what our A's did to us today.
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That's a beautiful thing!

I actively attempt to move the A's obnoxious behavior out of my thoughts and words every single day. I think words do have power, so it is an excellent practice to use those words in a more positive way.

It is nice, however, to have an outlet like here or in an Al-anon meeting where I can freely express my feelings if there is something bothering me. Sometimes it is the ABF who bothers me, so I like it that I can talk about that if I need to.

If I don't talk about it from time to time, I find myself 'stuffing' my feelings, and that's what got me to the sick point I've been.

But you're right, I'm designing my life to the level that ABF and his behavior is not a factor in any of my days.

guess you missed this post huh?

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I came here because I made the decision to change. plain and simple. i needed tools to do so and recognized that as such.

People gave me suggested books and websites and lots of other tools which I promptly devoured, digested, and put into action.

When I felt weak, I came on here and said so. people responded. When i was struggling with a concept or struggling with a change I needed to make or understand, I came on here and said so. People gave me tools to help myself. I USED THEM.

I stay because I have much to learn and the tools hidden within the brains behind the screens have barely been tapped.

This is a utopian wellspring of self help knowledge that I can't drink from if I am not here.

I have clearly moved forward and intend to go as far as the eye can see and beyond.

I like that Skipperling...you are "designing" your life.

I haven't analyzed any recent whine posts but I do think that the average "whine" is more about the choices we did not make; the things we cannot control that can be very painful. As you choose to give it your all, so many others do the same. It is not easy to see the forest through the trees when the whole picture is not understood. This site, al-anon, counselors and the like help to bring the whole picture into focus. I remember whining many, many years ago. I was looking for answers that I wish I found then (e.g. dry drunk behaviors that were learned...and not from being alcoholic on both of our parts)! My husband was a social drinker that turned alcoholic after many, many years. We all come from a huge variety of circumstances.