Why Does He Do That? All Chapters
 

There is just so much I want to say...I'm struggling to summarise the chapter because every single word is important to me! So I'm just going to write a little bit about each chapter as an intro and hope the 'message' comes out in the discussion.

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Mystery.

Each chapter starts with some quotes:

He's two different people. I feel like I'm living with DR Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

He really doesn't mean to hurt me. He just loses control

Everyone else thinks he's great. I don't know what it is about me that sets him off.

He's fine when he's sober. But when he's drunk, watch out.

I feel like he's never happy with anything I do.

He's scared me a few times, but he never touches the children. He's a great father.

He calls me disgusting names and then an hour later he wants sex. I don't get it.

He messes up my mind sometimes.

The thing is, he really understands me.

Why does he do that?

This chapter provides some stark statistics (taken from 2002 when the book was published). Looking at purely physical violence, 2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the US. The US Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number one cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44. The American Medical Association reports that one woman out of three will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life.
More than one third of all female homicide victims in the US are killed by partners and ex partners per year.

“As alarming as this picture is...three are millions more women who have never been beaten but who live with repeated verbal assaults, humiliation, sexual coercion and other forms of psychological abuse…”

For a long time I didn't see the abuse in my relationship with XAH. It wasn't until I was free of him and reading here that I realised just what I had lived through!

The way Lundy describes the mental confusion of living with an abuser in this chapter scares and reassures me all at once. XAH could be sweet, kind and considerate. He could also be controlling and manipulative and I was never sure which he was being at any given time. He was 'only' physically violent a few times. It was the emotional and psychological abuse that I'm slowly coming to grips with. A lot of what he told me, a lot of what I believed, just isn't true...

A quote from the end of the chapter:
"The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can't control and intimidate you, he can't recruit people around him to take his side, he can't keep escaping the consequences of his actions unless he can throw everyone off track."

I wasn't going mad, I wasn't losing my mind, I wasn't stupid or forgetful or any of those things. As hard and as shameful as it is for me to admit to - I was being abused.

One of the things that stood out to me was the list of the symptoms of abuse.

• The escalating frequency of put-downs
• Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness
• Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way
• Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault
• His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does
• A mounting sense of fear and intimidation

That was XABF, totally and completely.
This section also made my blood run cold, because it took me right back to trying to talk to him, and trying to figure out if I was crazy:

At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he's in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, "I just can't seem to do anything right."

At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees.

These two sections were what I underlined the most in this chapter.
It made it difficult to remove myself from the situation, because the little lost puppy kept reappearing and saying how much he "needed me". He needed an enabler, but anyone one would do, and I happened to be the easiest, I know that now.
The symptoms of abuse snuck up on me, gradually over time, in such a way that I truly did believe it was my fault. I have been cleaning out my email, and have run across quite a few of my "apology letters" I sent to him, and I am sicked by the tone of self-hatred I put into them, and the begging and pleading for him to let me have "one more try" after doing something that met with his disapproval.

I am glad that the book keeps stressing that it is a gradual process, because looking back on what I survived, I wondered how I let myself get into that situation in the first place. I never will be "good enough" for him - but I am certainly good enough for myself, and I'm still getting better!

Thanks so much for posting this information on the first chapter of the book. I must get this book. I can so relate to the following symptoms you listed:
Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn't get his way
Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault

Just this afternoon I was told that I needed to watch my mouth after one of his verbal explosions. He then turned it around on me and said it was my negativity that caused his feedback! This was unfortunately in front of our granddaughter. After a few more arguments she overheard between us she looked at me and said, "you just need to tell him to listen to you". She's three and this made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I told her "sorry, honey, it wouldn't do any good because he never listens to me".

I don't want her to see this kind of behavior from a man so I found this very disturbing. Just one more good reason to leave my AH....funny how he gives me more reasons everyday.

Starcat, that whole page made me shiver. It was a gradual process and, just like his drinking, it kept escalating over time. I still can't get my head around how I managed to end up married to an abuser - I swore I would never tolerate the behaviour that my dad dished out. Hah.

I changed myself beyond all recognition for him. I thought if I could just say or do the right things he would be happy.


But abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behaviour or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.

I need to finally 'get' this, to remove all the blame on my shoulders that doesn't belong there. Progress not perfection!

Hi BW,

I too have repeated the "attraction" to this pattern with men on a continuum. I am reading the ACA book and am understanding that we simply repeat what we learn. You (like myself and others) saw the obvious wrongs in behavior of a parent and were determined not to repeat those behaviors. However, without the coaching of a different model for relating to self, others, and the world we have limited options. The signs are soft in the beginning of a romantic relationship because those are the rules - win them over and then wham suddenly be your (ugly) self. Confusion#1

The second factor we struggle with is the comfort level adopted by living with bad behavior - we see it, know it, but are used to it. We learn to tolerate in order to survive and that doesn't go away over night. We don't like it, may be afraid of it, but we can tolerate it. Sounds sick but it the way things work. So you have to work to extricate yourself and slowly decrease your tolerance and increase your comfort level with unfamiliar behaviors. I remember telling myself that I understood his feelings based on his childhood. Then I told myself he was having a bad day or week - we all have them. Then, it was the alcohol talking. EVen with therapy, "it takes time".

Excuses just showed my tolerance and comfort level for behavior that most "normals" wouldn't tolerate. When I understood that one - it got easier to say excuses don't change the behavior - choices do.

So when reading, be kind to yourself, be patient, you already started to make a better life for yourself by taking the first step. Horray! for anyone doing this.

Why Does He Do That - Chapter 2
 

Instead of starting a new thread per chapter, I'll just keep adding them on here when I have the time - makes it easier for me to find them again!

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Mythology.

He's crazy

He feels so bad about himself. I just need to build up his self image a little.

He just loses it.

He's so insecure

His mother abused him, and now he has a grudge against women and he takes it out on me.

I'm so confused. I don't understand what's going on with him.

This chapter debunks the common myths about abusers:

1. He was abused as a child.
2. His previous partner hurt him.
3. He abuses those he loves the most.
4. He holds in his feelings too much.
5. He has an aggressive personality.
6. He loses control.
7. He is too angry.
8. He is mentally ill.
9. He hates women.
10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
11. He has low self esteem.
12. His boss mistreats him.
13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
14. There are as many abusive women as there are abusive men.
15. His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner.
16. He is a victim of racism.
17. He abuses alcohol or drugs.

Bring on the mythbusters!

This chapter was such a huge eye-opener for me. XAH used a number of these myths with me - and I believed them.

The biggest one, for me, was that he 'just lost control'. Lundy punctures this one well. If he lost all control why am I still alive? Why didn't he do worse things than he did? He was still under control. He just gave himself the green light to go ahead and go on the rampage. "the abuser's problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his partner is justifiable." Some of the examples in the book are chilling in their calculation. But then I remembered the reptilian look XAH would sometimes get before trying to hurt me. I think I can see him working it out in his head what he was going to do next...

I also believed the low self esteem myth. I tried to encourage him. To make him feel better. I even got married to reassure him (I was quite happy living together and didn't really want to get married!). It just made him worse. One point that was well made. My self esteem is very low, squashed by XAH's bullying. But guess what? I haven't suddenly turned into an explosive and bullying person!

And of course, I believed that he was only like that because of the alcohol. As has already been stated elsewhere, if you take the alcohol out of a drunken horse thief, you still end up with a horse thief...

Key points from the chapter are listed at the end:

An abusive man's emotional problems do not cause his abusiveness. You can't change him by figuring out what is bothering him, helping him feel better or improving the dynamics of your relationship.

Feelings do not govern abusive or controlling behaviour: beliefs; values and habits are the driving forces.

The reasons that an abusive man gives for his behaviour are simply excuses. There is no way to overcome a problem with abusiveness by focussing on tangents such as self esteem, conflict resolution, anger management or impulse control. Abusiveness is resolved by dealing with abusiveness.

Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your partner's abuse problem is his own.

I really, really wish I had read this book years earlier. I wasted so much time trying to 'help' XAH. He really had me where he wanted me! The drivers behind abuse - thought patterns rather than feeling - has helped me make sense of some of what happened. XAH used much more forethought that I ever though.

This chapter also speaks volumes to me about growing up in an abusive house. My dad was abusive because he was abusive. It had nothing to do with how good or bad I was. Whether I was unlovable, horrible, difficult and less than perfect. This, for me, is HUGE.


And I've just about typed enough for one night!

This is one of the lines I've underlined, highlighted and flagged; I go back and read it often to remind myself that it wasn't my fault. It's amazing but I still catch myself believing that if I'd tried just a little harder to communicate with XAH, that our relationship wouldn't have been what it was.

It's astoundingly hard to move beyond that belief.

I'm sitting here with a very wry smile on my face. Holy cow. I was still believing this one.

Here are the main myths that caught me and the mythbusting in his case:

He holds in his feelings too much. - When I tried to tell his sister what our relationship was like, she basically waived my concerns off and told me "Yeah, he's always bottled up and pushed down his feelings too much." So his family perpetuated this one too.
Busting: My dad is fairly quiet about his feelings, but he never withheld his affection as punishment (or otherwise) and he was never abusive.

He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment. - This one made so much sense to me, because it seemed like every step I took towards him, the more steps he took back.
Busting: Hmmmm. Not sure how to bust this one in XAH’s case, other than to say, not every one who is afraid of getting close to some one, decides to scare the sh-t out of the person they don’t want to get close to; some people walk away.

He has low self esteem. – He was forever telling me how the school system mistreated him and put him in ‘special’ classes because he was dyslexic and they didn’t understand. Or that he grew so fast and so tall that he was clumsy and every one made fun of him. So he’s always felt really bad about himself. He was also always telling me that I deserved some one better than him and he was sorry he was not better at x, y, z. So I completely thought, “Well, if I just boost him up and tell him how amazing he is, he’ll no longer feel bad and won’t take it out on me.” Thing is, none of the ego strokes that I gave him were ever enough. His pleasure in being thought well of never kept him from being mean and intimidating for long.
Busting: He went around saying “They think I’m god.” “I’m the best f-ing player/worker/etc. they have and this is how they treat me.” Yeah, he’s a delicate flower.

His boss mistreats him. – He’s still pulling this one. One year while we were still together, he had 3 jobs in the space of a couple months; more recently he’s had 6 jobs in less than a year. It was always: “They disrespected me.” “They didn’t want me to do this part of the job even though I can, so they punished me for working hard.” “They didn’t have enough hours for me.”
Busting: He went to work hung over. He went to work still drunk. He lost his temper and walked off the job. He’d injure himself while at work because he was hung over or still drunk. I’m pretty sure those paid a very large part in losing the jobs; and I’m pretty sure employers will have a problem with any employee who does this, not just XAH.

He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution. – Yep, I remember thinking “Oh, if only he knew how to communicate how he’s feeling or learn how to ‘fight fair’ he wouldn’t resort to treating me this way.” (intimidation, threats, etc.) I even went to a counselor to learn how to communicate with him.
Busting: He knows how to fight fair. I’ve seen him disagree with his coaches, his bosses, others in a reasonable manner. He just chooses not to with me.

He abuses alcohol or drugs. – Yep. I left him because of his drinking and completely thought that once he stopped drinking, he’d also stop being abusive.
Busting: He got worse, much worse, when he stopped drinking.

Thankyou so much for this thread!
I can relate to everything you all are saying. Here I was shell shocked because I'm just waking up to the fact that I can not go on with my AH because of his drinking, and now after reading this I'm realizing that not nly is he abusive,,,,,(I thought I had that one covered cause I left my first husband no problem for that)
But also my GA father was abusive in almost exactly the same way. Sure I knew all the terrible thingns he did to me lie, steal etc. But I had never realized until just now that he was just as abusive to me (my whole life) (I haven't spokn to him in 2 yrs) as my AH is.

Wow I have been abused for 40 yrs.! How utterly terrifying, and cathartic at the same time.

Thank you You have all given me a lot to chew on tonight.

Alright, I underlined a lot in this chapter... It really spoke to me, and helped me understand so many things.

A couple things that struck me:

He holds in his feelings too much
They have an exaggerated idea of how important their feelings are, and they talk about their feelings - and act them out - all the time, until their partners and children are exhausted from hearing about it all. Am abuser's emotions are as likely to be too big as too small. They can fill up the whole house. When he feels bad, he thinks that life should stop for everyone else in the family until someone fixes his discomfort. His partner's life crises, the children's sicknesses, meals, birthdays - nothing else matters as much as his feelings.
It is not HIS feelings the abuser is too distant from; it is his PARTNER's feelings.

Yes! I even wrote a lot in the margin on this page, especially:
His feelings > my feelings
His wants > my needs

Everything was always about him, and when I did not act sufficiently upset by something, he accused me of not understanding empathy or sympathy and not caring whether he lived or died. Never mind that he was an emotional wreck because his manager typed "u" instead of "you" in an email.


He has a violent, explosive personality
The main note I made in this section:
Movies - uneducated drunks
Reality - "Count Dracula," suave
It's true, too... Movies portray things like this as obvious, whereas the truth of the situation is that an abusive man is a suave gentleman... Until he decides to suck you dry, that is.

I also remember asking the psychologist at work if it was possible for someone to be a codependent and a narcissist. I asked because XABF was always taking things for granted when it came to those close to him, but would completely inconvenience himself to help a total stranger. The closer I got to him emotionally, the less he offered to me, and the more he demanded from me. Until I got close, I had no idea he was capable of all these things.


He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment
This one spoke to me a lot. I learned that in XABF's case, he can only have a close relationship with one person at a time, and he spends 100% of his time obsessing over that person, and expects that person to do the same.
I told him while he was in rehab that I needed distance, and a chance to rediscover myself, and that when he got out we needed to take things slow to rebuild each other individually first, then work on the relationship afterwards.
In return, he called me incessantly, and proposed to me while in rehab.
I felt very manipulated and controlled the whole time he was in rehab, despite multiple requests to the facility to prevent the phone calls as well.


He suffers from low self-esteem.
I highlighted and starred the paragraph multiple times:

The self-esteem myth is rewarding for an abuser, because it gets his partner, his therapist, and others to cater to him emotionally. Imagine the privileges an abusive man may acquire: getting his own way most of the time, having his partner bend over backward to keep him happy so he won't explode, getting to behave as he pleases, and then on top of it all, he gets PRAISE for what a good person he is, and everyone is trying to help HIM feel better about himself!

Man, oh man, no wonder me trying to talk things out with him didn't work.
He got too many perks the old way, why would he want to change?


Poor communication
XABF was a great communicator. He convinced site managers to do things he said simply because he announced it was the right thing to do, and got them to stop working on pet projects simply because he announced they wouldn't work. Someone who wields power like that at work certainly doesn't have poor communication skills.


Also, something that meant a lot to me:
And you are not "enabling" your partner to mistreat you; he is entirely responsible for his own actions.
This point was REALLY important to me.


Past my bedtime, so that's all I've got to say for the moment.
Thank you for running this thread, bookwyrm!

Theuncertainty - were we married to the same man??

Starlight - I get it too! I thought I was reading about XAH. All it took was a slight refocus and I was reading about my dad! It was a bit like looking at one of those pictures where it's a duck one way and a face another. Have I EVER had a close, non-abusive relationship with a man?

Starcat - I could have written about this chapter all night too. I believed my dad is a narcissist but after reading this chapter he really is just an abusive man.

Thanks for joining in! It's a horrible 'club' to be part of but it is good to see that I'm not alone. That is wasn't just me.

ok as soon as I finish my essay, I'm getting this book. I've been trying to stay away from your thread bookwyrm, because it felt too painful to read. I think it's time I jumped in.

Has anyone experienced a transformation in status in the eyes of their abuser?

I did. At first, I was "different than all the others" because I "was faithful and cared". That was when my codieness had me completely besotted and devoted to him. He was my sun and my moon. Eventually though, time passed by and he started to find reasons to blame me, belittle and berate me. If I didn't tell him every single detail about my day, I became a liar. When I went on film shoots or auditions and had to have any kind of physical contact with another male, I was unfaithful. And of course, when I stripped 5 nights a week to support him and his son, I was a *****. At that point, I was "just like all the others", untrustworthy, a liar and a *****. Every perceived offense gave him justification to feel superior to me and thus to punish me.

Ah the memories....

Yes! This is my "relationship" with XABF, right here.
I was perfect, his "Angel," the only person in the world who understood him.
Until finally I apparently wanted him to die, which was okay with him because he was dying anyway, since I couldn't take care of him, and why didn't I answer the phone when he called 20 times in a 30-second timeframe, and I ruined his whole day because I took the stairs instead of the elevator, and, and, and...


I am currently cleaning out my email, and looking at what I was writing even then, there were warning signs. I mean, look at this email I wrote to him, for example?
I remember this meeting. My 2nd level manager wanted to convince me to join a special program at work that I didn't want to join, and he was so forceful trying to get me to give the answer he wanted me to give, and wasn't listening at all that I finally announced "This meeting is over," left his office, and broke down in tears when I was safely away. And XABF snapped because I got upset, and that made him really upset, and how dare I get him upset.

My emotions were supposed to be extensions of his, and heaven forbid I have emotions myself without being prompted.

Gah. Excuse me while I go throw up. I thought this was NORMAL?????

oh boy Starcat...I think I wrote MANY similar emails, promising to be a better woman for him, to live up to his expectations, not to hurt him *anymore*, etc etc. And I REALLY did try to be better, to earn his approval/respect, and of course, I ALWAYS fell short. I was never good enough, faithful enough, honest enough, horny enough, tolerant enough, supportive enough, protective enough...ARG!

Brilliant thread. Need to go back and see if I have anything to add when I've digested what has already been written.

My first thought when I read it through was it really is not about the drink. I think that's why I sometimes get frustrated at threads that focus on the how, why and where of the drinking (and have learnt not to post on them really). In the vast majority of situations on here it is such a red herring.

Thanks for the thread - i think it will be a great resource.


ETA: re the threads on drinking. I understand why they are written and totally get why someone would go down that route as my thinking was the same. I see now that it is such a waste of time. Wasn't flaming anyone in that place at all.

I wrote millions!
The part that sickens me, is that this one I wrote only two months into the relationship! And here I was thinking it only happened in the last year or so.

Gag me with a spoon.

Don't feel sickened! I think it's common to get swept up in the early passion and to make grand gesture of self-sacrifice for the new partner. I met XAH in...May, he "broke up" with his then-wife (babymama #3) by June/July, and by September, he was living with me and I was supporting him and his son. He jumped ship from one enabler to another. Pretty smart, huh?

I was surprised to read how the author describes "Jekyll and Hyde". I am no longer surprised when someone here mentions it, seems a common trait, the split "personalities". But an author in a book about abuse? wow.

In my observations with XABF from afar I can say Hyde has taken over 100%. I think back of the person he was years ago, it has NOTHING to do with this one. And now I am convinced the toxicity is not because he is an alcoholic but because he is sick inside. Alcohol is just an extra monkey on his shoulders. And I see very clearly that I was equally sick not to have left at the very first red flag. Looking back, there were many.

I am so grateful I can see reality now and realize I was not insane. How incredibly stressful, not to know what to expect from a person. But now I realize I grew up this way, learning love was abandonment and always about someone else's wishes and convenience. How could I know how love was? I didn't learn it then. But I can relearn now.

I am done with the "venetian masks" game, I am worth more than constant gaslighting. And I am more than my own codependent tendencies.
(The only time I'll wear one is in Halloween because I think I might look cool :D )

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vxlXOO6DH6...on-display.jpg

Beliefssss
 

I could not grasp beliefs as a cause of abuse....made no sense........then I began to think back and remembered a story my AH told me half a dozen times:

AH: "Women stay with men who treat them like sh*t. I proved it to my friend T. My girl at the time was sitting in the next room reading. I got up and screamed at her, "Get off your fat a*s and get me something to eat." My girl got up and scurried about getting me something to eat. I turned to T and told him "See, I told ya." I proved my point right then."

This last week I said to AH, "you remember that story you told me about women stay with men who treat the badly? Has it occurred to you that maybe your believing that is the reason we have problems in our marriage?"

He came unglued. "I never treated you badly. You are my wife. You are on a pedestal. Other women are different."

I responded "It doesn't matter who the woman is, she deserves to be treated with respect."

He couldn't speak. When he did stupid sh*t came out.. More "beliefs" like Good guys lose and never get ahead.

I said you say you are not a loser and always get ahead....Does that mean you are not a good guy............

Needless to say we went around a while............

Why Does He Do That - Chapter 3
 

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Abusive Mentality

His attitude always seems to be: "You owe me".

He manages to twist everything around so that it's my fault.

I feel suffocated by him. He's trying to run my life.

Everyone seems to think he's the greatest guy in the world. I wish they could see the side of him that I have to live with.

He says he loves me so much. So why does he treat me like this?

Chronic mistreatment gets people to doubt themselves.

Reality 1: He's controlling.
This may be in different ways over a whole spectrum of extremities and covering different spheres of control:

• Arguments and decision making
• Personal freedom
• Parenting

Reality 2: He feels entitled.
The abusive man gives himself all kinds of rights (and reduces those of his partner and children). He claims:

• Physical caretaking
• Emotional caretaking
• Sexual caretaking
• Deference
• Freedom from accountability

"Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with his anger; he has a problem with your anger"

Reality 3: He twists things into their opposites
Why does he say that I am the one abusing him? The abuser's highly entitled perceptual system causes him to mentally reverse agression and self defence.

Reality 4: He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
Objectification is a critical reason why abusers get worse over time.

Reality 5: He confuses love and abuse
When an abusive man feels...what other people call love, he is probably largely feeling:

• The desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference
• The desire to have sexual access
• The desire to impress other by having you be his partner
• The desire to possess and control you

Reality 6: He is manipulative
Some signs of abusers to watch for:

• Changing his moods abruptly and frequently
• Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling
• Convincing you that what he wants you to do is what is best for you
• Getting you to feel sorry for him
• Getting you to blame yourself, or blame other people, for what he does
• Using confusing tactics in arguments
• Lying or misleading you about his actions, his desires or his reasons for doing certain things
• Getting you and the people you care about turned against each other

Reality 7: He strives to have a good public image.
If you are involved with an abusive man, you may spend a lot of your time trying to figure out what is wrong with you rather than what is wrong with him. If he gets on well with other people and impresses them with his generosity, sense of humour and friendliness, you may wind up wondering:"What is it about me that sets him off?"

Reality 8: He feels justified
The abusive man commonly believes he can blame his partner for anything that goes wrong, not just his abusiveness...Everything is someone else's fault and 'someone else' is usually her.

Reality 9: Abusers deny and minimise their abuse.
He denies his actions to close off discussion because he doesn't want to answer for what he did and perhaps even wants you to feel frustrated and crazy.

Reality 10: Abusers are possessive
'...these women are theirs'

Key points to remember:

Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement and the branches are control.

Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusers cannot change unless they overcome their disrespect toward their partners.

Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. However, even their less-conscious behaviours are driven by thei core attitudes.

Abusers are unwilling to be non-abusive, not unable. They do not want to give up their power and control.

You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.

This chapter, for me, was huge. The first 3 quotes at the start of the chapter hit home hard. I had no idea... I still struggle with the notion that he knew what he was doing.

Anyway, I won't be around till the weekend. I'm exhausted so I'll post more about this chapter and how I related to it then.

I lived through so much of this chapter. XAH blamed me for everything.

I remember, towards the end, he screamed in my face that I couldn't leave him - I 'owed' him since he didn't leave me when I first got depression and should stay until he said so.

I was so lost... Damn this is really hard to write about - really painful stuff. I thought he loved me. HE confused love with control. I thought he was looking out for both of us, he was just looking out for him and making sure I did what he wanted.

I believed I was a bitch. That there was something inherently wrong with me which is why I didn't have many friends. To be honest, though, this was first planted in my head by my father and XAH played on it, subtly, and kept me focused on him - AND I LET HIM.

How could I have lost myself? Why did I try and keep him happy when the more I did the more he wanted. He talked the equality talk but his actions didn't echo it.

He couldn't even let me make really simple decisions without trying to mess with my mind. For example, ordering take out I told him what I wanted. He questioned it, for some reason. Didn't I get that the last time? Wouldn't I like something different? How about this instead? All under the pretence that he was making sure I got what I really wanted! It was all about control. I see that now. But at the time I was confused and unsure and thought that maybe he did know better than me. I also thought he did this without realising it, that he was just trying to help. But it was a power game with him and I just didn't see it.

I still get angry with myself about this sometimes. I was with him 18 years. How could I have been so blind? But he was sneaky, subtle.

My dad's form of abuse was much more direct - I'm your father and I know best type of thing. His main thing was controlling my mum, using the kids as a means to an end. Although the more I think about it, he used my mum as a way of controlling us too. Damn. I never stood a chance did I?

I just wasn't prepared for XAH's type of knowing cunning. I was way too trusting and I doubt I will ever trust anyone so completely ever again. I still find it hard to grasp the sense of entitlement that goes with this mindset. I find it hard to accept he was an abuser, but he was. I find it difficult to believe just how much power I gave him over me without even realising it. It makes me scared to get close to anyone now.

Looking back at my childhood, I knew my dad was abusive to my mum, it's only now I realise just how abusive to me and, to a lesser extent, my brother he was. He blamed us for a lot and he too screamed in my face during my parent's breakup telling me the divorce was all my fault. It made me feel so guilty for feeling glad he was gone because my mum was so hurt, like it was my fault and I failed to protect her properly. Looking back at my childhood like this has put a whole different perspective on my life and I don't know what to do with it. I'm struggling a little here.

Anyway, enough about me. Can anyone out there empathise?

I love this book...I don't have a lot to say yet, other than the book allowed me to believe what I already knew...which is that I am NOT crazy...and that he is intentionally messing with my thoughts etc. I needed this understanding that the book has been able to give, that a friend or someone who had never been through it doesn't!! So glad to have SR and this thread!1

I disagree! He was not at all confused. He gained privleges from his control just like my AH did. In my case, he had a beautiful wife and home to come to. I took care of everything. He did not touch the house, the yard, nothing. Any problem with either, I made sure he was not bothered by. He was babied to the Nth degree! His clothes and shoes were waiting on him when he got out of the shower of a morning. I took his shoes off when he came home! He sat on the computer and drank. He laid on the couch and drank. When he was bored with me, he found little girls entertaining, watching them out the window (denying it of course), hitting on them everywhere we went. I watched my 50 year old husband hit on a 14 year old girl.

I was a b*tch. You better believe it! And will be again to anyone who treats me like that.





From "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson:
The symbiotic paradox helps to explain the tendency for many to become emotionally trapped within a relationship in which their partners repeatedly abandon them on either physical or emotional levels.
Symbiotic feelings (ones you experienced prenatally and during early infancy when you were in a state of oneness with your mother) are reactivated each time you experience a break in an important bond, even if it is with the same person over and over again. Your neediest fellings-the ones that leave you emotionally helpless-keep flooding your consciousness with primal urgencies. You feel-albeit temporarily-that you can't survive on your own. Each tear in you relationship arouses a new round of intense insecurity. The infant in you cries out to be held and loved-paradoxically, by the very same person who keeps betraying, deserting and abandoning you.

Judith Harris, author of The Nurture Assumption, states that abused children tend to reach out to the very person who abused them for comfort. The same is true in other species. According to Harris, a researcher who studied imprinting in ducks, when he accidentally stepped on the feet of a duckling that was imprinted on him, the duckling followed him more closely than ever.

Me too!







I read this book (Why Does He Do That?) a couple months ago and thought I could see him clearly then. To my own surprise, I really had no clue how manipulating and conniving he really was.

I watched over a months time as my AH set up a bond with a woman in an attempt to suck her in. It was truly a SET-UP. I watched in amazement as he preyed, truly preyed on her.

He selects women carefully, choosing those who believe they have some small flaw in themselves which they are clearly trying to overcome with make-up or dress. They tend to have a demeanor which shows just slightly some lack of self-esteem or distress. I have never seen him hit on a truly beautiful woman, ever.

Which leads to the obvious question: What vulnerability attracted him to me?

Here is how it went:

Week 1: We went to church. He notices this woman when we walk in. He watches her throughout the class. He makes it a point to make sure she knows he is noticing her. He makes eye contact numerous times with her. She is initially quiet and reserved, clearly distressed. As we left, she was crying. He watched her all the way out.

Week 2: Before church, he starts a fight with me over nothing. We go to church. She walks into the room. He starts being Mr. loving nice guy to me. Huh? What the h*ll? How dare you? Don't touch me, buddy, after the way you treated me this am.
In my mind, I am justified. She, however, sees a really nice guy with a b*tch of a wife. He acts hurt and vulnerable. He again watches her and makes repeated eye contact with her. She begins to reciprocate.

Week 3: We go into class and he is silent and sits unnoticed beside me. She walks in. All of a sudden he is Mr. funny guy in front of the whole class. She now sees his great sense of humor and laughs with him. She slowly makes her way toward us during meet and greet. When she gets near, he makes it a point to say Godly things like: "Honey, we should pray for that hurting couple to get back together." She sees him trying so hard to be a good Godly husband.

Slowly, but surely he is setting up circumstances to draw her near to him. She thinks she is attracted by his vulnerability and kindness. Not hardly.

There was no week 4 because I made it a point to introduce me and my AH to "Cheryl". I made sure to mention that I attend alanon meetings because my husband is an alcoholic. I also mentioned that because alanon uses the term "Higher Power" instead of Jesus Christ my AH insists that I am serving "two masters." Does she agree with him?

He cringed with every word that came out of my mouth. She literally could not get away from him fast enough.

He later tried to start a fight over some bs and I called him out.
"Tell my why your are really angry..Tell me..."
"Because, I can't flirt with women when you are around."
"I know that is true; but it is not the reason you are mad tonight."
He walks away.
I follow.
"You are mad because I exposed you. "Cheryl" now knows you are an alcoholic with warped thinking. She won't touch you with a 10 foot pole now, nor ever. I interfered with your plan."



Once you are privy to their tactics, it becomes easier and easier to see through them.

I told my AH: " I can see you now! I can really see you! No more magic tricks or secret cloaks to hide the real you!!"

:c022::c022::c022:

...thank you for writing this, and your description of how he preyed upon poor "Cheryl". This helps a lot!

I met XABF at work. I used to go in dressed in a way that convinced him I had no self-confidence - which was not as far from the truth as I wanted to believe.
I was also trying to work through some issues I had with my parents. He decided he would "help" me with this.


Is it okay if I am grinning from ear to ear because of this, now?


I started by typing out "a couple" quotes from the chapter that really struck me... But then I realized I was basically typing up the whole chapter, so I'll just type out how it made me feel.

XABF was all about how my feelings had to be an extension of his. If he was upset, I had to be more upset. If he was happy, I had to be happier. If he was completely freaked out over an insignificant incident and I wasn't reacting to it at all, I was "cold" and didn't know the meaning of the word "empathy."

He used to make all these rules, like "Never go to bed angry" - then pass out on my floor still screaming, "I'll take the blame even though it's all your fault," "I can't ask you to do anything, you'll take five hours to make a grilled cheese sandwich," "Forget it, you took too long!"

He'd get mad if I did not answer the phone immediately when he called ("I was only worried about your safety"), he'd complain when I wouldn't talk to him during an 'argument' when he's yelling obscenities at me, then get upset when I did try to talk (I called it his "I'm the only one allowed to talk - you're just supposed to agree with me!" complex).

He used to buy me silly, stupid, useless things - many of them expensive - but skip out on things I needed. Then when I wasn't up to his standards I'd get a speech about, "I did all the work to take you to restaurants, I decorated your apartment, I bought you all these things, why can't you just worry about me all the time?" Whenever I told him I needed space, he'd talk about how "You don't need me to help you anymore, so now you're leaving!"

His desires were more important than my needs. I'll never remember the one day he announced, "But I let you take a shower this morning!" Oh, yeah, thanks. I hadn't showered in two weeks, you take one twice a day, gee, you're so generous.

When he got really drunk, he'd force me to go to the XXX rated movie store, and pick out three movies to purchase, and explain to him loudly why I wanted them. I have no interest in those sorts of movies, so this usually resulted in another screaming match in the store, and him storming out after grabbing three off the shelf (usually $60 ones we couldn't afford - who spends $200 in a XXX movie store???). I don't know whether I was more embarrassed about being in the store, people overhearing the argument in the store, or being left behind in that store.

He would insist I spend 100% of my time with him, except at work. At work, he would call repeatedly if I did not immediately answer my phone - this would include while I was in meetings, which usually resulted in a giant slew of angry voicemail messages.
On weekends, he scheduled all our time as well, and evenings I was expected to watch his television shows with him. Then he would complain the chores were not done - and any attempt at me trying to ask when he expected them to be completed simply resulted in a lecture about how I take too long to do everything, and a list of all the people who were better than me at doing chores. He would complain if I wanted to stay home and do laundry, because he wanted to go out and buy more things for the apartment - and any attempt on my part to explain that he could do that while I was getting chores was shot down quite forcefully.

He frequently told me things like "I won't drink anymore, so my problem is solved. What are you going to do about all your problems? You really have a lot of work to do."
I remember sitting next to him in the car in the parking lot at work, he was yelling at me again. He yelled at me in that car so much, I am afraid of that car. I am afraid of cars that look like that car. I finally told him, "I am not listening to this verbal abuse any longer." He completely snapped out, followed me across the parking lot (I had jumped out of his car) yelling how I was really the abusive one, and I was making a fool out of him, and I need to get back in his car RIGHT NOW OR ELSE.

He would yell at me perpetually, and when I managed to hold in my temper and not react he would get worse until I did, then yell at me.

His drinking was always my fault. It was always about how "You should have reminded me how sick I feel after drinking alcohol. You're not assertive enough! You don't know how much influence you have over me!" Whenever he did something wrong, "The alcohol made me do it! Please, remember all the good things we've done together, and use that to keep from getting hurt when I'm yelling at you when I'm drunk." He was always blaming others, too, especially me. "Can't you see how much your parents upset me? You don't have any empathy for me." He was also always asking "Where are you???" even when we were both home. If he could not see me from where he was sitting, I had to announce what I was doing, or he would freak out.

Lastly, I felt like he never listened to me about anything. Now I realize that's not true - he listened a great deal, because that's how he determined how manipulative to me. When he was in rehab and I told him I needed distance, and time to work through things myself, he called me constantly. When I told him we needed to slow down, and actually start closer to the beginning so we could rebuild our relationship, he talked about how he was going to regain my trust, and would I please marry him. He saw me slipping away, and he tried to cling tighter.

I was smothered, and all the life was strangled out of me, and I didn't realize it until I read this book.


Sorry, I am rambling a lot, but this chapter really did a number on me when I read it.

Me too...