A much shorter chapter to break the hiatus with.

Not a lot of this related to me...I don't think anyway. As a couple we lived in an isolated bubble - things were kept very well hidden from the outside world. An us against them type of mentality. No one really came out and said anything to me - but I did change dramatically over the years. My mum would drop subtle hints here and there but I can only see them for what they are now, years later. I still sometimes wonder if I'm just over-reacting to everything in my life - XAH and my dad. I always doubt myself.

I'm a bit late in responding to chapter 10, but again, for some reason, I came to SR to think something through and this is the thread I click on first. Gotta love HP for pointing me in the right direction.

Chapter 10 is a horrible revisiting of my past with XAH and his son, my former DSS. I remember how much DSS adored and admired his father when I first met them. I used to think that it was because they had such a strong bond; reading this chapter makes me realize that it was because XAH abused his son and DSS, in response, sought to make his father happy any way he could. When I tried discussing his father's alcoholism with DSS, he didn't seem aware of it, even at the age of 12. Now I wonder if he wasn't just denying it in the hopes of keeping everything steady and happy. Like me, DSS knew to take the "deer in the headlights" pose whenever XAH got into a rage about something. He was also quite good at placating XAH and taking whatever verbal or psychological abuse he heaped on him, probably because it's the only way he knew of interacting with his dad. In the end, we became quite close in our common suffering of XAH's abuse, and it cuts me to the core to think about how I had to leave him behind when I ran away from XAH.

I clearly remember everything XAH did to undermine DSS' relationship with his mother. I never knew for sure whether or not DSS' biomom actually ran out on him, but he told me the story over and over during our marriage, doing his best to give me a skewed view of her. I always found myself surprised at how nice she was whenever I saw her. About 3 years into the relationship, DSS' mom tried to move away from the city and take her son with her. XAH went on high alert, making crazy threats and harassing her like crazy, so he wouldn't lose his prize possession. He argued for "equal access" to DSS but he didn't hesitate one bit to move DSS with us to another province, thereby effectively cutting DSS off from his mom.

It's clear to me now that his son was his possession, to be paraded around in front of others, but also to be yelled at and demeaned whenever he felt it was "necessary". DSS was gifted but also learning challenged; XAH often mentioned his son's giftedness to others, as if it was a reflection on his own intelligence, but he often omitted the learning challenges. And of course, he included his son in his delusions about the Apocalypse and the rebirth of the human race, putting DSS on this Messiah Pedestal, destined to lead humanity into a new era...When we were separating, he once angrily whispered to me that my DD was to be DSS' "advisor" in this new era, and that I had no idea what I was in for in raising her...so it was only logical that I leave her with him. Knowing what I already did about XAH and how he treated his children, I used this information to remind myself never to let me guard down in the future.

I never found out exactly what happened when I left XAH back in October 2009. I only heard bits and pieces, but in the end, I was so relieved to discover that DSS had managed to get away from his father's influence and move back to his mother's home province. I still do not know the extent to which he has contact with his father, but that's a topic for another thread.

All of this could be straight from my mouth... This thread is kind of like a car wreck that you can't stop looking at even though it is disturbing you! That's what it feels like for me-- I went and bought the book today and am afraid to start reading it.

Reading the synopsis from this chapter that you posted just made my head spin. I've felt I was the crazy one for years. Not only does my H have his family insulting me to my face and to other relatives behind my back, but my own mother for several years sided with my H and told him she was sorry he had to "deal" with me. Now that she's seen him in action she's full of apologies but it hurts to this day that she didn't trust what I was saying.

How my marriage has turned out is a mirror of what my childhood was like. Crazy, covert emotional and psychological abuse that I could feel and sense was wrong but had nothing really tangible to point to (to the outside world at least) to say "see- it IS abuse". I'd tell my mother she was being abusive and she'd laugh and ask who would believe me and then point to my tears and screaming (for her to stop taunting me) and tell me I was crazy. Fast fwd 25 yrs and the same thing is happening in my marriage. And yet it took me until the past year (actually not until this summer) to see that this was happening. And even when I recognized it I told myself it was bc of his alcoholism and his BPD and that it was "curable". I can now admit that I was lying to myself and probably realized that deep down even at that time.

I am finding myself really really emotional as I type this after reading this chapter's synopsis-- this one really really hit home for me.

Chapter 11, when I read this originally, I was mainly gearing up for what would happen in the future. Fortunately, my family never liked him (they never met him, it has nothing to do with alcohol or abuse), so at least there's no problems there. The problem was that I live near his family. (Mine is more than 2 hours away, but I like it that way.)

Perhaps the most important is that the silence surrounding abuse is being broken. ...
In this contect, an abuser has to work harder than ever to keep his partner blaming herself and to fend off helping hands that might reach her. One great way to keep people off of her side is to win them over to his first. Besides, he feels that he deserves allies, because he considers himself the victim.

When I was trying to prepare, I underlined this because we work together, and I was worried that he would get people at work lined up against me. Fortunately, he hasn't been in work often enough to try much, and the few he did try to win over agreed with my side. (This is a case when alcoholism works against the abuser, because when they're drunk, it's hard to be the suave, in control person necessary to gain allies.)

You may wonder why, if abusive men feel so justified in their actions, they distort their stories so much when seeking support. First, an abuser doesn't want to have to explain his worst behaviors - his outright cruelty, for example, or his violence - to people who might find those acts distasteful, and he may not feel confident that his justifications will be accepted. Second, he may carry some guilt or shame about his worst acts, as most abusers do; his desire to escape those feelings is part of why he looks for validation from other people, which relieves any nagging self-doubt. He considers his guilt feelings a weakness to be overcome. And, last, he may lie because he has convinced himself of his own distortions. The narcissistic abuser, for example, considers his fabrications real, which is one of the reasons why lie-detector tests are unreliable in cases of abuse...

XABF always looked so sure of himself when telling me what a rotten person I was, and how everything was my fault. It's one of the reasons I actually started believing him.

No one wants to believe that his or her own son or brother is an abusive man.
It's true! I had a really hard time admitting I was dating an abuser, imagine how much harder it would be if I were related to him!

Since so many people accept the misconception that abuse comes from bad relationship dynamics, they see the woman as sharing responsibility equally for "getting things to go better."
This is so true!
I even read a book about relationships that states repeatedly that excessive drinking and abuse are signs of discontent in the relationship, and that the other partner has to meet all the needs of the drinker/abuser, and they'll stop.
NOT TRUE. But how many people still think it is? How long until they realize that this makes it worse!

As for conjoint counseling for you and your abusive partner, I recommend that you strictly avoid it, for reasons that we will see further ahead.
This bears repeating.
Couples counseling is about both sides meeting in the middle.
The non-abused starts from a reasonable position. The abuser starts from his world of "I get everything I want." Any attempt to "meet in the middle" results in the abused giving up basic human rights and needs, and the abuser will use this to get more. Also, the abused cannot talk freely in cancelling, since the abuser is there listening to every word, and there will be retribution for any "uncomfortable truths" - meaning uncomfortable for him.


There is a kitten sitting on my book, I have removed her three times already and she keeps coming back, so I suppose that's it from me for today.

I grew up with this too. I'm so glad your DSS is away from your XAH!

This gave me chills reading it. Your XAH is really, really scary. You are so strong for breaking free! :hug:

Don't be afraid. A lot of what I read in the book really helped me make sense of what I had lived through. It helped me realise that no, I wasn't nuts, this really happened and it is abuse. You're not alone in this! :hug:

This is classic XAH. My XAH would get really upset too and cry about how I was hurting him, making him feel bad and exactly what I was doing that was wrong and how I was such a terrible person. I felt so guilty!


I feel like I should apologise every time I post a new chapter on this thread. It really helps me get the pain and abuse out there to look at it but I feel guilty that I'm triggering and hurting others here.

I love SR, it's my safe place. Thank you all for making it so great. :grouphug::grouphug:

:hug:
Don't feel this way, bookwyrm.
I believe this thread really helps a lot. It has also helped me work through some things, discover I am not alone in many aspects, and reminded me that I have nothing to be ashamed of, I lived through things that I thought I wouldn't admit to anyone, but little by little I have been putting them in this thread.
This thread is also a part of me healing, and I am sure there are many others who would agree.

Besides, everyone has the option of not clicking the thread, or hitting the "X" to close the window, or hitting the "back" button to return to where they were before. Everyone is reading this thread, and participating in this thread, because they have made that choice. We want to be here, for various and sundry reasons, but we want to be here.

I love SR too. I can be unapologetically myself, and instead of people staring at me like crazy, I discover many people nodding their head and agreeing. "Yeah, me, too."

We are not alone. We are understood.

...How amazing is that?!?

Don't apologize at all! I hope my post saying how emotional I feel reading these chapters isn't making you think I am saying it's awful to read this. I read a book last summer on Borderline Mothers and I had the same feeling reading that as I do now. Seeing that a huge part of my life has been a lie and that I was lead to believe that abuse was love and normal really shocked me.

I went and bought the book last night (Why Does He Do That) and another on Emotionally Abusive Relationships and I know that when I sit and start to read them it will be hard, triggering, sad etc... But the gains I've made bc of the pain from reading the Borderline book last year and what it did for my mental clarity about what I grew up with are all well worth the pain that reading brought on. And I know that reading these chapter synopses from you are doing the same--

If change were easy everyone would do it. It's painful and hard work but oh so worth it! If you hadn't shared these chapters I'd never have realized once and for all that my H is abusive.

I'm not at all upset that you posted all this. I am upset that I've tried to tell myself for so long that abusive behavior could be explained away...

No bookwyrm, please don't apologize. This thread(and the book, which I did purchase) has been a huge eye opener to me. It may be triggering, but it's a good, healing type of triggering, at least for me. I always thought it was "just me", now I know for a fact that it's not just me.

I will say though that I can only read the book in small spurts, otherwise I get too wrapped up in my feelings and then can't function much the rest of the day.

I read the whole book straight through in 24 hours over Christmas, and wore out two pens underlining it. It helped me so much, and came at the time when I needed it most.

Back to the chapter, I just realized something today.
Yesterday, a mutual "friend" (she's more my friend than his, although they've known each other longer) from work approached me to talk. She had spoken with XABF on Friday, and relayed parts of the conversation. He had told her how he's an alcoholic, how he's been to inpatient therapy twice (which explains why he was away from work for a month after his last attempt to speak to me), and how he has a broken heart before I won't talk to him and want nothing to do with him anymore. He told her about how he decorated my apartment "for me," and all these other things that he did "for me," and he just doesn't understand why I'd walk away.

...
He was trying to make an ally!
He was trying to get someone else to buy into this whole charade, that he probably even believes himself. She works in my building, right down the aisle from me, and we see each other frequently, and he knows this.

Fortunately for me, this time it didn't work.
Her ex-husband was an abusive alcoholic, and divorced her, taking half her savings and half the value of the house with him, and leaving her with half of his debt.
She recognizes the signs in XABF, and as she puts it, "He's an interesting person, and I like working together sometimes, but that's only because I make sure not to let him get close to me, because he wouldn't be fun and interesting anymore if he thought I was his friend."
She said she told him the best thing he could do would be to back off, since I already told him the relationship was over. She also apologized for telling him I adopted a kitten, in case I didn't want him to know that - she said she was trying to impress upon him that I had my own life, and my own preferences, and that they're allowed to be different than his, and didn't realize until later that I might not want him to know details. (I don't mind the kitten part, I just don't want him to know what car I drive!)
She also shared some intimate details from her past, that surprised me... I think in part she wanted to make sure that I didn't feel drawn back to him, after her relaying that he said he had a "broken heart," and wanted to remind me of the things people like him are capable of... I didn't need the reminder, I was impressed with myself not wanting to run back and make it all better, but I do appreciate her honesty and openness with me.

Nobody should have to go through this.
I'm just lucky that so far he's been using bad judgment with who he tries to convert to his side!
Just one more reminder. I need to be strong, and be me, because he's trying behind the scenes now.

I can do this.
This forum helps.
Thanks!

The underlying attitude sometimes appears to be: "How dare you continue to attempt to think for yourself when I am here before you with my obviously superior knowledge, status, judgment, and insight?"
I just had to post this quote here, because it sums up how XABF seemed to view me all the time, even though in this case its referring to abusers of power as abuser allies.


Breaking the silence does not necessarily mean criticizing or confronting the abuser regarding his behavior. It certainly doesn't mean going to him with anything you have learned from her, because the abuser will retaliate against her for talking about his behavior to other people. It does mean telling the abused woman privately that you don't like the way he is treating her and that she doesn't deserve it, no matter what she has done. And if you see or hear violence or threats, it means calling the police.

I thought that XABF's daughter was supporting me, when I spoke to her regarding his treatment of me, and she told me that I didn't deserve it and she wouldn't blame me if I moved on and broke up with him.
That was before she bought him a copy of this book to read, and then chewed me out over the phone about how I was ruining his chances of recovery by breaking up with him.
I know she was reacting because she now perceived that looking out for him ("enabling") was now her "job" and she didn't want it, so I can understand, and forgive... That doesn't make it hurt less, though.
I am "No Contact" with his entire family, not just him, because it is not healthy for me to be near them, and I know it.

I have almost never worked with an abused woman who overlooked her partner's humanity. The problem is the reverse: He forgets her humanity. Acknowledging his abusiveness and speaking forcefully and honestly about how he has hurt her is indispensable to her recovery. It is the abuser's perspective that she is being mean to him by speaking bluntly about the damage he has done.

How often did I feel like this?
Trying to talk to him about how I felt always resulted in an explosion, then him drinking and blaming it on me, more verbal abuse, and always twisted around until I ended up literally on my knees begging and apologizing about something that I never did, or shouldn't apologize for. Everything always had to be my fault, and the times when I reached out to others and he discovered this, always resulted in even worse repercussions than if I had tried to talk to him about it. Either way, nothing happened, except that I was even more miserable than I had to begin with.

It often falls to the abused woman herself, unfortunately, to try to educate the people around her whose help and support she needs, so that they will understand the dynamics of abuse and stop supporting the abusive man.
I'll confess, I gave up on this one.
If someone needed me to explain things, I originally explained until my face turned blue.
Now? I just move on, and find someone else to talk to.
Everyone I consider a friend understands what abuse really means.
The few who don't understand, trust me that I wouldn't invent something like this.



As difficult as it is to take on, you will often find yourself having to be your own best advocate...
As frustrating as this was in the beginning...
...now, I think, it's calming and therapeutic, in a way. I know I can stand up for myself now - something I had forgotten. I have the support I need to continue on my path, I know who to talk to when I get stuck, and I can be the strong ally I need for myself.
Wow. What a cool feeling.

This chapter gives me a lot to process...

Having been abused by my mother(AM), my first husband( non A), and second (AH), I will try to combine responses where possible and only point out the differences if needed.

Seeking allies by AH -in the beginning he would come home from bars or call me from bars to informing of the consensus of his "buddies" that I was unreasonable, unsupportive, and just plain wrong! My personal response to his drinking buddies was to not give it a second thought - assuming anyone at the bars instead of at home didn't know what a real family was about.

Then he confided in coworkers and gladly informed me that they agreed with him and not me. One co workers actually had the gall to tell me that we both made a mistake and needed to get divorced. That woman was 20 years older and had been married to an alcoholic until he died. She hated him but for some reason befriended my husband to his face. Other coworkers listened to him and he quoted how they supported his view but then when they sought me out - they told me he was crazy and supported me.

When he brought his sons into the picture - he quoted them as being supportive of him but behind his back, one was on my side and didn't stand up. He actually wanted to talk to me all the time until I called him during an episode and he heard every word - the son politely exited the convo and never wanted to talk to me again.

My first husband always found another woman to listen to his woes but he never confronted me with that information.

My mother rarely said a word to others who I later found out knew what was going on and tried to intervene and protect me.

When it came to professionals - they agreed that I was being abused with the AH and AM - and tried to talk me into turning them in. The therapist of the ist husband told him that I was the abusive one in the relationship so I can't imagine what he said.

As for me telling others - that was a big step that took a long time and I feel it. As a child I didn't tell because I didn't want to be taken away from my home and placed in foster care. Also, when I was questioned by professionals and my mother found out - I got it twice as bad. I used to beg teachers and the doctor not to say anything to her.

With AH- I didn't tell because i knew others would tell me to leave him. I didn't even confront him b/c I thought he would leave me. What else can I say about me at the time.

With exh - I was afraid of losing the children at first - but the first time my son came out of hiding to stop his father from hitting me - I put an end to it immediately! I filed a police report - I told all the teachers - my neighbors and family so that the kids had ppl to go to. Professionals did nothing! to my surprise. So I taught the kids what to do and where to go if I wasn't available.

My biggest surprise was the church who told me that I could not divorce - and though it was a tough situation - they thought I should pray my way through it.

So, while I was aware of allies at times - I put that out of mind thankfully strong enough for that one. My problem was being honest with others and refusing to do so until I had made a decision to leave whether it was my mother, or my husbands.

What I really feel bad about is that after growing up with it - that I found myself in the same situation twice again. That took a toll on my self esteem. Each time I said I would not do it again - and the denial flowed like a river. I think I have got this time.

Yes, Kassie I think you do have it this time.

This thread has been so enlightening and tough to read.
thank all of you for sharing your hardest memories.
I am learning.

Beth

My mom and two ex-husbands had this attitude.
I just realized, as I sit here waiting on someone I am supposed to work with (we were both hired by client to work together on something), that that is EXACTLY what I am dealing with AGAIN, with this person who is supposed to be a team member. I have had ideas, just as she has had ideas, but if something is my idea (or I even voice something obvious first) she refuses to do it. Just doesn't return calls or emails or respond. We have even missed deadlines now and harmed the client because she is SO incapable of any affront to her superiority. Any belief in equality is an affront to her. The client knows about it and tells her she must cooperate but she won't, and he won't fire her. He met with her Tuesday to fire her and she charmed him into not doing it... ally. Ohferheavensakes.... I have to get off of this project. I'm really glad I read this today! Bookwyrm it's great that you are doing this! Thanks.

Chapter 12
 

The Abusive Man in the World – The Abusive Man and the Legal System

I’m assuming all the following relates to US law. Being in Scotland, I’m not sure how up to date this chapter is – I’m working on a 2002 edition. The general scope of behaviours should still be relevant outside the US even if the actual legal steps outlined in this chapter aren’t.

He’s on probation for hitting me but he acts like it’s a big joke.
He’s been arrested four times but he always gets off.
I called the police and reported that he violated the restraining order but they said that since he didn’t get violent or threatening this time, the violation is too minor for them to do anything about it.
The D.A. wants me to testify but there’s no way I’m going in that courthouse again. Last time his defence attorney humiliated me; it’s just not worth it.
The judge told me we should go to couples counselling to work on our relationship issues.
He’s been sending me scary letters from jail. What should I do?


Lurking beneath the surface of most women’s experience of abuse it fear: fear or what he will do if you stand up to him; fear of how he will react if he finds out you’ve been spending time with your friends, whom he hates; fear of what he might do to one of your children; fear that he will get you pregnant again; fear of how he might retaliate if you try to leave him.
…The impact of fear accumulates over time. The twentieth time a loved one scares you is not the same as the first. You become enraged or paralysed or numb or all of those at the same time. You feel that it’s harder and harder to figure out what to do.
…The first time a woman considers involving the police or courts in her relationship, something inside her rebels. This is a man she loves, or at least once loved, with whom she has a history, with whom she has shared the highs and lows of moments of physical or emotional intimacy, with whom she may have children. She thinks to herself incredulously I am going to get a court order against this man? I am going to call the police and let them arrest him? I am going to cause him to have a criminal record or perhaps even go to jail? She shuts these preposterous seeming possibilities out of her mind…sooner or later she finds herself feeling that the situation has gone beyond what she can handle herself. The step of reaching out for legal help then stops seeming so farfetched.
Or she may become involved with the legal system without making the choice. Neighbours, bystanders or her own children may call the police during a scary incident.

A woman who faces purely verbal or economic abuse from her partner without the elements of physical assault, sexual assault or physical intimidation generally does not have recourse to the police or courts under current laws. The impact of her partner’s behaviour may be severe nonetheless but she will need to seek other sources of support, beginning with the nearest program for abused women.

THE DIFFERENT PLAYERS IN THE LEGAL SYSTEM
A call to the police or a visit to the court to seek a restraining order is a courageous and potentially empowering step. But an abused woman can also encounter some nasty surprises. Although the legal system is supposed to be her friend and protector, sometimes public officials seem to forget their job. Legal responses to abuse involve many players, each of whom has the potential to help the woman or to drop the ball.

When police are called to your home, they have a responsibility to make sure that you and your children are safe and to arrest the abuser if he has been violent or threatening. If he has violated a restraining order, the police should take him away even if he “only committed a technical violation” of the order or has some “good reason” for being there…

If the police do not arrest the abuser, or were never called, the responsibility next falls to the court to file a charge. If you report to the court that you were assaulted or threatened, or that your partner broke a restraining order, your word is evidence. Courts can and do file charges on the basis of victim reports alone but tragically they can be reluctant to do so in cases of domestic abuse or sexual assault. Courts reserve a special scepticism toward women who complain of abuse by a partner and disparaging biases against females are still the rule of the day in some courts…

If the court does file a charge, then the baton passes to the district attorney. His or her job is to take the crime as seriously as if it had been committed by a stranger and to pursue conviction just as assiduously…
Next comes the judge who not only makes sentencing decisions but, unless there is a jury trial, also is the one ruling on the man’s guilt or innocence…Studies have shown that it is harder to convince judges and juries to convict in abuse cases because of prejudices against the complainants as well as misconceptions about what ‘type’ of man would commit such a crime.

A judge is also the one who grants or denies a restraining order to protect the woman.

And finally comes the probation department at the court…his probation officer becomes the person who determines whether or not the abuser feels the bite of consequences or is left to coast.

HOW THE ABUSER THINKS ABOUT LAWS AND CONSEQUENCES

…support laws that prohibit domestic abuse – as long as they are applied only to other men…has a mental image of what a ‘real abuser’ is like and it isn’t him. In his mind, the ‘real abuser’ is more violent and scary than he is and has a partner who is a ‘nice lady’ who doesn’t deserve abuse.

She really exaggerated what I did.
…just because she remembers the incident differently doesn’t mean her version is wrong and his is right; in fact abused women typically have memories of what occurred that are clearer and more accurate than those of the abuser because of the hyper alert manner in which people react to any danger.

The judge didn’t even want to hear about what she did. In court the man is automatically wrong so the woman can do whatever she wants.

The abuser feels justified in using intimidation ‘when it’s really called for’ so he gets frustrated if he finds that court officials do not find his excuses about her behaviour compelling or don’t even want to hear them. He feels that if the court is going to take action against him for intimidating her then it should simultaneously crack down on her for hanging around friends of hers whom he dislikes, talking back to him when he tells her to shut up, fighting back physically when he is assaulting or threatening her or whatever his grievances may be.

The system is controlled by women.
…he already has well-entrenched habits of blaming women for his own behaviour. So when society sends him a message that he is responsible for what he does, he just widens the scope of his blame projecting machine to target all women…if he didn’t blame women, he would have to accept that a large proportion of men are opposed to what he is doing.

I’ve never experienced any consequences for my abuse before. It isn’t going to suddenly happen now.
Once the abuser recovers from the initial shock at legal intrusion into his private domain, he falls back on one of his core assumptions which is that he can get away with it. He starts manipulating court officials the same way he manipulates his partner and the people around her.

Nothing is going to stop me.
This last attitude is less pervasive, belonging to that minority of abusers who are unimpressed by legal consequences and who will stop at nothing to maintain control of their partners. This style of man finds way to be abusive and controlling even from jail… Jail doesn’t convince him that he has done anything wrong; it just sharpens his appetite for revenge. Abused women and the communities that support them need to take additional steps to prepare for the eventual release of the hell-bent abuser.

WHEN THE POLICE COME TO THE DOOR
Anyone who believes that abusers lose control of themselves should peer through the window when the police enter a home… If abusers truly had tremendous problems managing their anger, if they were as emotionally vulnerable or deeply injured from childhood as they often maintain, they wouldn’t be able to shut themselves off like a faucet as soon as a cop knocks on the door.

Abusers tell stories to the police of hard luck and misunderstanding of unstable or drunk women and helpless, well-intentioned men who are trying to fend off disaster. The most common routines are variations on the following themes:

• It was just a verbal argument, there was no hitting.
• She was hitting me over and over again while I tried to get out of the apartment and all I did was push her out of the way so I could get out.
• She was drunk and going to drive and I was just trying to get the keys from her.
• She said that if I didn’t give her money she’d call the police and say that I hit her.
• I just stepped in to protect our child from her abuse.

When an abuser is accused of violating a restraining order:

• It’s just a coincidence that we were there at the same time. I had no idea she would be present.
• I didn’t realise I wasn’t even allowed to send a letter.
• I just called to speak to the children because I miss them terribly. I haven’t had visitation with them in 2 months.

When the police go to a home on a domestic abuse call, the woman sometimes scrambles to cover for her abusive partner… She calculates that her safest position is beside her partner; if she teams up with him he might not rip her to pieces when the police car disappears up the street. Even if she called for help herself, she wasn’t necessarily looking for an arrest; most women call to get a scary experience to stop. They want the police to calm the man down and typically would like him removed from the home for the night. But jail, even for just a day or two? Few women would want to see that happen unless they have suffered a long history of abuse by him.

…the reality is that he put himself there and an increasing number of people are beginning to understand this crucial point. Why should you have to suffer abuse to protect him from the pain or humiliation of being locked up? He knows what he needs to change in order to keep the police from being called the next time. It’s on him.

SHOULD I GET A RESTRAINING ORDER?
Throughout almost all of the United States and Canada, a woman who is being physically abused, sexually assaulted or physically threatened by an intimate partner or ex-partner has the option to seek an order of protection from a court to keep the abuser away from her. (Purely psychological abuse without these elements of threat or assault is generally not covered…) …Call either the courthouse or your local program for abused women to find out if you are eligible to seek and order and what the process is for obtaining one.

Consider the following points in making your decision:

• Is he afraid of the police, courts or jail? If he is, the restraining order may keep him away from you. But if he has no fear, the order may incite him to get scarier than ever…
• Is your main concern that he will intimidate you, attempt to hit you or hassle you verbally or are you afraid he will do something even more serious, such as an attempt to kill you? Restraining orders can be helpful for stopping harassment and nonlethal assault but may not be worth a great deal in stopping an abuser whose intentions are murderous…
• Are the police and courts in your area supportive? Are they likely to take serious action if he violates the order? Will they believe you if you report a violation to them? A restraining order can do more harm than good if the legal system is not prepared to back you up.

…If possible, speak with an advocate for abused women before making a decision about seeking an order. And whether or not you choose to request a restraining order also make sure to take other steps to protect your safety. A restraining order should be one part of a larger safety plan.

IF THEY DO ARREST HIM, WHAT THEN?
Once an abuser is released from jail following arraignment he typically devotes his efforts to achieving the following goals: persuading the woman to drop the charges and not to testify if the charges do proceed and receiving the lightest possible consequence from the court.

…Women often berate themselves for not following through with a prosecution. A woman may say to me: ”What an idiot I was. I don’t know why the hell I believed his promises. I should have gone ahead and testified. Now look at the mess I’m in.” If you have had occasion to dump on yourself in this fashion stop for a moment and consider: Why is it your fault that he is so persuasive, that he knows so well how to muddle your mind, that he has collected information over the years about your vulnerabilities and knows how to play them? How are you to blame for how manipulative he is? The reason it takes so long to figure out an abuser is that he knows how to keep himself hidden in constantly shifting shadows. If abusers were so easy to figure out there would be no abused women.

In counties where abused women find a court system that is well trained in abuse and sensitive to their circumstances and where victim advocates are actively involved, 80% or more go forward with testifying. If you can’t stand dealing with a system that doesn’t understand your needs, that isn’t a shortcoming of yours. Also, remember that your decision to drop a restraining order or criminal charges doesn’t mean you can’t try again to use legal protection in future…

THE COURT HAND DOWN A SENTENCE
Sentences for the violence that men do to their wives or girlfriends are shorter on average than those they receive for assault on strangers, even though partner violence causes more serious injuries and deaths than male-on-male fights do. Courts don’t want to send abusers to jail because they consider them a special class of offenders who deserve unusual compassion and because they often accept victim-blaming justifications for men’s violence.

Old attitudes die hard…

Abusers spend much of their time in jail brooding over grievances against the abused woman and plotting their revenge. Men’s jails do not help them to overcome their oppressive attitudes to women; in fact they are among the more anti-female environments on the planet. Yet courts are going to have to overcome their reluctance to send abusers to jail if they ever want them to sit up and take notice… An important part of the sentence for any man convicted of domestic abuse should be an extended period – not less than a year – of participation in a specialised abuser program.

THE ABUSER ON PROBATION
My clients have no problem figuring out whether or not their probation officers consider domestic abuse a serious crime… When an abuser finds he can manipulate or bond with his probation officer, he not only paints a twisted picture of the abused woman but also employs his divide and conquer strategy with respect to the abuser program…

EFFORTS TO BOND
As the abuser encounters each new player in the legal system he tries to make a personal connection. With men he relies on ‘male-bonding’, making jokes about women or seeking sympathy based on anti-female stereotypes. With women he experiments with flattery and flirtatiousness or tries to learn private details of peoples’ lives so he can show concern… The unspoken message running through these efforts is: ”See, I’m not an abuser. I’m just a likeable, ordinary person like you and I want to be your friend.’

USING THE LEGAL SYSTEM FOR HIS OWN PURPOSES
…abusers have learned to use their own injuries from a fight to support claims of victimisation. I find the more violent an abusive man is, the more likely he is to come out of a fight with some injuries of his own as his terrified partner kicks, swings her arms and scratches in her efforts to get away from him…

Abusers have also learned to rush to the court to get restraining orders before their partners get the chance to do so and sometimes scoop up custody of their children in the process.

SURVIVING THE LEGAL SYSTEM

Ask for help, ask for help, ask for help.
…draw upon every resource that is available to you.

Co-operate with the prosecution unless it is too dangerous for you to do so.
…abusers who are prosecuted are more likely to stop their violence than those who are not. If your partner suddenly seems serious about changing, it is not a reason to drop legal action; on the contrary, it is another reason to continue it. …You cannot get an abuser to change by begging or pleading. The only abusers who change are the ones who become willing to accept the consequences of their actions…

Avoid dropping a restraining order.
Stay away from your partner until the court order expires, even if you are missing him very much and he seems like a completely different person. Courts unfortunately often develop prejudices against women who seek restraining orders and then drop them…

Don’t give up prematurely.

Advocate for yourself.

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER

• Abusers rarely change if they aren’t forced to suffer any consequences. A man should be required to complete and abuser program in conjunction with, not instead of, legal consequences.
• Many abusers see the legal system as another opportunity for manipulation. Whether or not he succeeds in that approach will depend largely on how well trained the crucial public officials are on the subject of abuse – and how many of them think as he does.
• A woman who wants the legal system to help protect her rights needs to seek out assistance for herself and to be prepared to advocate for her own needs and interests. Her first call should be to a program for abused women.
• The legal system will tend not to contribute well to your safety unless you use it in conjunction with other self-protective steps.
• Any form of physical aggression, including a push, poke, shove or threat is illegal in most states and provinces. You do not need to wait until you are severely injured to seek police assistance.
• There is no such thing as a minor violation of a law or court order by an abusive man. If the legal system does not hold him accountable, he will escalate to more serious violations under the assumption that the system does not mean what it says.

I live in Scotland and I didn't involve the legal system here - I didn't even realise the depth of the abuse I lived in till I was well away! I have no experience with anything in this chapter so I've just summarised as best I could (another huge post - sorry!).


Three more chapters to go!

I had an experience today and a "ah-ha" moment about my AH.

We had a fire drill and were standing outside on the steps. As I started to go up I faltered and loss my balance at first and finally recaptured it. I noticed AH was standing there watching but not offering to help. Any one else would have reached for me. I realized that he had to notice and if I asked would throw out the line about the codicile in our divorce agreement about "not addressing personal business at work or talking to me anywhere that others can hear us". He would use that against helping me!

Later I had another realization - AH is normally good with boundaries as he doesn't want others to know the truth. He present one image to the world and another privately with me. Since we work at the same place he has never been able to mind the boundary of not talking about personal business at work with me. I finally recognized that he thinks of me as part of him and not a separate person which means that whether at work or home - he is not crossing any boundaries in his way of thinking when he talks to me.

This was an amazing insight that explains more than I am going to go into here. It explains so much of the troubles in our marriage! that I am only now discovering.

Thanks for reading.

Wow- this entire post describes what my AH has been doing/saying/acting like since the police were called after he assaulted me in Jan.

He has befriended the lawyer I found for him (in true codie, sick fashion I freaked out about how angry he'd be with me that he got arrested and got him a lawyer asap. Now he's painting me (as the court date approaches) as the aggressor just as this section from the chapter describes

And he was idiotic enough to write in his police statement that I was threatening him, he was fearful of me and he lied and said I hit him etc... The police report all but says they knew he was lying and all he did by lying was make himself look worse. But of course the whole thing is my fault.

He actually told me last night that the fact that he was drinking while on bail conditions (that can wind him up in jail) is ultimately my fault/responsibilty bc the police got involved and I quote him "through no fault of my own". Evidently he thinks that assaulting me was " no fault of his own".

This book is dead on!

The first time a woman considers involving the police or courts in her relationship, something inside her rebels.

This is where I am right now. I am hoping and praying that he got the message, because if he tries to contact me again, I have to do something, and I still don't want to.

A woman who faces purely verbal or economic abuse from her partner, without the elements of physical assault, sexual assault, or physical intimidation, generally does not have the recourse to the police or courts under current laws. The impact on her of her partner's behavior may be severe nonetheless, but she will need to seek other sources of support, beginning with the nearest program for abused women.

Fortunately, some states now have laws that include emotional abuse as abuse, but mine is not one of them, so I could get a restraining order for harassment if he tries to contact me again, but that's the best I can ever do. So right now, I just changed my habits, and I'm doing my best to ensure he doesn't learn which car I drive. The less he knows about me, the better.

Dozens of my clients have said to me: "I'm not like those guys who come home and abuse their partners for no reason, you know."

Yeah. So he invents reasons, just so he can justify his actions in his sick little world. "You made me do it, StarCat. It's all your fault. I wouldn't be like this if you weren't such a horrible person." He can take those claims elsewhere, because I don't believe them anymore.

Just because she remembers the incident differently doesn't mean her version is wrong and his is right; in fact, abused women typically have memories of what occurred that are clearer and more accurate than those of the abuser, because of the hyperalert manner in which people react to danger.

Plus the fact that I was sober, and he was not.
But there's no telling him that.
And there's no forgetting on my end. And then there's always those memories of that "one more thing" that my brain tried to bury, called to memory by a passing sound or smell or comment from someone else.

He feels that if the court is going to take action against him for intimidating her, then it should simultaneously crack down on her for hanging around with friends of hers whom he dislikes, talking back to him when he tells her to shut up, fighting back physically when he is assaulting or threatening her, or whatever his grievances may be.

This is why I am hoping he just backs off and leaves me alone.
Not only do I want my life back as soon as possible, without feeling I need to look over my shoulder, but I don't want to appear in court, I don't want to appear in front of him in public again...
Not to mention, he doesn't need to befriend his lawyer, they're already family, and after the verbal tongue lashing his daughter gave me over Christmas, blaming everything on me, I really do not want to meet her in a courtroom.


The section on manipulations around court orders, like calling then claiming he didn't know, I already saw while he was in rehab. I even wrote a note in the margin:
"Calling after being told not to call from inpatient rehab - 'I didn't understand.'"
He's already doing it in rehab, he would do it in court, too.


Purely psychological abuse without these elements of threat or assault is generally not covered under the laws governing protective orders.

Some states have changed this, thank goodness!
Mine has not.

Anyone who specializes in "domestic violence" is there to help you deal with a scary or intimidating partner, even if he has never hit you.

Thank goodness for that. Although this book and this forum have been enough for me right now as far as recovering from the abuse issue is concerned, I am grateful that there are other resources I can go to, should I need them.
I wanted to repeat that here, so that others can recognize this as well.


Abusers rarely change if they aren't forced to suffer any consequences. A man should be required to complete an abuser program in conjunction with, not instead of, legal consequences.

This statement is ultimately what convinced me that XABF and I could not continue.
His family are enablers extraordinaire when it comes to the alcohol, and it drives them up the wall. They haven't been the direct victim of the emotional abuse (they've come across some of it, but not enough of it to view it as "abuse" yet, since they do limit contact with him due to the alcohol), so they won't even admit it's a problem. (They do admit he drinks too much.)
So it wouldn't matter what I did. He's never physical, so it would never go to the courts, and his family will support his side of the story, so there's never any chance whatsoever of him being called out on the carpet on this by anyone but me.
No consequences.
No recovery.
So no StarCat. I'm not staying in that mess.

Somehow they always manage to twist everything to support their own agenda, don't they?
:hug:

Yes!
Now that you mention it, I feel this same exact way regarding my "relationship" with XABF.

According to a friend at work, he has a broken heart, and I'll confess, I do believe that. But he's not pining over me, he's pining over this person he thought I was, this person he wanted to turn me into, this person who is not a person but a shadow of himself, always out of the way, walking behind him, holding him up, but never permitted to walk in the sun.
I am not that person. I am not another appendage, the one that strokes his ego, and protects him from his own consequences.

I am me, plain, simple, and whole.
And I will enjoy the sunlight.

I have been reading this thread for a week now and it is hard. In my field we call beneficial low levels of pain the 'ah, it hurts so good' level. Not excruciating, but that needed to undo a knotted muscle. When it feels like you've hit the problem spot and the outcome will be freedom from chronic pain. I've had to sit back and rethink so much. I am seeing that the alcohol is only the very tip of my iceberg. Reading has cleared up all kinds of amnesia for me. I had grown so much before I met my AH why did I come back to this? Thank you so much for posting this thread. Thank you.

Funny, I may have been able to put up with just the alcohol... That's the disease part. This is the part that never set well with me. The part where he has torn everything apart and it did seem that he had control of his doings. I have often wondered why I couldn't be one that cared and would do anything to pull AH back to normalcy. Kinda had a shadow of feel bad behind that. Also a lot of people telling me I should fight for him. There was always a feeling that inner voice shouting, "But you just don't know." A lot of pieces are falling into place. A lot of seemingly incongruent elements are being reconciled.

I can remember being on complete bed rest after an emergency appendectomy that had ruptured- in the middle of a pregnancy, with a 2 year old running around. At home alone while my H worked. I asked my mom to help, because H was starting to resent 'all' he had to do. She asked, "Well, is it really too much to ask for you to cook a few eggs and push the vacuum around a little?" I felt like the most alone person in the world. She then change the subject and talked on. I made a quick exit from the conversation. My world fell in a little that day. She never did help out.

On the chapter about addiction and the abuser. I agree with the writing because of my own observations. Months ago I realized that AH could choose even while drunk. He was for months drunk and abusive. I followed Alanon and didn't engage him. Thankful for that! When he was sober I'd call him on some over the top things he said while drunk. He would laugh. Then cover it with, well I was drunk and you can't hold me responsible, "That's what drunk people do." Fast forward, after he could see I was setting up for an exit, (at his request mind you) suddenly he's the most amiable drunk ever. That started me thinking and I was able to stop taking shifted blame. I knew he wasn't as helpless to alcohol as he claimed.

I'm ordering the book. And another for a friend who just broke free and is headed to court for 'custody' hearings. Odd seems our husbands have become allies and it is all coming much clearer.

So subtle for so many years. I can remember how he would try the full on domineering attitude, but I would never allow that. I have come to realize that AH is somewhat of a coward. I say that because I can remember instances where we really needed a man up, to stand up and he cowered. I gave him ample time and gentle nudging to get up and show himself when we needed to have 'dad' step in to show we were a cohesive family unit. Every time I would have to do the standing. I'm shy by nature and I would pull myself up to face teachers, administrators, police, whatever. He's all talk and no action. He's sly and subtle.

Now I also see clearly why I am scared of the break. I really don't trust that he will keep his mild mannered exterior. It was over when he said it was over, but now that he has changed his mind he feels we should all fall in neatly behind him. He really is living as if nothing happened and wonders at why 'I' am being so uncooperative. I now trust that it is he that is treating me like I'm being childish, not me being childish. When he 'caught' me reading 'Co-Dependant No More' he confronted me. "Are you trying to say you are abused?" I thought it was odd his asking, but I deflected the Q and felt fear. Now I understand why.

Thank you again! This is one that needs to keep resurfacing. It is a true eye opener. I'm sorry if I went on. It's been like a sudden jolt of breath.