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(((Starcat))) I got goosebumps reading your post. For all of us - :grouphug: |
Chapter 9 was very difficult to read(I need to read it again though, with a highlighter) however it did remind me that I should call the local abuse hotline soon, and get their help in setting up my exit plan. Cell phones, I mentioned somewhere on here that Walmart sells a Tracfone/Net10 phone for $10, that comes with a car charger. With mine, I had it inactive for awhile, but the E911 symbol did show on it, and I did carry it with me in my car at all times(it also has a very long battery life, which is nice) Shelters also collect old cell phones, for the very purpose of distributing to women so that they can call 911 if need be. |
Originally Posted by tjp613
(Post 2917472)
You are all so very brave for opening up and sharing these horrifying stories. I know it takes a toll but it is cathartic to get it up and out. When I was in training to work the hotline at my city's DV center, I ran across this list in some of my research. There's nothing obviously special about it, but I made myself read every single 'story' on this list and by the time I was finished I was fundamentally changed. I will NEVER again stand idle or silent when I see or hear of a woman being threatened by domestic violence. Please.... for them.... read it: List of Texas Women Killed in 2008 by Their Intimate Partner . |
Originally Posted by passionfruit
(Post 2919710)
I read it and it made me cry. Yeesh... |
Originally Posted by Kassie2
(Post 2918471)
tuff - In my experience, I actually got to hear what my AH was being told in AA and they were telling him like it is - and I noticed that he only heard what he wanted to hear. Then when he disagreed with them, he quit and started drinking - blaming them now. So, you may not be seeing the whole picture. |
Chapter 10 The Abusive Man In The World – Abusive Men as Parents He’s terrible to me but he’s a really good father. He took no interest in the children until I left him and then right away he filed for custody. My children are freaked out and don’t want to go on visitation with him but the court won’t listen to me. I couldn’t manage without him because the children don’t listen to me. Life with an abuser at home can be as confusing and as stressful for the children as it is for their mother. They watch the arguments; they feel the tension. When they hear screaming and name calling the worry about their parents’ feelings. They have visions of the family splitting up; if the abuser is their father or a father figure the prospect of separation is a dreaded one. If the abuser is physically scary, sometimes punching walls, knocking over chairs or striking their mother, then a sharper kind of fear grips the children and may pre occupy them even during the calm periods in the home. Following periods of abuse, they may be wracked with guilt, feeling that they either caused their mother to be abused or should have found some way to have prevented it. Witnessing incidents of abuse is just the beginning of what the children endure, however. Abuse sends out shock waves that touch every aspect of family functioning. Hostility creeps into mothers’ relationships with their children and siblings find themselves pitted against one another. Why abusiveness so often extends to parenting issues. There are various reasons why a man’s abusiveness tends to affect his parenting choices, including the following: Each important decision that parents make has an impact on the family…How is an abuser likely to respond to this complex picture? He is likely to continue his usual tendency to be selfishly focused on how any changes will affect him rather than what works best for the family as a whole. At the core of the abusive mind-set is the man’s view of his partner as a personal possession…If he is the children’s legal father, he sees them as extensions of himself; otherwise he tends to see them as extensions of her…his mentality of ownership is likely to shape his parental actions. It is next to impossible for an abuser to keep his treatment of the mother a complete secret from children the way he does with other people because they are almost always around. So he chooses instead to hook them into the patterns and dynamics of the abuse, manipulating their perceptions and trying to win their loyalty. Children are a tempting weapon to use against the mother….Many abusers sense that they can gain more power by using the children against their partners than by any method other than the most overtly terrorising assaults or threats. Revisiting the abusive mind-set: parenting implications. Control The abuser does not believe…that his level of authority over the children should be in any way connected to his actual level of effort or sacrifice on their behalf, or to how much knowledge he actually has about who they are or what is going non in their lives. …abusers tend to be authoritarian parents. They may not be involved that much of the time but when they do step in, it’s their way or the highway. Entitlement Children of abusers often find their father’s attention and approval hard to come by. This scarcity has the effect of increasing his value in their eyes, as any attention from him feels special and exciting. Ironically, their mother can come to seem less important to them because they know they can count on her. Externalisation of responsibility Children who are exposed to the abuse of their mother often have trouble paying attention in school, get along poorly with their peers or act out aggressively. In fact, they have been found to exhibit virtually every symptom that appears in children who are being abused directly. The abuser attributes all of these effects to the mother’s poor parenting or to inherent weakness in the children. When a family affected by partner abuse splits up, some children discover how much more pleasant life is without their father in the home and may choose to distance themselves from him. This can be a sign of emotional health and recovery. The abusers then often claims, predictably, that the mother is turning the children against him; in his mind what else could it be? Manipulativeness In certain ways children actually have an easier time living with an abusive parent who is mean all the time – at least they know what they are dealing with and who is at fault. But the typical abuser is constantly changing faces, leaving his children confused and ambivalent and increasing the likelihood that they will identify with him in hopes of staying on his good side. ...Your partner may reward the children for maintaining secrecy or may make them feel that they would bring shame on the family, including themselves, if anyone were to find out. Superiority, disrespect Children growing up in this atmosphere can gradually come to look down on their mother as a parent, having absorbed the abuser’s messages that she is immature, irrational, illogical and incompetent. Even those children who take their mother’s side in most conflicts, as many daughters and some sons of abused women do, nonetheless can come to see her as inferior to other people and to themselves. Possessiveness Not all abusers perceive their children as owned objects but many do. A man who already considers his partner a possession can find it easy to see his children in the same way. But children are not things and parents who see their children in an objectified way are likely to cause psychological harm because they don’t perceive children as having rights. Public image It is confusing for children to see people responding to their abusive father as if he were a charming and entertaining person…They are left to assume that his behaviour at home is normal, which in turn means that they and their mother must be at fault. The Abusive Man As Child Abuser Multiple studies have demonstrated that men who abuse their partners are far more likely than other men to abuse children… The increased risks include the following: Physical Abuse The abuser who is most likely to hit children is the one who is quite physically assaultive or threatening toward the mother. A bettering partner is 7 times more likely than a non-battering partner to physically abuse children…there are also some abusers who hit the children but not the mother. The man in this category tends to be: (a) a particularly harsh and authoritarian parent (b) controlling and dictatorial partner and (c) a man who was physically abused by his own parents growing up. Sexual Abuse Incest perpetrators are similar to partner abusers in both their mentality and tactics. They ten dot be highly entitled, self-centred and manipulative men who use children to meet their own emotional needs. …multiple research studies have found that men who abuse their partners perpetrate incest at a much higher rate than do non-abusive men….Although the percentage of outright sexual abuse appears to be fairly low….concerns about subtler kinds of boundary violations and other sexually inappropriate behaviours… Psychological Abuse Name-calling, belittling, attacking their self-confidence, humiliating them in front of other people, shaming boys with regard to their masculinity and insulting – or inappropriately complimenting – girls on the basis of their physical development and appearance are all common parenting behaviours among…abusive men… They tend to hurt their children’s feelings further by failing to show up for important events, not following through on promises….or by showing no interest. The abuser as role model Children exposed to partner abuse learn the following lessons from the dynamics they are caught in the middle of:
How abusers affect mother-child relationships Undermining her authority Children who detect such an imbalance learn to play one parent against the other and try to curry favour with the one who has the ultimate say…Even when a man does not directly undercut the mother’s parenting…his abuse undermines her authority by its very nature. children who see or hear their father belittle their mother, silence her, walk away and ignore her or physically intimidate her learn that such behaviour toward her are both acceptable and effective. Children may also hope to win their father’s approval by joining him in the abuse of their mother. This effort succeeds in some case but other abusers law down the law quickly to establish that the privilege of disrespecting Mom belongs only to Dad. Interfering with her parenting …the most common complaint is that of being prevented from comforting a crying or frightened baby or young child. Using the children as weapons of abuse Fuelling this type of cruelty to children is the abuser’s awareness that the mother’s empathy for her children’s emotional pain will hurt her more than anything he could do to her directly. Shaping the child’s perceptions of the abuse …skilled spin doctors, able to distract children’s attention from what is before them and get them confused about the obvious…It is therefore not surprising that abusers are sometimes able to reverse their children’s perceptions so that they see Mom as the volatile or unreasonable one despite the abuse they witness. Placing mother in a double bind The abuser gets rewarded for his bullying behaviour because the children give up on influencing his side of the equation and pour their energy into getting their mother to fix what’s wrong. Children of abused women thus feel angry or upset with their mother for standing up to the abuser and for not standing up to him… Child protective services sometimes accuse an abused woman of ‘failing to protect’ her children from exposure to an abusive man without understanding the many efforts she may have made to keep them safe and the many tactics the abuser may have used to interfere with her parenting. How abusive men sow division in families Abuse is inherently divisive; family members blame each other for the abuser’s behaviour because it is unsafe to blame him…. Why does an abuser sow divisions in these ways? One reason is that his power is decreased if the family remains unified. Resilience in mother-child and sibling relationships Several factors play a role in helping family relationships rebound from the effects of the abuser’s behaviour and grown strong:
How children look at their abusive fathers In his children’s eyes, the abuser is simultaneously hated and revered. They resent his bullying and selfishness but are attracted to his charm and power. They soak up the delicious moments when he is kind and attentive…They may have an active fantasy life about getting big enough to stand up to him and often dream of hurting him. If he is depressed or alcoholic, they worry about him. They observe that when their father is happy peace reigns in the family and that when he is unhappy he makes everyone else miserable too, so they invest in keeping him content. Children are also subjected to traumatic bonding with their abuser… The abuser as parent post-separation Some abusive men simply vanish from their children’s lives…he thinks of having children as a reversible process…he may pay little or no child support… Children may actually fare better in the long term from having the abuser drop out of their lives rather than have him continue his manipulations and devisiveness for years but these are both poor choices. When the abusive father disappears, children feel rejected and abandoned. When abusive fathers stay involved, a different set of problems typically arise. They may use children as weapons to retaliate against the mother or as pawns to try to get her back. Including:
Why he uses the children as weapons post-separation
Do all abusers harm their children emotionally post-separation? Fortunately not. These men tend to be:
The abuser in family court The typical abusive man enters the court with self-assurance, assuming that the court personnel will be malleable in his charming and manipulative hands. He typically tells lies chronically and comfortably. He looks and acts nothing like the social stereotype of an abuser and plays on the prevailing myths and prejudices concerning abuse. The abuser’s tactics in custody disputes
Mixed social messages to abused mothers This heading and information about preparing for custody battles will have to wait till tomorrow, I'm going to bed! Key points to remember
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Children may actually fare better in the long term from having the abuser drop out of their lives rather than have him continue his manipulations and devisiveness for years but these are both poor choices. This is exactly what my therapist said today.. wow. Thanks for this thread. |
Chapter 10 - part 2 Mixed social messages to abused mothers When couples are together, professionals and other community members are highly critical of a mother who continues to live with an abusive partner....If she believes that the man has the potential to change, they are likely to say she is in denial or unrealistic for harbouring such fantasies. These critics ignore the huge challenges she faces as a parent and how difficult it is to leave an abuser. But when an abused mother does break up the relationship, society tends to do an abrupt about face. Suddenly she hears from court officials and from other people: Well, maybe he abused you but that's no reason to keep the children away from him. He is their father after all. Don't you think your own resentments are clouding your judgement about your children? Don't you believe that people ever change? Why don't you give him the benefit of the doubt? In other words, a woman can be punished for exposing children to a man in one situation but then punished for refusing to expose them to the same man in another situation. Preparing for custody battles just in case ...bear the following points in mind:
Make your own healing - as well as your emotional and physical safety - a priority. Children of an abused woman can feel the difference when their mother starts to get help for herself and becomes more able to recognise abuse for what it is, blaming neither herself nor her children for her abusive man's behaviour. Here are some other actions you can take:
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Chapter 10 really was a milestone for me. I knew my father was an abuser of my mother - I just didn't reckon on how it affected me! The stories in this chapter reflect my family dynamics growing up - it was eerie reading about the fighting siblings (me and my brother!), the drive for attention, the shaming and belittling. My mother also adopted some of the abusive tactics employed by my father on her children. My father was the authoritarian parent. He was physically violent - but only very occasionally. He shouted a lot. Didn't really interact with us kids much. We were to be seen and not heard. We were to take care of our mother, help her out around the house but he himself never lifted a finger. 'Do as I say, not as I do' was his, and my mother's motto. We walked around on eggshells when he was around. I retreated into books, my brother lived outside most of the time, regardless of the weather. Sarcasm and taunting was the language of my family. Secrets were the backdrop. I can now see where I got my codie ways from. The people pleasing, the need to protect others without protecting myself, taking on blame for things that weren't my fault etc. I was set up for life with XAH by my home life. I was the self appointed 'protector' in the family. I was the eldest, often having to look after my little brother. I tried to minimise any disturbance in the house, anything that might upset my father. I felt to blame when he exploded - that I did something wrong to set him off, that I should have been that bit faster, that bit better and headed off whatever it was that set him off before it triggered him. At school, I became a bit of a bully - I would beat up other bullies who tried to pick on me and my friends. My brother began coming into my bedroom and night when I was sleeping and lifting up my nightdress and just look at me. I often woke up, frozen and unable to say or do anything during this. I didn't tell for a long, long time. I couldn't speak about it to anyone. I couldn't even talk to my brother about it. I didn't want to upset the boat. I didn't want him to get hurt. I didn't want my father to know. I thought I would be blamed. I felt shamed. I still feel shamed. Reading the book, I think it was my brother's way of being in control, modelling dad's behaviour. It started when we were fairly young and only ended when I woke up frozen one night and he and his friend who was staying over was there. Feeling sick, I spoke to my mum who asked me a couple of questions, told me she would 'deal' with it and I wasn't to tell anyone. I felt ashamed. I still don't know what happened, what she said etc. I do know that it stopped then. Just typing this out makes me feel sick. Thank you for giving me this space to get all this ugliness out. Dragging it out into the light and looking at it in a whole new way is helping me more than I can say - though it really does hurt like hell doing it! |
(((((((((((((((((bookwyrm)))))))))))))))))) It was very corageous to share what you shared. Time to hand the shame to the ones it belongs to, because it is not yours, never was. (((((((hugs)))))))))))) |
:hug: Bookwyrm :hug: I don't have as much to share in this chapter as I have in past chapters. (Looking at the size of this post after writing it, I think I was wrong about this sentence.) Regarding XABF's behavior, we never had any children, although he does have three now-adult children. From what I understand from them (back when I still spoke to them), either he did not try to abuse/manipulate/control them until they were adults, or they blocked it out of their minds. His daughter claims that he never used any of this behavior on her, although she does not doubt that he used it on me, because what I told her is very similar to the reasons her mother gave for divorcing him when they were young. I suspect part of the reason they do not view his behavior during their childhood as abuse and controlling is because their mother had primary custody - they took turns being with him on Saturdays, then all three were together on Sundays, and they got to pick the type of thing they wanted to do, while XABF made all the arrangements. When you're children, that sort of behavior makes sense, but as they got older, they had less say in choosing what to do, and so spent less time with him. As far as my life is concerned, it applies more with my relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I am not at the point yet where the chapter feels like it relates to me, part of that is that I am trying to sort through things still, and I believe the other part is since trying to remember things is difficult so I am letting the use of the word "he" and "father" get in the way. At some point I will absolutely re-read the chapter with my mother in mind, but I'm not quite at the point where it's helping yet. My mother absolutely did play the mind games - we always arrived late to anything that we were interested in attending, because she had to take her time to get ready, taking breaks from preparing to talk on the phone with practically everyone. She's still be wandering around the house wearing only her underwear by the time we had to leave. We started telling her we had to be there an hour before the events actually started, but that only worked for a little while, because one of the other parents at an event told her the real time, so she unraveled that method. I do remember our bedtime was 7:00pm (that moved to 8:00pm when we got into High School). I remember nights when she'd go to bed extra early, only to wake us up at 11:00pm to vacuum the house because she was mad. I remember her pushing us to be perfect at everything, telling us we had to be modest and not tell anybody anything we accomplished, bragging about us to all the neighbors, screaming about us to the school principal, yelling at teachers for showing us a movie during class because it was rated PG or made by Disney, and basically only listening to what we said long enough for her to come up with something to use against us to ridicule us, or some phrase she could twist out of context. We had to pretend to be happy all the time, because anything else was ridiculed. We had to take blame for her faults because she didn't remember having any, and all of us would get punished if at least one of us didn't admit to whatever it was she thought one of us did. The fault isn't all hers. My father never defended us. We'd defend him when she'd be screaming at him at the top of her lungs regarding something that we knew he didn't do, and he'd yell at us and say that we were wrong, our mother was right, and everything was his fault. He'd work long hours after telling my mother he was on his way home, so she'd have a warm supper ready for the time he was supposed to arrive, and by the time he came home two hours later she had already screamed at us and went to bed. I wonder sometimes what came first, his unreliability and lack of parenting, or her screaming all the time so that he came home as infrequently as possible. At the end of the day, I know it doesn't matter - it was a volatile combination, and we were stuck in the middle. I am not sure what I need to do to rebuild myself from that. Some of it I know I am doing... But I have to work more on figuring out what exactly went on growing up, so that I know what to do about it. I have much more work to do in this chapter. First things first. I'm not at this point yet, and if I push myself to skip ahead too much, I'll miss some steps I am ready to do now, that may help me with the later. |
AH buys his children's affections. there is a go cart and a snowmobile in the garage, both bought to "win" oldest DS. Awhile back, I found an Imaginext pirate ship at a resale shop, cheap(well, compared to what it goes for on Ebay that is) I was going to save it for youngest ds's birthday. AH instead chose to give it to him, making him "feel" like he won(and that's what he said "I win! I'm the favorite!") Doesn't really spend much time with them, talk with them, etc. The day it all really hit me, and spiraled me downward for a day or so, was reading on the ACOA board. One of the posters sounded like my oldest, and it scared me. |
I think I might drop by the ACOA board at some point - even though alcohol wasn't the issue at home. |
(((Starcat))) One step at a time... I'm just about ready to look at FOO issues. [aside: whenever I see the acronym for Family of Origin I think Foo Fighters (the band) and then I think of black clad ninjas kicking all sorts of crap out of my issues and then I hear 'haiyyyah' in my best Miss Piggy voice. Should I go back to the doctor and tell him the pills aren't working?!] I've been working through things with XAH for a couple of years now - though the abuse thing is fairly new and is linked to my FOO. But it's baby steps all the way for me! |
Ok, my turn at this one. Mine is about my mother. Growing up with an abusive parent is "confusing, stressful, full of arguments, tension, worry and fear" Even in calm times, we walked on eggshells for fear of her changing mood. I can still remember the yelling, the belittling, the pain of the physical contact with her hand, her foot or anything she could put her hand upon quickly (which was often the most dangerous of all if you think about it). Our daily rituals began with watching her face to see if it was ok to enter a room, say good morning, and try to guess whether if give coffee - should you get anything else or not. Cause it was hard to keep up with her changeable moods and dictums. Let alone be sure if the coffee was cooked properly or you put the proper amount of milk in it. (yes it mattered) She was an authoritarian parent who did not know the meeting of parenting, sacrificing or teaching - let alone comforting. We were always considered a burden that God and my father gave her. She expected us to know how to do everything without showing, to understand her every whim, to always to the right thing ( by her standards that would consist of whatever she thought or felt at the moment) to be able to anticipate her every need for quite, aloneness, or sleep. The problem only existed when my father was not around ( he had a travelling job so often was not at home) - which made it hard for him to understand the fear I had when he wanted to play with us - fear of moving anything out of place. Or the fear of doing something wrong - when he was quite the opposite - saying, "mistakes are only mistakes if you don't learn from them". Or the lack of spontaneity and laughter in the home whenever she was around. It was crazy making and confusing. The worse part was when my father died, I didn't know if she could actually take care of us. She actually couldn't - I ended up taking care of me and my brother. I cooked, I shopped, I cleaned, I did the laundry, I made sure my brother did his homework and when to school. I don't know how the bills got paid but I can tell you that I did not have heat until I left home. Most days she popped her pills and vanished under the covers - and the day came when I waited for the time when she took more so she could pass out on the couch and give us peace for awhile. It sounds awful and it was. |
:hug: Kassie :hug: |
The Water Torturer The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are: You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing. I can easily convince people that you're the one who is messed up. As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel. I know exactly how to get under your skin. This is disturbing in an eye opening, I can never go back and think the way I did before about AH kind of way. He's not a victim of his ACOA childhood, he's not misunderstood, he's not giving as much as he is able to right now etc... He is an abuser. Oh my god. |
[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
(Post 2916114)
Once he stops drinking...he may turn around and insist she is alcoholic too, even if she actually drinks moderately. He starts to criticise her for being 'in denial' about her own drinking, a concept he has learned at meetings and about which he now considers himself an expert. The abuser can also use specific concepts from AA against his partner. AA..."taking someone else's inventory'. The abuser turns this concept against his partner, so that any time she attempts to complain about his abusive behaviour and how it affects her, he says to her:" You should work on your own issues instead of taking my inventory". Similarly, he uses the danger that he might drink as an excuse to control her....The accusation "You're threatening my sobriety" becomes a new tool that the abuser uses to hammer and silence his partner. |
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
(Post 2938128)
This is disturbing in an eye opening, I can never go back and think the way I did before about AH kind of way. He's not a victim of his ACOA childhood, he's not misunderstood, he's not giving as much as he is able to right now etc... He is an abuser. Oh my god. I've not posted on this thread for a few weeks now - I've been digesting a lot of what I've been reading. I will get back to it soon - damn this stuff is hard! |
Chapter 11 The Abusive Man in the World - Abusive Men and Their Allies I used to feel close to his mom, but now she seems to hate me. I can’t even call up our friends anymore because they don’t want to get in the middle. Sometimes I feel like I must be the one who’s messed up because my own family sides with him. I don’t bother to call the police when he gets scary because he’s got buddies on the force who help him out. The custody evaluator reported to the court that I’m hysterical and that the children should live with him. WHY THE ABUSIVE MAN SEEKS ALLIES Controlling and intimidating a partner is not that easy…very few people willingly consent to having their rights systematically denied… One great way to keep people off her side is to win them over to his side first. Besides, he feels that he deserves allies because he considers himself the victim. The Abuser’s Relatives No one wants to believe that his or her own son or brother is an abusive man. Parents don’t want the finger pointed at them…abusive men are three times more likely than non-abusers to come from homes in which their father or stepfather abused their mother. And if the father or stepfather is abusive, he shares the son’s entitled attitudes and victim blaming tendencies. Family loyalty and collective denial of family problems are powerful binding agents…they oppose abuse in the abstract but they fight fiercely for the abuser when he is their own. The Abused Woman’s Relatives and Friends Every family has tensions in it and abusers use their manipulative skills to take advantage of those rifts. It is uncomfortable for a woman to tell her family the details of her partner’s abuse of her. She feels ashamed …the abuser can take advantage of how much her family doesn’t know. He is careful not to create the impression he’s bad-mouthing her while subtly planting his poisonous seeds. …he is playing to the societal value, still widely held, that a man’s abuse towards a woman is significantly less serious if she has behaved rudely herself. There continues to be social pressure on women to ‘make the relationship work’ and ‘find a way to hold the family together’ regardless of abuse. Since many people accept the misconception that abuse comes from bad relationship dynamics, they see the woman as sharing responsibility equally for ‘getting things to go better’. Into this concept steps the abuser, telling his partner’s friends ‘I still really want to work things out but she isn’t willing to try. I guess it isn’t worth the effort to her. And she’s refusing to look at her part in what went wrong; she puts it all on me’. What her family and friends may not know is that when an abused woman refuses to ‘look at her part’ in the abuse, she has actually taken a powerful step out of self-blame and toward emotional recovery. She doesn’t have any responsibility for his actions. Anyone who tries to get her to share responsibility is adopting the abuser’s perspective. Therapists and Evaluators We need to take a step back in time for a moment, to the early part of Freud’s era when modern psychology was born…This construct started a hundred year history in the mental health field of blaming victims for abuse perpetuated on them and outright discrediting of women’s and children’s reports of mistreatment by men. Once abuse was denied in this way, the stage was set for some psychologists to take the view that any violent or sexually exploitative behaviours that couldn’t be denied – because they were simply too obvious – should be considered mutually caused. Psychological literature is thus full of descriptions of young children who ‘seduce’ adults into sexual encounters and of women whose ‘provocative’ behaviour causes men to become violent or sexually assaultive of them. I wish I could say that these theories have since lost their influence but I can’t. The influence of the history of psychological thinking remains particularly potent in the field of custody evaluation, where mental health professionals routinely ignore or minimise allegations of partner abuse and child abuse, assume women are hysterical and vindictive and treat problems as mutual in origin. Similar kinds of errors abound in the work of many individual and couples therapists….Women speak to me with shocked voices of betrayal as they tell me how their couples therapist, or the abuser’s individual therapist, or a therapist for one of their children, has become a vocal advocate for him and the harsh superior critic of her. Outside the mainstream of psychological thinking there are many, many excellent practitioners and theorists, ones who take the impact of trauma and abuse seriously…But psychologists who are trained in the area of trauma remain exceptional… Before selecting a therapist for yourself or for your child, be sure to interview possible choices carefully, exploring their knowledge of and values concerning trauma and abuse. As for joint counselling for you and your abusive partner, I recommend you strictly avoid it… An Abuser’s New Partner as His Leading Ally …Look through her eyes for a moment. The abuser is re-creating the same dynamic he set up with you, beginning with loving, attentive treatment in the early months of dating. He speaks to her with downcast eyes that well up with tears as he recounts how mean and unreasonable you were and how you called him abusive whenever he refused to bow to your control…he cries in front of her about how much he misses them [his children] and says you are keeping them away from him out of pure vindictiveness… He may remain on good behaviour with the new girlfriend longer than he did with you because he is motivated by his campaign against you. Of course, his other side will slip out sooner or later but by that time he can blame it on how badly you have hurt him. His girlfriend thus gets sucked into breaking her back trying to prove that she’s a good woman – unlike you. She hopes that if she demonstrates her loyalty to him, he’ll become loving and available to her once again, as he was at the beginning. …what tends to happen is that his new partner becomes angrier and angrier at you for the way she is being treated by him, believing that you ‘made him this way’ by hurting him so badly. Other Abusers of Power as Allies of Abusive Men Partner abusers have no monopoly on the desire to intimidate or manipulate or on the skills for accumulating power and using it for selfish purposes or emotional gratification. Among professionals…there are some individuals who are motivated not by caring and respect but by hunger for control… People who are attracted to power and tend to abuse it have important common ground with a man who abuses women. Attorneys Some attorneys for abusers are in a class by themselves… I have rarely seen anyone become as vicious and unprincipled in the role of co-abuser of a man’s partner as certain lawyers do. The Myth of Neutrality In reality, to remain neutral is to collude with the abusive man, whether or not that is your goal. If you are aware of chronic or severe mistreatment and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place. Abusers interpret silence as approval, or at least as forgiveness. To abused women, meanwhile, the silence means that no one will help – just what her partner wants her to believe. Anyone who chooses to quietly look the other way therefore unwittingly becomes the abuser’s ally. Breaking the silence does not necessarily mean criticising or confronting the abuser regarding his behaviour. It certainly doesn’t mean going to him with anything you have learned from her, because the abuser will retaliate against her for talking about his behaviour to other people. It does mean telling the abused woman privately that you don’t like the way he is treating her and that she doesn’t deserve it, no matter what she has done. And if you see or hear violence or threats it means calling the police. HOW SOCIETY ADOPTS THE ABUSER’S PERSPECTIVE Almost anyone can become an ally of an abusive man by inadvertently adopting his perspective.
KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER:
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