Help! Need to call a "SR Family Meeting" :)
 

Hello....

I am coming here to get some input on a situation I am not sure how to proceed with....

My EXAH and I have been divorced since August of last year.
In the beginning of July (while EXAH and I were living apart) I met a man...
He and I have been dating almost 8 months now.
I have 2 children ages 4 and 6. They have met and spent time with my new boyfriend. They are very fond of him and he likes them as well. He has never spent the night while the kids have been home and I am really cautious when it comes to him and the kids. I have been up front with my kids as far as the relationship between my new bf and I are concerned.
My bf is a wonderful man. He is everything I have ever wanted. He is good to me and my kids and he is a responsible, respectful good person. I think he is an excellent role model for my son.

He currently rents a condo. His lease is up in June. Last night we got into a discussion about what our long term plans were going to be and the topic of living together came up. The first thing I thought was "OMG my ex is gonna die if he finds out my new BF is moving in" I was absolutely paralyzed with fear about how I would tell him I had a new man living in my house with our kids. I have been thinking about it all night and all day.

It's bothering me a lot because I am still letting my exah make decesions for me even though we are no longer together. He knows I have a bf, the kids talk about him all the time. He has never met my new bf, I have offered to introduce him and he has declined on several occasions. Do I need to force an introduction before I make any further moves?

I am also not sure if I am overlooking anything, I dont feel like I am rushing because by then it will be 11 months...For the first time in my life I am with someone who is healthy, who makes me healthy. When I see him my shoulders drop, my breathing slows and I feel secure and relaxed. When he comes over it just feels like he "fits" here. He helps out with the kids, helps around the house and always shows a sincere interest of wanting to be here.
He has a very good job and would be able to really lift the financial burden for me. Although I have a very good job as well I have always been the breadwinner, the caretaker and to be honest the thought of not having to do that anymore because someone else will be helping contribute to the bills is a dream come true. I work really hard for what I have with not a lot of extra left...with 2 incomes in my house my life would be so much more comfortable. Not to mention a partner around who wants to be here, and is a positive influence on my kids.

I just want to be sure I am not missing something. I guess first off I need to address the issue with my exah...is it an issue or is this my life and none of his business

Im all over the map on this one, but I need to make some important decesions soon.... What do ya think?

Thanks girls...and guys :)

I don't know where you're located, and my knowledge of family law is pretty limited to Texas. But I know that here in Texas, once you're divorced, your life is your own and your ex doesn't have much say in what you do unless it's a true detriment to the children involved, or if it involves moving out of state. The courts here don't care if people live together without being married. And if an ex tried to take his/her children away because the other parent was living with someone (a normal someone, that is), they wouldn't get very far.

But, like I said, I don't know where you are, so I don't know the family laws in your area.

I don’t know where you live or the stipulations in your divorce decree but here in the sticks divorce decree’s come with a “standard morality clause”. This clause states that cohabitation of unmarried couples is grounds for custody reversal.

Please check with your lawyer to see what the law is where you live.

Good luck!

I live in Michigan. It's not that I am worried about him trying to take the kids away or anything like that, I think it's more of a worry about what he will think of me. And what his family will say....
Since I have been dating my bf all of the terrible things EXAH did in our marriage have been overshadowed by the fact that I have a boyfriend. It's the hottest gossip with him his friends and his family, and being a codie I still care what everyone thinks...ugh.

Put it this way, if they (EXAH, his family and friends) were to meet my bf...really like him and give me their blessing I would not hesitate to move forward with this relationship. I know this is not reality and it will never happen. I also have to bring up I am way over cautious. I like to do things by the book, I have read all sorts of parenting books about this stuff, I am in therapy and I try to make the best decesions keeping my kids the first priority. I would never do anything to impact their lives in a negative way. The fact that I am even entertaining the idea of having my bf move in is a HUGE step for me.

There is not anything written in our divorce decree that says I cannot co- habitate (sp) with someone if I am not married.
As far as my exah is concerned he has 3 felonies, no drivers license, no job and lives with his mom. I don't think any court is going to give him custody of the kids.....

Really? In my situation, that would be soooo wonderful. I don't think Alaska has anything like that. Otherwise, the court would have said something about XAH living with his GF before we were divorced and remaining there, right? And when they had her come in and talk with the court about her plans if XAH relapses and how soon she let him move in with her and her boys after meeting him... Ah, well....

After checking with the legal statutes and making sure there's nothing like Hurtandangry mentioned; here's my 2 cents: I divorced XAH for a reason. Just like I have absolutely no say in what he does, who he sponges off of - I mean lives with - or where he works; he has absolutely no right to intrude on my relationship with any one.

Can I ask why you're so concerned about his and his family's opinion of your BF or of you? I ask this with full awareness that I still want XAH's sister and father to admit to me that yes their brother/son is abusive and I had every right to leave...

IMO, what really matters is that you're ready for this step and very carefully discuss it with your little ones. Dating is one thing. I know, though, (and it sounds like you know too) it's a huge change for them to see one of their parents sleeping in the same room as another partner.
:grouphug:

What's the rush?

What Smacked says. He may, in fact, be a wonderful person and man. If he is, he won't be offended if you want to wait. If he isn't, he'll pressure you to let him move in.

How he reacts to you suggesting you date longer before cohabitating will tell you much about his real character. I'm not saying test him by doing this-- that would be manipulative. What I'm saying is that 11 months is very, very fast, and the consequences of a bad decision will also profoundly affect your children.

My mom moved a guy in fast, and I got very close to him because he was a kick-ass father figure. A man's man. We fished, we played football, he taught me to drive, and gave me what turned out to be good advice about women. Those were some of the best times of my teen years. Ironically, given the advice he had given me, he turned out to be a controlling and possessive boyfriend and my mom had to dump him.

It was devastating to me.

Really, really, really think this through before moving him in.

Lastly, it would be good to know why he is attracted to you. I was attracted to my wife because she was a single mom with a little baby, and it was an opportunity for me to "save her and the baby." We moved in at about 11 months too. What a huge mistake we both made.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

agreed. what is the rush? if it was me, i'd keep my own place and spend time together as it suited both of us. actually, if it was me, i wouldn't be in a relationship so soon...as i need time to deal with how this disaster happened...consider having him renew his lease...worst case scenerio is that he sacrifices his downpayment if you change your mind...that's just money...

Please re-read OP's original post. She stated that her BF's lease is up in JUNE.

She is not in any hurry. She is doing the 'footwork' now, instead of waiting until the last minute. Looking at all the ramifications, how to tell her children, etc

FrogLegs, good for you for doing the footwork. You might want to check with a child therapist or two, or do some web searching to see how to eventually explain the possible new living arrangements to your children. As to the ex-in-laws, well ..................... phooey on them, you do not need their approval.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Again, good for you, starting to work on this now instead of waiting until the 'last minute'!!!!

Love and hugs,

This.

It's all that matters. Take everything else out of the equation. His lease, your finances, the ex's opinion, the ex in-laws opinion.......none of it matters. All that matters is what you wrote above.

If you narrow your focus and get really honest with yourself, using only the above criteria, you will make the best decision. Whatever that happens to be. :)

L

what does your therapist say?

i really hope your ready. i know i wouldnt be.

I don't know if you are though...you say you still let your ex run the show...well that says your not ready.
When YOU make all your own decisions (not those regarding the kids)... maybe then.

I think that you need to really be on your own before letting someone else step in and run the show....
not a good idea. But then again...I'm not feeling a whole lot of trust these days..lol...

I wouldn't worry about what the ex and his family think.

Here are a couple things you might want to consider, though. I've twice had boyfriends move in with me. When it went bad, it was hard for me (mainly from an emotional standpoint) to kick them out. I felt free-er to leave than to kick them out. (Once I did finally leave a place we had rented together, and the other time I finally DID kick the guy out, but wished I'd done it sooner). Hard to leave with two kids, and if it's YOUR home.

The other consideration is that it's a lot easier emotionally on you and the kids to break up if you aren't living together.

Only you can decide, of course, if it's worth the risk. If you're sure, then I wouldn't let what the ex and his family think stop you.

Thank you everyone for your replies.....

The common thread here seems to be "whats the rush?"....

I guess I really don't feel I am rushing into anything. From my perspective I am going to be 36 years old, he is going to be 38. Dating right now at our ages is alot different than it was when I was in my 20's. I guess I feel like I have been through so much in my life and I have learned so much that I am not in the "discovery" phase anymore. When you know, you know....
I went on many dates before I decided to "commit" to my current BF. This is what I dated...men who were unemployed, hated or did not want children, only wanted sex, were cheap, had a crazy ex, needed a "sugar mama" and the list goes on and on....I was really proud of myself that I was able to see their red flags and move on...I feel like the man I am dating is a great catch. Not only is he crazy about me, he's crazy about my kids, he's crazy about my dog, he works, he is responsible, he does not have children, he has never been married, he has good morals, well...now i'm just trying to sell him to you guys...I don't wanna do that

Anyway, he is not pressuring me at all. Our options are he either moves in with us or he buys his own house. Either way we will continue our relationship. The difficult part is if he buys his own home we have 2 houses....we live in Michigan we will not sell a house...plus it doesn't make sense if we know we want to be together why not?

M therapist suggests sitting the kids down and talking to them. I mentioned before that he has not spent he night yet...we are going to start there. He is gonna sleep on the couch until the kids get used to the idea and gradually move him upstairs with me. From what I read and what my therapist says kids under the age of 8 dont really understand the whole "sleeping with mom" thing....The kids ask every time he is over if he could spend the night. I have talked to them about it and they have no problems.....

Did I answer everything? I dont know how to get back to the responses.... :)

I know it is difficult to separate yourself from him and his family, and their opinions - but at the end of the day, YOUR children and YOUR opinions are what matter when it comes to this guy. Let go of the past, because it's over, and the opinions that lay there are not worth considering.
Say hello to today. :)

Just do what you feel is right for them, and for you.
It sounds like you are starting off on the right track, asking the right questions well in advance, so just keep asking and learning, and you will get where you need to be when you need to be there. :)

Do we get to vote? Cause if so, I vote for he gets his own place. I've been in a lot of relationships and that 'crazy for you' feeling is oxytocin, which dies down after about a year. Some people two years. You can google it to read more but basically, when in a new relationship like that, you're both high for a while. You're gonna lose the buzz and you don't know what you'll be left with when that happens. And if you're living together it's harder to get out if you feel the need.

Ummmm, I'm not sure I agree with this. DS was 4, almost 5, when he came home from a visit with his father and told me about daddy sleeping with GF. No he probably didn't understand the sex part, but he understood daddy and mommy used to sleep together and he wasn't liking GF being where mommy was 'supposed' to be. DS also knew enough to tell me that he wanted daddy to move in with us and I should let him because daddy wasn't sleeping with GF any more.

I'm not trying to talk you out of it. If you think you'll be ready in June, then you probably right. But even if their relationship with their dad is almost non-existent, they are going to have some feelings about even the greatest guy in the world sleeping in the same room or bed as their mom. And talking about it before hand is different than when it actually happens. Just something to keep in mind.

I'm old school. No boyfriends living with mom and her kids. I waited until we were married for him to move in with barely teenagers.
To each their own though!

I am also more old-school. I wouldn't move in until there was a ring on my finger. But hey...I also married an alcoholic second time round.

I think everyone here wonders whats the rush because it is a very, very pertinent question to be asking yourself. Yes, you're 36. I was 36. I think I felt this was the last ship sailing by and I'd better jump now or I might end up being the crazy cat lady living down the street that everyone is afraid of. I am now 39. Damn? How do I get here? Cause I am living single, again. Starting over, again. Saving for a down payment while I squat at Mom's again. I don't want to give up yet on my marriage but I don't have a heck of a lot of hope left, either. And I am left with the big question of "why did I do this again?". Everyday I ask myself that. Sucks.

And to top it all off, now I get to face my kids everyday. Feels like crap. I feel like I failed them, again. First their Dad, now him? They liked him, at first. He was perfect, at first.

I am so happy that you are happy. But be careful, if not for you, then for those kids. They do get attached so quickly and it hurts EVEN MORE to do it again after divorce #1.

Take good care - think it through very carefully because there really is no rush.

Froglegs, you don't have to answer anybody if you don't want to. You posted a really interesting question, and we are all sharing experience, strength, and hope. Some if it may resonate, some not. Some will inform, some won't, and you will make your own decisions.

That's where the "take what you want and leave the rest" comes from.

You take care, and best wishes with whatever decision you decide to make (as long as it's your decision).

Cyranoak

Kudos and more kudos for talking this over with your therapist and coming to the boards for some more outside opinions... pretty healthy imho.

NOw... don't shoot the messenger 'cuz I am gonna give it to you straight girl.

I am a little worried about the heavy dating scenario with a bunch of losers and then hooking up with "I think he is the one" in what appears to be a very short time window.

Am I missing something here? You started dating this guy a couple of months before your divorce was final with the ex in August? Were you seperated from hubby for a long while before your divorce when you were doing all the men you described who sound like the worst of the worst from match.com!
If your friends are fixing you up you need to fire them!

Not judging here ... I used to say if there was a roomful of people I would immediately be attracted to biggest loser in the room ... Mr. Magnetic personality with the twinkle in his eye and a trail of broken hearts behind him!
Yep... just call me the Queen of the scum magnets ... that being said and having kissed plenty of frogs I can report that A.) they NEVER spent the night nor did they move in. B.) My scumbag detector became a finely honed machine and I actually would ask potential dates if they minded a background check... needless to say my social calendar freed up considerably then...lol.

So...having qualified myself as having vast experience I am questioning why you jumped so quickly from the frying pan (bad marriage) to lots of dating activity to now wanting to move this guy in?

And I am wondering about your therapist a little bit... she is actually thinking this is a good plan for you?

Having spent a lot of time on the couch myself and minoring in psychology and studying the subject (trying to unravel my own issues) I have found that most couselors suggest that you don't enter into new relationships when you have kids for at least a year after a split or divorce. The year timeframe is also a number often used in AA when someone newly sober starts talking about starting a relationship.

And... whatever behavior you model is what you are teaching your kids ...they don't care what you say they SEE what you do. If you want your kids to hop into a live in relationship without the benefit of marriage after 8 months of blissful dating when they are teenagers just show them the way with your own behavior.

And why does potential significant other have to "buy a house" when he can rent for another 6 months or a year and you can really get to know oneanother? Trust me in the fact that he does have flaws and faults that early dating euphoria does not even allow for... time always tells if things are right or not.

And opinions do matter... the inlaws are grandparents and they are forever... this guy MAY be forever... however, statistically a relationship such as this has less than 50% chance of success. The time you have known him is short and he may be Prince Charming and you may live happily ever after or you can be smart and like Reagan used say "Trust but verify" (always loved that saying).

Check him out real good because once they move in the moving out gets sticky... as one poster pointed out its your house!

Besides... when they move in is when they start dropping their socks on the floor and expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Let him continue dating you and spoiling you during this special courthship time!

Take your ex and his family completely out of the equation, what he thiniks of this is not important.

what LTD says really: I understand his lease being up in June, which is an artificial deadline (although it's the sort of opportunity/challenge that comes up in real life) would you be planning to move in with him in june if his lease weren't up?

For me, personally, I'd want to date for longer than 8 months before starting to think about moving in together, and more than 11 months before doing it. I think I'd want to introduce the kids, and me, to spending more time with him over weekends, go on holiday a few times. Living together has challenges that can only be discovered and ironed out by living together, but I'd want to see how we all got on when together 24/7 for a number of 3, then 7 then 14 day periods first and after that honeymoon period had settled down into the normalcy of a relationship before judging if it was the right time to take that step (but then I've been burnt a number of times moving in with people quickly for financial/outside reasons).

I like what LTD says.

He's not pressuring you but...

either you move him in or he is making long-term plans for himself that include purchasing a house.
That isn't pressure?
It's a decision to make a major purchase that he will surely be saddled with for at least 5 years. There's no reselling houses in a hurry, especially in Michigan in this market.
For him to buy a house as the other option, seems like a WHOLE LOT OF PRESSURE TO ME!
He will be making plans for HIMSELF ALONE.
Just how much is he thinking about the two of you long-term if he's considering buying himself a house?
Is this an either do this or get ready for the "or else" situation?
The or else being something he would do for himself, not with any future prospects of your relationship.

Am I reading too much into this? I don't think so!

I think you need to concentrate only on what you want to do, especially since your kids like your BF and like being around him. Do you want him moving in and living with you? Do you like the idea of waking up next to him every morning, falling asleep in his arms every night? You don't owe anything to your XAH or his family. Your decisions shouldn't be based on what they think or feel.
I also think there is a another big Codie issue here, and that is our need to always know the outcome of every situation in our life, we always need insurance that the every decision we make is going to lead us to happy ever after. We forget that life doesn't come with much garantee, we can never be 100% sure, we can only do what is best for us today, and than keep working on it every day that comes. If we start the relationship we should stay in it utill it works once it stops we make new decisions that work for us that day of our lives, at least that is how I see it.
I left my STBXAH few months ago, the divorce will be final in few months. Since than I've met someone else, someone whose company I really much enjoy, someone who by being present in my life is making me feel myself again and normal again. My kids (12 and 7 yo) are crazy about him. I see clearly they need him in the same way I do. he spends a lot of time in our home, and my kids are the ones that always ask if he can stay over and spend the night. often he does. He sleeps with me and my 7 yo son comes over during the night and sleeps with us. My 12 yo D confides in him and often asks him for advice. My point: I guess all 3 of us have been missing having a normal family for a long time now. This is what we need right now and this is working for us today. IMHO that is the all that matters.
I don't pretend to know what will happen, my BF might as well turn out to really be the person that will stay in our family or maybe he will not. The time will tell. If it doesn't work out between us, my kids and me will be fine. I know that since we speak openly about everything. Lately I found out the kids bounce back quickly, much faster than I ever thought.
I know there are many people out there that will not agree with me or approve of what I do, but that is OK. As since I found out I don't owe anything to anyone but myself and my kids, my life became much more simpler and much happier. I guess since I've started trusting my HP and started taking what is being ofered to me good things have started to happen. What needs to be will be, and that is fine with me, as life consists of both good and bad things, but if there is a one thing I know for sure that is I will never again deprive myself of happy today for the fear of what tomorrow might bring, as that is the very thing that kept me stuck in my hell of the marriage for years. I just plan to live my life and I believe as long as I have my kids best interest and my own set as priority we'll be fine.
Also I know for sure I'll be making mistakes but they are part of life too, but IMO that is much better than not living my life at all for the fear of making them.

Well, this is my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest.

I hate to sound harsh and that is not my intention at all, but I think deep down when you are asking this question you only want to hear what you want to hear, that moving in with this guy is a good idea. This is common, I think a lot of times when people ask for advice they have already made up their mind and just want validation. But truly, moving in with someone this soon is a poor idea and odds are, it won't end well. People's minds do get so clouded by being in a new relationship (and this IS a new relationship) that judgement is poor. This is why people get married four times or have children with five different fathers. Love makes us act foolish and we often repeat mistakes.

I have an AH who is pretty much dying from his addiction right now and I have to say, we had an amazing relationship for a long time. I was SO in love with him and had such a good time with him when we met. Now that I look back on the first few years of our relationship, there are many red flags, but I could not see them at the time. Or the ones I did see, I made excuses for. I think all of us on this forum can understand how that goes.

Anyway, best of luck to you.

We're all different. We all recover at different rates. What may be way too fast for some, may be the perfect time for others.

I started dating quite soon after I left my ex, but it was dating... dipping my toe in the water, finding out about what I wanted, honing my little voice and my red flag meter. It'll be 2 years in a couple of weeks and I'm nearly 3 months into my current relationship. Do I know this guy is good for me? Do I know this is going anywhere? Do I know if it's forever or just temporary? No.. no..no.. I don't know anything with 100% certainty, BUT, that's the same for any relationship and has little to do with my experience of having loved an A.

Getting involved romantically with someone is always a 'risk', it always comes with unknowns.. the best you can ever hope for is you have all the tools at your disposal to ensure you have the wisdom and strength to leave if that is what is best for you. Just make sure you go in with your eyes wide open and always with the interests of you and your little ones as the paramount concern.

Good luck :)

Tx

ETA: I'd move in with my boyf in a heartbeat (3 months in... shocking!)

I like what everyone has to say. Makes a lot of sense to me.
I am in agreement with most of it. I am not making a major decesion right now, and I think based on the feedback I have gotten here and thinking things through I have come up with a plan.
When I really really think about it my main reasons for having my bf move in would be financial. When I really really think about it I am not sure I am ready to deal with sharing my home with someone so soon....Yes, money is tight but thats probably not a good reason to move someone into your house. I have handled it this far, whats another year or so. I like the idea of having him spend the night, a couple nights, take a vacation together and so on. This would be a good way to see how he really interacts with my family and vice versa. I think that was a really good point. We haven't spent more than the Tuesday and Friday nights he comes over until 10:00 and goes home..what would it be like if he was here more than that...I need to try that out first.
I guess that is right, if he is going to buy a house or a condo, so be it. I really dont think he is using this as a means of threat or anything. He lives with his sister right now, he moved back home from California last year and wasn't sure what his plans were so moved in with her. He can continue to live with her or he can get his own place. He has said if we do end up getting married/moving in together he could rent his home out if he buys one. I think he is still thinking long term even if we dont move in together

It's still 4 months away and a lot can happen in 4 months.
I appreciate the feedback, I like to get different perspectives.

Good! You sounds really reasonable. He might end up being the love of your life and it might all be wonderful...or not. I think it's great just to take it day by day and don't rush for the wrong reasons. I hope it all works out well for you!

I would be reluctant to let my kids get too close to a father figure without my being married to him. But that's just me.

Hi froglegs...I like your plan. It sounds...careful and "open".

In certain respects, I'm in the same boat as you. I started seeing my bf a mere 4 months after leaving XAH. There's no sugar coating it; I got into dating quickly. To be fair, I've had a crush on my boyfriend for the last decade or so, but still, it was fast and I can't change that.

However, we still only see each other once or twice at week, at most. We have spent a 10 day summer vacation together, but aside from that, we cannot see each other more than once a week on a regular basis. My life is *busy* with FT work, parenting a little one, graduate work, and his is *busier* with teaching, writing music and managing a band, and all the various responsibilities he takes on.

Also, a big deterrent to moving too fast: I live with my parents. We're buying a duplex together this year, and I don't plan on choosing an area that will be convenient for my boyfriend. I also don't plan on relying on him to move in to help me with the mortgage. I don't ever want to be in the position of relying on ANY man for money. And, my daughter has gotten used to having three adults around to parent her. I refuse to yank her away from that so that I can go move in with my boyfriend. So, life, or HP is forcing me to take things slowly. It's frustrating at times, but I trust in HP that there's a good reason for this.