froglegs

Hello....

I am coming here to get some input on a situation I am not sure how to proceed with....

My EXAH and I have been divorced since August of last year.
In the beginning of July (while EXAH and I were living apart) I met a man...
He and I have been dating almost 8 months now.
I have 2 children ages 4 and 6. They have met and spent time with my new boyfriend. They are very fond of him and he likes them as well. He has never spent the night while the kids have been home and I am really cautious when it comes to him and the kids. I have been up front with my kids as far as the relationship between my new bf and I are concerned.
My bf is a wonderful man. He is everything I have ever wanted. He is good to me and my kids and he is a responsible, respectful good person. I think he is an excellent role model for my son.

He currently rents a condo. His lease is up in June. Last night we got into a discussion about what our long term plans were going to be and the topic of living together came up. The first thing I thought was "OMG my ex is gonna die if he finds out my new BF is moving in" I was absolutely paralyzed with fear about how I would tell him I had a new man living in my house with our kids. I have been thinking about it all night and all day.

It's bothering me a lot because I am still letting my exah make decesions for me even though we are no longer together. He knows I have a bf, the kids talk about him all the time. He has never met my new bf, I have offered to introduce him and he has declined on several occasions. Do I need to force an introduction before I make any further moves?

I am also not sure if I am overlooking anything, I dont feel like I am rushing because by then it will be 11 months...For the first time in my life I am with someone who is healthy, who makes me healthy. When I see him my shoulders drop, my breathing slows and I feel secure and relaxed. When he comes over it just feels like he "fits" here. He helps out with the kids, helps around the house and always shows a sincere interest of wanting to be here.
He has a very good job and would be able to really lift the financial burden for me. Although I have a very good job as well I have always been the breadwinner, the caretaker and to be honest the thought of not having to do that anymore because someone else will be helping contribute to the bills is a dream come true. I work really hard for what I have with not a lot of extra left...with 2 incomes in my house my life would be so much more comfortable. Not to mention a partner around who wants to be here, and is a positive influence on my kids.

I just want to be sure I am not missing something. I guess first off I need to address the issue with my exah...is it an issue or is this my life and none of his business

Im all over the map on this one, but I need to make some important decesions soon.... What do ya think?

Thanks girls...and guys

infiniti

I don't know where you're located, and my knowledge of family law is pretty limited to Texas. But I know that here in Texas, once you're divorced, your life is your own and your ex doesn't have much say in what you do unless it's a true detriment to the children involved, or if it involves moving out of state. The courts here don't care if people live together without being married. And if an ex tried to take his/her children away because the other parent was living with someone (a normal someone, that is), they wouldn't get very far.

But, like I said, I don't know where you are, so I don't know the family laws in your area.

hurtandangry

I don’t know where you live or the stipulations in your divorce decree but here in the sticks divorce decree’s come with a “standard morality clause”. This clause states that cohabitation of unmarried couples is grounds for custody reversal.

Please check with your lawyer to see what the law is where you live.

Good luck!

froglegs

I live in Michigan. It's not that I am worried about him trying to take the kids away or anything like that, I think it's more of a worry about what he will think of me. And what his family will say....
Since I have been dating my bf all of the terrible things EXAH did in our marriage have been overshadowed by the fact that I have a boyfriend. It's the hottest gossip with him his friends and his family, and being a codie I still care what everyone thinks...ugh.

Put it this way, if they (EXAH, his family and friends) were to meet my bf...really like him and give me their blessing I would not hesitate to move forward with this relationship. I know this is not reality and it will never happen. I also have to bring up I am way over cautious. I like to do things by the book, I have read all sorts of parenting books about this stuff, I am in therapy and I try to make the best decesions keeping my kids the first priority. I would never do anything to impact their lives in a negative way. The fact that I am even entertaining the idea of having my bf move in is a HUGE step for me.

froglegs

There is not anything written in our divorce decree that says I cannot co- habitate (sp) with someone if I am not married.
As far as my exah is concerned he has 3 felonies, no drivers license, no job and lives with his mom. I don't think any court is going to give him custody of the kids.....

theuncertainty

Really? In my situation, that would be soooo wonderful. I don't think Alaska has anything like that. Otherwise, the court would have said something about XAH living with his GF before we were divorced and remaining there, right? And when they had her come in and talk with the court about her plans if XAH relapses and how soon she let him move in with her and her boys after meeting him... Ah, well....

After checking with the legal statutes and making sure there's nothing like Hurtandangry mentioned; here's my 2 cents: I divorced XAH for a reason. Just like I have absolutely no say in what he does, who he sponges off of - I mean lives with - or where he works; he has absolutely no right to intrude on my relationship with any one.

Can I ask why you're so concerned about his and his family's opinion of your BF or of you? I ask this with full awareness that I still want XAH's sister and father to admit to me that yes their brother/son is abusive and I had every right to leave...

IMO, what really matters is that you're ready for this step and very carefully discuss it with your little ones. Dating is one thing. I know, though, (and it sounds like you know too) it's a huge change for them to see one of their parents sleeping in the same room as another partner.

smacked

What's the rush?

Cyranoak

What Smacked says. He may, in fact, be a wonderful person and man. If he is, he won't be offended if you want to wait. If he isn't, he'll pressure you to let him move in.

How he reacts to you suggesting you date longer before cohabitating will tell you much about his real character. I'm not saying test him by doing this-- that would be manipulative. What I'm saying is that 11 months is very, very fast, and the consequences of a bad decision will also profoundly affect your children.

My mom moved a guy in fast, and I got very close to him because he was a kick-ass father figure. A man's man. We fished, we played football, he taught me to drive, and gave me what turned out to be good advice about women. Those were some of the best times of my teen years. Ironically, given the advice he had given me, he turned out to be a controlling and possessive boyfriend and my mom had to dump him.

It was devastating to me.

Really, really, really think this through before moving him in.

Lastly, it would be good to know why he is attracted to you. I was attracted to my wife because she was a single mom with a little baby, and it was an opportunity for me to "save her and the baby." We moved in at about 11 months too. What a huge mistake we both made.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

naive

agreed. what is the rush? if it was me, i'd keep my own place and spend time together as it suited both of us. actually, if it was me, i wouldn't be in a relationship so soon...as i need time to deal with how this disaster happened...consider having him renew his lease...worst case scenerio is that he sacrifices his downpayment if you change your mind...that's just money...

laurie6781

Please re-read OP's original post. She stated that her BF's lease is up in JUNE.

She is not in any hurry. She is doing the 'footwork' now, instead of waiting until the last minute. Looking at all the ramifications, how to tell her children, etc

FrogLegs, good for you for doing the footwork. You might want to check with a child therapist or two, or do some web searching to see how to eventually explain the possible new living arrangements to your children. As to the ex-in-laws, well ..................... phooey on them, you do not need their approval.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Again, good for you, starting to work on this now instead of waiting until the 'last minute'!!!!

Love and hugs,

LaTeeDa

This.

It's all that matters. Take everything else out of the equation. His lease, your finances, the ex's opinion, the ex in-laws opinion.......none of it matters. All that matters is what you wrote above.

If you narrow your focus and get really honest with yourself, using only the above criteria, you will make the best decision. Whatever that happens to be.

L

blwninthewind

what does your therapist say?

i really hope your ready. i know i wouldnt be.

I don't know if you are though...you say you still let your ex run the show...well that says your not ready.
When YOU make all your own decisions (not those regarding the kids)... maybe then.

I think that you need to really be on your own before letting someone else step in and run the show....
not a good idea. But then again...I'm not feeling a whole lot of trust these days..lol...

LexieCat

I wouldn't worry about what the ex and his family think.

Here are a couple things you might want to consider, though. I've twice had boyfriends move in with me. When it went bad, it was hard for me (mainly from an emotional standpoint) to kick them out. I felt free-er to leave than to kick them out. (Once I did finally leave a place we had rented together, and the other time I finally DID kick the guy out, but wished I'd done it sooner). Hard to leave with two kids, and if it's YOUR home.

The other consideration is that it's a lot easier emotionally on you and the kids to break up if you aren't living together.

Only you can decide, of course, if it's worth the risk. If you're sure, then I wouldn't let what the ex and his family think stop you.

froglegs

Thank you everyone for your replies.....

The common thread here seems to be "whats the rush?"....

I guess I really don't feel I am rushing into anything. From my perspective I am going to be 36 years old, he is going to be 38. Dating right now at our ages is alot different than it was when I was in my 20's. I guess I feel like I have been through so much in my life and I have learned so much that I am not in the "discovery" phase anymore. When you know, you know....
I went on many dates before I decided to "commit" to my current BF. This is what I dated...men who were unemployed, hated or did not want children, only wanted sex, were cheap, had a crazy ex, needed a "sugar mama" and the list goes on and on....I was really proud of myself that I was able to see their red flags and move on...I feel like the man I am dating is a great catch. Not only is he crazy about me, he's crazy about my kids, he's crazy about my dog, he works, he is responsible, he does not have children, he has never been married, he has good morals, well...now i'm just trying to sell him to you guys...I don't wanna do that

Anyway, he is not pressuring me at all. Our options are he either moves in with us or he buys his own house. Either way we will continue our relationship. The difficult part is if he buys his own home we have 2 houses....we live in Michigan we will not sell a house...plus it doesn't make sense if we know we want to be together why not?

M therapist suggests sitting the kids down and talking to them. I mentioned before that he has not spent he night yet...we are going to start there. He is gonna sleep on the couch until the kids get used to the idea and gradually move him upstairs with me. From what I read and what my therapist says kids under the age of 8 dont really understand the whole "sleeping with mom" thing....The kids ask every time he is over if he could spend the night. I have talked to them about it and they have no problems.....

Did I answer everything? I dont know how to get back to the responses....

StarCat

I know it is difficult to separate yourself from him and his family, and their opinions - but at the end of the day, YOUR children and YOUR opinions are what matter when it comes to this guy. Let go of the past, because it's over, and the opinions that lay there are not worth considering.
Say hello to today.

Just do what you feel is right for them, and for you.
It sounds like you are starting off on the right track, asking the right questions well in advance, so just keep asking and learning, and you will get where you need to be when you need to be there.

Learn2Live

Do we get to vote? Cause if so, I vote for he gets his own place. I've been in a lot of relationships and that 'crazy for you' feeling is oxytocin, which dies down after about a year. Some people two years. You can google it to read more but basically, when in a new relationship like that, you're both high for a while. You're gonna lose the buzz and you don't know what you'll be left with when that happens. And if you're living together it's harder to get out if you feel the need.

theuncertainty

Ummmm, I'm not sure I agree with this. DS was 4, almost 5, when he came home from a visit with his father and told me about daddy sleeping with GF. No he probably didn't understand the sex part, but he understood daddy and mommy used to sleep together and he wasn't liking GF being where mommy was 'supposed' to be. DS also knew enough to tell me that he wanted daddy to move in with us and I should let him because daddy wasn't sleeping with GF any more.

I'm not trying to talk you out of it. If you think you'll be ready in June, then you probably right. But even if their relationship with their dad is almost non-existent, they are going to have some feelings about even the greatest guy in the world sleeping in the same room or bed as their mom. And talking about it before hand is different than when it actually happens. Just something to keep in mind.

brokenheartfool

I'm old school. No boyfriends living with mom and her kids. I waited until we were married for him to move in with barely teenagers.
To each their own though!

Tuffgirl

I am also more old-school. I wouldn't move in until there was a ring on my finger. But hey...I also married an alcoholic second time round.

I think everyone here wonders whats the rush because it is a very, very pertinent question to be asking yourself. Yes, you're 36. I was 36. I think I felt this was the last ship sailing by and I'd better jump now or I might end up being the crazy cat lady living down the street that everyone is afraid of. I am now 39. Damn? How do I get here? Cause I am living single, again. Starting over, again. Saving for a down payment while I squat at Mom's again. I don't want to give up yet on my marriage but I don't have a heck of a lot of hope left, either. And I am left with the big question of "why did I do this again?". Everyday I ask myself that. Sucks.

And to top it all off, now I get to face my kids everyday. Feels like crap. I feel like I failed them, again. First their Dad, now him? They liked him, at first. He was perfect, at first.

I am so happy that you are happy. But be careful, if not for you, then for those kids. They do get attached so quickly and it hurts EVEN MORE to do it again after divorce #1.

Take good care - think it through very carefully because there really is no rush.

Cyranoak

Froglegs, you don't have to answer anybody if you don't want to. You posted a really interesting question, and we are all sharing experience, strength, and hope. Some if it may resonate, some not. Some will inform, some won't, and you will make your own decisions.

That's where the "take what you want and leave the rest" comes from.

You take care, and best wishes with whatever decision you decide to make (as long as it's your decision).

Cyranoak