Question
 

Is there any point in telling an alcoholic how you feel?

ooh! good question! I'm not sure myself, never seems to hear me but I'm not sure if it's the alcoholic or the man. can't wait to hear the answers

In my experience? No. He only used that to hurt me further - when he bothered to listen at all.

It drives you effing mad because i have a lot i need to get out which i have got out with other ppl like my mum and family but it doesnt really make me feel any better, i need to move forward and it is hard without actually telling the person who caused all this heartache in the first place!

I think the answer has to relate to what your expectations are. Will you be able to get your point across? What do you expect the result to be if you do make your point? And will you be resentful if your words just sail in one ear and out the other? Will you feel better for expressing yourself regardless of what the outcome is?

Sadly, AH is not exactly Mr. Empathy. So airing my feelings to him is usually a well-thought-out exercise, not something spontaneous.

:c021: sadly enough i want him to realise what he is doing to himself and me,and i know deep down that isnt possible because if it was then alcoholism would have been cured years ago, damn looks like i got the answer to my question.

ghirl xx

Toby Rice Drews-trying to reason with an active alcoholic is like trying to reason with an insane person. Or words to that effect.

In the same book, she observes that alcoholism is a primary mental illness.

That being said, just we do/did. Explain ourselves, point out the error of their ways, etc, etc, etc.

I can remember telling my ex on more than one occasion that she was probably as tired or hearing it as I was saying it, and it was true, for me at least.

There is a sticky here about talking with an alcoholic/addict, paraphrasing, it points out how the addiction is so central to their being, they view any attempt at reasoning as an attack. I think that they do know, I know I did long before I stopped drinking.

Say it once.

It never helped me. I told him in counseling, with the counselor there. Several times, several counselors, over several years, actually. That helps ME see how long and how hard I tried. Writing him a letter that I didn't give or in my journal helped ME see how much longer I stayed when the situtaion never changed - except to deteriorate.

Telling my AH how I felt only served to alienate him and increase my frustration with my marriage and with him. That wasn't really helpful to anyone.

Sorry.

It never did for me. That said, when I did have to communicate with her the only time I could do it was the rare times she was sober. Saying anything when she was drunk was almost always a waste of time and effort.

Cyranoak

My boyfriend would quietly tell me ...you need to do something..you need to figure out how to quit..you need to make a plan. I got angry a lot. He wouldn't say much more about it except occasionally remind me he had already lost his dad to alcohol and didn't want to lose me to it too. He always made it known he would do anything needed to help me quit.
Those quiet comments slowly seeped into my soggy (very soggy after nearly 30 years of mostly heavy drinking) brain.
I think it was good he said something to me. Even if I hadn't quit drinking at least he would know he did what he felt he had to do/say. He didn't want me angry and upset, but he couldn't just let me keep killing myself without speaking up.

See, there's a difference, though... It's one thing to tell someone they need to quit drinking. That won't work right away, but sometimes it does seep in (and sometimes it doesn't). When I talked to him about quitting he was actually usually civil.
But that's not telling the alcoholic how I feel, that's just noting that there's a problem.

Trying to talk to XABF about how I felt only left me open for him to attack and tear me down more. When I tried to talk to him about the impact it was having on me or on our relationship or how I felt... He'd attack me, and twist it, and tell me it was all my fault, and use everything he could think of to hurt me, etc, etc. It wasn't about him anymore, and that wasn't allowed.

I am crying my eyes out,im sick and i know that whatever i say to him isnt going to make any difference but it still kills me not to say it!

But when i think abt it i really wouldnt know what to say anyway,he is a very angry person,but i just wish i could get through to him but i cant and it breaks my bloody heart.

ghirl xx

I'm sorry celticghirl...I know how hard it is to accept.

Someone on SR said this to me once and it kind of stuck:
"I never changed anyone with my words"

I love words. I generally tend to thinkt they have power. But when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic, I had to accept that my words and my tears didn't mean a thing. I had to find my validation internally.

Oh I know. For a long time I clung to the belief that I just had not found the right combination yet. Just keep tweaking what I did or said and he'd 'get' it. As you know - it doesn't work that way though. It isn't us.

In hindsight I think I was trying to get through to myself as much as i was him. You might find it helpful to write letters to him - probably one's you never give him. Get it out, get it said, let it make sense to *you* and it might be easier to let go of the false beliefs.

It hurts too much,its only started to hit me now,really bloody hurts, i don't know if i can take this anymore.

He only started texting me the other day saying happy early valentines day! which tells me he is drinking again and i can't bear it.

ghirl xx

Celticgirl-

My wife told me how she felt many times, and I never listened. But now that I'm sober, I do remember everything she said, and how she was hurting, and how she felt. It helps me- now that I'm sober- to remember things like that. That is one of the things that I think about whenever I think about going back to drinking.

Zube

Aww, cg ((((hugs)))) This bit is soooo crap, isn't it? Just when you thought that all the heartache was over, all the crud gets stirred up from the bottom.

I get it. I felt that way too. Still do, on occasions when I am feeling below par, truth be told, and I am a long time out. I think it's a yin/yang thing - if I could just get him to listen and understand (and change), then all the crap will have been worth it. Otherwise, I went through all of that for nothing.

Of course, those thoughts are based on nonsense. I said it all before, but he didn't listen then. There isn't another way to say it so that he'll get it - it's not my communication skills that are at fault here! Also, his recovery will never be worth what I went through. This isn't a zero-sum game where he wins, I lose.

IIRC, your ex was majorly abusive and violent. The alcohol is but a side issue. Whatever it takes, you have to come to terms with the fact that people like that are not affected by words. They are not even much affected by actions. All you can do is protect yourself from them. Opening yourself up in terms of the hurt that they caused you will only serve as an opening for them to hurt you more, even if it is simply by ignoring you pur your heart out. And just add to their file of injustices against them.

Have you written a letter to him and then burnt it? Beaten a pillow until you can beat it no more? Made an effigy of him and stuck pins in it?

And block his number!!!!!

Bolina is right...a cleansing exercise would help a great deal...I also heartily recommend doing some physical activity to get all this angst out. I'm a former dancer and I get A LOT out of going to these African dance classes once a week.

And yes, PLEASE, cut contact with him. You don't need the added trigger of text messages. It's time to stop focusing on him and turn the focus on you.

What makes you happy? What pleases you? Is it...chocolate? Or...a nice soak in the tub with a good novel in hand?

Time to treat yourself nicely for a little while celticghirl. You need this.

I know all this but still i cannot seperate the alcohol from the violence and i continually blame alcohol for his violence!
I miss him and really cant bear to hear that one day he might be dead and maybe there is something i could have done!
I know its stupid but i don't know what else to do, i can't get him out of my head no matter what he has done to me and my family.
Did i really do all this for nothing ?

I really don't know what i like anymore,i lost myself years ago and do not know how to get it back xx

But it wasn't alcohol that got violent, it was him! Who on earth does he think he is, hiding behind a crutch and taking it out physically on those around him?

We all wind up dead. That is the fundamental fact of life. A grown adult, with repercussions coming out of his ears (didn't he go to jail?) and hasn't started to take any responsibility? Away with him, I say. He is not worth the *hit on your shoes.

No, you didn't do it for nothing. What you have been through has made you see the world in a different way. Same as any other life experience, good or bad. And you will continue to grow, unlike him who is perpetually in the terrible twos.

What do you think you could do to stop him on his path? And what makes you think that you have any responsibility, or right for that matter, to interfere?

I feel for you. It's so hard when you feel like you are a shell and don't know who you are anymore. He will not make you whole again, because he has a vested interest in you not being so. You do, though.

Do you have any help, like a counsellor or an AA sponsor?

Ahah, but this can be a lot of fun...time to try stuff. Go get a pedicure and have them draw a cute little design on your toe. OR get a nice hour-long massage. OR go to a book store and give yourself permission to browse every section that peaks your interest. OR try a new activity, like painting, meditation/yoga, writing, singing in a choire, line dancing, cooking classes...anything new!

This is a journey celticghirl, where you begin to develop a relationship with the most important person in your life: you!

I havent as yet gone for any outside help but i am thinking now maybe i should because this pain is getting to much for me to bear,so much so that i feel like drinking which i know is not something i will enjoy so atleast i know that much.

I feel like such a failure if i do go and get outside help,even though i know deep down i need it!
Just like i knew deep down i had to leave him and didnt want to!!

ghirl xx

Admitting you need some help is not a failing, it's a strength. Would you think that your ex was a failure for going to AA or seeking therapy?

No i wouldnt see him as a failure i would just think he hasnt got it yet and that makes me sad.
How long am i gonna be sad for him? (instead of feeling sad for me)

Ghirl xx

Give yourself a break celticghirl! All this is super recent.

Yes, please get some outside support. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to someone and say "I need some help!". Try to remember that.

<gentle voice> Maybe you haven't got it yet and need a bit of help?

I understand completely that feeling of not wanting to focus on me because, heck, if I did then I would just fall apart. Perhaps you need someone to catch you if you do?

To answer the OP, I don't think there is a point.... at least not in my experience.

When I felt bad about this inability for him to realize the obvious, someone here told me that is exactly why I needed to stay away. If a person is unable to put himself in the shoes of someone else, he lacks empathy (addict or not) and there is no way I can share my emotions with someone who is unable to imagine how it is like for me- or even make the slightest effort.

I am very humane, very able to understand other perspectives, I deserve nothing less than what I can give (ability to listen, sensibility). It helps when you write down all what you bring to the table. Anyone else that doesn't have the same qualities or more.... may not be worth your time........ we are aiming for 50/50 here...

(((hugs for celtic)))

Hugs, Celticghirl. I can completely relate. I remember wanting so badly to tell XAH just what he did to me and how it hurt. I kind of got a chance to do that with the divorce when I submitted an affidavit outlining what life with him was like as a reason why I should have custody of our son.

If he read it, it didn't register. I seriously doubt he read it though, because he told the judge that he read it 'a long time ago' and didn't remember it, but it was all lies. He has no clue how much he has hurt me and our DS. Or if he does have a clue that he hurt us, there's no way he's going to own up to his actions as being hurtful.

After getting a small sample of the abuse written out and him still not seeing it, I thought, "Well, OK, maybe if he'll just admit he did it, I can feel better." I waited for the day of our hearing.

The hearing came. He admitted in round about ways while still denying any responsibility. "Well, maybe, I acted that way, but I was drinking." "Well, yeah, I did that, but it was during the game, I know she waited to try to clean until the games started and did it on purpose, so I got mad, but it was her fault." "Well, yeah, maybe I did that once, but then I realized how much it hurt her and I stopped."

It doesn't help me feel any better. It doesn't help me feel any more validated in the truth that YES, HE DID THESE THINGS. It helped a little when the judge told him, "You, sir, are abusive. You have treated this woman as a piece of luggage." "This court is concerned that you will teach your son to treat women the same way."

What is helping me is talking to my counselor. And I write a lot of letters to XAH and burn them. Or I type out a lot of letters, save them for a day and then delete them the next day without reading them. Some times the letters are simply filled top to bottom with the words "I hate you" in big dark letters, sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm writing to him or to myself.

I think sometimes that I'm still waiting for him to admit what he did. To truly admit his actions and that they hurt me and DS, not that we were too sensitive, not that we asked for it, not for...whatever twisted sh-t he's told himself to make it OK. To truly see that what HE DID was hurtful. And then to feel sorry that he did this not to just any human beings, but to his wife and his child, who he should have loved, cherished, been a source of shelter for.

I know with my head that acknowledgement and remorse will never come, but my heart or psyche (?) still thinks it needs that. The writing and talking really helps. I've also picked up a sketch book and some dark, bold graphite pencils, maybe I'll be able to draw and get it out that way.

Hugs, Celticghirl. Keep safe. Wishing you continued strength, peace and safety.