Question
It drives you effing mad because i have a lot i need to get out which i have got out with other ppl like my mum and family but it doesnt really make me feel any better, i need to move forward and it is hard without actually telling the person who caused all this heartache in the first place!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 33
I think the answer has to relate to what your expectations are. Will you be able to get your point across? What do you expect the result to be if you do make your point? And will you be resentful if your words just sail in one ear and out the other? Will you feel better for expressing yourself regardless of what the outcome is?
Sadly, AH is not exactly Mr. Empathy. So airing my feelings to him is usually a well-thought-out exercise, not something spontaneous.
Sadly, AH is not exactly Mr. Empathy. So airing my feelings to him is usually a well-thought-out exercise, not something spontaneous.
I think the answer has to relate to what your expectations are. Will you be able to get your point across? What do you expect the result to be if you do make your point? And will you be resentful if your words just sail in one ear and out the other? Will you feel better for expressing yourself regardless of what the outcome is?
Sadly, AH is not exactly Mr. Empathy. So airing my feelings to him is usually a well-thought-out exercise, not something spontaneous.
Sadly, AH is not exactly Mr. Empathy. So airing my feelings to him is usually a well-thought-out exercise, not something spontaneous.
ghirl xx
Toby Rice Drews-trying to reason with an active alcoholic is like trying to reason with an insane person. Or words to that effect.
In the same book, she observes that alcoholism is a primary mental illness.
That being said, just we do/did. Explain ourselves, point out the error of their ways, etc, etc, etc.
I can remember telling my ex on more than one occasion that she was probably as tired or hearing it as I was saying it, and it was true, for me at least.
There is a sticky here about talking with an alcoholic/addict, paraphrasing, it points out how the addiction is so central to their being, they view any attempt at reasoning as an attack. I think that they do know, I know I did long before I stopped drinking.
Say it once.
In the same book, she observes that alcoholism is a primary mental illness.
That being said, just we do/did. Explain ourselves, point out the error of their ways, etc, etc, etc.
I can remember telling my ex on more than one occasion that she was probably as tired or hearing it as I was saying it, and it was true, for me at least.
There is a sticky here about talking with an alcoholic/addict, paraphrasing, it points out how the addiction is so central to their being, they view any attempt at reasoning as an attack. I think that they do know, I know I did long before I stopped drinking.
Say it once.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
It never helped me. I told him in counseling, with the counselor there. Several times, several counselors, over several years, actually. That helps ME see how long and how hard I tried. Writing him a letter that I didn't give or in my journal helped ME see how much longer I stayed when the situtaion never changed - except to deteriorate.
Telling my AH how I felt only served to alienate him and increase my frustration with my marriage and with him. That wasn't really helpful to anyone.
Sorry.
Telling my AH how I felt only served to alienate him and increase my frustration with my marriage and with him. That wasn't really helpful to anyone.
Sorry.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It never did for me. That said, when I did have to communicate with her the only time I could do it was the rare times she was sober. Saying anything when she was drunk was almost always a waste of time and effort.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
My boyfriend would quietly tell me ...you need to do something..you need to figure out how to quit..you need to make a plan. I got angry a lot. He wouldn't say much more about it except occasionally remind me he had already lost his dad to alcohol and didn't want to lose me to it too. He always made it known he would do anything needed to help me quit.
Those quiet comments slowly seeped into my soggy (very soggy after nearly 30 years of mostly heavy drinking) brain.
I think it was good he said something to me. Even if I hadn't quit drinking at least he would know he did what he felt he had to do/say. He didn't want me angry and upset, but he couldn't just let me keep killing myself without speaking up.
Those quiet comments slowly seeped into my soggy (very soggy after nearly 30 years of mostly heavy drinking) brain.
I think it was good he said something to me. Even if I hadn't quit drinking at least he would know he did what he felt he had to do/say. He didn't want me angry and upset, but he couldn't just let me keep killing myself without speaking up.
But that's not telling the alcoholic how I feel, that's just noting that there's a problem.
Trying to talk to XABF about how I felt only left me open for him to attack and tear me down more. When I tried to talk to him about the impact it was having on me or on our relationship or how I felt... He'd attack me, and twist it, and tell me it was all my fault, and use everything he could think of to hurt me, etc, etc. It wasn't about him anymore, and that wasn't allowed.
I am crying my eyes out,im sick and i know that whatever i say to him isnt going to make any difference but it still kills me not to say it!
But when i think abt it i really wouldnt know what to say anyway,he is a very angry person,but i just wish i could get through to him but i cant and it breaks my bloody heart.
ghirl xx
But when i think abt it i really wouldnt know what to say anyway,he is a very angry person,but i just wish i could get through to him but i cant and it breaks my bloody heart.
ghirl xx
I'm sorry celticghirl...I know how hard it is to accept.
Someone on SR said this to me once and it kind of stuck:
"I never changed anyone with my words"
I love words. I generally tend to thinkt they have power. But when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic, I had to accept that my words and my tears didn't mean a thing. I had to find my validation internally.
Someone on SR said this to me once and it kind of stuck:
"I never changed anyone with my words"
I love words. I generally tend to thinkt they have power. But when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic, I had to accept that my words and my tears didn't mean a thing. I had to find my validation internally.
I am crying my eyes out,im sick and i know that whatever i say to him isnt going to make any difference but it still kills me not to say it!
But when i think abt it i really wouldnt know what to say anyway,he is a very angry person,but i just wish i could get through to him but i cant and it breaks my bloody heart.
ghirl xx
But when i think abt it i really wouldnt know what to say anyway,he is a very angry person,but i just wish i could get through to him but i cant and it breaks my bloody heart.
ghirl xx
In hindsight I think I was trying to get through to myself as much as i was him. You might find it helpful to write letters to him - probably one's you never give him. Get it out, get it said, let it make sense to *you* and it might be easier to let go of the false beliefs.
I'm sorry celticghirl...I know how hard it is to accept.
Someone on SR said this to me once and it kind of stuck:
"I never changed anyone with my words"
I love words. I generally tend to thinkt they have power. But when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic, I had to accept that my words and my tears didn't mean a thing. I had to find my validation internally.
Someone on SR said this to me once and it kind of stuck:
"I never changed anyone with my words"
I love words. I generally tend to thinkt they have power. But when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic, I had to accept that my words and my tears didn't mean a thing. I had to find my validation internally.
He only started texting me the other day saying happy early valentines day! which tells me he is drinking again and i can't bear it.
ghirl xx
Celticgirl-
My wife told me how she felt many times, and I never listened. But now that I'm sober, I do remember everything she said, and how she was hurting, and how she felt. It helps me- now that I'm sober- to remember things like that. That is one of the things that I think about whenever I think about going back to drinking.
Zube
My wife told me how she felt many times, and I never listened. But now that I'm sober, I do remember everything she said, and how she was hurting, and how she felt. It helps me- now that I'm sober- to remember things like that. That is one of the things that I think about whenever I think about going back to drinking.
Zube
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Aww, cg ((((hugs)))) This bit is soooo crap, isn't it? Just when you thought that all the heartache was over, all the crud gets stirred up from the bottom.
I get it. I felt that way too. Still do, on occasions when I am feeling below par, truth be told, and I am a long time out. I think it's a yin/yang thing - if I could just get him to listen and understand (and change), then all the crap will have been worth it. Otherwise, I went through all of that for nothing.
Of course, those thoughts are based on nonsense. I said it all before, but he didn't listen then. There isn't another way to say it so that he'll get it - it's not my communication skills that are at fault here! Also, his recovery will never be worth what I went through. This isn't a zero-sum game where he wins, I lose.
IIRC, your ex was majorly abusive and violent. The alcohol is but a side issue. Whatever it takes, you have to come to terms with the fact that people like that are not affected by words. They are not even much affected by actions. All you can do is protect yourself from them. Opening yourself up in terms of the hurt that they caused you will only serve as an opening for them to hurt you more, even if it is simply by ignoring you pur your heart out. And just add to their file of injustices against them.
Have you written a letter to him and then burnt it? Beaten a pillow until you can beat it no more? Made an effigy of him and stuck pins in it?
And block his number!!!!!
I get it. I felt that way too. Still do, on occasions when I am feeling below par, truth be told, and I am a long time out. I think it's a yin/yang thing - if I could just get him to listen and understand (and change), then all the crap will have been worth it. Otherwise, I went through all of that for nothing.
Of course, those thoughts are based on nonsense. I said it all before, but he didn't listen then. There isn't another way to say it so that he'll get it - it's not my communication skills that are at fault here! Also, his recovery will never be worth what I went through. This isn't a zero-sum game where he wins, I lose.
IIRC, your ex was majorly abusive and violent. The alcohol is but a side issue. Whatever it takes, you have to come to terms with the fact that people like that are not affected by words. They are not even much affected by actions. All you can do is protect yourself from them. Opening yourself up in terms of the hurt that they caused you will only serve as an opening for them to hurt you more, even if it is simply by ignoring you pur your heart out. And just add to their file of injustices against them.
Have you written a letter to him and then burnt it? Beaten a pillow until you can beat it no more? Made an effigy of him and stuck pins in it?
And block his number!!!!!
Bolina is right...a cleansing exercise would help a great deal...I also heartily recommend doing some physical activity to get all this angst out. I'm a former dancer and I get A LOT out of going to these African dance classes once a week.
And yes, PLEASE, cut contact with him. You don't need the added trigger of text messages. It's time to stop focusing on him and turn the focus on you.
What makes you happy? What pleases you? Is it...chocolate? Or...a nice soak in the tub with a good novel in hand?
Time to treat yourself nicely for a little while celticghirl. You need this.
And yes, PLEASE, cut contact with him. You don't need the added trigger of text messages. It's time to stop focusing on him and turn the focus on you.
What makes you happy? What pleases you? Is it...chocolate? Or...a nice soak in the tub with a good novel in hand?
Time to treat yourself nicely for a little while celticghirl. You need this.
Aww, cg ((((hugs)))) This bit is soooo crap, isn't it? Just when you thought that all the heartache was over, all the crud gets stirred up from the bottom.
I get it. I felt that way too. Still do, on occasions when I am feeling below par, truth be told, and I am a long time out. I think it's a yin/yang thing - if I could just get him to listen and understand (and change), then all the crap will have been worth it. Otherwise, I went through all of that for nothing.
Of course, those thoughts are based on nonsense. I said it all before, but he didn't listen then. There isn't another way to say it so that he'll get it - it's not my communication skills that are at fault here! Also, his recovery will never be worth what I went through. This isn't a zero-sum game where he wins, I lose.
IIRC, your ex was majorly abusive and violent. The alcohol is but a side issue. Whatever it takes, you have to come to terms with the fact that people like that are not affected by words. They are not even much affected by actions. All you can do is protect yourself from them. Opening yourself up in terms of the hurt that they caused you will only serve as an opening for them to hurt you more, even if it is simply by ignoring you pur your heart out. And just add to their file of injustices against them.
Have you written a letter to him and then burnt it? Beaten a pillow until you can beat it no more? Made an effigy of him and stuck pins in it?
And block his number!!!!!
I get it. I felt that way too. Still do, on occasions when I am feeling below par, truth be told, and I am a long time out. I think it's a yin/yang thing - if I could just get him to listen and understand (and change), then all the crap will have been worth it. Otherwise, I went through all of that for nothing.
Of course, those thoughts are based on nonsense. I said it all before, but he didn't listen then. There isn't another way to say it so that he'll get it - it's not my communication skills that are at fault here! Also, his recovery will never be worth what I went through. This isn't a zero-sum game where he wins, I lose.
IIRC, your ex was majorly abusive and violent. The alcohol is but a side issue. Whatever it takes, you have to come to terms with the fact that people like that are not affected by words. They are not even much affected by actions. All you can do is protect yourself from them. Opening yourself up in terms of the hurt that they caused you will only serve as an opening for them to hurt you more, even if it is simply by ignoring you pur your heart out. And just add to their file of injustices against them.
Have you written a letter to him and then burnt it? Beaten a pillow until you can beat it no more? Made an effigy of him and stuck pins in it?
And block his number!!!!!
I miss him and really cant bear to hear that one day he might be dead and maybe there is something i could have done!
I know its stupid but i don't know what else to do, i can't get him out of my head no matter what he has done to me and my family.
Did i really do all this for nothing ?
Bolina is right...a cleansing exercise would help a great deal...I also heartily recommend doing some physical activity to get all this angst out. I'm a former dancer and I get A LOT out of going to these African dance classes once a week.
And yes, PLEASE, cut contact with him. You don't need the added trigger of text messages. It's time to stop focusing on him and turn the focus on you.
What makes you happy? What pleases you? Is it...chocolate? Or...a nice soak in the tub with a good novel in hand?
Time to treat yourself nicely for a little while celticghirl. You need this.
And yes, PLEASE, cut contact with him. You don't need the added trigger of text messages. It's time to stop focusing on him and turn the focus on you.
What makes you happy? What pleases you? Is it...chocolate? Or...a nice soak in the tub with a good novel in hand?
Time to treat yourself nicely for a little while celticghirl. You need this.
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