And now we know the rest of the story...
 

As many of you know, I have been waiting on pins and needles for my sober AH to get released from jail and come home. I wanted to know what was going to happen next ~ will he start drinking again? Or has 6 months in jail (and sobriety) given him a new perspective on life and a new appreciation for his family and his home?

10 days in and he's drinking again. I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. I really hoped that this time would be different.

10 days.

(((Sorry)))

Yeah, me too. Thanks Pelican.

I feel for you. My AH started drinking 2 days after getting out of detox.

So how are you feeling KerBearz? You OK?
Also, do you have a plan? Do you know what you want to do about this, if anything?

10 days hardly seems worth the struggle you've both been through. Ugh.

Sad but disappointed is a healthy assessment I think. A sign of good insight.

I had hard a time distinguishing emotions back with XABF. They all just seemed to mesh into one big hurt.

Stay on your path!

Alice

My daughter made it about 10 days after her first rehab. Doing better on the 2nd one tho! Sorry, but now that you have your answer whats gonna happen?

No good words... been there and know how much it hurts. Hugs to you.

I'm sorry to hear that KerBearz....and I understand the disappointment. XADFH went to court ordered rehab for 4 months and AA in lieu of gaol. He resumed drinking the day he 'graduated'. Hugs to you...

Being in a relationship with an alcholic is like we got stuck on the replay button of a video. Play it again, Sam! We live on a merry-go-round that just doesn't stop. However, we do have the power to get off the merry-go-round or as I have told the alcholic in my life, it's like talking to a door. When we get tired of talking to the door, and not getting any response from it, we always have the option of turning the knob, and walking out the door. :headbange Nobody ever promised us a bed of roses. It's not going to be easy! The changes we need to take will take us out of our "comfort zone", and we are just naturally scared of the unknown. As long as you stay in your relationship with your alcholic it will be two steps forward, one step backwards.

I hope you have been using the six months for a recovery program for yourself. "Steps don't fail me now!" I recommend you run as fast as you can away from your alcholic. I recommend you start attending as many Ala-non meetings as possible. Keep reaching out to the friends in SR. Someone here has lived it, learned from it, and survived it!

:ring

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

So sorry, have you a plan?

sorry to hear that kerbearz.

i found in my relationship with my alcoholic, that i was always WAITING.

waiting for him to come off the drink, waiting for him to call, waiting for him to sober up, waiting for him to be released from jail, waiting for him to come home, waiting, waiting, waiting. i was like the loyal labrador dog, i could identify his footsteps approaching the house (where i was waiting)

as i entered recovery, i wanted to blame him for all this waiting and wasting of my life waiting.

in recovery, i began to explore, "why am i waiting?" my answer was, i'm waiting because i don't have a driver's license. i'm waiting because i don't have a social life without him (he'd pretty much shut that down by intimidating my friends), i'm waiting because i don't have any money anymore, etc.

in my relationship, gradually and insiduously, i had ended up in a position where i was waiting because i had become dependent on him for some things. this i decided i needed to change, to rely on myself more and to become truly independent and self-sufficient again.

(sitting my driving test on saturday...wish me luck!)

I can totally identify with this, Naive. I am always waiting to see what he's going to do next and trying to prepare myself for whatever may come.

My next step is that I need to tell him that I want him to leave. He left this morning to go hunting for a couple of days, so I have a little breathing room here. As soon as he gets back, I'm going to tell him. I am just not willing to get back on the roller coaster!

I did tell him yesterday that I am no longer willing to be the wife of the town drunk ~ so, he can either decide not to be the town drunk or I can decide not to be married to him.

Good luck!!

What a timely thread. My AH has a young parole officer with a remnant of humanity in his soul. Put AH in a 90 day rehab instead of back in the Big House. So -- like Naive points out -- waiting --- again --- for what? --- more of the same --- have to assume more of the same because look at the responses to KB's original post. No waiting -- live as though he is never going to be other than he is. Move forward with your HP and be free. (That's advice to self not anyone else.)
I wish you serene confidence for the driving test, Naive.

I have been thinking about my/our situation today... I am trying to come to terms with feeling like I am giving up on God. I believe that God can fix this and He is choosing not to. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and that God wants people to stay together ~ so, I am asking God to restore me and husband and our marriage to sanity. My AH is asking God for the same things. Where is HE in this?

I'm not having second thoughts about having my AH leave, but giving up on God hurts.

the Path is about surrender.

requesting that god do certain things that we desire is is not surrender.

rather, it's telling god what to do.

god, in his infinite wisdom, has a plan for the evolution of each and every soul.

really, who are we to know what the plan is for ourselves or our loved ones? perhaps god has great things in store for you that you can't even imagine right now.

When my AH first left 6 weeks ago, I prayed non-stop for a miracle that God would "fix" him and our marriage could be restored. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that God is not ignoring my prayers, he just has his own plan for both of us, which may not include the two of us remaining together.

I've finally learned to lay the situation at God's feet, instead trying to control even God and his judgment. Now instead of telling him what I think he needs to do to make the situation better, I'm asking for strength to accept that he has everything control and everything will work out for the best, even if it's not the answer I'm looking for. Once I started doing that, I've finally begun to have some inner peace instead of constantly struggling and resisting. It's still a daily challenge, but I'm gettting there.

It's tough to reconcile what one has always believed about the Lord's will for marriages, all the prayers one has offered up, all the surrendering one has done to the best of ones ability -- with what seem to be answers in direct contradiction to Divine promises. Nevertheless, I still trust He is sovereign and I accept His rulings. Ready enough to give up and God can give back whatever He deems right for me.

I think you all are on to something with this "surrender" idea... I have never thought of it in terms of trying to control God. I have always believed that God wants families to stay together, but I like the idea of giving it all up to him and he'll give back what he wants me to have. I have a lot to ponder here.

I feel like a spiritual infant.

You know, I have heard about surrender many, many times and this is the first time it felt like it actually applies to me. I guess we hear things when we are ready to hear them.

I guess we hear things when we are ready to hear them.

Man, is that ever the truth!

If God can fix it and is choosing not to, then maybe theres a reason.

Beautifully said, Naive.

KerBearz, I went through the same struggles. "Why would God not want this man to be healed so that we can be happy together and serve Him and others together?"

Honestly, in our limited human capacity, we have no idea what is best for anyone. God does, however. That's where surrender is so freeing. Admitting to ourselves that we are powerless over others, and that HP is a power greater than ourselves, allows us to find our peace. We don't have to change others, or even expect God to do so, in order to be happy.

I finally realized at one point that even though I wasn't trying to control the man in my life (we were separated by my choice), I was still trying to control the outcome through prayer. "If only he can be healed, then we can be together again and be happy."

Now I still pray for him every day, sometimes many times a day. But I don't pray for us to be together, because I don't know God's best plan for each of us. I don't pray for a certain outcome, just for him to be healed and for him to find his peace and dignity. I pray for the same things for myself. The rest of it is up to God. I gladly let him have it now.

It may very well be that God wants families to stay together.

However, God has also given man free will to use, even destructively, if he so chooses, rather than live life on a spiritual basis.

The active alcoholic is self-will run riot.

My disease is threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.

I had to address all three areas in order to achieve true recovery.

There's a huge difference between abstinence and sobriety.

My EXAH always had 'jail house remorse' when incarcerated. As soon as he'd get back out, it was the same old same old.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;" Proverbs 3:5

I have felt God's presence in my life and I know that He is still in control! I suffered vascular dementia from DEC 23rd 2009 until JAN 8th 2010, and almost died. There are no drugs currently approved by the FDA to treat it. I was told that on JAN 7th a minister prayed with my husband and me. On the following day, JAN 8th, I came back into reality. The doctors had no scientific explanation as to why this happened. The only explanation it can be is by the Grace of God! On May 16th 1995, my 23 year old daughter completed suicide. It took me ten years, and two hospitalization for my grief, and subsequent, major depression before I was able to accept my daughter's completed suicide. I was prescribed anti-depressants and sleeping pills. It wasn't the hospitalization or the medication that helped me to reach acceptance of my daughter's death. It was by the grace of God! One Sunday morning during church I went forward and had the minister pray with me for my acceptance. I felt the grief being released from my body during that prayer. I now can accept the fact my daughter is in heaven with our Heavenly Father. In fact, our Heavenly Father answered my prayers and gave me exactly what I was asking for. I kept asking God to keep my daughter safe and out of harm's way. She is at peace, away from all the evil here on earth, and if I had an option, I wouldn't ask her to come back to earth and away from the joys of heaven.

I hope you can find the peace and hope that our Heavenly Father has in store for you!

:day6

God doesn't close one door without opening a better one......BUT......we've got to get our fingers out of the closing door. The reason you're in pain is because you have your fingers in a door God is trying to close.

I always know what the rest of my story will be because I write every chapter in the book of my life. If I'm not living the life I want to live, then I take action. Waiting for someone to change is an exercise in futility. Time waits for no one. I will not waste another day of my life waiting for someone to change. I want to spend all the days of my life living.

Is there somewhere God has stated that a married couple must live under the same roof? If you decide you don't want him living with you, I do not see how that is going against God. But, of course, that is just my understanding. I think married couples have lived separately throughout history, but in our culture we have a very distinct idea and image of what marriage is SUPPOSED to look like, meaning, we've got pretty strong expectations of ourselves and suffer tremendous guilt, etc, when we don't meet them. I for one am glad that you are focusing on YOUR needs KerBearz.

How do I do this without chickening out? I want to - but I am so afraid to! Need some encouragement please~

The only way for me to get past fear is to walk through it.

Well just to say i know exactly where you are coming from,my exabf has been in and out of jail numerous times in the 2yrs we were together and everytime he came out he drank and ended up back there and here was me sitting being loyal thinking,hoping he would change,but nothing ever changed and i had finally had enough,even though it hurts still.

Have you had enough?
Did your life feel better when he was in prison?
What do you want out of this relationship and how long have you been wanting it for but never getting it?

I asked myself these questions and came to the conclusion that even though ending it is going to be heartbraking,and totally scary i felt that staying was also heartbraking and totally scary and now although my emotions are all over the place i know that i no longer have to worry or live with someone else's addiction.

Do what you want to do,but do it with your interests at heart not his xx
YOU MATTER
YOUR IMPORTANT
YOUR NEEDS SHOULD BE MET BY YOU ALONE.

HE IS MEETING HIS NEEDS BY DRINKING,where do YOU come in to that?