Ok Beth!

Maybe I am lonely... yeah. Thing is... I don't want ANYBODY. I'm lonely, but WANT TO BE ALONE.

Does that make sense? Is that normal?

My standards and expections are so high now, I doubt I'll really meet someone! Need to focus on school anyway.

Thanks :)

Yep, I am lonely, but I am trying to learn how to leave that space open for a minute.
It does feel a little weird not having some crisis of my or another's making pending.

Yeah, it makes perfect sense to me, because I want someone, but in the state I am in, it would not be good, healthy or balanced. It would distract me from what I need to do for myself now.

Beth

Can I ask how long you have been 'single' or apart from a 'lover' / 'patner'?

The idea of going a few years without a someone is rather scary, yet liberating at the same time!

I tend to lose myself in a relationship, so while I want someone to love (god, that sounds pathetic).. I want myself more... and I like being free. It's all contradicting, and rather confusing to separate my wants/needs/desires. The idea of being alone sounds so delightful... but it also is filled with so much pain. It's like, can't I have em' both?! ;-p

Jenny, Ann Rule RULES!!!

geez,
i went ten years without someone, and then found someone so completely unavailable it boggles the mind. it was fun for a while. but lesson learned.

i was also severely depressed during alot of this time, so i wasnt "shining it on" like i can.
:rotfxko

yeah, i know what you mean, losing myself, talk about collapsed boundaries.
i had none, didnt even recognize myself, and then wonder what went wrong?
hehehehehe
i am almost giddy now that i am getting it. and i will get it.
my boundaries which were weak anyway, disappeared when i found someone because my fear of abandonment is so deep, it colors every move i make.
i was trying to repair or "fix" the non relationship i had with my alcoholic father, who has been dead nearly twenty years. okay, that is not working.
:rotfxko

i am willing to try something else now. be my true self, which is pretty damn cool, and if someone comes along that wants what i am, all that i am, we can work something out.

Beth

Jenny, you are so much like me, you are SCARING me ;) Can I ask, please, just out of curiosity, how old are you?

Months? Try a year and a half. My family got so sick of it, my sister wanted to just SHAKE me. You are "stuck" because you need to be "stuck" right now. There is something that you need to see before you can get un-stuck. There is nothing wrong with you, this is just the way it needs to be right now. When you are ready, when you have learned the lesson you need to learn, when you are ready to let go, YOU WILL. In the meantime USE the pain to provide you the motivation to do EXACTLY what you are doing: LEARNING. It is GREAT that you are reading about these things and looking at YOU. THAT Jenny is the process of building emotional maturity. Do you know how many people NEVER look at themselves the way you are? Do you have ANY idea how blessed you truly are to be going through what you are going through? I guess it IS hard to know while you are going through it; I forget.

My advice for this time in your life is only to please make sure that at some point, you ask yourself, "WHAT have I been doing with an alcoholic/drug addict? Why have I been so attracted to a person who is addicted and acts the way he acts? What is it about ME?" This is part of the reason why I so strongly recommend Al-Anon attendance, at least for a few months.

Anyway, here is what my sister told me when I also got discouraged about being stuck. Not sure if I can say it as eloquently right now as I should but you'll get the picture.
What you are experiencing is depression. Depression is NECESSARY for all human beings at some point in their life or another. Think of this time in your life as a season: Winter. Think of yourself as a flower, like a daffodil. In the Autumn, we see the beautiful things in our life begin to fade to brown, we watch the leaves begin to fall from the trees, and our OWN leaves begin to fade and wither. By the time the ground freezes in Winter, we have retreated into a bulb underneath the ground. We have gathered water and nutrients from the ground around us and we use the Winter time to rest and re-gather our strength. But Winter can be long so we have to be patient and wait for the sun to get high enough in the sky and strong enough to melt the snow and thaw the ground. We have to wait for the Spring time, so that we will have gathered enough strength to be ready when the time comes to push our leaves through the ground toward the sun that will feed us. This way, when it comes our time to bloom, we will be the STRONGEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL flower.

Jenny, you're just in Winter honey. And when your Springtime comes, I just know it, it's gonna' be: LOOK OUT World.

I like your attitude towards it!

I still cannot grasp the entire concept behind trying to "fix" what was lacking, or broken in childhood, through finding it in adult life. With such a strong fear of abandonment (myself included), it's hard to see why we latch on to the people WHO ABANDON US. I think for me, it's feeling inferior, and that the ones who are likely to stay, I don't feel good enough for. I don't see it as trying to link together the missing pieces.. do you?

WOW L2L, LOVED IT! Beautifully written! Wise sister of yours!

Actually, I was reading your posts the other day, and I too was scared at how 'similar' we seemed. I recall something about insecurity/jealousy in relationships, and as HARD as I try... I just cannot STOP being jealous. Oh, I'm 23 years old.

I was thinking yesterday, how if given the oppportunity to change the events, I would't do so. In a sick way, I do feel lucky. It hurts so badly, but I know I'm growing in a way that I NEED TO. I lack ANY emotional maturity, and it drives me crazy. With all that has happened, I'm actually seeking it out, finally! I didn't consider the thought of 'needing' to be stuck, but I'll take what you said! It makes absolute sense!

23!?!?!?! Girl you are AMAZING!!! It is just incredible to me how advanced and intelligent and self-reflective you are at that age!!! You are gonna' be All Right. By the time you are 30 you will be light years ahead, you'll see! :scoregood

awww, thanks... that makes me feel good though. It's hard when most people here are light years ahead of me, and just reinforces my belief that I suck, haha!

Someone at work just got on me for being in a funk for two days. I just can't fake happiness anymore. Not sure what to do.

I think the thread Learn started about boundaries, that HWC posted a lot about abandonment, answers this million dollar question.

Actually, I have that thread bookmarked. I haven't had a chance to start reading it yet, but it's on my list. Thank you for sharing that, as I now know I NEED to read it!

And did you know that almost all of the abnormal psych diagnoses typically affect women---with the except of the sexual ones where men are overwhelmingly identified?
Good to hear from you, zenbear. You should come around more often.

Jenny, I've done, too: Forgotten who I was--if I even knew--just to be in a "relationship." I used to have a friend who had different wardrobes so she could wear whatever would appeal to the guy she was dating. Once sober I thought I was cured, that I would be immune to the kind of sick thinking that led me to sick relationships. It didn't. No, it took several more, though each time I treated myself a bit better than before....got out a little quicker each time. Everyone said, "You can't expect someone to love you until you love yourself." I verbalized agreement, but I thought, "That sounds like the kind of BS that belongs on a poster in a college dorm." I would later discover it was true.
I was a magnet for sociopaths: I was vulnerable, and people like that have a sixth sense. At some point I grew tired of trying to figure who was decent and who was a player; I worked on myself by getting into healthy friendships. In effect, I stopped being someone a sociopath would want. I became very comfortable in my own company. If I am with someone it is because I want to be with them, not because I need them. There is a lot more integrity in that than hanging onto someone for dear life.
At one time there was a popular book Women Who Love Too Much. I recall only one line--near the end, I think: Hungry women make poor shoppers. that rang true with me. Another book is The Sociopath Next Door. I skimmed through it while standing in Barnes & Noble, but I got the gist of it: They are among us.

You know I was so alone when I was still with stbxah I am not sure when to start the clock. I sure as heck did not want any intimacy of ANY kind with him for at least 2 or 3 years before I left. Vomiting and crapping your pants while hanging over the toilet is just SUCH a turn off :rotfxko

Heck, you would have thought he would leave. Although I've heard lately he had that covered too.

Jenny-1st XAH--he was the poster child for the emotional abuser in that Romeo link. I was a train wreck when he left. He had totally isolated me from everyone, but he was very full of charm and charisma. Not to be crass but as an investigator friend of mine said to me once--he must be able to make that thang sing for you to hang around as long as you did. But I had a complete breakdown when he left. One day he just stopped loving me. Just like that.

I had my first full-blown episode of depression and had cyclic panic attacks for about 3 months. However, when he started to lose control of me after he left (because he was still trying to draw me in--with his thang :))--the messages I used to get on my voice mail. Talk about hate filled. I came to work one day and there were 3 and they got progressively worse as the evening wore on and he drank more. I had the locks changed on my apartment. I told the other tenants to keep an eye out for him because I discovered before we went out that he had stalked me for close to 10 years (I knew him because I had worked with him and we dated briefly and I ended it--that is when the stalking began).

I agree--you are miles ahead of where I was at 23. Heck, I am very very old now ;) so once I came here and realized I had married another alcoholic (he was not as severe an emotional abuser--he is just delusional) leaving, although hard, had already been processed somewhat before I did it.

I am sort of in the place where I am not remotely interested in another relationship right now. As my friends tell me--my picker is broken--and I have to agree. Perhaps when my picker is at least functioning to the level that I can see someone for what they are and not feel like diving into a whirlpool that will suck me down-then maybe I will think about it. Right now, uh uh, even if he has a thang that can talk (hee, hee).

The way I understand it for myself, honestly, is that I am attracted to "unavailable" men BECAUSE I like and WANT to live alone. I think the problem does not originate within me, but originates with my SOCIETY, my culture, which TELLS me (everywhere, all the time) that I NEED to be with someone and that I SHOULD be with someone. Hell, I can't even go to a restaurant alone without feeling uncomfortable.

The bad feelings I get are not innate depression or anxiety or some psychobabble about my childhood wounds, but they are simply the cognitive dissonance I feel as a result of the huge contradiction between what MY INNER BEING, my soul, PREFERS and what my psyche TELLS ME I want (based on what I see and what my culture dictates).

It's nice to have a companion. It's nice to do things with others some times. It's nice to share common interests and have someone around who makes me laugh. But I really like my own space, I love the peace that surrounds me, I love to have complete control over everything that occurs within my space. I love the confidence I get from knowing that if I don't like the way something in my life is, I have the power to change it. I don't have to ask anyone else to do it, and I don't have to ask permission. I like the predictability of my own routine, and knowing that I do not have to change it if I do not want to. Call me selfish, but I like being selfish. Took me a LONG time and A LOT of tears, heartache, and feelings of wanting to JUST DIE to get here, but I LOVE IT.

Hope I didn't go OT.

not feeling very eloquent right now, but I can relate to almost everything said in this thread. Thanks for making me feel normal! Ha! :)

It's nice to have a companion. It's nice to do things with others some times. It's nice to share common interests and have someone around who makes me laugh. But I really like my own space, I love the peace that surrounds me, I love to have complete control over everything that occurs within my space. I love the confidence I get from knowing that if I don't like the way something in my life is, I have the power to change it. I don't have to ask anyone else to do it, and I don't have to ask permission. I like the predictability of my own routine, and knowing that I do not have to change it if I do not want to. Call me selfish, but I like being selfish. Took me a LONG time and A LOT of tears, heartache, and feelings of wanting to JUST DIE to get here, but I LOVE IT.

Me, too! :c031:

Now I'm on Sookie Sackhouse.... Club Dead. :scoregood

I vote we take a fun day...go to an amusement park and ride all the rollercoasters and laugh and scream having a blast!

We can't be thinking of this all the time...sometimes we need to override it and let it go...helps hugely

Live, I agree. I am leaving tomorrow to go to the beach for a week, and I certainly hope it helps. I'm back in my four day rut... so it's time is about up! Seems I only get one day off.

I was thinking about it on the way to work... as I drove I just cried AGAIN. I'm trying to use the 'power of positive thinking', but it doesn't seem to work at all for me. Is there some trick to it? What could I be doing wrong? Perhaps still dwelling on what happened. I can not shut my mind up, hard as I try.

I have therapy tonight and it feels like it's been forever. I'm really starting to contemplate anti-depressants. I hate them for feeling numb, but I think I'd rather be numb now. I'm wondering if I should just ride it out, and see how much longer this funk lasts. I'm pretty certain in a day or two, I will be LOVING life, thinking "I don't need medicine"... but it always comes back to this. Hmmm.

You all made really great points - thank you.

Well, Gal it is so recent and you were INJURED. You were abused. That doesn't just go away with a magical mind switch.

You may need meds. Your therapist would know more about that. I know I am a much better me with my meds.

One of my favorite "tricks" was to throw eggs at trees, SPLAT and take that you lousy $%^*&()^)(%#$^(^ and I am so pizzed off to be hurt and crying and that you hurt me and on and on.

I am a world of envy that you are going to the beach...I love the sound of the waves...they are both violent and soothing....that helps my mind immensely!

If you are going to think about him anyway, the more you fight it the more it becomes a struggle. Draw ugly pictures of him, make it a cartoon. Fantasize and get the pain out. I don't mean fantasizing all's well and ya'll are together...get out your anger and see if you can insert some humor. I can pm you tons of salty insults! LOL

I like to read alot of the Dalai Lama....that is wonderful, compassionate and soothing as well as make you think (and along a different track and mindset, as well)

Also there are humorous murder mysteries..I just read a light Janet Evanowich (I know I don't recall the last name correctly but it is kinda close)

You can kick sand, bury your toes in it, throw things into the ocean, talk and mutter to yourself. Wear a silly hat and sillier sunglasses.

I will think of more.

You ARE going to be okay and better than okay.
I think you are just smashingly wonderful!

Throwing eggs at trees! Why have I never thought of that?!?! LOL, your post made me laugh this morning! I love your advice!

Oh, your inbox is too full for me to message you!

"you are going to think about him anyway, the more you fight it the more it becomes a struggle."

My therapist reminded me yesterday that I cannot make myself NOT think about him, (or any negative self-talk) but I CAN add more "positives" into the mix, which will put the negatives at the wayside. We're working on awareness, mindfullness and not trying to necessarily stop my thought patterns, but to think 'differently'. I can't really word it right - but it made total sense!

i remember about a year after my xah got sober, being grateful for the alcoholic in my life. what a shift in thinking!
and now, more recently, i think i may actually be grateful for the lessons that xabf provided. i can't put into words how profoundly painful some of the moments were with him, and during the extended break-up period (but i don't need to, for you guys understand this), yet i still think:
"needed it. lessons needed" and that gives me solace.

jenny, you are gonna be in such good shape one of these days, because of your introspection, because of your willingness to do what you need to, and because of your attitude. you are exactly where you need to be, doing what you need to do.

Coffeedrinker - you never fail to uplift my spirits, thank you! You've really helped me through so much of this! I hope you are in a much better place now. I haven't had the energy to read anyone's posts lately and I feel kind of bad about that. I really am grateful for the lessons he is teaching me as well, as hard as they may be, and even though he never loved me... I wouldn't get to where I WANT TO BE if this didn't happen - that I know for sure.

My therapist yesterday said a lot of nice things about me as a person - as far as what HE sees with me. It's amazing how I view myself, and how OTHERS view me. If only I can begin to shift my focus to my positive traits. I gotta say, getting a new therapist was a GREAT idea! He's far more educated (not that that always matters), and he offers a realm of treatment styles. I feel like he's more than a sounding board though, because he's truly challenging my thoughts.

OHHH gosh, was I on holidays that long to see how long this post has gotten? LOL

well, widowed hood has added to the mix...I was about 6 years....um NOTHING, ZIP, ZERO!! can I go on....???:inbed:c016::a115:

I had to add them all in because well, they suit this S_E_X_ purpose!L LMAO!!

you are exactly where you need to be, doing what you need to do.

funny, I just learned this too...I have my tools for what I NEED at this moment...YOU have your tools for WHAT you NEED at this moment...I learned this with ENVY...I was envious of a goodlooking friend of mine...realize she was envious of me, when I admitted to her..."its not all PRETTY face" she said...realize I wasting my energy of this...humm...well, that was what I learned....from AL ANON

Funny you mention how she was envious of you too... it just goes to show how truly dissatisfied the majority of us are; always wanting what we DON'T have, and just our insatiable thirst for EVERYTHING!

Six years, yikes (no offense)! I'm sure you become 'numb' eventually. I went two years once... so I know it's POSSIBLE.

You seem to hold such a happy-go-lucky attitude.. you seem spunky, lol. I like it!

to me, it was a deep lesson learned...I am ME and thats all that counts...i realize that now

Oooh god! lets not go there! you have no idea! especially when you ummm, had it, all the time!!

why thank you so much! and well, that is ME!! and proud of it