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Why is it still so hard? It was the beginning of November when I left STBX-AH in fear. No contact since about 2 weeks after I left. I think I'm doing everything I need to do. I'm on prescribed anti-depressants which the doc checks every couple of months, seeing a wonderful DV counselor, seeing friends I'd lost touch with, talking to family frequently, eating as well as I'm able, light exercise, staying busy at work (which is often my haven), the divorce proceedings are progressing, albeit slowly, I rarely drink, etc, etc. So why do I continue to be depressed, sad and lonely? I don't like being that way! I like to be positive, helpful, cheerful and friendly. Yet I can barely eke out a fake smile. What's wrong with me? Why is this so hard? |
Hugs, tigger. There's nothing wrong with you. I know it's a lot to deal with; I'm trying to deal with my depression and started dealing with my issues related to DV. I have to remind myself that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. And I still have to remind myself (often) that I'm worth all the hard work. Sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself; keep it up. :) :grouphug: |
Tigger, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Stop it with the 'should's - you are feeling what you are feeling. It will take as long as it takes for you to adjust and change to your new way of living. It won't all happen at once and there is no set date for when you 'must' be happy again!! Be kind to yourself. Keep slogging away at it and it will get better. I feel my depression is just about starting to lift a little and I've been separated since Aug 2008! There again, I can be a bit slow on the uptake at times so don't expect you have to take as long as I have. Instead of thinking of what you 'need' to do (and it does sound like you're covering all the bases!) try a little of what you want to do. Spoil yourself - you deserve it!! |
Tigger, I don't have any wonderful words. I've always felt you were a little "ahead" of me in the process. But I wanted you to have: :grouphug: |
Sigh. Okay everyone. Thanks. I just wish this long moment didn't feel so close to desperation. There was a thread I read the other day discussing magical thinking. Perhaps this is partly letting go of the life-long dream corroborated by Mum, girlfriends, movies and TV that "my prince will come." My prince ain't never gonna come, is he? There's no "soul mate". Perhaps it takes longer than 8 months to discard that dream and determine what the reality is that replaces it. Sometimes it feels as though AH was the closest I'll ever come. But NO. Staying with him would have killed me one way or another. Taking the morning off to "feel". Dentist at noon, then off to work. A rare stolen morning to myself. Huggs, Tigg. |
When I get to thinking like this I remember some posts from here. I will try and be my own damn Prince Charming (and I don't mind my snoring!), I will date myself, take myself out and treat myself well. I try....don't always succeed but I try!! |
tigger- you have been through a trauma. you were threatned in your own home and had to flee to a shelter. it will take some time to feel yourself again. it's a process, it takes time. it's ok and natural to feel unsettled with your new single life. naive |
Hi Tigger, Just couldn't resist stopping by and saying hi. Like others said, I agree, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Feelings are just what they are - it is what we do with them that matters. And just a reminder, being separated from someone you love(d) causes us to grieve that means disbelief, anger, sadness and resolution over and over again. Each time it gets easier - it is a life change. Take care of yourself the best you can. I have been separated for two years in July, he got sober for 8 months and planned a reunification, blew it off and no contact in 6 months now. I have been up and down a lot. I am taking my time to do what I need (not what others think I need to do) and I know that it will get easier some day for longer than 24 hours. Be kind to yourself, be gentle with your feelings, pamper the best you can or in whatever way you benefit. It will be ok. |
Hey tigger You are doing OK, I feel the same sometimes and I figure it is just us girls, grieving over our loss but guess what, the best is yet to come. JJ |
Hope you are better Tigger. |
My prince ain't never gonna come, is he? There's no "soul mate". |
Okay, beloved friends. It's going to take a while. Be gentle on myself. Pamper myself. Wonderful counselor suggested that I tend to be cognitive, and not allow myself to feel. Instead I avoid feeling with mega activity. Asked me (for the 2nd time) to allow myself, when feeling down, to allocate a period of time (15 or 30 minutes) to think about STBXAH and feel the feelings. Some things have been triggering the feelings I've been avoiding for so long. Some of you may remember that 1st XAH, and this STBXAH live near each other, and hang out. STBXAH has dropped 2 loads of stuff with 1XAH over the last 3 weeks or so. Then my son brought the stuff to me. Minor amounts of valuable stuff, mostly garbage and crap. A message to me that he's trying to totally eliminate any memory of me from his life. HA - he may get rid of the crap, but he'll never forget the 3 years we spent together. He's trying to upset me, just like a child; "we had a fight, now take all your toys. See, I hate you." So... allowing myself to feel. Not sure how to pamper myself, probably just taking peaceful time alone to play on the computer, perhaps watch a movie on NetFlix. Yup, that'll do it. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments! |
It certainly makes sense that you struggle with your feelings when your abuser has the ability to get a 'message' to you. How about a message in a bottle right up the you-know-what, buddy! Man, he gets me fired up. I agree with what has been said, especially the cognitive therapy. I still have a times of bitterness that build up and I just gotta rant about it. I think when I get frustrated with life's everyday ups and downs my feelings flash back to my most frustrating period and that was with my XABF. I, too, take some time to feel those feelings and then move forward. Keep doing what you're doing and you will get there. Oh, about that prince charming BS, I bought into it too, my friend. I have had to reeducate myself also on just how many "soul mates" are really out there for me. Ever notice how many people there are in this world? So we kissed a pretty wicked set of toads, you and I, but that does not mean the world isn't full a whole lotta frogs just waiting to get our attention. Ever notice how a lot of frongs look alike, too? Just sayin. You can do this new life thing. I believe in you! Alice |
Friggin' Frogs! LOL - Thanks, Alice - your words are thoughtful, wise, and interlaced with humor. Thank you, Dear! |
you have been through a trauma. you were threatned in your own home and had to flee to a shelter. it will take some time to feel yourself again. it's a process, it takes time. it's ok and natural to feel unsettled with your new single life. |
He sent stuff to you? that was nice. XABF broke my stuff at a party while drunk. Not sure if it was on purpose but I got really mad and I have forgiven but NOT forgotten! sheesh. Oh well From your post my humble opinion is that you are taking care of the mind but what about the soul and what about your body? Another way to say that is : DO YOGA :) How is your relation with God/HP going? Its funny you do a lot not to feel, many times I feel stuck in feeling and feeling and that I am not DOING enough. Oh well. We are human not robots.. as long as we go NO CONTACT, whatever we are doing or not doing , feeling or not feeling .... it means we are on the correct path !!! Remember to cheer yourself and remember how far you have walked already. We often are too hard on ourselves, in reality WE RoCK :) !! and are doing many healthy things that only brave, honest people do. Maybe you have not noticed but... its not many of us out there... :ghug3 |
Another way to say that is : DO YOGA |
Yoga. Hummm. Never thought about that. Thanks, TC... I'll look into it. Hope it doesn't cost too much. Trans, Naive ALWAYS hits it on the head... you're so right! My relationship with God could be better. For me, going to church keeps that relationship healthy. But I can't drag my sorry butt out of bed on Sundays. Moderate depression keeps me tired all the time. Work doesn't help. Oftentimes, I get called at night to work, so my sleep is frequently interrupted. Too bad I'm not doing something noble like saving lives... my sleep deprivation merely keeps mainframe computers healthy. Weekends are my only time to sleep in. Question for all of you... how often do you (or did you after the big break up) feel as though you were walking on the edge of insanity... or of doing something dumb to yourself? And how long did it last? Looking back, the serious sad times are less dramatic, but I'm never happy. How long can I continue to be sad? Will I ever be happy again? So often, I just don't care. The weather in the mid-west has been seriously beautiful the last few days. I appreciate almost any weather, but weather like this usually gives me pure joy. But right now, I just don't care about anything. It's all I can do to make it through each day. Love you guys... thanks for your wisdom! T |
Originally Posted by tigger11
(Post 2641417)
My relationship with God could be better. For me, going to church keeps that relationship healthy. But I can't drag my sorry butt out of bed on Sundays. I can honestly say I talk to God more now than I ever did growing up and going to church. God's with me 24/7. I do my readings in the morning while I'm drinking coffee. I talk to God throughout the day. I don't need church to do that. Usually when I'm 'off' in my recovery, the first thing my sponsor asks me is how my conscious contact with God is. It usually isn't good at the time. Being sleep-deprived doesn't help either, I know. I wish I could wave a magic wand and zap you with some much needed rest! :ghug3 |
Thank you, DeVon. Praying for your Dad! |
The weather in the mid-west has been seriously beautiful the last few days. I appreciate almost any weather, but weather like this usually gives me pure joy. But right now, I just don't care about anything. It's all I can do to make it through each day. I am always glad to see Fred. The wonders of nature. Good stuff. :ghug3 |
Whenever I have felt anxious or unsettled since I started recovery, it has always been preceding a major breakthrough. Yet, I still wonder if I'm just not getting it, if I will ever get it, or if maybe I just can't do it. It feels that way every time, even though I know these feelings always come right before something good. Here is my fave piece of wisdom on the subject: Language of Letting Go - May 9 - Learning New Behaviours You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go Learning New Behaviors Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward. --Codependent No More Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn. The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us. It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted. It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind. Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so easy . . . now. Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come. It shall. Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons. L |
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. |
Wicked - great blue heron's ROCK... give my love to Fred. LOL you're funny! LTD - I hope you're right... don't know if you know this, and no pressure ;-), but I hang on your every word. You never EVER disappoint. Transie - Love you! |
tigger--depression-eh, I hate it. I was always sort of melancholy from the age of 20 on. All it took was the first marriage to an alcoholic to send me into the depths of hell--my first bout of clinical depression. I know what you are feeling. For me, I would wake up and realize it was "still there" and there were times I thought it would never go away. But it did--slowly. I think our bodies let us heal in the length of time it takes. Just like a broken leg it would be great to dance a jig the next day-but you have to wait for it to heal before you can dance again. I agree that some sort of exercise of the body and soul is a wonderful way for you to feel what you feel and express it. Yoga is a great way to do it. I found another way to do this--and it may seem weird--but it is called hooping (it is not hula hooping--totally different animal). You can make your own hoop-easy to do. You can teach yourself to hoop by watching tutorials on YouTube. Not sure how it works--but I can go into a hoop class or go in the back yard and hoop and an hour later I am totally at peace. It is even more effective if you do it blindfolded. Whatever way you can find peace within yourself--and some days are harder than others. I was happy to read that you are seeing a counselor and taking the anti-depressants they prescribe. I swore I would never fall into the hell hole again. Went of my anti-depressants, married another AH (soon to be XAH) and went back into the hole. I am hoping 2 bouts of depression is enough! Hang in there. It will get better. One day you will feel a little better and start to do the things you used to do--and then one day you will wake up and it will be gone--and you will be the you you know and love again. He sounds like a major a**. Always the need to try to make you feel crappier. The thing I learned here that helped me so much when that started-- I really liked thinking of my stbxah as a giant duck, just quacking away. It even put a smile on my face and I helped me turn a deaf ear. |
I wrestle with depression too Tigger. You just have to remember that you won't ALWAYS feel like this. You have felt happiness before and you will feel it again. Black and white thinking always gets me when I'm 'in the hole' - I think I will never feel joy again and things start looking really bleak. I hold on to the thought that I have felt happy in the past, I have the capacity in me to feel happy again at some point in the future and it gives me that little crumb of hope to keep on going through another day. This summer, gardening is helping to keep me sane. I'm growing all sorts of veggies and flowers for the first time, it gets me in the sunshine and exercising gently and weeding is very therapeutic when I've had a bad day! Getting my hands dirty and watching things grow makes me feel more connected. It works for me right now, I hope you find something that works for you too. You're a special person for me on this forum and you really do deserve happiness! We all do! :ghug3 |
Hi Tigger - I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling blue :( I can only share what I have done in the past to battle the blues and it does help....as long as I keep doing it! But I'm sure you know the drill: good, regular sleep, healthy diet, meditation, vigorous exercise, volunteer work, and MAKING yourself go do things with friends (and going to church?). Can you commit to being the model 'patient' for two weeks and see if it doesn't help immensely? ...because it will. I really, really like the idea of Yoga! Even if you just take a few classes to get the hang of it, then later you can get a DVD to do at home. There are some great ones out there. I hope today is a better day....XOXO. |
Oh..and I forgot about inspirational reading... What are you reading right now? |
Unfortunately, I can't find yoga that is close or a price I can afford. W2K - I used the quacking thing when still living with almost-XAH for the 1st month I was on F/F and still living with him. I don't see him now, except in legal situations. So many of us seem to suffer from depression. Blah. Book and TPJ - I am doing as you suggest. Forcing myself to be with friends... going this wkend with a girlfriend a couple of hours North and helping her BBQ for her family. This is the same friend that took me in after the shelter. She's a tough broad, not like me at all, and she's a great friend. We also have doggies that get along great together. I walk my wonderful "woman's best friend" 3x/day, about a 10 minute walk. I do this in spite of the fact that it sucks constantly scanning my surroundings for an almost XAH with a gun. This may be part of what puts me in a funk. But my dog loves it, and has to poop, and it gives me little fresh air and exercise. I'm so glad you all are "out there" for me to hang out with. I wholeheartedly believe we save each others' lives every day on this forum. |
Got my Lexipro med increased today. Doc said it will take 5 to 10 days to notice a difference. |
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