Why is it still so hard?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Why is it still so hard?
It was the beginning of November when I left STBX-AH in fear. No contact since about 2 weeks after I left. I think I'm doing everything I need to do. I'm on prescribed anti-depressants which the doc checks every couple of months, seeing a wonderful DV counselor, seeing friends I'd lost touch with, talking to family frequently, eating as well as I'm able, light exercise, staying busy at work (which is often my haven), the divorce proceedings are progressing, albeit slowly, I rarely drink, etc, etc.
So why do I continue to be depressed, sad and lonely? I don't like being that way! I like to be positive, helpful, cheerful and friendly. Yet I can barely eke out a fake smile.
What's wrong with me? Why is this so hard?
So why do I continue to be depressed, sad and lonely? I don't like being that way! I like to be positive, helpful, cheerful and friendly. Yet I can barely eke out a fake smile.
What's wrong with me? Why is this so hard?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, tigger. There's nothing wrong with you. I know it's a lot to deal with; I'm trying to deal with my depression and started dealing with my issues related to DV. I have to remind myself that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. And I still have to remind myself (often) that I'm worth all the hard work.
Sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself; keep it up.
Sounds like you're doing a lot to help yourself; keep it up.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Tigger, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Stop it with the 'should's - you are feeling what you are feeling. It will take as long as it takes for you to adjust and change to your new way of living. It won't all happen at once and there is no set date for when you 'must' be happy again!! Be kind to yourself. Keep slogging away at it and it will get better. I feel my depression is just about starting to lift a little and I've been separated since Aug 2008! There again, I can be a bit slow on the uptake at times so don't expect you have to take as long as I have.
Instead of thinking of what you 'need' to do (and it does sound like you're covering all the bases!) try a little of what you want to do. Spoil yourself - you deserve it!!
Instead of thinking of what you 'need' to do (and it does sound like you're covering all the bases!) try a little of what you want to do. Spoil yourself - you deserve it!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Sigh. Okay everyone. Thanks. I just wish this long moment didn't feel so close to desperation.
There was a thread I read the other day discussing magical thinking. Perhaps this is partly letting go of the life-long dream corroborated by Mum, girlfriends, movies and TV that "my prince will come." My prince ain't never gonna come, is he? There's no "soul mate". Perhaps it takes longer than 8 months to discard that dream and determine what the reality is that replaces it. Sometimes it feels as though AH was the closest I'll ever come. But NO. Staying with him would have killed me one way or another.
Taking the morning off to "feel". Dentist at noon, then off to work. A rare stolen morning to myself.
Huggs, Tigg.
There was a thread I read the other day discussing magical thinking. Perhaps this is partly letting go of the life-long dream corroborated by Mum, girlfriends, movies and TV that "my prince will come." My prince ain't never gonna come, is he? There's no "soul mate". Perhaps it takes longer than 8 months to discard that dream and determine what the reality is that replaces it. Sometimes it feels as though AH was the closest I'll ever come. But NO. Staying with him would have killed me one way or another.
Taking the morning off to "feel". Dentist at noon, then off to work. A rare stolen morning to myself.
Huggs, Tigg.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
When I get to thinking like this I remember some posts from here. I will try and be my own damn Prince Charming (and I don't mind my snoring!), I will date myself, take myself out and treat myself well. I try....don't always succeed but I try!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
tigger-
you have been through a trauma. you were threatned in your own home and had to flee to a shelter.
it will take some time to feel yourself again. it's a process, it takes time.
it's ok and natural to feel unsettled with your new single life.
naive
you have been through a trauma. you were threatned in your own home and had to flee to a shelter.
it will take some time to feel yourself again. it's a process, it takes time.
it's ok and natural to feel unsettled with your new single life.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi Tigger,
Just couldn't resist stopping by and saying hi. Like others said, I agree, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Feelings are just what they are - it is what we do with them that matters. And just a reminder, being separated from someone you love(d) causes us to grieve that means disbelief, anger, sadness and resolution over and over again. Each time it gets easier - it is a life change. Take care of yourself the best you can.
I have been separated for two years in July, he got sober for 8 months and planned a reunification, blew it off and no contact in 6 months now. I have been up and down a lot. I am taking my time to do what I need (not what others think I need to do) and I know that it will get easier some day for longer than 24 hours.
Be kind to yourself, be gentle with your feelings, pamper the best you can or in whatever way you benefit. It will be ok.
Just couldn't resist stopping by and saying hi. Like others said, I agree, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Feelings are just what they are - it is what we do with them that matters. And just a reminder, being separated from someone you love(d) causes us to grieve that means disbelief, anger, sadness and resolution over and over again. Each time it gets easier - it is a life change. Take care of yourself the best you can.
I have been separated for two years in July, he got sober for 8 months and planned a reunification, blew it off and no contact in 6 months now. I have been up and down a lot. I am taking my time to do what I need (not what others think I need to do) and I know that it will get easier some day for longer than 24 hours.
Be kind to yourself, be gentle with your feelings, pamper the best you can or in whatever way you benefit. It will be ok.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My prince ain't never gonna come, is he? There's no "soul mate".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Okay, beloved friends. It's going to take a while. Be gentle on myself. Pamper myself.
Wonderful counselor suggested that I tend to be cognitive, and not allow myself to feel. Instead I avoid feeling with mega activity. Asked me (for the 2nd time) to allow myself, when feeling down, to allocate a period of time (15 or 30 minutes) to think about STBXAH and feel the feelings.
Some things have been triggering the feelings I've been avoiding for so long. Some of you may remember that 1st XAH, and this STBXAH live near each other, and hang out. STBXAH has dropped 2 loads of stuff with 1XAH over the last 3 weeks or so. Then my son brought the stuff to me. Minor amounts of valuable stuff, mostly garbage and crap. A message to me that he's trying to totally eliminate any memory of me from his life. HA - he may get rid of the crap, but he'll never forget the 3 years we spent together. He's trying to upset me, just like a child; "we had a fight, now take all your toys. See, I hate you."
So... allowing myself to feel. Not sure how to pamper myself, probably just taking peaceful time alone to play on the computer, perhaps watch a movie on NetFlix. Yup, that'll do it.
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments!
Wonderful counselor suggested that I tend to be cognitive, and not allow myself to feel. Instead I avoid feeling with mega activity. Asked me (for the 2nd time) to allow myself, when feeling down, to allocate a period of time (15 or 30 minutes) to think about STBXAH and feel the feelings.
Some things have been triggering the feelings I've been avoiding for so long. Some of you may remember that 1st XAH, and this STBXAH live near each other, and hang out. STBXAH has dropped 2 loads of stuff with 1XAH over the last 3 weeks or so. Then my son brought the stuff to me. Minor amounts of valuable stuff, mostly garbage and crap. A message to me that he's trying to totally eliminate any memory of me from his life. HA - he may get rid of the crap, but he'll never forget the 3 years we spent together. He's trying to upset me, just like a child; "we had a fight, now take all your toys. See, I hate you."
So... allowing myself to feel. Not sure how to pamper myself, probably just taking peaceful time alone to play on the computer, perhaps watch a movie on NetFlix. Yup, that'll do it.
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It certainly makes sense that you struggle with your feelings when your abuser has the ability to get a 'message' to you.
How about a message in a bottle right up the you-know-what, buddy! Man, he gets me fired up.
I agree with what has been said, especially the cognitive therapy. I still have a times of bitterness that build up and I just gotta rant about it. I think when I get frustrated with life's everyday ups and downs my feelings flash back to my most frustrating period and that was with my XABF. I, too, take some time to feel those feelings and then move forward.
Keep doing what you're doing and you will get there.
Oh, about that prince charming BS, I bought into it too, my friend. I have had to reeducate myself also on just how many "soul mates" are really out there for me. Ever notice how many people there are in this world? So we kissed a pretty wicked set of toads, you and I, but that does not mean the world isn't full a whole lotta frogs just waiting to get our attention. Ever notice how a lot of frongs look alike, too? Just sayin.
You can do this new life thing. I believe in you!
Alice
How about a message in a bottle right up the you-know-what, buddy! Man, he gets me fired up.
I agree with what has been said, especially the cognitive therapy. I still have a times of bitterness that build up and I just gotta rant about it. I think when I get frustrated with life's everyday ups and downs my feelings flash back to my most frustrating period and that was with my XABF. I, too, take some time to feel those feelings and then move forward.
Keep doing what you're doing and you will get there.
Oh, about that prince charming BS, I bought into it too, my friend. I have had to reeducate myself also on just how many "soul mates" are really out there for me. Ever notice how many people there are in this world? So we kissed a pretty wicked set of toads, you and I, but that does not mean the world isn't full a whole lotta frogs just waiting to get our attention. Ever notice how a lot of frongs look alike, too? Just sayin.
You can do this new life thing. I believe in you!
Alice
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
you have been through a trauma. you were threatned in your own home and had to flee to a shelter.
it will take some time to feel yourself again. it's a process, it takes time.
it's ok and natural to feel unsettled with your new single life.
it will take some time to feel yourself again. it's a process, it takes time.
it's ok and natural to feel unsettled with your new single life.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
He sent stuff to you? that was nice. XABF broke my stuff at a party while drunk. Not sure if it was on purpose but I got really mad and I have forgiven but NOT forgotten! sheesh.
Oh well
From your post my humble opinion is that you are taking care of the mind but what about the soul and what about your body?
Another way to say that is : DO YOGA
How is your relation with God/HP going?
Its funny you do a lot not to feel, many times I feel stuck in feeling and feeling and that I am not DOING enough. Oh well. We are human not robots.. as long as we go NO CONTACT, whatever we are doing or not doing , feeling or not feeling .... it means we are on the correct path !!!
Remember to cheer yourself and remember how far you have walked already.
We often are too hard on ourselves, in reality WE RoCK !! and are doing many healthy things that only brave, honest people do. Maybe you have not noticed but... its not many of us out there... :ghug3
Oh well
From your post my humble opinion is that you are taking care of the mind but what about the soul and what about your body?
Another way to say that is : DO YOGA
How is your relation with God/HP going?
Its funny you do a lot not to feel, many times I feel stuck in feeling and feeling and that I am not DOING enough. Oh well. We are human not robots.. as long as we go NO CONTACT, whatever we are doing or not doing , feeling or not feeling .... it means we are on the correct path !!!
Remember to cheer yourself and remember how far you have walked already.
We often are too hard on ourselves, in reality WE RoCK
!! and are doing many healthy things that only brave, honest people do. Maybe you have not noticed but... its not many of us out there... :ghug3
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Another way to say that is : DO YOGA
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Yoga. Hummm. Never thought about that. Thanks, TC... I'll look into it. Hope it doesn't cost too much.
Trans, Naive ALWAYS hits it on the head... you're so right!
My relationship with God could be better. For me, going to church keeps that relationship healthy. But I can't drag my sorry butt out of bed on Sundays. Moderate depression keeps me tired all the time. Work doesn't help. Oftentimes, I get called at night to work, so my sleep is frequently interrupted. Too bad I'm not doing something noble like saving lives... my sleep deprivation merely keeps mainframe computers healthy. Weekends are my only time to sleep in.
Question for all of you... how often do you (or did you after the big break up) feel as though you were walking on the edge of insanity... or of doing something dumb to yourself? And how long did it last?
Looking back, the serious sad times are less dramatic, but I'm never happy. How long can I continue to be sad? Will I ever be happy again? So often, I just don't care.
The weather in the mid-west has been seriously beautiful the last few days. I appreciate almost any weather, but weather like this usually gives me pure joy. But right now, I just don't care about anything. It's all I can do to make it through each day.
Love you guys... thanks for your wisdom!
T
Trans, Naive ALWAYS hits it on the head... you're so right!
My relationship with God could be better. For me, going to church keeps that relationship healthy. But I can't drag my sorry butt out of bed on Sundays. Moderate depression keeps me tired all the time. Work doesn't help. Oftentimes, I get called at night to work, so my sleep is frequently interrupted. Too bad I'm not doing something noble like saving lives... my sleep deprivation merely keeps mainframe computers healthy. Weekends are my only time to sleep in.
Question for all of you... how often do you (or did you after the big break up) feel as though you were walking on the edge of insanity... or of doing something dumb to yourself? And how long did it last?
Looking back, the serious sad times are less dramatic, but I'm never happy. How long can I continue to be sad? Will I ever be happy again? So often, I just don't care.
The weather in the mid-west has been seriously beautiful the last few days. I appreciate almost any weather, but weather like this usually gives me pure joy. But right now, I just don't care about anything. It's all I can do to make it through each day.
Love you guys... thanks for your wisdom!
T
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by tigger11 
My relationship with God could be better. For me, going to church keeps that relationship healthy. But I can't drag my sorry butt out of bed on Sundays.
I can honestly say I talk to God more now than I ever did growing up and going to church.
God's with me 24/7. I do my readings in the morning while I'm drinking coffee.
I talk to God throughout the day. I don't need church to do that.
Usually when I'm 'off' in my recovery, the first thing my sponsor asks me is how my conscious contact with God is.
It usually isn't good at the time.
Being sleep-deprived doesn't help either, I know. I wish I could wave a magic wand and zap you with some much needed rest! :ghug3
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