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The weather in the mid-west has been seriously beautiful the last few days. I appreciate almost any weather, but weather like this usually gives me pure joy. But right now, I just don't care about anything. It's all I can do to make it through each day. I am always glad to see Fred. The wonders of nature. Good stuff. :ghug3 |
Whenever I have felt anxious or unsettled since I started recovery, it has always been preceding a major breakthrough. Yet, I still wonder if I'm just not getting it, if I will ever get it, or if maybe I just can't do it. It feels that way every time, even though I know these feelings always come right before something good. Here is my fave piece of wisdom on the subject: Language of Letting Go - May 9 - Learning New Behaviours You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go Learning New Behaviors Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward. --Codependent No More Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn. The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us. It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted. It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind. Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so easy . . . now. Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come. It shall. Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons. L |
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. |
Wicked - great blue heron's ROCK... give my love to Fred. LOL you're funny! LTD - I hope you're right... don't know if you know this, and no pressure ;-), but I hang on your every word. You never EVER disappoint. Transie - Love you! |
tigger--depression-eh, I hate it. I was always sort of melancholy from the age of 20 on. All it took was the first marriage to an alcoholic to send me into the depths of hell--my first bout of clinical depression. I know what you are feeling. For me, I would wake up and realize it was "still there" and there were times I thought it would never go away. But it did--slowly. I think our bodies let us heal in the length of time it takes. Just like a broken leg it would be great to dance a jig the next day-but you have to wait for it to heal before you can dance again. I agree that some sort of exercise of the body and soul is a wonderful way for you to feel what you feel and express it. Yoga is a great way to do it. I found another way to do this--and it may seem weird--but it is called hooping (it is not hula hooping--totally different animal). You can make your own hoop-easy to do. You can teach yourself to hoop by watching tutorials on YouTube. Not sure how it works--but I can go into a hoop class or go in the back yard and hoop and an hour later I am totally at peace. It is even more effective if you do it blindfolded. Whatever way you can find peace within yourself--and some days are harder than others. I was happy to read that you are seeing a counselor and taking the anti-depressants they prescribe. I swore I would never fall into the hell hole again. Went of my anti-depressants, married another AH (soon to be XAH) and went back into the hole. I am hoping 2 bouts of depression is enough! Hang in there. It will get better. One day you will feel a little better and start to do the things you used to do--and then one day you will wake up and it will be gone--and you will be the you you know and love again. He sounds like a major a**. Always the need to try to make you feel crappier. The thing I learned here that helped me so much when that started-- I really liked thinking of my stbxah as a giant duck, just quacking away. It even put a smile on my face and I helped me turn a deaf ear. |
I wrestle with depression too Tigger. You just have to remember that you won't ALWAYS feel like this. You have felt happiness before and you will feel it again. Black and white thinking always gets me when I'm 'in the hole' - I think I will never feel joy again and things start looking really bleak. I hold on to the thought that I have felt happy in the past, I have the capacity in me to feel happy again at some point in the future and it gives me that little crumb of hope to keep on going through another day. This summer, gardening is helping to keep me sane. I'm growing all sorts of veggies and flowers for the first time, it gets me in the sunshine and exercising gently and weeding is very therapeutic when I've had a bad day! Getting my hands dirty and watching things grow makes me feel more connected. It works for me right now, I hope you find something that works for you too. You're a special person for me on this forum and you really do deserve happiness! We all do! :ghug3 |
Hi Tigger - I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling blue :( I can only share what I have done in the past to battle the blues and it does help....as long as I keep doing it! But I'm sure you know the drill: good, regular sleep, healthy diet, meditation, vigorous exercise, volunteer work, and MAKING yourself go do things with friends (and going to church?). Can you commit to being the model 'patient' for two weeks and see if it doesn't help immensely? ...because it will. I really, really like the idea of Yoga! Even if you just take a few classes to get the hang of it, then later you can get a DVD to do at home. There are some great ones out there. I hope today is a better day....XOXO. |
Oh..and I forgot about inspirational reading... What are you reading right now? |
Unfortunately, I can't find yoga that is close or a price I can afford. W2K - I used the quacking thing when still living with almost-XAH for the 1st month I was on F/F and still living with him. I don't see him now, except in legal situations. So many of us seem to suffer from depression. Blah. Book and TPJ - I am doing as you suggest. Forcing myself to be with friends... going this wkend with a girlfriend a couple of hours North and helping her BBQ for her family. This is the same friend that took me in after the shelter. She's a tough broad, not like me at all, and she's a great friend. We also have doggies that get along great together. I walk my wonderful "woman's best friend" 3x/day, about a 10 minute walk. I do this in spite of the fact that it sucks constantly scanning my surroundings for an almost XAH with a gun. This may be part of what puts me in a funk. But my dog loves it, and has to poop, and it gives me little fresh air and exercise. I'm so glad you all are "out there" for me to hang out with. I wholeheartedly believe we save each others' lives every day on this forum. |
Got my Lexipro med increased today. Doc said it will take 5 to 10 days to notice a difference. |
Love you Tigger |
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