XABF made of point to tell me he's not drinking???
 

Against my better judgment, I broke down today and wrote to my XABF, explaining how weird it was for me to not have him there to share every day nuances with. He was, after all, my best friend.

His response included the following: "I am pretty much occupying my evening time with running, eating a light and healthy dinner, not drinking wine, a shower before bed and crashing out early."

Why would he make a point to tell me such a thing? He broke up with me because he fell out of love with me, because I "picked on him." His examples of "picking on him" did not include picking on his for his drinking (he had no examples, really), but the ONLY thing we ever argued about (one-sided arguing, it was all me, really) was his drinking. And he told me that he had been drinking more in the hopes of driving me away, that I'd break up with him first.

And now he's not drinking? And telling me about it? Being the healthy BF that I always wanted, and thought I had the first 6 months of our relationship?

:c021:

Maybe he's not an A afterall, and I'm just a complete eff up. Unlovable.

Do you believe he's not drinking? What do your instincts tell you? Maybe he's not drinking...for now, for a few days...but do you honestly believe it will last?

You're beating yourself up...you know the truth. I read your post describing your relationship and his drinking behaviors. He drinks like crazy and he is working you emotionally right now. Trying to make you feel bad and make you think you're the one with the problem. Take a deep breath and remind yourself of the reality! Reality check time.

You are NOT an eff up. You are NOT unlovable. He is trying to make you go there to take the focus off of him.

We love you here and are here for you!

And you believe his email rather than your own first-hand experience? Why?

L

Oh, yes I thought that was what just whizzed past me. A fly past of flying pink pigs.

Do you believe I just saw flying pigs? NO???

Well, that is nearer the truth than the yarn spun to you by the XBF.

Just shake head, and think how sad a man he is, then smile....cause you ain't there.

God bless

Posted earlier on someone elses post, but my XRAH used to email me when he was blitzed out of his mind.

More often then not, we talk about who we want to be, instead of who we really are. Especially the addicts.

He wants you to THINK he is not drinking. He wants you to feel exactly how you feel about that email. Like you had a problem and he never had one.

Whatever. This is one of the reasons it is important not to A dip. (A dip) After a period of no contact, dipping back into the chaos, and contacting them.

This is actually a really good thing. It confirms why you were no contact with him for awhile. It also confirms why its best not to contact him.

You fed his ego by sending him a message, stating how you missed your BFF basically, and he seized the opportunity to BOAST about how great he is. WTFE.

If he is really not drinking, odds are, he wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this, or 2nd guess your opinions about his drinking in the first place.

In my opinion he sounds kinda like a jerk.

Don't worry about your arguments being 'one-sided.'

When I was drunk I always monopolized arguments.

Oh I'm sorry. I wrote my first post without reading yours closely enough.

He may be sober. May not be. Do you have any interest in continuing contact with him?

He did take an ENTIRE WEEK off drinking in March when he was training for a half-marathon, in the hopes he'd lose a few pounds, which would in turn make the race slightly easier for him...

It's like, he CAN not-drink... maybe? :gaah

ginger, as sailorjohn asked me once:

"if he came back would you trust him?"

he can come back and run a marathon.
then celebrate with a beer. or two. or 5 or 6 on a Tuesday afternoon. or the rest of the weekend. or the rest of his life.

so even if you were "together" NOPE, in reality it would just be the DRINK lingering for whenever he feels like it. For whenever he wants to feel important, to feel someone gives a damn.


And he told me that he had been drinking more in the hopes of driving me away, that I'd break up with him first.

What an incredibly hurtful comment. NO SIREE, YOU HAVE BEEN DRINKING BECAUSE YOU, YOU, ARE A HEAVY DRINKER, AT BEST. AND a coward.



Sorry. I am angry today. This is when one learns to remember the gut feeling and what we saw, heared and experienced ourselves, even when the rest of the world is in denial. This is a very, very important tool to have in life. To trust oneself. An alcoholic is like Self Trust bootcamp. Otherwise you can go crazy wondering WTF is true, its insane.

Also I changed my avatar because this image to me it represents exactly that, to say "shhhhhh" to "THEIR" view, "THEIR" ugly way to see things, endless quacking and empty words and promises and hurting words and actions.

Its like... "silence, please...... NOW it is about listening other tunes.. .MY tunes... or just, keep the silence... its not up to you anymore"

blah, mind games!
He wants to show you that he can not drink. This is what I've learned, addicts feel "less than" to everyone else. And then they meet a partner who is critical and they feel worse.
They get away from their "source" of criticism and then have this false sense of self. Thinking they felt like cr*p because the person they were with made them feel that way....Blame shifting

What he's trying to do it show you he is "a ok"

No contact is hard, but it will help you heal faster, but I understand wanting to keep the lines open because you have so many questions and your ties were not cut yet.

Not that I want in ANY WAY for you to get back with an active addict, but if history repeats itself, he will be trying to get you back as soon as he realizes he's not A OK and you'll be the best thing since sliced bread.

Years after my ex, he said to me that he should have never let go because I was the best thing that ever happened to him. OF COURSE I WAS, but he was THE WORST thing to ever happen to me. I won, he lost :-)

Gingercharlie,

I'm sorry, but he does seem like a jerk. He reminds me of an ex a few years ago. He broke up with me because, "he didn't love me anymore". His replys to me always sounded like your ex. The simple fact was, the guy was emotionally unavailable.

Consider it a blessing. He sounds selfish and arrogant, and he wouldn't be able to give you the time of day.

And trust me, you are loveable! He's just not worthy of YOUR love.

Yep... my xah would tell me the same thing! It's denial... it's noise...

Sure you've been HIS best friend... but how is he at being YOUR best friend?

No contact is a way of protecting YOU from any additional hurt and chaos.
Boundaries are a way of protecting YOU from any additional hurt and chaos.

No contact and boundaries are NOT there to punish them... letting go means letting them live the life THEY CHOOSE.

The longer you remain in contact with him the more confusion and pain you will endure... been there done that.

YOU ARE LOVABLE.... but until YOU see it... KNOW it... you will continue to question it.

He will tell you anything... that's what alcoholics do.

As summer peach said, it is all mind games. They love to play those mind games.

Yes they do and it's not out of spite or bad intent, it's about control
They have SO little control in thier additctive state that they try to gain control in other areas of their lives. Hence the "I dont love you anymore"
Leave her before she leaves me for being a boob!

I'm an alcoholic. I'm also an addict. I have had months of sobriety before, but that means absolutely nothing in regards to being an addict or alcoholic. I 'quit' many times to 'prove' I could "not use/drink". It means absolutely nothing to take a break. Course, he may not be an alcoholic no one but him can decide that. Stop putting yourself through the torture of the games, you're a willing and active participant hun.. You started this exchange. He's made it clear he doesn't want to be with you, it really seems pointless to hang on whether or not he's drinking.

But remember, he said he'd been drinking a lot to **** me off and push me away, in the hopes that I'd break up with him first... He claimed he'd been a coward for months, and hoped I pull the trigger so that he wouldn't have to.

He was VERY upset during our conversation, claiming he was so upset about having to hurt me...

Do you want to spend your life trying to make sense of his ramblings? Or do you want to accept that he doesn't want to be with you and get out with some dignity?

He doesn't make sense, he won't make sense. he is blaming YOU for his drinking. Do you accept the responsibility for that? Wouldn't a decnt human being just say, "This relationship isn't working for me. We should break up." instead of blaming you for his methods?:c029:

Read this again and pretend that you didn't write it. Read it from the perspective of looking in from outside.

He drank a lot so you would break up with him? And when that didn't 'work,' he broke up with you? And now he's upset because he 'had to' hurt you?

On what planet does any of that make sense? In what universe does this guy remotely resemble someone you would want to be with?

L

A week of not drinking does not a sober person make. It's common for A's to quit for a period of time and claim they can stop drinking anytime. As though quitting for a day/week/month/whatever acquits them of alcoholism. Ya, not so much.