You see? THIS is the reason why No Contact means do not contact him. Because you can NEVER figure out what is the truth when you are dealing with these people and they *#&! with your head to no end.

Now you are this: :c021:
When you should be this: :Dance7:

Now, what is the smilie code for the Codie Police? I can't find it!

[QUOTE=gingercharlie;2628826]But remember, he said he'd been drinking a lot to **** me off and push me away, in the hopes that I'd break up with him first... He claimed he'd been a coward for months, and hoped I pull the trigger so that he wouldn't have to.

He was VERY upset during our conversation, claiming he was so upset about having to hurt me...[/QUOTE]

I got almost the same phone call. Upset about hurting me. I told her that I was not ready to talk to her, and that it would be on my terms when I decided to forgive, not hers. So stop calling! She is now blocked on everything!

Every time I ignored that quiet little voice within (ie, my better judgment), I always invited pain into my life.

How are you going to heal from the effects of his alcoholism on your life?

I guess what I'm struggling with, is the "cause" and "control" parts of the Al-Anon "rule."

I keep thinking that I did cause him to drink (MORE, not to begin with), and that I could have controlled how much he drank by not letting go of myself and/or picking on him.

To you guys, it doesn't make sens. But in my mind, he started drinking more because I made him unhappy. Then I picked on him about the drinking, which made him unhappier, and he drank more. Then he realized that I was about to walk out because of his drinking, and because he's conflict avoidant and couldn't do it himself, he chose to drink so much in the hopes it would drive me away.

That's how I'm thinking/feeling.

:c020:

So, by your own logic, you are powerful enough to make him drink, and make him unhappy. If that were true, you would also be powerful enough to make him stop, and make him happy. Right?

I wonder how come you are so powerful, when the rest of us aren't?

L

In our world, we call it quacking. He is an addict, His thoughts don't follow in any understandable order.

Truthfully, I don't think he didn't want you or love you, I think it was a "leave her before she leaves me"
Even the best of them cannot fake love. A man WILL NOT go away with a women he doesn't love.
And the WORST thing an addict can feel is rejection so I'm not buying he was hoping you would leave. That is a crock of poo.
He rejected first in order to save his sad little ego

Your ex is sick and makes no sense and you will spend a life time trying it decipher all his nonsense.

He's going to drink with or without you. He's using you as an excuse.

It took me a long time to go NC... and I still struggle, but it makes you feel A LOT better.. Everyone is right, you will never understand, and you're always going to feel guilty or to blame.

"To you guys, it doesn't make sens. But in my mind, he started drinking more because I made him unhappy. Then I picked on him about the drinking, which made him unhappier, and he drank more. Then he realized that I was about to walk out because of his drinking, and because he's conflict avoidant and couldn't do it himself, he chose to drink so much in the hopes it would drive me away."

Trust me, it makes sense to me. He succeeded in making you responsible for his unacceptable behavior. Honestly, if you look at this from an outsiders view - it sounds rather silly. I can empathize with you though, so don't take this the wrong way.

What LTD said.

Tbh, he doesn't sound like he's adult enough to have a proper relationship. He, like I was in all honesty, has no business being in relationships when things like alcohol and passive-agressiveness are the prime ways to deal with problems. Whether you choose to involve yourself in that, that's your perogative, but I do have to ask WHY?

He said it is your fault because.....he didn't want to hurt you.
He drank heavily only to get you to end the relationship.
He is so upset that he had to hurt you.

If you weren't such a sensitive, little flower...he would have been honest with you and wouldn't have needed to drink like he did to p*ss you off.
Everything he did was for your sake, he only thought of your good.

There goes that squadron of pigs, just flying past.

What a total and utter load of codswallop. Do not, for even 1 millisecond, believe a word he says, because the only person he considered at all, was and still is, him.
If he is trying to get you to believe him and get you back, it is for his need and his good.

The greatest good he did you, was push you out the door, and that was only incidental, he did not do that for your sake, so for heaven's sake do not believe him.

Stay away, go complete NC, and work on you and your wants, needs and dream.

God bless

I just love that word. Can't stop saying it.

codswallop.....codswallop.....codswallop.......

hehehe

L

:rotfxko :You_Rock_

Quotes of the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, because by the time he chose to breakup with me, he took away my power to do anything.

I keep thinking... he's not drinking, and he's happy, without me.

With me, he was unhappy, and a drinker.

I know! Why is that?! Why am I feeling this way??

You never had the power over him to begin with...

Do you truly believe that statement?

Errr. Does that even make sense?

You had the power to stop him when you were together, but he didn't. Now you don't have the power because you are not together, yet he's stopped. Is that right?

You never had any power over his drinking. Or, indeed, his happiness. Do you think you did?

He cannot 'take away' power you never had. You do not have ANY power over him, and you never did. The only person ANY of us has power over is ourselves. Addicts try to convince us that we are to blame because they do not have the courage to admit that they are responsible for their own actions.

My XAH once quit drinking for four months. And he convinced me that he did it because of me. Then, when he started drinking again, of course it was my fault.

L

Thanks for that, that made me laugh! :c008:

I understand that when two people who really care about each other, breakup because it's just not working, they still care about and protect the other's feelings. They watch what they say, and are kind and gentle. I know, I've been there.

But this guy, he's so ... cold, now. When I saw him last weekend when I was gathering my things from his house, he said something to the effect of, "I have to do what's right for me, regardless of how that affects you."

Yes, I agree with the basic tenent of that message, but he was just being such a cold person... ya know? It was like I was sitting there thinking, "Really, all you're thinking about it yourself!"

I am fairly certain he's not trying to get me back. That's why I don't understand why he told me that. It's like someone else said... if he really didn't think he had a problem, and really wasn't drinking, why say that?

I mean, I don't have a problem, and I'm not drinking, but I didn't tell him that I'm not drinking.

I guess so, yeah. In my gut, somewhere, I feel like I had power/control/responsibility/something, over his happiness.

Probably explains why I thought he had power/control/responsibility over MY happiness. I only very recently figured out that he didn't.