Am I really crazy, or is he?
 

Hello everyone! I just discovered this site today, and love it, already!
My dad was an alcoholic, but stopped drinking when I was about 13. Before that, he made our lives MISERABLE! My brother is an alcoholic, and my ex husband is a severe one.
I am SO confused about why I keep seeking out the men that drink. I met what I thought was a wonderful man at my new job, and we had been dating just a short time when he asked me to marry him. I knew he drank beer, but he was very rigid about when he drank, which was Friday after work, and on Saturdays. The first 2 weekends that I dated him, he was ok, but did drink. He was a smiling, funny drunk, not a mean one, like my dad always was. I thought, ok, I can handle this, he owns his own business, and just needs to let off steam on the wkends.Well, the 3rd weekend, was a total shock to me. OMG. he turned into a total monster, and called me every name in the book, and accused me of all types of weird stuff, even giving him a sexual disease, and stealing his salad at lunch that day. I have never seen this type of behavior before, not even with my dad, OR my ex hubby.
Can ANYONE explain what is going on with this man? Like my title says, is he crazy, or am I?
He is blaming this ALL on me, and gave me some stupid reason for it being all my fault.
I REALLY did start caring for the guy, and he is wonderful when not drunk. Right now, he is in the AA program, has been since I split with him. He now says his sponsor says to stay away from me, that he has to forget I ever existed. I work in the office next to his office, and see him everyday.
WHAT is going on? I feel like I am going crazy, and have become quite depressed over the whole thing.

Hello life,

Welcome to the forums! You're not crazy. He may not be either. He may just be an alcoholic. He must think so, or he would not have gone to AA. Who knows what his sponser actually said. Alcoholics in recovery are encouraged not to begin new relationships for at least a year. Maybe it was that. It must be very difficult seeing him every day at work.

I would encourage you, if you've never been to an alanon meeting, to give it a try. With your family history you may have picked up some bad mental habits that draw you to these needy people. There are also a lot of great books out there about codependency. Look at the "power posts" at the top of this forum. There's one called "book club" and it has a list of reading material recommended by our members.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke

I seem to be a "drunk magnet" myself
 

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and married a "recovering alcoholic" who went back to drinking after being sober for six years.
I can understand why you may be questioning your judgement at this point. I did the same thing myself. When my ex-husband started drinking again, I felt like I had been drawn back into my worst childhood nightmares.
The best advice I can offer you at this point is the advice that Jill Connor Brown (author of The Sweet Potato Queens books) gives.
And that is...Be particular.
I think that those of us who have spent time being the significant other of alcoholics tend to choose poorly because our self-esteem is so beat up.
So from this day forward...be particular. Choose quality friends, quality jobs, quality men and most importantly...a quality life. Think of yourself as someone who deserves nothing but the best. It's a much better way to live your life.
Welcome to the board. This place is chock full of quality people.
Peace,
Gabe

Hello--

Welcome!! I love your name!!

I also am the daughter of an alcolholic, so I think we can relate a little. Unfortunately, mine is still drinking although he "quit." Grrr.

You are NOT crazy. After you realize that things might be a little clearer. It probably wouldn't hurt to stay out of the dating scene for awhile and really look around for the next guy. Get to know him really well before consenting to an actual date. If alcohol is in the picture then keep moving on. I like Gabe's advice-be particular, you have the right to be choosy!! Go ahead and look for the perfect guy, you deserve it!!

If he is working the program, it is possible that he may clean up his act, and you may even get an apology somewhere. Even if he does clean up, I would leave this one alone. If work is getting to stressful, you may want to consider looking around for another job, its up to you.

I would recommend also, checking into some of the books.
Welcome again, glad to have you with us. You may also want to check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics board. It doesn't get as many posts, but Just Tired posts some great quotes and stuff.
Love you tons!

--Ångel

You're not crazy though substance abusers are GREAT at denial and manipulation and spinning things so you doubt yourself.
This early in the relationship....RUN! You deserve better. You can't fix them.

Sorry if this comes across harsh, you sound like a big hearted woman!

-Midknight

****** SCREAM }}} I fell for this man from the FIRST moment I was introduced to him! IF I run, as suggested, I feel as if I would be desserting him! BUT.. OMG... the weeks around our office become crazy, when he calls me. It has now been a month since he last did a decent day's work. He has come in for an hour or two a few times, but he is definately getting much worse!
His AA sponsor had him talked into going to a center to get help, and was even going on the plane trip with him. RIGHT before his flight took off, he jumped off and ran. Caught a cab home, and called me. He left is truck, his sister, his AA sponsor, his luggage, ALL behind at the airport. He kept telling me on the phone that the loves me, and just wants us to get married. I told him he had to get help, before any future could be planned for us.
Today, right in the middle of my work day, he called, and told me he really didn't love me, that he was marrying someone else, and for me to take care of myself! Of course, he was drunk. I SO want to help this man, but he is making it IMPOSSIBLE!. GRrr.. sorry, I just needed to vent!

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
This fellow is messing with your mind, his disease
is going to keep your head spining.
When my life became chaos I found the rooms of
alanon to be my salvation, a new way of life , a new way of thinking. When storm clouds come I have tools to find my way out of the dark, something I didnt have before. We have been effected by the drinking of someone else. I too came from
alcoholic roots.
Do something good for yourself Life.
Hugs
liddy

Hi liddy
Thanks for the advice. I am mentally SCREWED because of this guy, but do have enough sense to stay away from his house. I guess I will just have to stop taking calls from him.
I went out on a date this past Tuesday night, and am going out with the same man, Saturday night. SO, I am getting on with life, just feel SO bad because I can't help this man!

OMG!!!!! My ex b/f, D, just came into the office this morning, with quite a shocker! He talked a barmaid into running off to Las Vegas this past weekend, and getting married! OMG.. so.. in other words, he never loved me, in the first place? I agonized over this man, felt guilty for NOT putting up with his drinking, and all he wanted, was a wife??? Didn't matter who it was, as long as he was married?

Are you sure he doesn't have a mental illness on top of alcoholism? Schizophrenia? Borderline personality disorder/

No he probably didn't love you he was probably lookibng for someone to take responsibility for him. Thank your lucky stars you found out very early on.

And you keep saying you so want to help him, you can't.

Ngaire

OMG he got married! Well I think he may have just done you a huge favor! The heartache will pass sweetie. I am sorry for your heart!

LG

Hey, thanx yall for the comments. OMG.. it is STILL such a shock! He is telling everyone in the office, that he can't wait to see my reaction! HOW do I handle this, any suggestions?

oh, also.. one of you asked me if he has mental illness? His dad was also a huge alcoholic, and played mental games the whole time he was growing up. I tried to get him to talk to a counselor, but he wouldn't. I am quite sure he has mental problems, very, very major ones. Yes, I count myself lucky to have gotten out of it almost before it began.. Thank God, I found this place, it helped!

LIfe
I think playing it cool is the name of the game
offer him lots of good luck-he's goin to need it !
Hugs
liddy

Life,

I say lack of reaction is the best one! Wish him luck, tell him you are happy for him, and put on your best game face. Cry where he cant see you!!! Thank god for unanswered prayers when wiping away those tears!

LG

sigh.. ok.. thanx yall, once again for the advice. I am the type of person that wears my feelings on my sleeve, AND my face, so this is REALLY going to be hard. His office is next to ours, but unless I go talk to my boss, I DON"T have to see him. GRRRRrr.. I HATE having to avoid someone! He is 42, the bar maid is ONLY 24, and he is telling everyone how much better she is than I am. WHAT a jerk! Yes, THANK GOD I got away from him..

He is only making himself look stupid when he talks bad about you anyways. People can usually see through that. Chant the serenity prayer in your head! Think of him quacking when he talks. Think of him sitting on the toilet everytime you see him, or something to make you smile or laugh. Do whatever you have to girl! You will be ok... hang in there!

LG

LOL... OMG!!!! LettingGo.,. you are SOOO FUNNY!!! Thanx, that REALLY gave me a great laugh, and I sure needed one, today!
Well, I just had my first confrontation with him.. sigh.. I did something REALLY stupid! I thanked him for telling me that he really loved me, and said I went back to my ex b/f.. JJEEEEEZZZ! OMG.. Did that sound stupid, or what? He doesn't believe it, either.. I just made myself look the dummy...

OK Life,

Stop the chaos! Stop the bleeding! Stop explaining any aspect of your life or who you are to him! He is not worth your time and you are just going to have to fake it till ya make it with this one. You WILL get over him and thank god for that! Smile and dont explain, it will make people wonder what you are up to! Easier said then done I know. No more making him jealous episodes! If you feel an explanation, or exaggeration, or a flat out lie coming up through your mouth again, promptly place your hand over your mouth, about face and run the other way. Yes you will look like a mad woman, but so what. It is better then letting your "mouth runneth over"! I used to have a horrible case of MOYA (pronounced just as it looks). That is "mouth overloading your a$$!" That is exactly what just happened. It gives him satisfaction to see you squirm, to see you jealous. I am serious, fake it! We have to fake everything else in life why not that! OK OK I am just kidding about the last statement, but serious about the rest!

LG

UGGgg!!!! WHY am I so dumb? I am way too gulliable, and he knows it! LettingGo, you are REALLY fun to chat back and forth with though. You are actually letting me see the humor in this WHOLE situation! I just ate lunch, and where was he? Right beside me, taking his ring off, telling me he would divorce her NOW, if I said the word.. AS long as we immediately got married. I am beginning to think he made the married part up? WHY do alcoholics lie so much? Does the truth hurt too bad?

OMG he is making me sick! Girl you just think..... that precious gem could be yours! No Way! He is sick.... and you are too! That is blunt i know but he is jerking your chain in the worst way. I bet he would divorce her in a heartbeat, it doesn't quite work that way. Why does he want to trap you into marrying him so quickly? That is not love honey, it is manipulation. As far as why do alchoholics lie, well I should let you know, I am a double dipper in that I am a member of AA and Alanon. Funny I know, you would think that since I was in Alanon first I could have avoided AA, but didn't quite work out for me like that. Anyways, yes I think that alchoholics lie because of guilt but keep in mind we sicko alchoholics are not exactly shining examples of mental stability! We have HUGE character defects and honey his are nearly slapping you in the face. If you have to run into the brick wall a few times before you go around it then believe me, I understand that obnoxious need for I have had it enough myself, then so be it. Do what you have to do but dont get pregnant and dont get married!!! Whatever you do save yourself that heartache and just know that neither of those 2 occurances will change who he is. That man has issues and he is playing you like a fiddle. Stay strong! Imagine toilet! Quack quack quack. He is so predictable, next he will go to the other extreme and say something like I didnt want you back anyways...... or now he will have some tramatic breakup he wants you to nurse him through..... and even more predictable is he will quit drinking but cannot do it without your support. I could wring his neck and I dont even know him! Well, now that I have my panties in a wad, I will end my rant!

LG

*Hugz*
 

My mom was recently faced with a similar situation...not exact, but pretty similar. Her AH attacked her physically one night and she took a stand and told him "no more". She kicked him out of her house and once he heard her say that he couldn't come back, he was mean, nasty, ignorant, and found 2 other women to "take responsability for him" (Very well put, Myles...that line opened my eyes to reality a bit more). It was really hard for her to kick him out and tell him no, she loved him and still (at times) misses him. But she asked me one day how I got over the unobtainable, I said "he found someone else" b/c that must obviously mean they're over you that quickly. Perhaps your "Mr. Man" just wanted a rise out of you and did it solely to shock you...he probably thought, "oh, NOW she'll run to me". Just be strong, like everyone said...thank god this happened now. All you can do now is take the crap and learn from it. *Hugz* ~Damaged

Thanx, yall.. once again for your magic words! I do have to say, though.. that I ended it with him a month ago, and have tried to just be his friend. IT WONT WORK!!! Yes, he is definately trying to manipulate me, but I am TOO strong for it to wash! We work in offices that are side by side, and NO, I will NOT quit this wonderful job for him! My boss just told me to NOT play into his drama, and just ignore him from now on. That is what I am going to try to do. Oh, and I am aged 45.. and CANNOT get pregnant, and would NEVER marry such a creature! He did have me fooled at first, but I got over it. I just need to know how to work in the same area, and not throw something at this nut!

I dont know how you will work there other than to act like he does not exist. I mean you dont have to be childish about it, but I think whenever you can just ignore him the better. He will get tired of it and move on.

LettingGO, yes, I do think you are right. I am a very strong person, or think I am, and I think I can handle this, I was sick and not able to work yesterday, so this is my Monday. I think each day I am able to come to work, and just be courteous but distant with him, will make me that much stronger.
I am dating a very nice man, and have been seeing him for a couple of weeks. He is very pleasant to be around, and is NOT into drama.....
So, I only have this crap here! When he sees I am NOT playing into his hands anymore, I'm sure he will give up.
Thank you SOOOO much, LG.., for talking to me today.. You and the others have really been here for me! This is a GREAT place!

Oh you are so welcome! I know I come across as so strong sometimes and full of opinion, but I get passionate about certain things! I hate to see a man workin someone over who is good. It is just unacceptable. Anyways, You are strong and you CAN do it! You will be fine. Use this message board to get you through. It really does help to have people you can just unload on! Glad to have met you my friend!

LG

Yes, this msg. board has REALLY gotten me through this day. I have a GREAT boss, and a GREAT job, and I am NOT letting some stupid man ruin it all for me! I moved here to St. Louis to enjoy life, not be in a prison of some man's making! I am slightly naive, though.. and ALMOST fell prey to this man. I will probably lean pretty heavy on this msg.board for awhile, until he leaves me ALL the way, alone! Thanx, again, LG!

LettingGo,
Just in case you or anyone else checked to see if I had posted anything today.. He didn't show up for work today! That means he has started drinking, once again! NOW I feel guilty, cuz I led him to believe I went back to my ex /bf, and that was what he was afraid of, in the first place! HOW do I stop feeling guilty about this man????

Life -

How can you possibly feel guilty that he might be drinking today? Isn't he the one that went to Las Vegas and married someone else and then came back and rubbed your nose in it? There has to be more problems with this man than alcohol. You are so very very lucky that he has become someone elses problem. Thank your lucky stars that he has let you out of this situation. You don't owe him a single thing. You owe yourself some peace and sanity. You might feel sorry for the mess he is making out of his life but you don't have to let him mess your life up too. Take care of yourself, say a prayer for him and let God handle him. Good luck to you.

Jo

Hi Jo, and thanks for the advice. I know, I know, I just have to LET GO of the entire situation. I do say a prayer for him every night, and have since I realized he has such huge problems. His dad really did a number on him, while he was growing up!
I just need to stop worrying about him. Yes, you are right, I feel bad about his AWFUL life from hell!