Just moved in with my recovering bf
 

He is a recovering alcohlic and coke addict. I believe he has been clean and sober for 5 years (before we started dating). I have no other family members or close friends who suffer from addiction. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable with him and his demons. My judgmental mom told me to stay away from him, why would I want to be with someone who had such problems? Needless to say I didn't listen to her and we have been together for 3 years. It's been difficult at times, but the wonderful times outweigh the bad.

I've accepted that his recovery is an ongoing process and he will never be cured. Still, he is just an extremely difficult person to get along with. Moving in together just put a magnifying glass up to the parts of his personality that I just can't comprehend. He told me to get a book on living with an addict, but I'd figured I should start here to look for support.

The magnitude of what he has to deal with kind of overwhelms me at times. I can't imagine how difficult it is for him.

Will he always be this angry and argumentative and defensive? He argues like it's a sport. Will he ever take care of his health? He'd rather let his teeth rot out of his head than actually go to a dentist. Is it because he thinks his teeth aren't worth taking care of? He says he doesn't mind if I keep booze in the house. Should I throw it out anyway? If anyone has any good pointers /advice/books on living with an addict, I would greatly appreciate it.

Welcome to SR! So sorry for what you are going through. Other's will be along shortly to give great advice.

I can only tell you a bit about my history with my exrabf (ex recovering boyfriend). He stopped drinking 3 months after we started dating, he was 33 and had been drinking since about 16. But as the months went on, he was nasty sober, if not worse. He's depressed and refuses to seek help other than AA IF he's still there. We are no longer together and it's been difficult for me to get over.

Friends here once told me that "you can take the alochol away from the alcoholic and what you are left with is ick". That was definately my case. My ex is who he is regardless, drinking or not. He chose unacceptable behavior and lives a miserable, unhealthy, sad life and i don't want to live that way.

I can't say what is going on with your situatoin but maybe this is truly who he is and it's more clear as you live together. Keep reading, look at the stickies at the top of this forum. I could so relate and everyone here is so great. You can read any of our histories :)

Al-anon was a great start for me too.

Welcome. You are in the right place for support and information.

Reading the stickies at the top of the forum are a great place to start reading.

Why does he get a free pass on $hitty behaviour just because he is recovering?

Your description sounds similar to what I've read here about a condition known as "dry drunk." They aren't drinking, but still have all the behaviors as if they are.

What exactly do you mean when you refer to his "recovery"? What kind of a program is he in? Does he go to AA? I'm asking because I'm curious, not because I think you should (or could) get him to go.

Essentially what he's saying here is that you need to learn how to deal with addicts because he has no intention of changing his behavior.

Once it was clear that my addict had no intention of changing, I began to realize that any changes in my relationship had to begin with me.

sounds like he is dry, *NOT* sober. Sobriety is abstinence from chemicals AND actively participating in a spiritual recovery program.

Does he go to AA and is active there?

google "dry drunk syndrome' or "relapse syndrome". it sounds like he is heading for a slip or a complete relapse. and you are likely looking for support because your intuition tells you this. if he does not become rigorously involved in a support group,
the probability is very high you will soon be living with an active drug addict. you will be best prepared if you educate yourself about addicts in the relapse syndrome and if you educate yourself about what happens to those who live with active addicts. you are in the right place. keep reading and preparing, if you want to stay with him through whatever is to come. your own emotional and physical safety will depend on it. he will abuse you if he is not in recovery. that is what addicts do.

sending love to you.

p.s. i would throw out the booze. a drug-free home is a very symbolic statement.

I kind of just wanted to better understand what my bf has to live with.

Attend an open AA meeting and listen to the recovering addicts. Then you can decide for yourself if his personal level of recovery is something YOU can live with.

I can't help you understand what he has to live with since I've never been an addict. I can help you understand the effects of living with living with an alcholic by sharing my experiences.

Attending AlAnon can help you understand what effects it will have on you if you continue to live with him and how to handle yourself.

Perhaps reading one of the forums for addicts will give you some insight to what your BF is going thru?

Thanks everyone! My bf is a pain sometimes, but I don't consider him to be abusive by any means. I really do not expect that he will start using again nor do I see any warnings signs. Many times prior to living together, I actually forgot he was an addict/alcholic. It was just such a non-issue.

Now that we live together, I'm seeing parts of him that I never got to see before. I realized that if we are spending a life together, I better eduate myself. The only problem I seem to find (the same problem I have with the mental health field) is that everyone is lumped together under the diagnosis. Addicts all behave this way, or depressed people all behave that way. Are addicts really more similar than any other group?

They all relapse, they all must go to AA?

everyone is lumped together under the diagnosis. Addicts all behave this way,

It's because of the commonalities of the disease that friends and family members of addicts find the understanding they seek on this particular board.

Leo....I wanted to believe that XABF wasn't really an A. I justified a lot of his drinking and thought that many of his behaviour patterns were his and that he was unique....they weren't....they were the behaviours of an A in need of a 12 step programme.

Are addicts really more similar than any other group?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html This is a post called WHAT ADDICTS DO written by an addict. It was one of my eye openers.

ARL

I imagine familly and friends find a lot of solidarity among one another.

I imagine addicts do too.

I imagine familly and friends find a lot of solidarity among one another.

Yes, there is solidarity and that is comforting but then I reached a point where I knew that my reason for being on "F & F" was for ME. I couldn't change the A in my life. The only person I had control over was myself. If I had been happy and content in my relationship with my A, I wouldn't have sought the understanding and insight of a recovery board like SR.

And I want to address something you said, Leogirl, in your original post about your "judgmental mom". I am a mother of two young adults. They ask me for advice and sometimes I give them my own opinions about their lives....that's what mothers (and fathers) do. We have something called experience and that gives us a slight edge on insight into what might or might not be best for those we love. Your mother probably wonders WHY, with everything you have in your favour, you want to saddle yourself with a person who might not ever be able to give you everything you deserve in life. And you know what's interesting in my own situation with my own very elderly mother? I downplayed XABF's addiction probably so she wouldn't start in on me about how I could do better. I think when we start throwing around the "judgmental" word we are getting defensive about our own actions or lack of actions. JMO! I hope that you and your mother are at a point where you agree to disagree for now.

ARL

My exabf couldn't have been further from abusive, he was (so i thought) kind, loving, and caring. But he was a raging alcoholic that is seeking recovery (he's not drinking, but he's not living a healthy sober life either....BIG difference). I'm starting to realize (thanks to SR) that i couldn't live with him drunk or sober...this is who he is period. Someone that displays total unacceptable behavior, he held onto that "nice guy" attitude for as long as he could and the true him came out.

Just out of curiosity what is unacceptable to you?

Good question, it's mainly because I want to spend my life and future with him. It feels very natural- I love him like no other. Despite us butting heads at times, I still run up the stairs when I come home from work because I know he is going to be there. I still get little happy butterflies in my stomach when I see him. I realize these are not the foundations of a relationship, yet they remind me I'm in the right place. He's never once lied to me, never once cheated on me, and never once done anything to hurt me.

It's the potential hurting of himself that I most worry about. Hurtig himself would hurt me too.

I have noticed he likes to take things slowly in the relationship. I was upset a few weeks ago because we aren't married yet. He said he wants to get his **** more together before we tie the knot. I can appreciate that. Although most traditional ladies say if he really loved me, he would have already proposed. Still, I say he is not like every other guy, and I don't mind waiting.

He has a great job, a nice truck, and we've had the apartment for 6 months. I think he's doing pretty good for himself. I've accepted that fact that I will never change him or save him from himself if there is ever trouble in the future. Yet- I still harp on him about quitting smoking - he really is an addictive person, eh.