I get the switch part...believe me I do!! Last summer we took a beach trip-this was after him leaving the first time, we hardly ever get time away. The beach trip-a bad trip. He had me pull over many times driving so he can fill up his cup of vodka. The whole several days at the beach, non stop hitting the bar, disappearing, I was basically at the beach by myself. I know he doesn't drink during work, only as soon as he comes home-stops off at the ABC store, hits a couple mini's then once at our house-drinks till they are all gone. I encouraged when we were dating for him to stay engaged with support groups. He kept saying he was okay, no need, he's fine "Oh God no I'm not going back there again..." (meaning drinking) He realized his past was bad, and he came out of it, and met me and we had this incredible relationship, and my god how she showed me love... not buying me things, but what he did in actions. When he started drinking again in 2017 I tried very hard to get him to go to meetings, talk to people-again-refused. Once we moved into our own home-the drinking worsened..he would sit after work and drink. Yet as strange as it sounds, we were still connected, still intimate, still sharing our thoughts, having conversations. But 2021 was the year his drinking, the drugs from his coworkers.. nothing would convince him. Then the woman, again a drinker crying to him about how unhappy she was with her live in, him complaining that I didn't understand his drinking. Two month Rehab spring 2021, him telling me he's going to be a better husband, me telling him, be honest, just love me, and we can handle the drinking together. But in reality he was already involved with her then left in May 2021. Came back never confused, I had to find out on his cell phone about his adultery... and when I did confront him, again-he said he loved me-we can get through this together. All last summer, all this year, there's this woman-telling him "get away from her, she's causing you to drink" Yet she does it too, had detox, relapsed herself.....he loves me but apparently isn't in love and doesn't want to be married anymore. He said "we've tried." I told him, no you haven't tried anything because you have been spending all your spare time with her. So called working side jobs, yet I've seen no money for house bills. Drinking and staying at her house ...wrong on so many levels. Him listening to her, him confiding in her, her egging him on.. Yes-I'm told if he loved you he wouldn't have gone to her. Yes true, but also alcoholism doesn't allow you to think, act or do properly. He is to blame, and so is she.....I hate her with every thing I have, and I am trying to hate him as well. I'm tired of being a door mat, I'm tired of him getting intimate with me, then ignoring me the next day. I'm tired of him acting as if I am nothing to him. I have done so much, and yes I ignored me. When I fought back to tell him I will not do this anymore, I'm not living with three in my marriage. You have to get sober for yourself, and only you can do it. I know people tell you, in time it gets better, in time you'll met someone, in time, in time... I'm so tired of hearing about time!! My guts and heart are ripped out completely!!! I don't have time. I want to hate him now!!! I want to not love him so that yes maybe I'll find happiness. However my life for 17 years was with him, and yes the last two have been hell because of his cheating and drinking. So I abandon him? Yes I have to, for he filed for divorce and he will not stop it and say "I am so sorry..." He wont have a place to live, NOT my problem I know. He made the choice not me. He chose to drink, he chose to go and sleep with another woman, he chose to ruin a good relationship. Because he claims he isn't in love anymore. Well GD him!!!! How easily it is for those to use, step on and then just walk away. I am keeping the house, not sure I can afford on my own-it will be very very tight, and I need another part time job. But I will have a home to sleep in, I won't have to get rid of my pets. I guess he won't have a place to live, unless his tramp takes him in, yet he said "why would I go there?"......my response was "well for over a year, that's where you've been and that's why our marriage was destroyed" I do hope she stomps on his heart just like he did mine. I do hope that down the road, she too has her heart broken hard as she did mine when she knew he was married, and used the excuse "he wasn't happy." is why she said she slept with him. Yes I know I have much bitterness and it will eat me up. But I'm dying on the inside, I don't know who I am, I don't have "hobbies" anymore, what I enjoyed these last 17 years was hanging out with my husband, going grocery shopping, or lounging and watching TV, or going to a farmers market, or a day trip drive. Laying in bed at nights, just holding onto each other so tight, him reaching out to touch me to make sure I am there. Me reaching out to him and holding onto, with him saying "I'm right here baby I'm not going anywhere I promise" And even this past weekend, we just laid in bed holding on, with him telling me it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay"... yes he was drinking-and I'm sure he was just playing or using me. god I feel like crap!!! When they say ...I just want to crawl under a rock and die"... yep feel that. I don't have any more strength to go through another day, honestly. Outside the drinking, even during it-he still was this man I love greatly. The feel of his skin, he;s face I just like to put in my hands... I know I will never find anyone that has made me feel what I have with him.....and I don't want to settle for just anyone.....but I need that great love, that companionship, that person that's just for me. I get it, I have lost my freaking mind!!!

You haven't lost it yet! So hold on. This is a thing that can cause cognitive dissonance with a drinking partner. Especially as alcoholism is progressive and it can progress very quickly. It has a strong hold on him now. His mind is not ok. You can not fix this.

So the cognitive dissonance - your mind is holding on to one idea, but what you are feeling and experiencing is something else. You speak lovingly of him but he's not loving, he is mean and deceitful, he lies, he cheats, he drinks. BUT at the same time, he is sitting there, with the same voice, he looks pretty much the same he's even nice sometimes.

The mind struggles with that. It's like he's "there" but he isn't "there". How do you resolve that?

First of all, if there is any way you can encourage him to leave sooner, I would. You can't start to heal until you can start to resolve this in your own mind. The anger will come, right now you are venting it on the other woman, again, she may be a shrew, but she is not married to you, she made you no promises. Is her behaviour bad, no doubt, but she is not your problem.

He said:

Well, at least that's the truth. You mentioned you could deal with a bit of drinking but not this. This is his drinking, that's what he wants to do. Understanding/accepting is not in the cards for you. He will go off and drink.

I'm going to bump up a thread in the forum for you to have a look at - being rejected by the reject (harsh name, but the message is important).

One other thing, please don't let yourself reach the end of your rope.

If you are feeling suicidal at all, please call the hotline and talk to them, they will be happy to listen and advise. I think you mentioned you have a therapist? Sorry I can't remember but if you do, please call for an appointment today, tell them it's urgent. If nothing else, go to your doctor today or the hospital if you like, you never have to be alone in this, people will help if you reach out.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-suicidal.html

Hi zoi. Sorry if my message over-stepped yesterday, it's hard to judge sometimes where people are at in text, you know? Just wanted to make sure you had someone to talk to if needed to vent.

How are you doing today?

You will come to hate him, and you’ll forget about her. Then you’ll stop caring about him so much. Then you’ll be mad at yourself for tolerating it, but you’ll need to accept that hindsight is 20/20, and we never stop learning. Even if he got sober, came back, was himself, time will work on correcting your perception of him, because trust has been broken. You can’t unknow what has been revealed to you. The universe will continue to send you red flags, as many as it takes. He can relapse anytime and it all starts over again once (big if) he gets sober and works on recovery with his everything. I went through something very similar with my ex. My pain couldn’t be healed fast enough. But that pain is you already healing, I see that now. And one day I seriously woke up and I didn’t care about him anymore. It was like a miracle, god answered my prayers. But I know better, the pain got me there. And I’ll never let this happen to me again. He’s going to fall flat on his face. Step back and watch Mother Nature do her job, stop interfering with it. You don’t need to be his mother anymore. Be your own mother.

Because nobody gets into a relationship just to detach later on. I too sneered at Al-Anon at first. I felt like if I wanted to detach from someone I was in a relationship with, I wouldn’t have bothered cultivating the relationship and just ghosted my qualifier.

I don’t think that way anymore. But I can definitely see why someone would come on here and sneer at everything at first.

Thank you for this post. Lots of great insite here! I can identify with so much, I was married to an alcoholic for years. I keep hearing but I love him.
We understand that but how much craziness are you going to put yourself through? Right now at least, seems like you are being offered a roller-coaster. I think if you are right with yourself, this will not be appealing at all. You will be reasonably cautious with anyone and pull away as needed when/if the other person is hurtful.

If I might offer an opinion;

It's possible to love someone and have an affair. I know people in my social circle known for infidelity and married for decades. It happens. It's possible that the alcohol eventually has such a hold that an addict no longer can choose to not drink. At that point, someone who will accept a drunk partner becomes a viable alternative to someone with different expectations.

I suspect my husband was cheating. Don't know if he could physically cheat because at some point the booze does a number on a man's ability to function. He was refilling Viagra - and it wasn't being used with me.

I have come to believe that he was doing the best he could. It wasn't an exemplary performance, but it was his personal best. I stayed until he died. I was ready to leave the very day he told me he was terminally ill, but we were looking at a two year prognosis, at most, so I didn't.

I don't blame the woman/women he was with, they never promised to be faithful to me. I don't blame anyone else for my cowardice about leaving. That's all on me.