Awe, thanks, Miss Pink!

The title of your post caught my eye. My friend B was married about two years when her husband "went temporarily insane (his description)" ran off, and started living with another woman. No alcoholism involved here. My friend was devastated. He started the divorce proceedings and she prayed about what to do. She did not want to get divorced, did not believe in it, and wanted to give breathing room.

She went out and started living. She didn't give him much of a thought, just worked on her and became a stronger, independent woman. In the meantime, she refused to sign the papers, just said "I need more time to think about this huge decision." I think about two years passed, and by the grace of God, they both resolved their differences and have been married for 25 years, and have two great kids.

Will you and your husband's marriage survive this? I don't know. But you can put this off for a while so you can see the direction you are both going. Don't feel like you HAVE to sign those papers immediately. Make sure it's the right thing for both of you.

And by the way, just because you feel now that you have faith in your marriage, doesn't necessarily make you a "codie."

I was with my wife for the same amount of time. Her drinking started when she was young also.
It took me awhile to understand that the whole thing was not about me. As for being punished, no you are not. The thing you will learn down the road is that you have stayed in a relationship with someone incapable of being in one. I held mine together with whole cloth and then looked back to see that it really was not all that.
We seem to love people for what we want them to be. What they truly are is something very different.
I suggest some Alanon meetings for you. They will help you find YOURSELF.

I recieved the papers in the mail;found I had 30 days to respond,or it was "cut-and-dried"....so I found an attorney who filed the papers to "contest" the action...aka,slow it down. It did proceed and I did hire an attorney,who handled all the legal stuff,which was a huge relief. The same day the papers came back to sign, I learned he was having surgery for prostate cancer,and refused to sign them until at least after the surgery (because I did not want our children in the possible position of making any decsions regarding treatment during the surgery,etc). He actually did not sign them until his attorney called him in to do it,about 5 months later. I have never signed them. (Actually,my lawyer learned this recently about how I was doing and learned this and was going to check to see if we were even legally divorced!)

I'll spare you the details, but I took and continue to take the same path as CB's friend and try to concentrate on myself and kids and getting healthier. ExAH is more confused-acting than ever;might be drinking less,fwiw. I'm in a better (and more "equal" place) so our interactions are much nicer and actually more frequent. They are on MY terms,too or I am not involved.

Who knows what the future will bring? Maybe some day he'll want back together and I won't be interested. I try not to think that far ahead.

Guess what I am saying is it can be slowed down a bit.

Good luck. I figured it was a tragedy;especially with an out-of-control man with a large bank account on the loose.....,but on the "up" side,it seemed like at least this way HALF of our life's savings,etc would at least be spared with a divorce and regardless of anything else,the kids and I would have some security.

This is so true, Pick. I let AH file for divorce, which he did. Didn't serve me for 4 months. Thought I'd cave, etc. The most important thing: people who were not involved told me to protect myself financially. I was not ready then to be divorced, but I could see the progression and it scared me. So I listened, had the court freeze our assets. I took it to heart when people said we could always get back together. For me, that won't be the case - I'm not interested - but I didn't know that at the time and wasn't operating that way.

Taking care of myself is not a black and white situation. Nothing I have done for myself has been at the deliberate harm of AH.

WoW.....sounds like you need to think about doing for YOU....and NOT HIM.... doesn't matter how much you love this guy......what matters is that you keep your life going and move on with your own life.....

Hanging on will just drag you down and your finances........believe me I know .................... I thought I loved someone enough to hang around them even when they were drunk..... this situation messed with my family as they were getting threatening phone calls from the guy I thought I loved...........I told him to stop and he just laughed at me with His drunk attitude and said this was just the begining........I broke it off and moved on with my life the best I could........lucky for me we had no kids..........and I was done playing MOM to someone that liked being drunk the whole time...........I thought I loved him ....I trusted this guy and believed his honesty....and yet I could feel that I was being the MOM he really wanted.....His sponsor kept telling me to back off and leave him alone............He was a full blown Alcoholic and need more help that I could give........... But I wasn't around to help him ....more like distract him..... I even got him a job and the training with it..... I eventually left him and moved on with my life...

I needed a better life and to do something for me where I could be at peace with myself and not have to worry about this guy ....

Years have passed since and I am glad I moved on...

Hang in there and listen to the advise you have been given so far....... You may love this guy....But do you love him enough to spend all the money you have to make him well....especially when he doesn't seem to really care..?

He has taken all the money you two saved and ran with it already......it doesn't mean you will ever see it again...................

Little Penguin

Because
 

Hey,

How are you doing? I hope you are well, you are in our thoughts. I know it is hard and I hope you can find the support you need and the strength to make the decisions you need to make for you.

Have a good day.

will pray for you today that you make the best decision you need for YOUR LIFE....

THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND.

Little Penguin

Regarding the issue of detachment, I am afraid it is not something that I could do because I don't believe that it is morally or ethically correct to do so. This is just my personal opinion and those who detach have a right to their opinions.

How could I live with myself if I looked the other way as he was poisoning his liver? How could I live with myself if I looked the other way as he was developing liver disease? How could I live with myself if I looked the other way and he drove drunk? How could I live with myself if I looked the other way and he had a drunk driving accident and put someone in a wheelchair for life, or worse, killed that person? How could I live with myself if I looked the other way and he ended up in prison, or in a coma, or dead himself?

I know that I couldn't. Right now he is not with me. But, I know I did everything possible to save his life (and the lives of others he could have killed while driving drunk) while he was living with me. If I had to go back, I would do it all over again the same way.

The balance in our relationship worked until he deteriorated rapidly and could no longer control his drinking the way he used to. As I mentioned, he progressively got worse, and he no longer had any type of control over his drinking. He became very ill. I was looking at a picture of him that was taken on Thanskgiving and comparing it to a picture from New Year's Eve Dec 31, 2005. He looks like a different person. He aged so much in a short time and he just doesn't look right. It's so very sad.

I didn't look away. I finally found the courage to look at it full on and admit I am powerless over another human being.

Because......I'd love to give you a big HUG right now. It's awesome that you care so much for your AH and others that you want to be sure you do everything to protect him and others. I think over time you will see that the ALCOHOL is styronger than any love, help, protection you can provide. My AW loves our children.....I KNOW that is true and when she is a sober Mom she is possibley the BEST Mom ever. But alcohol has, time and again, had the strength to put her in a car with them while she is drunk. When she got her DUI she was on the way to pick up my son and a friend!

He needs to stop drinking before your help means anything or will do any good. The best way to help him is to TELL him that and detach until he "gets it". You will probably help him more quickly and effectively through this method of detachment. Remember that detachment is not to punish the A it is to set boundries and communicate to the A that we will NOT support, help etc, until they are working on their disease. It is more effective that what you and others think is support. Support without boundries and a level of detachment is just plain old enabling.

If nothing changes....nothing changes!

Keep posting!

DETACHMENT....

WHAT A BIG WORD TO THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE NOW.........

Get on with your own life.......He will not last much longer if the drinking continues....and it doesn't look like he cares..... He wants the divorce and sounds like he is protecting you from what the future will hold for him.................

Think about it...........Once divorced you are no longer RESPONSIBLE......

YOU CAN GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE..................

Sending you loads of Hugs for the Moment.................(((((((((HUGS))))

Little Penguin

I guess it's easy to say "Get on with your own life," if you are not in love with your husband. We got married at 37 and 36. We didn't have children. We did everything together, except when we were working or engaged in our own personal hobbies. We had true love and were soulmates.

Maybe I won't be legally responsible for his actions when we are legally divorced, but I will always be emotionally connected to him.

What do you mean by get on with my life? I would love to know what you mean by that.

Has all this looking really helped anything? Your looking is causing you pain and has he stopped? All the things that could happen if one of them does it will be the result of his actions and the consequences will be his as well...Detachment does not mean you don't care it simply means that you know you can't change him...

What we mean, is to stop treating an adult as if he were a helpless child.

The definition of detaching with love, is to not do for another what he should be capable of doing for himself.

You seem to be implying that the rest of us don't love our alcoholic partners. I married my ex at the ripe old age of 38. I loved him dearly, and I know he loved me too. We had no children. We did everything together. He was a successful business man. We were happy and the future looked bright.

But you can't beat the demon Alcohol. I picked him up off the floor too and drove him to detox and rehab and AA and everything. I too was told by the counselors at rehab that I was a codie and I was causing his drinking by being a codie. And they looked so smug and so condescending when they told me that. I hated them and I hated their thinking and I resented the label. But I am a codie. I just wasn't ready to see it that way at the time, and they went about it all the wrong way.

I too felt I could not live with myself if he drove drunk and hurt himself or someone else. My solution was to call the state patrol when he was driving drunk. He has now had his license suspended, and he lives with his elderly parents, who drive him to work every day. Like he were a little child. His choice, and theirs; not mine. I have no control over their choices. I will not drive a 55 yr old man around as if he were a 5 yr old. It's just not appropriate, and yet he's chosen to live his life that way. He knew the consequences of drinking; I told him right up front what I would do if he drank and drove; and he chose to drink and drive anyway.

You do not have to choose divorce. You do not have to choose separation. When we say 'Detach', what we mean is, stop propping him up and fixing his problems when they're not yours to fix. He chooses to drink. It's not a rational decision. But he's an adult, and no one's holding a gun to his head forcing him to drink. Allow him the dignity of making his own choices and taking the consequences of them.

Of course you love him. But love isn't doing everything for someone else as if they were incapable of managing their own life. He may need this divorce to get better, or at least a period of complete separation. Mine did. I loved my ex enough to let him go so he could get better - he sure wasn't going to get better so long as I was around trying to help him. Not everyone leaves their alcoholic spouse, but sometimes the alcoholic spouse leaves them. It happens. He's not rational right now, and it would take months of sobriety before he's capable of rational decision making.

I didn't really want to get divorced either, but I also don't want it to be raining today. I wanted to stay with him, and to help and support him, but he was going to kill himself with his drinking if I didn't get out of his way. He didn't want my help and support and love had nothing to do with it, mine or his. All he really wanted was to drink, and to have his parents take care of him. I went into marriage with him expecting to be married to him for the rest of our lives but it wasn't entirely up to me, was it? no, he had some say in it too. I was the one who filed in the end, but boy was he relieved when I did so.

For what it's worth, most every divorced woman I know was married to an alcoholic. It's frighteningly common.

Getting on with your life means not letting every moment of your life revolve around him and his drinking. Not obsessing over him. That doesn't mean not caring and not loving. Just not obsessing over him, and not expecting him to do what you need him to do in order for you to be happy. That's too much of a burden for another human being, to be responsible for another's happiness. Take control of your own happiness.

So, don't go to Alanon if you dont' want to. But reading posts from different people here will give you more knowledge of what you're up against, and how others in similar situations have managed. And talking with your friend too is a good idea.

Hey! I got my wish about it not raining today! it just turned to snow!

Been there, done that
 

I too took my marriage vows seriously - after all, it was my second time around. I love my husband very much. You don't want to be labeled a Codie, but you are. There are other pop terms I can think of, too. Enabler, Martyr, Rescuer, Victim. After awhile, it all becomes a drama. Your man will eventually consume you, will feed off of your strength, compassion and the love you have for him, and worse, may well consume all your assets, too. Think about it. You may just end up sucked totally dry and devoid of everything you've worked so hard for. Please take notes of the lawsuits you would probably face if he gets in an auto accident that takes a life or lives. You may well lose your home, your retirement, and any dreams of riding off into the sunset with this madman will come crashing down on your head. If he should survive such an incident, he'll be serving time and you'll be left to clean up his financial messes, which may take the rest of your life.

I'm getting my ducks all lined up in a row. I'll be 65 next month, have a great paying job in the legal field, and am in the process of having our wills drawn up. I will collect full social security in another year, which will definitely give me the power to leave this man and live quite comfortably while working. I have documented all my efforts to report my husband, including calls to the police (who were no help at all), reporting him to the DMV, and calling his shrink. I also have saved the call on my cell phone from a friend of his (also a cop) who called to tell me he was driving my husband home after finding him wandering the streets in a daze. If Mr. Wonderful ever kills anyone under the influence, at least I have documented proof that I made every effort to get the maniac off the streets.

Please do not take this wrong. I'm on your side. "Standing by Your Man" may not be your wisest choice. I just hate the thought of anyone paying the consequences of a drunk who doesn't mind running up the tab that someone who loves them will end up paying. As for me, I'm getting things lined up for the home run.

I always picture it like this: your husband is in a deep hole and can't get himself out but if you jump in there with him, your both stuck with no way to help each other out. Alanon, therapy ect is like gaining tools to help you both.
What you have been doing so far isn't working, it can help to give alanon a try and possible learn about some new tools you can use for yourself which could then possible help him.
If nothing changes nothing changes.

Ok, so you don't look the other way.......you watch him. Is he still poisoning his liver? Yep....Is he still likely to develop liver disease? Probably...

Watching him and obsessing over his behaviour really won't change him or his actions, he will continue to drink.
Meanwhile you're beating yourself up trying to control him, trying to control his drinking and his actions...and he's doing exactly the same thing..drinking.
That's the point...you can't control him or his behaviour. Nothing you do, say, scream etc will make one blind bit of difference..I've tried it all, didn't work for me and didn't work for anyone else here...

Detaching doesn't mean stop loving, I love my ABF very much...but I detached because I had hit my bottom, felt like I was going crazy.
I still love him now but I let him clean up his own messes...they are his to clean up after all, he's not a child and I'm not his mother.

If only he'd behave like I wanted him to, things would be ok then, I'd be happy, we'd be happy.. But it's not up to me how he behaves..the same way it's not up to him how you behave...maybe he'd like to be able to drink in peace without any comeback from you..but he can't, are you gonna change?

Wow, this hit me right between the eyes! I could have said it (maybe I even did) two years ago. I was so caught up in getting him to do the right thing, I forgot all about myself. I had no life of my own. I was completely consumed by him. And I called it true love, soulmates.

Looking back, it was more of a desperate attachment. I wanted my dreams--with him--so bad I lost myself somewhere along the way. I became the poster child for delayed gratification. When he gets sober, we will be happy. When he stops being so selfish, we will be happy. When he finally realizes what he is losing, we will be happy. I spent nearly 20 years waiting for things to happen so I could finally be happy. I wish I had those years back.

I can honestly say I am happy today. Not one of those dreams I had for "us" ever came true, but I found myself again. I was just saying to someone today that if a happy marriage that lasts forever was one of my choices, I would have picked it. It wasn't. I had to pick from the choices I had........

Have you ever read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck?

BTW, I do not attend Alanon, but I have to say that detaching saved me. And I do still love my husband.

L

I very much loved my husband when I "detached" to save myself. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING about what I did was easy. We played together, worked together, were best friends. Then alcohol took over.