" he has also abused me in every category and tells me he does so because I matter more than anyone else in the world to him."

Jilly....reading your post was frightening, especially the above part. You know that you are being abused by this man and I very much hope that you have a support system in place to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.

"I am suggesting that we attend counseling together "

Why put yourself through more with this man when he has shown you through his treatment of you what he really thinks of you? Personally, I think you would be giving him more ammunition to abuse you.

What stops you from leaving NOW?

Make yourself your number on priority! You know you cannot change him.

ARL

I tried staying with my exA but and using my Alanon tools but he was becoming increasingly verbally abusive towards me in front of my teenage son and lying about everything. I figured I'd better go while the going was good (before I was physically abused). Things happened after I left which helped me to see I had definitely made the right decision and as far as I know he's still out there drinking.

Earthworm

I met RAH 23 years ago, while he was actively drinking. I stayed with him for three years cause I had 3 small kids from a previous marriage, no money, no child support, no car, no nothing. He paid all the bills and took care of us, but the trade off was a drunk every day. But I made plans, I went back to business school. After three years he started turning mean. I left him for three weeks, got a very good paying job at a lawfirm, during which time he went to detox and rehab and I moved his stuff out of the apartment we shared. After he got out of rehab, we dated for a while, got back together, got married and he remained sober over 14 years. Several years ago, he picked up again, was able to control it in the beginning, but it progressively got worse and worse, drinking sun up to sun up. He was still a sweetheart, drunk and sober and was never mean ... until ... It was then that I had finally had enough and said to myself I wasn't going to go down this street again! I told him I didn't want him to stop drinking, he had a God given right to drink, but that I was leaving him and my plans were already in place. I did have every intention of leaving him, I had plans in place, my kids were grown and out of the house, and I was not going to spend the rest of my life with this man acting like this. But then, after his threat of suicide and a blood alcohol level of .4 (lethal level), and two days in the hospital, he went to rehab and is now going to AA and working on his recovery. I decided to stay cause I really do love him and I know he loves me, but I never really realized how those years affected me and my feelings toward him. I am working on me now, and taking it one day at a time, just as he is. And while it is said that relapse may be a part of recovery, I honestly think if he did relapse, I would have to leave, I don't want to be on that rollercoaster anymore!!! Hope this helps.
Teree

Dear ARL,

That is the part I am working on. I don't have the support or the means to safely leave.

I am making myself a priority by detaching and focusing on my future while keeping myself as safe as possible. I'm hoping a counselor can help me do that by working with him as well. If he can be reached, then that's good but I'm not putting myself on hold while waiting to see it.

This is a way that I am owning my issues as well as taking responsibility for my life.

Thank you for caring. It helps me stay my path.

Quick hug to you Jillybean ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))) it's hard to leave those you care about even when they abuse. Good for you for taking the steps to take care of yourself. Healing doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.

Thank you thinkmink for understanding. Your message means a great deal!


(((((((HUGS))))))) back atcha!

Jilly

After 23 years of on and off active drinking I am finally without him. He has lost his job,been hospitalized 2 near fatal motorcycle accidents went to prison and I filed a PFA against him. For the first time in a long time I am starting to feel PEACE. Our children do not want him to come home. My 12 year old son seems to be the only one to realize he will never change. The last time he was in rehab (4 times altogether}., I truly believed this time it would be different. All the lies and bs he told his counselers and me were proven to be a lie when he came home from rehab and drank the same night. My son said Mom HE ISN'T GOING TO STOP. His family was never there for him in the past now they have no choice but to take him in because he cannot come home. Well guess what they are angry with me now!!! I have called them to tell them he must send me child support and they think he shouldn't have to. So I went to domestic relations they are handling it now. How can these people have no reguard for their grandchildren? I could go on forever but the fact is there are 2 children who will not be forgotten about. They never call to see how the kids are or if we need anything,How can they now blame me for his mistakes,there is no justifacation for what was done to us over the years.

Today I live with an active alcoholic. He tries, but we all know they cannot do it alone. I am patiently waiting for the courts to put the ball in motion as far as his treatment goes. I understand that "forced" treatment does not always work, but I have no other choice. I have given myself and my family 1 year to work this out and have progress. If at that time things are no better I will have no choice but to move on as I cannot live this way for the rest of my life. I have needs too.

I left when I realized that I was living with a self-centered, emotionally stunted, manipulative person who saw me only as a tool for his own security and comfort. He "loved me" of course, and I "loved him" but when push came to shove those were only words taught to us by movies, TV and books. Love is when you respect and support each other on this journey called life...and with an alcoholic respect and support are almost never forthcoming, and never for more than a few minutes at a time.

I wanted more than a few minutes.

I wanted to be with a man, not an infant.

I didn't want to reach the end of my life, look back and realize that I'd wasted it all staying with someone who I could never trust, and never fully forgive for all of the abusive actions.

The alternative was to leave that relationship and open myself up to finding someone with whom trust, respect, support, and love were possible.

When I realized that I deserved that, and that I had no control over the disease and never would, and that my life would also be so-so ("settling for that" as a friend put it) then I realized that it was time to go.

I was very afraid for several weeks, then numb for several more, and then I began to get very, very happy.

Now I know I will reach the end of my life knowing that I did everything I could to use the gifts god gave me to have a long, happy, joyful, helpful, and fulfilling life, with my energies put to better use than just supporting one man with a problem he won't/can't fix.

GiveLove

I haven't left because where I live is my own personal property....I don't feel I shoulsd have to leave my home...

I put all of his stuff out of the house and into his truck...he was sleeping in it he now has moved into the travel trailer.

I don't speak to him anymore except to get his share of the bills...I wrote and had notarized a lease agreement and if he does not pay I will have him evicted.

I am going to just live my life and if I want to do something I will including date if I meet someone I am interested in....

the more my XAF drank, the meaner he got....yes, he got the infamous "look" and this furrow in his brow, between his eyes and i knew any rational part of him was gone....he got verbally and emotionally abusive on a more frequent basis......the last night i saw him, he jumped up from the table, came around at me, pointing his finger in my face and screaming at the top of his lungs at me (all because i didn't hear what he said...and replied" what did you say".... that was after kicking me out of the house the night before in an alcoholic rage... i haven't seen him since. oh, and did i mention that the reason i couldn't hear him is b/c he was slurring and the music was blaring....

that was my breaking point.