friends, i need a shoulder
 

since last march (when my xh was arrested in my office), and a few phones calls in march and april, my xh has went silent. during one of these last phone calls he told me had bone cancer and didn't have long to live.

he called yesterday. said he weighed 106 pounds, only has half of his hair, is divorced from his wife already and wanted to make amends to me.

he was drunk. the usual drunk b.s. talk followed....his undying love for me blah blah blah. said the doc gave him 3 months to live.

the last sound i heard was him throwing up and i hung up the phone.

so i called the city where he lives and asked directory service for a listing.....lo and behold, they had one for his last name. but with a womans first name.

i called the number, and spoke for two hours with his wife. all he told me is a lie about his illness, about their divorce, etc.

she is living the exact life that i was living. she is stunned to find herself in this mess, and is broken hearted because the abuse started two days after they were married.

everything special and sacred that i thought we had shared, is exactly what he is sharing with her now. all the special things that i thought made us have that miracle of a connection. he tells her all the same b.s. and all the terror and horror is the same, also.

she has already filed for divorce two times since getting married last jan......she thinks it is over.....i didn't have the heart to tell her that the fun is just beginning.

so, i've often spoke of that "connection"......well, it was contrived, calculated, and totally meaningless. all that i thought was special, was just a tricksters cruel, cold, survival trick.

i loved him. and i meant absolutely nothing to him. just another way to live another day.

i used to comfort myself somewhat with telling myself that we did love each other, but he didn't. not really. not even a little.

i was conned by a psychopath that happens to be an alcoholic. he gives alcoholism a bad name.

this really stings.

he had even told his wife yesterday morning that he was going back to me.

i'm having feelings of hatred towards him and they ate at me all night long.

but i''m thinking the feelings are really about myself.

i don't have space in my heart or life for this hate, but it's there again.

((((((((((((((((((((((Jeri))))))))))))))))))))))

Be grateful you are not with him anymore.

He is so sick.

Earthworm

I am sorry, sometimes I hate facing the truth, it just hurts too much.

All you can do is forgive yourself for making a bad decision, and keep moving forward.

Some people are not capable of loving themselves or another. This appears to be the case with him. People are just another commodity, a pawn.

Do something nice for yourself today, and thank god that you finallly had the sense to let him go, forever.

Hugs,
Dolly

My son and I were a commodity to my ex too Embraced. He moved on very quickly and started preying on another single mother with kids.

Glad I'm not there anymore.

Earthworm

((((Jeri))))

I wish I didn't understand. But I do all too well.

Whilst it might not feel like it right now, but please believe me when I say that finding out the truth is the key to your healing. All of a sudden, so many of the unanswered questions are resolved.

You're not alone, hon.

(((((Embraced)))))

I'm so sorry! Praying for you!

((Jeri)) It does sound like a good place to try to start healing again from. Earthworm is right....he is sick. It's terribly sad.

Not to go OT, but the thing that also scares me was the part about his "true self" not coming out until after the marriage. My X was kind of the same way. One month before our wedding, he called me a "stupid f'n c***." It was isolated. After the wedding, things definitely shifted gears. It just terrifies me that I could be so oblivious again.

((((jeri)))) the title of an earlier post keeps going thru my mind...."do they always cause chaos"

I am sorry about all this;he is one sick man,but you already knew that.

I like what Toby Rice Drews says....what the two of you had was most likely more real because the progression of the illness has made him an even sicker person even less able to love himself and others.

You are a wonderful and giving woman and if he could not love you the way you deserve, it is another one of his losses.

More has been revealed and I would guess more will be. Sounds as if he knows he is sick and the stop-gap he made by finding someone else to take care of him, is about to run it's course and he is running scared. Saying to her and you anything and everything he can that he thinks will help him in his desperate situation. I am glad you talked to this woman and found out what is really going on, because seems to me that the chances are good that he is going to be "popping-up" in your life;despite your best efforts. Now you know that and know more what is behind it, and can be better prepared.
Was the bone cancer a lie? (hope so) I'll bet you know more of the facts about that,too and that is a good thing.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way........in blows like this,after the initial shock, I have found it is the same dance, only to a slightly different song. My perception and feelings are quick to jump in against my own best interest and if I settle down some, I often see that. Hope that is the case with you here. He is very sick; please don't take it on to yourself for having loved him; although I do know the temptation.....I was feeling that way yesterday to the point of many tears myself. It is another lie of addiction,IMHO.

Keep posting and I wish I could send you a big hug!

Are you grandchildren still around you? I hope so!

You are better off........Say it outloud, in front of a mirror if need be.....but repeat it often and smile and get on with Your Life!!!!!!!

((((((embraced))))))

It can be the start of real no contact, which is very healing for ME.

If he hasn't been diagnosed with bone cancer, he may believe he has it, as did AH, because the joints start aching caused by bone deterioration brought on by alcoholism.

I don't worry about whether what we had was "real." As mentioned, the disease progresses and certainly AH would say things to me now that would come from the deep pain he is in. Loving someone does not mean being their whipping boy.

Yes, bone cancer is a metaphor for what is going on with his soul.

Well Jer, reality is what it is. Take your time adjusting to it, understanding what this means for you, and then figuring out how to really and truly go on with the rest of your life. It's time to eject him completely and find your true, comfortable, right place in the world.

Embraced

Just saying sorry for your pain. I know it hurts.

(((((Jeri)))))

I know reality SUCKS when it comes up and hits you in the head like that. However, the gratitude you will feel upon getting through this will be tremendous.

Speaking of Gratitude, maybe now would be a good time to make a new Gratitude List, you will see how lucky you are to have him out of your life.

As to his calling you, he just needed some CHAOS in his life (another manufactured excuse to continue his slow suicide).

Vent away my dear. Yes I feel sympathy for his current wife, and I hope she finds Alanon, however, she is not my problem, nor is she your problem.

Please do not be hard on yourself, we alikies, while practicing our afflictions are THE CON ARTISTS IN THE WORLD. We make great used care sales people and can sell refrigerators and freezers to an eskimo in the blink of an eye.

PM me if you need to vent and/or talk.

We care, you know that Jeri, this will pass........

Love and lots of hugs,

Embraced I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I just went through this earlier this week, except for my ex-abf is in recovery (1 year this weekend). At the same time though he told me he pretty much just used me to make himself feel OK...so I too was just a pawn. He claims though that he came to very deeply love the other woman even when she started out as someone he was again only using to make himself feel better. I'm hoping that this too will serve as the final piece to allow me to finally heal and move on. Hugs to you.

jeri, i'm so sorry you're going through this... i was in tears reading your post.

this is just my opinion, but i have a hard time believing that he never really loved you. the love he gave you might not have been what you or i or anyone else here would have given to their loved one, but maybe he loved you in the best way he knew how... or the only way. you were a major force in his life, and i truly hope that one day he realizes the love you gave to him, and at the very least, he'll respect it.

What cruel intentions they seem to have for us.

Love has nothing to do with it, and it is never enough.

It seems, as I have learned also, that it does not matter who they are with.
It will always be chaos.

My friend you have just been given a great gift and you do not even know it.

You were able to look back at what your life was and could still be with him.

Use this to your advantage, you have made the right choice.

Ahhhh Jeri...

Dont do this to yourself hon. The beautiful part is that you loved, your love was real and your side of the street is clean, focus on that and not on his deception.... It is the progression of his disease sweetie.

I have to agree... no matter what place he is at now, I have a hard time believing that there was not something important there at that time. Why dont you take a day or two and finish morning this man .... and then wipe your eyes and be thankful you are spared today of having him in your life.

Sweetie, don't let him get ya down,you are sucha strong woman and yau already know all to well this is why you are not with him.
As hard as it is to lnow they "never loved" us we have to let that go.
My heart goies out to you as I have felt thi spain myself.
Go look in the Mirror and see what beauty is in front of. You and I and many others here are LUCKY to be rid of them

(((((embraced)))))
So sorry for your pain . This too shall pass
Praying for you

If the depth of the relationship were based on the degree with which he loved, perhaps it would all be meaningless, it isn't. It was the degree with which you loved him. That was very real. I too can look back at past love now realizing that what I would die for meant little of nothing to him. Looking back now, it would be easy to feel like a fool. You see, that's when I realized his feelings in it are really secondary.
If and when I talk about him or the relationship, he talks about his feelings and I stopped him to tell him, NO!, I was talking about how I loved. Not how it was received. One of the greatest loves I have ever felt just happens to be one that was not returned.
It may have all been verbage, a carefully honed script that worked well for him. For me, at that time, it was real, the words were only for me.
I know what it feels like to love. So much of life is spent looking to be loved. I think the real growth comes from loving.
For that, you are a rich woman.
When he meets his maker, his heart will break to feel how much he was loved, and he will.

(((((Jeri))))) I SOOOO needed to read this post this morning. Isn't it funny how much we find out by speaking to both the exes and new women in their lives? (maybe it should be a requirement before dating someone! You have to have references for a JOB why not for a parnter?!) It really shows us the truth. While its a hard truth to swallow it certainly helps (me anyway) to see the manipulation in all its glory! It's easier to see it when you aren't in the middle of it. How many times do we hear stories on here and we can CLEARLY see what the solution is? But in our OWN lives its never that clear? Until you hear it come from someone ELSE that your alcoholic is manipulating or had manipulated before you? When I spoke to A's ex wife last week and she told me the "story of their lives" it was like she was reading MINE with him. It was the SAME STORY. Only difference was the woman involved and that my story never got to the point hers did. I was lucky. Her story quite possibly SAVED me. Just as MY story saved the woman that came after me during one of our many many break ups. When he gets out of jail he will move on to the next one and the cycle will continue.

I know that I truly loved (and still love) him but knowing that I was just a pawn makes it a little easier to take it less personally and start the healing process. You are further along in your healing than I am and I've always looked up to you for advice and encouragement. I thank God for your exh because without him WE wouldn't have YOU here helping us through our messes and giving us hope and strength. You are an inspiration to us all. WE love you--and its a REAL love, not a manipulation! :)

I am so sorry Jeri, have a big :Val004:

Yes it hurts something awful. But you know what? You're only looking at _half_ the truth. You're only looking at what _he_ did.

You are forgetting the really important part. _Your_ love was pure. _You_ kept your marriage vows sacred. _You_ did not fail in your love. Ok, so maybe you didn't do so good in the part about how long you put up with his BS, but when it comes to being righteous, and honorable and devoted, you did it perfect.

Focus on _you_, Jeri, focus on the good that is in you. There is nothing shameful in being a good and trusting person. The shame is on him for taking advantage of you.

I'm praying for you Jeri, every day.

Mike :Val004:

Alcoholism.....and its effects, have come back to do a number on your head. Dont let it. You know he is spinning in his sickness and it cant do its thing on him without doing its thing on you.

This will pass....Im experencing a bit o' hate right now meself.....just do what we have been taught to do..pray...for us, for them....gratitude lists like crazy, and spread some love where its needed most...on those who are living with active disease far worse than we....you are not alone, and I promise....your serenity will return.....hugs XXOO

(((Embraced)))

Jeri, you are a good, decent woman with a wonderful sense of humor. As others have already said, you loved him. You gave of yourself. Unfortunately, he was unable to reciprocate. It is very possible that when you first met him, he did love you to the best of his own abilities. The disease steals their sanity and their ability to love.

It has to be a terrible blow to realize that he is lying to this extent. He may actually believe his own lies. Alcohol takes its toll on the user's ability to process what is actually happening because it wrecks havoc with the frontal lobe of the brain.

I'll hold you close in my prayers. ((((Jeri))))

(((Jeri)))

I'm sorry you hurt - what can I say better than what has already been said? Your love makes it real.

Now you see things from outside the window pane and this time you won't go into the store and buy the product...don't be so quick to think you got nothing from this.

sending many hugs to you...

Oh, Jeri, I am so sorry for the pain you are having. We have this trust that some of the love we gave and felt was reciprocated. I don't think we can say they didn't.....it just wasn't the same. Many don't have the capacity to love as we love them. Not just A's. But, from the sounds of most of us, alot of our A's cant reciprocate. Hugs to you.... Plus, he just has one way to have a relationship, not that he didn't care about you.....
I care about your feelings......Linda

Hi Jeri,
Sending you hugs and reminding you to be kind to yourself now!!
You are very strong and have comforted me at many times! Please don't discount your experiences and how special you are!!

Any chance of taking another mini-vacation for yourself?

He's lying to you about the bone cancer. My aunt was just diagnosed with it on Monday. The pain involved is excruciating. He wouldn't be able to function on his own due to the intense pain. If he were currently undergoing treatment for bone cancer, he would be living off of morphine in an attempt to manage the pain. The dosage is so high that he would either be sleeping or nearly incoherent most of the time. He would be undergoing radiation and chemotherapy. He wouldn't be coherent enough to manipulate you any further. But he is. Understand?

If he calls again, don't listen to his lies. Hang up the phone. True love is given freely, without any expectation of something in return. You loved him truly and completely. He used you. Does that make him evil? No, it makes him sick. Addiction leaves no room for love.