It will never cease to amaze me the extent they will go to...

i don't know how to do those quotey thingys....so i just want you all to know that i read every one of your posts and want to thank you so much for the support.

yes, it was all a big lie about the bone cancer and weighing 106 pounds, being partially bald, and being divorced. his wife told me that when she saw him two days ago, he had a full head of hair, weighed 225, and was eating like a horse. she said it was all a big fat lie.

they got married one month after meeting, and he was married to her all the time he was calling me, begging me to let him come home.

he pushed for her to "prove" he was part of her now in their marriage, and she put him on her bank accounts, and credit cards. he cleaned out all the bank accounts and maxed out all the credit cards on a drinking binge soon after they were married.

her 17 year old son gets social security from his deceased father and she was putting that in a special account for his college. my xh stole all of that, too. and there isn't a damn thing she can do about it, because she put him on her accounts.

my xh called again yesterday......as soon as i heard his voice, i hung up.

his wife called, crying, asking what should she do. i suggested al-anon.

i cut her call very short, also. i don't really want to be her confidant about my ex and hear all the gory love details, ya know? i did tell her that me and his first wife are planning on attending his sentencing hearing on aug. 28.....which i know he won't show up for.

as for me, i spent yesterday on the couch, just letting myself feel the misery and watching crime shows on tv.....cold case files, forensic files, city confidential.....etc.
and then i topped those off by watching disneys robin hood animated movie. what a mix, eh?

i had never thought of the angle of my side of the love felt and given. i know what i felt was real.

one thing that really bothers me is that i could be identified, targeted, and zoned in on by an alcoholic con man. but then i must realize, they are very, very good at what they do. so then i circle back around to what i loved and how i felt that love was built on a facade of total deceit.

my thanks button doesn't work, folks, but i really do thank you all for responding to my needs. i love you all!

and thanks to those that pm'ed.....i'll answer them later.

i cut her call very short

Very wise Embraced. This isn't your problem anymore and she's a grown woman who is responsible for herself, just as you are.

And we march forward into a brand new day ...

You have lived your reality with him and she is now living hers....sad but true....

When you mentioned that he cleaned out her bank accounts?....OMG Jeri...my ex who married his OW shortly after we divorced went onto her mortgage as a cash out refi within 3 months after the marriage.....do I feel bad for her? Nope...she wanted his paycheck? The price was higher than she will ever know..

Stay strong girl.....try not to have too much contact with his current wife...it will do you no good.

((((((((((((((Jeri))))))))))))))))))

Janit

damn this. two days ago i was happy and had been happy for a long time. then this episode. why has this left me all hurt and shakey???? i have this lump in my throat and tears constantly starting to well in my eyes.

i thought i was so over him....and i am. but why am i reacting like this. the only difference between two days ago and today, is contact from him. why do i still give him the power to push my emotions?

i think it may be that it forces me to look at myself, all over again, about this relationship and all the dynamics involved. i'm so angry that i can still feel love for this creature. what in god's name is wrong with me that i can't cut him out of my heart?

i know intellectually what it is with him. it's unhealthy, it's sick, it's lies, it's deceit....if only i hadn't had those good moments with him and experienced so many good times. unfortunately, he overdrew on my emotional bank account. he took out way more than he put in.

Pray for this sick person,please.He knows not what he is doing.

Hi there Jeri, have a :Val004:

Cuz you're a codie, just like the rest of us. Alkies lie and steal and drink, ducks quack, and we give our hearts to people that don't deserve it.

so? Maybe that is a good hint that _complete_ no contact is a good idea for you ;) Alkies are told to abstain _completely_ from any kind of booze. Complete abstinence. Us codies need to maintain complete abstinence from our "drug of choice" too.

Yeah that's always a tough one. There's this little thing called a "Fourth step" that answers that question for me every time.

Well yeah, but who handed him the "emotional check book" in the first place?

Jeri, when is the last time you went to an al-anon meet? Do you have a sponsor? Do you sponsor other women? Are you working thru the steps of al-anon? What are you doing to _heal_ yourself from your "disease of co-dependency"? Me? I see my sponsor every Monday, I do two in-person meets every week, I call my buds in the program every week and go out to lunch with em about twice a week, and I sponsor a guy that I meet with almost every week.

That's how I keep my emotional check book closed to the public.

Mike :Val004:
p.s. sorry, couldn't find a smily that passes the tissues

Thanks,Mike for the good tips. I'm not doing this,but I can see where it would be beneficial. I printed this out for myself as a goal of "ACTIONS".

Here is another :Val004: for you, Jeri; one for you,too, Mike :Val004: and another for the rest of you wonderful people here! :Val004:

Thanks to you all!

hi ya mikey......i usually go to a meet every week. i haven't been able to attend many this past month because i've been takiing care of grandchildren (father was in a wreck and is in hosp. in indy)

i can tell i haven't been to any meets. it shows. i have worked the first three steps in three years of al-anon.....it took me forever to do steps one and two. i do not sponsor other women....i just don't feel worthy yet.

i do have a sponsor.

i'm having a slip. no contact is the only way to go.....i know that. but when i hear his voice, my heart speeds up and nearly bounds out of my throat. i don't want to feel this way. i did hang up on him yesterday soon as i heard his voice.

step four looks like a mountain to me. my sponsor is working with me on that.

thanks for the support mike.

I think the one thing I both love and hate about my relationship with my ex a was the love I felt for him was the strongest emotion I had felt in a long time (if ever). I loved him unconditionally. I loved him "despite". I just plain loved him. He used that love to take advantage of me. The pain I felt when he betrayed me was like no other. My ex husband (not an a) cheated on me before our divorce. Didn't hurt NEARLY as bad as this did. Throughout the 12 years we were together I didn't love my exh like I loved my A. The feelings I had for my A were feelings I had NEVER felt before with such intensity. Maybe it was just the codie coming out. I'm not sure. But I do know that my heart still aches for my A. Its a strong powerful emotion. I don't think it will go away anytime soon (if ever) and any contact with him would send me back into his arms to be screwed over again and again until I put an end to it. You've come far Jeri. Its not wrong to still love the jerk. You feel what you feel. Can't change that. But you don't have to act on it anymore. Don't beat yourself up for being the wonderful person you are and being able to love to that capacity. I think Mike hit it on the head when he said we need to abstain COMPLETELY from our drug of choice just like the addict. The slightest "little fix" just messes us up!

amen! the slightest little fix and i'm all messed up again. he is my drug of choice, which shows how much work i still need to do for myself.

Not a problem :) Here's what you do. You take that list of phone numbers they gave you at your first meet, and you go down the list calling every single person on that list until you find somebody at home. Then you ask them how _they_ are doing in their life. When you are done with that person you keep going down the list until you are done. That will give you a _huge_ shot of recovery and will keep you out of pain for a couple days.

When you get to the bottom of the list you start again at the top, and you keep doing that until you feel better.

There are no mountains in recovery. If you try to climb it all by yourself in just one leap, kinda like superwoman, then it _is_ a mountain. But that's not the way we do it in recovery. We do it together, as a team, and we do it one baby step at a time. That way it's not a mountain, it's just _one_ baby step.

Here's something else that works for me

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ner-child.html

When you don't feel worthy of doing something, don't do it for _you_. Do it for that little girl that needs somebody to protect her and shelter her. Just like you would do anything to protect your grandkids, do your recovery for somebody who _is_ worthy, that little girl inside who has suffered so much for so long.

Mike :)

(((jeri)))

I hope that you can find some peace through al-anon, although I would like to make the point that this situation is not about drinking, although that obviously was a factor.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms that I meant nothing more than a meal ticket and a veil of respectability to R. That I was but another object for him to use until I was worn out and then it was time to move onto the next one, until the pattern repeated itself all over again.

This type of guy preys on good people, Jeri. Yes, I was vulnerable, yes I was naive, however fundamentally, I believe I was targeted because I was who he wasn't and he could leach of those qualities until he couldn't maintain the mask any longer.

I have worked hard to recognise what led me into that relationship and make some deep changes. I'd like to believe, though, that there aren't as many people like that out there as it may seem from reading these boards and I was somewhat unlucky in my timing. Learning to see red flags and act on them is what will keep me safe in the future, as well as resolving those key issues of why I accepted the unacceptable and why I leapt before I could leap. Not to mention getting a weird kick out of the high drama, whether negatively like the contact you are having now, or positively in the impossible-to-sustain first few months.

Thinking of you, hon.

Jeri, I sure wish you could get the door closed on him.....I know it is the only way I have survived. I can NOT let mine in....
I understand your temptation tho. Take some time and 'sort it out'.....you know what makes your life peaceful and serene......:)
Thinkin' bout ya, girlfriend!