amen! the slightest little fix and i'm all messed up again. he is my drug of choice, which shows how much work i still need to do for myself.

Not a problem :) Here's what you do. You take that list of phone numbers they gave you at your first meet, and you go down the list calling every single person on that list until you find somebody at home. Then you ask them how _they_ are doing in their life. When you are done with that person you keep going down the list until you are done. That will give you a _huge_ shot of recovery and will keep you out of pain for a couple days.

When you get to the bottom of the list you start again at the top, and you keep doing that until you feel better.

There are no mountains in recovery. If you try to climb it all by yourself in just one leap, kinda like superwoman, then it _is_ a mountain. But that's not the way we do it in recovery. We do it together, as a team, and we do it one baby step at a time. That way it's not a mountain, it's just _one_ baby step.

Here's something else that works for me

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ner-child.html

When you don't feel worthy of doing something, don't do it for _you_. Do it for that little girl that needs somebody to protect her and shelter her. Just like you would do anything to protect your grandkids, do your recovery for somebody who _is_ worthy, that little girl inside who has suffered so much for so long.

Mike :)

(((jeri)))

I hope that you can find some peace through al-anon, although I would like to make the point that this situation is not about drinking, although that obviously was a factor.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms that I meant nothing more than a meal ticket and a veil of respectability to R. That I was but another object for him to use until I was worn out and then it was time to move onto the next one, until the pattern repeated itself all over again.

This type of guy preys on good people, Jeri. Yes, I was vulnerable, yes I was naive, however fundamentally, I believe I was targeted because I was who he wasn't and he could leach of those qualities until he couldn't maintain the mask any longer.

I have worked hard to recognise what led me into that relationship and make some deep changes. I'd like to believe, though, that there aren't as many people like that out there as it may seem from reading these boards and I was somewhat unlucky in my timing. Learning to see red flags and act on them is what will keep me safe in the future, as well as resolving those key issues of why I accepted the unacceptable and why I leapt before I could leap. Not to mention getting a weird kick out of the high drama, whether negatively like the contact you are having now, or positively in the impossible-to-sustain first few months.

Thinking of you, hon.

Jeri, I sure wish you could get the door closed on him.....I know it is the only way I have survived. I can NOT let mine in....
I understand your temptation tho. Take some time and 'sort it out'.....you know what makes your life peaceful and serene......:)
Thinkin' bout ya, girlfriend!