Healing the "inner child"
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Healing the "inner child"
Here's a little story I heard somewhere at a meeting. It's the way I heal my "inner child" and make a new life for me free of all the emotional baggage that was forced on my during my childhood.
Imagine a dark and stormy night. You are cuddled in your room reading your favorite book, and warm fire in the fireplace. The sound of rain on the roof and distant thunder a soft background to a gentle evening.
There is a knock on the door, and when you open it you find a small child on your doorstep. Shivering wet, with the big, haunting eyes of the deeply frightened. You take in the child and see a note pinned on the child's ragged clothing.
It's a note from your HP. This is your HP's special child, and you are now entrusted to care for and raise this child. But you must know that this child has been thru a terrible ordeal and is deeply frightened and traumatized. You see, this child has been thru _your_ childhood.
Your task is to take this child _everywhere_ you go. To work, to buy groceries, to the doctor. You must make all of these activities safe and enjoyable for this child. When people say mean things, you must remove the child to somewhere safe. When you feel that you are unworthy or somehow less than you must remember that it is the child who will suffer from your own words. You must change your words and thoughts to positive ones so that the child does not receive from _you_ the same abuse the child received from your parents.
Every day you must do this, without fail. This child has nowhere else to go. If _you_ don't raise the child with love and compassion, nobody else will.
I don't know the ending to the story. I'm still busy raising _my_ inner child. We're doing real good as a team. We decided we're not taking down the christmas tree today. It's nice having it there and the lights are cool. So just for today it's staying up.
Mike
Imagine a dark and stormy night. You are cuddled in your room reading your favorite book, and warm fire in the fireplace. The sound of rain on the roof and distant thunder a soft background to a gentle evening.
There is a knock on the door, and when you open it you find a small child on your doorstep. Shivering wet, with the big, haunting eyes of the deeply frightened. You take in the child and see a note pinned on the child's ragged clothing.
It's a note from your HP. This is your HP's special child, and you are now entrusted to care for and raise this child. But you must know that this child has been thru a terrible ordeal and is deeply frightened and traumatized. You see, this child has been thru _your_ childhood.
Your task is to take this child _everywhere_ you go. To work, to buy groceries, to the doctor. You must make all of these activities safe and enjoyable for this child. When people say mean things, you must remove the child to somewhere safe. When you feel that you are unworthy or somehow less than you must remember that it is the child who will suffer from your own words. You must change your words and thoughts to positive ones so that the child does not receive from _you_ the same abuse the child received from your parents.
Every day you must do this, without fail. This child has nowhere else to go. If _you_ don't raise the child with love and compassion, nobody else will.
I don't know the ending to the story. I'm still busy raising _my_ inner child. We're doing real good as a team. We decided we're not taking down the christmas tree today. It's nice having it there and the lights are cool. So just for today it's staying up.
Mike
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That's incredible, Mike. Very powerful. I see it as a way I can step back from my "inner tyrant" (you know, that voice that constantly criticizes and lashes out at me) and actually be more compassionate and loving to the wounded parts in me.
I'm going to hang on to this.
I'm going to hang on to this.
I can't save you
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Location: Cookville, TN
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"Your task is to take this child _everywhere_ you go. To work, to buy groceries, to the doctor. You must make all of these activities safe and enjoyable for this child. When people say mean things, you must remove the child to somewhere safe. When you feel that you are unworthy or somehow less than you must remember that it is the child who will suffer from your own words. You must change your words and thoughts to positive ones so that the child does not receive from _you_ the same abuse the child received from your parents."
But if I am afraid to do little things, like grocery shopping && things like that, then the child will be scared too. So how do i make it feel safe for me?
But if I am afraid to do little things, like grocery shopping && things like that, then the child will be scared too. So how do i make it feel safe for me?
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But if I am afraid to do little things, like grocery shopping && things like that, then the child will be scared too. So how do i make it feel safe for me?
One of the ways you can make it safe for you is to allow yourself to feel what you feel, acknowledge that what you're feeling is there, but do the act anyway. Then sit with the feelings and tell yourself "I am feeling xyz. It is not rational, but it is what I am feeling." You can tell your inner child that "It is okay to feel these things." Explain your feelings to your inner child. Explain that you are afraid, but you can't explain why - just as you would explain it to a child.
If you continue to do the actions which you have difficulty with, and you continue to acknowledge and accept your feelings (without reproaching yourself for feeling it), eventually you will find that they become easier and less stressful.
For me, it was learning to say 'no'. I simply couldn't do it. It's taken me 6 years of counselling and I'm almost capable of saying 'no' nearly every time without feeling guilty.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy might be able to help you with these issues if you can find a good therapist.
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Mike, Thank you so much for posting this. It strike mes as the single most important thing I’ve ever read. Here’s why:
I had a dream once. It was very similar to what you describe, it was literally a dark, stormy night and I was snug in my den reading by the fire when there was a knock at the door. When I opened it there stood my parents, with flashing emergency vehicle lights in the darkness behind them. In my mother’s arms was a young girl. The child had long unkempt blonde hair, she was waif thin, dressed in rags, bleeding where no child this age should bleed and unconscious with a fever. My mother announced simply, “We can’t take care of her anymore and laid the child unceremoniously on the couch.” My parents left and the dream ended.
Even though so much time has elapsed I know this is an accurate memory of the dream because I keep a dream journal. I still have it, soot stained on this page where it was open on the counter a day or two later when my house burned. At the time, I thought it was a prophetic dream, foretelling my house fire (I.e. the flashing emergency lights) and the same week my mother’s first hospitalization with dt’s (I.e. I’ve got my own problems now, and can‘t take care of you.)
In light of your post, I see this completely differently today. What if this had really happened? What if someone brought you a child in this condition, what would you do?
Well, you’d get her to a Dr., her physical condition, near starvation and physical abuse would require medical attention. Me? I avoid Dr.’s as if they are the enemy. You’d get her some decent clothes, so she’d be warm and comfortable. Me? I dress worse that many of the clients at the shelter where I volunteer. I will not spend money on my own appearance. You’d get her hair trimmed and help her keep it brushed. Me? I put off haircuts weeks, even months longer than anyone I know. You’d make sure she ate healthy food and took vitamins? Me? I don’t even want to talk about this one. And finally, you’d never leave this little girl alone again with the people who had done this (or allowed this to happen) to her in the first place. And depending on the circumstances you might even confront the people who had done this or involved the authorities.
And note, this was an emergency. This child needed emergency care. Yikes.
Ps. I hope this doesn’t represent hijacking a thread, but your post obviously struck a nerve and I wanted to describe with images what it means to me. Thank you again.
I had a dream once. It was very similar to what you describe, it was literally a dark, stormy night and I was snug in my den reading by the fire when there was a knock at the door. When I opened it there stood my parents, with flashing emergency vehicle lights in the darkness behind them. In my mother’s arms was a young girl. The child had long unkempt blonde hair, she was waif thin, dressed in rags, bleeding where no child this age should bleed and unconscious with a fever. My mother announced simply, “We can’t take care of her anymore and laid the child unceremoniously on the couch.” My parents left and the dream ended.
Even though so much time has elapsed I know this is an accurate memory of the dream because I keep a dream journal. I still have it, soot stained on this page where it was open on the counter a day or two later when my house burned. At the time, I thought it was a prophetic dream, foretelling my house fire (I.e. the flashing emergency lights) and the same week my mother’s first hospitalization with dt’s (I.e. I’ve got my own problems now, and can‘t take care of you.)
In light of your post, I see this completely differently today. What if this had really happened? What if someone brought you a child in this condition, what would you do?
Well, you’d get her to a Dr., her physical condition, near starvation and physical abuse would require medical attention. Me? I avoid Dr.’s as if they are the enemy. You’d get her some decent clothes, so she’d be warm and comfortable. Me? I dress worse that many of the clients at the shelter where I volunteer. I will not spend money on my own appearance. You’d get her hair trimmed and help her keep it brushed. Me? I put off haircuts weeks, even months longer than anyone I know. You’d make sure she ate healthy food and took vitamins? Me? I don’t even want to talk about this one. And finally, you’d never leave this little girl alone again with the people who had done this (or allowed this to happen) to her in the first place. And depending on the circumstances you might even confront the people who had done this or involved the authorities.
And note, this was an emergency. This child needed emergency care. Yikes.
Ps. I hope this doesn’t represent hijacking a thread, but your post obviously struck a nerve and I wanted to describe with images what it means to me. Thank you again.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
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I've been reading these boards for about two weeks now and all of the information i've gleaned here has been so valuable in assessing my own situation. As for the subject at hand in this thread....the inner child....it helps a lot to be able to visualize that child. That's not something i would have ever thought to do. The advice of shielding that child from the evil, critical voice within is genius! I practiced it last night when I was feeling a little down and overwhelmed. Being a mother, I can totally relate to protecting a child from abuse or harm. Being co-dependent i'm actually very good at it. Only this time its truly for the inner child's benefit and not my own screwy, manipulative agenda.
Whew!
Whew!
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i did this sort of thing for some time. there was a point where we had to sort of let go and amalgamate at the same time. i let im fly to heaven and i found i had many inner children, all stifled and repressed aspects of myself. ive let my inner child go many times (diff to abandoning) and im at a point now where though i honour respect and cherish the little guy i have to let him grow and let him go so that my ADULT self can grow and flourish and i focus on today's experience. it had been painful to accept my childhood could not really be changed and that i could never have it again but that i could treat my self with love and courtesy and create some things for myself/inner child taht made me feel CHERISHED. now we are one and this led ultimatley to me finding myself feeling connected to god again, not as an out there entity but a life force that i am a part of and that flows from within me, giving me greater strength, personal power, choice, responsibility taking and freedom from resentment because i am sailing the ship in a sea of surrender.
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Originally Posted by Easeful 
... I hope this doesn’t represent hijacking a thread, ...
As far as not taking care of myself, the way you describe yourself, is _exactly_ the way I treated myself when I first got into recovery. I did not care for my health, my nutrition, my hygiene, my clothing. A few good therapists and a lot of 12 step programs have allowed me to get a life that is good for me.
Today I dress nice, but I'm cheap so I shop at the Salvation Army. Today I see my docs regularly and follow their directions, I'm not totally healed in this area but almost. I eat healthy and excercise as much as my health allows. Today I take care of _me_ the way my parents _should have_, and I no longer treat myself the way they did.
I think the dream you had is a wonderful example of how we do know what is right for us, way down inside. We just never learned how to trust ourselves.
Thanx for sharing that.
Mike
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Thanks so much, Mike!
I once had a sponsor who asked me to do an exercise involving writing 3 letters in a notebook per night for 14 nights, one to a significant person in my life (I chose Mom, an active addict at the time but clean today), my Higher Power and my Inner Child. I had never done any inner child work or re-parenting exercises, so I was a bit uncomfortable at first.
I have a photo of myself from when I was about 3, a happy, smiling little boy who appeared unaffected by the chaos of the world (my Dad left to chase his addictions shortly thereafter...). I was never able to relate to that happy kid, as I remember my childhood being chaotic, confusing and generally miserable. I chose this photo to represent my Inner Child, the little boy in me who ran away and hid after years of exposure to other people's alcoholism and insanity, the boy who was afraid to come out and play, the boy who was afraid to participate in his own life...
As the nights passed and I wrote letters to this little guy, his picture propped in front of my notebook, I began to see that there actually was a time when I was happy, even if it was beyond the reach of my memory. The photographic proof was right in front of me, and it was undeniable. That smile was genuine!
What came next was my realization that this child was me and still lived inside me, nearly forgotten after all these years. In my letters, I assured him that the dangers, while real, had now passed and that he was safe to come out and have a look around. I made a commitment to take care of him, to always be there for him, to keep him safe and to love him unconditionally.
By the time I was finished with the exercise, I had reconnected with a long-forgotten part of myself, the part of me that enjoyed life and was unafraid to experience life. To me, this was a significant phase in my spiritual awakening...
I once had a sponsor who asked me to do an exercise involving writing 3 letters in a notebook per night for 14 nights, one to a significant person in my life (I chose Mom, an active addict at the time but clean today), my Higher Power and my Inner Child. I had never done any inner child work or re-parenting exercises, so I was a bit uncomfortable at first.
I have a photo of myself from when I was about 3, a happy, smiling little boy who appeared unaffected by the chaos of the world (my Dad left to chase his addictions shortly thereafter...). I was never able to relate to that happy kid, as I remember my childhood being chaotic, confusing and generally miserable. I chose this photo to represent my Inner Child, the little boy in me who ran away and hid after years of exposure to other people's alcoholism and insanity, the boy who was afraid to come out and play, the boy who was afraid to participate in his own life...
As the nights passed and I wrote letters to this little guy, his picture propped in front of my notebook, I began to see that there actually was a time when I was happy, even if it was beyond the reach of my memory. The photographic proof was right in front of me, and it was undeniable. That smile was genuine!
What came next was my realization that this child was me and still lived inside me, nearly forgotten after all these years. In my letters, I assured him that the dangers, while real, had now passed and that he was safe to come out and have a look around. I made a commitment to take care of him, to always be there for him, to keep him safe and to love him unconditionally.
By the time I was finished with the exercise, I had reconnected with a long-forgotten part of myself, the part of me that enjoyed life and was unafraid to experience life. To me, this was a significant phase in my spiritual awakening...
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Awesome Post, Mike!
I've visualized "raising" my Inner Children (ages 6, 10, 13, and 15) at various times in my life, making deals with them to let them come out and play now and again, as long as they let me do all the "grown up stuff" and conferencing with them from time to time, visualizing giving them each a hug and loving words.
I've written a letter to myself at age 15...the age I used to always remember as my "Happiest Year" (which I now recognize as the year I learned to ignore and pretend like all the things that were happening all around me weren't happening at all).
Just wanted to add my 2 cents.
I've visualized "raising" my Inner Children (ages 6, 10, 13, and 15) at various times in my life, making deals with them to let them come out and play now and again, as long as they let me do all the "grown up stuff" and conferencing with them from time to time, visualizing giving them each a hug and loving words.
I've written a letter to myself at age 15...the age I used to always remember as my "Happiest Year" (which I now recognize as the year I learned to ignore and pretend like all the things that were happening all around me weren't happening at all).
Just wanted to add my 2 cents.
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Originally Posted by nocellphone
...I have a photo of myself from when I was about 3, a happy, smiling little boy ... By the time I was finished with the exercise, I had reconnected with a long-forgotten part of myself, the part of me that enjoyed life and was unafraid to experience life. To me, this was a significant phase in my spiritual awakening...
---------------------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by nocellphone
... I've written a letter to myself at age 15......
Mike
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Awesome. I love how the picture helped you reconnect. That is a great idea. I don't have any such pics, but for those who do that is dynamite. Thanx for sharing that.
I've been told that the simplest definition of recovery is "getting back what was lost or stolen", and this process helped me get back the child in me that had gotten lost in the deep, dark, frightening forest that is the family disease of alcoholism.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
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I have sort of put on hold the inner child work.
I too didnt have any pics of a happy girl. Its kind of ironic that I never smiled in pictures and was always being told to smile.."you be so much prettier if you smiled." Lots of pictures, never smiling, never happy. I dont remember having fun or playing, I only remember bad things.
Someone helping me suggested that I imagine what I thought a little girl would like, foods, toys, that kind of thing and reinvent what I thought a happy girl would be. It was hard. I did go buy some toys and ate kid food, but it was just too emotional for me and I just cried and felt alone, ugly, stupid, miserable, unloved and not good enough..all the things I felt as a child.
So, what do you suggest for this issue, my wise friends
I can reconnect with a child I cant see. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
I too didnt have any pics of a happy girl. Its kind of ironic that I never smiled in pictures and was always being told to smile.."you be so much prettier if you smiled." Lots of pictures, never smiling, never happy. I dont remember having fun or playing, I only remember bad things.
Someone helping me suggested that I imagine what I thought a little girl would like, foods, toys, that kind of thing and reinvent what I thought a happy girl would be. It was hard. I did go buy some toys and ate kid food, but it was just too emotional for me and I just cried and felt alone, ugly, stupid, miserable, unloved and not good enough..all the things I felt as a child.
So, what do you suggest for this issue, my wise friends
I can reconnect with a child I cant see. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
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Hey there Sarah,
I was that way for awhile too. Only bad memories. But after working on my inner child some good memories started to come up. Now I remember all kinds of good times I had, all the times my parents were _out_ of the house and I was home alone with my little brother. I dunno where my parents were, drinking I assume, but I don't care. They were gone and those moments were wonderful.
Yeah I tried that too, didn't work for me either.
What works for me is to do things today that are _not_ the things a little kid would do, but to do things that are totally un-adult.
I took a juggling class and learned to juggle. Just for fun. It's a totally not-adult thing to do. I practiced and can actually juggle 3 objects. Not very well, but passably. Then I took another class and learned how to _teach_ juggling, so I can have even more fun teaching it.
I took a clowning class later on. Learned all kinds of silly stuff. Not very good at that either but I had a blast, still have the clown costume in my closet.
Learned a few magic tricks, just for kicks. Got some books and learned some more.
Tried doing all three; a magic, juggling clown. Boy did I suck. And boy did I have fun doing it.
I don't remember ever wanting to be a clown, or a magician, or a juggler when I was a kid. I took those classes because they are _childlike_ things to do, not things I wished as a child. Doing those things helped me have fun, helped me learn how to _enjoy_ having fun, how to unwind a little, be less stress-filled.
Today I will grab some rolls of paper towels in the grocery store and juggle them, just for kicks. It entertains the heck out of the other customers, embarrases who I'm with (ask Cynay, she's suffered thru my antics ) and I can have the silly, light hearted happines I never has as a child.
Eventually I put that _childlike_ love of life to work in my career as a photographer. I'll never be a world famous artist, but I'm having a great time doing it and even have had a few pics shown at galleries.
For me, trying to re-create a past I never had did not heal my "inner child". What healed me was creating a brand new _present_ that is safe for a child to live in. The program of ACoA taught me that I am powerless over my past. It is my _present_ that I can change, and that fills my future with hope.
Mike
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979
...I have sort of put on hold the inner child work.
I too didnt have any pics of a happy girl. Its kind of ironic that I never smiled in pictures and was always being told to smile.."you be so much prettier if you smiled." Lots of pictures, never smiling, never happy. I dont remember having fun or playing, I only remember bad things...
I too didnt have any pics of a happy girl. Its kind of ironic that I never smiled in pictures and was always being told to smile.."you be so much prettier if you smiled." Lots of pictures, never smiling, never happy. I dont remember having fun or playing, I only remember bad things...
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979
... Someone helping me suggested that I imagine what I thought a little girl would like, foods, toys, that kind of thing and reinvent what I thought a happy girl would be. ...
What works for me is to do things today that are _not_ the things a little kid would do, but to do things that are totally un-adult.
I took a juggling class and learned to juggle. Just for fun. It's a totally not-adult thing to do. I practiced and can actually juggle 3 objects. Not very well, but passably. Then I took another class and learned how to _teach_ juggling, so I can have even more fun teaching it.
I took a clowning class later on. Learned all kinds of silly stuff. Not very good at that either but I had a blast, still have the clown costume in my closet.
Learned a few magic tricks, just for kicks. Got some books and learned some more.
Tried doing all three; a magic, juggling clown. Boy did I suck. And boy did I have fun doing it.
I don't remember ever wanting to be a clown, or a magician, or a juggler when I was a kid. I took those classes because they are _childlike_ things to do, not things I wished as a child. Doing those things helped me have fun, helped me learn how to _enjoy_ having fun, how to unwind a little, be less stress-filled.
Today I will grab some rolls of paper towels in the grocery store and juggle them, just for kicks. It entertains the heck out of the other customers, embarrases who I'm with (ask Cynay, she's suffered thru my antics ) and I can have the silly, light hearted happines I never has as a child.
Eventually I put that _childlike_ love of life to work in my career as a photographer. I'll never be a world famous artist, but I'm having a great time doing it and even have had a few pics shown at galleries.
For me, trying to re-create a past I never had did not heal my "inner child". What healed me was creating a brand new _present_ that is safe for a child to live in. The program of ACoA taught me that I am powerless over my past. It is my _present_ that I can change, and that fills my future with hope.
Mike
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I took a juggling class
He cant juggle to save his life...... but he did entertain the little girl in me and everyone near us. He is right, create the "today" play time and enjoy.... Mike has shown me much about the little enjoyments in life.
and btw ... dont let him lie to ya. His Pictures are amazing.
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