Have any of you mended broken relationships
 

How can you reverse the damage that you may have caused? I have caused a lot and know that the path towards recovery will be long, if even possible at all. I do have hope though. In the meantime, what can the alcoholic do to help the people they've harmed?

Well my husband is an alcoholic and not in recovery so I don't know how much help I can be but sometimes I think if he would just admit what he has done and apologize...that'd be a big step in the right direction!

And good job on your recovery!!!

Welcome to SR!

For starters I'd recommend attending AA meetings regularly and working a 12 Step program of recovery. The only way you'll help your loved ones is to remain sober, without that the trust is lost.

Nothing is impossible, not even mending a deeply broken relationship. I wasn't able to save my marriage, but I have the ability to be a great father to my children and a friend to my fellows in recovery. Sobriety is lived 24 hours at a time, life can be richer than your wildest dreams. There is hope, as long as you have the willingness to work for it.

Welcome to SR. Keep posting and reading, you'll find lots of support here.

Welcome to SR Milford32.

Great questions! Just my personal thoughts....

I don't know that the damage can ever be 'reversed'. Instead, I think that one can make ammends, show sincerity and willingness to do better by 'doing better' (actions), and understanding that forgiveness won't come in an instant, in a day, a week or even a month. It takes time, combined with the above to get passed the past to be able to move forward.

However, it is important to realize that it also takes a willingness from the person that was harmed to work on their own recovery, to be willing to forgive (not necessarily forget), not to hold grudges or bring up the past (unless a past issue has not been properly addressed and put to bed yet) to be a positive contributor towards the process. Again, just 'my' thoughts.

It sounds like you are willing Milford, and that's a big part of it.

I don't believe that the damage could ever be reversed, but you can make some serious changes going forward. That's all that I ask of my A-BF. Forget the past damage and just concentrate on doing the right things in the future.

Best of luck to you in your recovery ;-)

Jo

I have been sober for 20 years and the only thing you can do is work the 12 steps, be honest with your recovery, and let your higher power guide you, everything else will happen when you give up your will. I promise you that if you fallow AA simple program your life will get better.

Stay Sober

Certainly damaged relationships can be mended tho' they may never be the same. I think that is great amends and evolutionary to heal broken relationships. However, for everything there is a time and a season and we can't choose for another.

Have a good relationship with yourself and then share that with others.
I believe in the promises.

live

Suit up and show up. Be a loyal friend, family member, keep your word, be honest, let them know you have changed by your actions. Be present in the lives of those you have hurt. Work your program Good luck, anything is possible

I guess it just depends. Some things, such as infidelity, are just deal-breakers - alcoholic or not. I can't imagine ever mending my relationship with my AH. And honestly, I have no desire to anymore. I do wish him the best and sincerely hope that he will find sobriety one day. We are just no good together. The damage is done and there is no bandaid big enough to mend my broken heart. But that's just me, I tend to hold grudges anyway!

Congratulations on choosing the path of sobriety. Everyday you will become stronger and making the right choices will be easier. You will be surprised how forgiving people can be. I would apologize and if you feel comfortable share what you are going through. If people know you well enough, they will notice big changes in you and will be proud of you.

Go to AA meetings, big huge support, and I wish you the best in your journey.

Welcome to SR Milford,,

ACTION< ACTION< ACTION

Say what you mean, mean what you say

Trust is a hard thing to build once its lost. But not impossible. I've been in a position where trust was lost in me. Only through a willingness on BOTH parts and LOTS of time, can it be found.

Peace

I'm glad you've chosen the path of recovery Milford.

I'm actually going through the anger phase on my way to acceptance, so I thought twice about responding and made sure to tone it down :)

It's been over a month since I've heard from my XABF and wonderful things have been happening in my life since I last saw him in March. If he asked me the same question you are asking today I would calmly and honestly tell him that the best thing he could do for me is to leave me alone, not try to call me, email me, or write me.

I'm recovering from being a codie and having him anywhere near me only puts the focus on him and not myself, where it needs to be. i'd never purposefully get in the way of his recovery and showing me he respects mine by steering clear regardless of what he wants would be a start.

It's probably not what you want to hear, but honestly, this is the one thing I want from him.

I absolutely believe damaged relationships can be repaired; I've witnessed it.

[QUOTE=WhatAboutME;1344011]I such as infidelity, are just deal-breakers - alcoholic or not. [QUOTE]

That's not true, its only true for some. Many people recover from infidelity, alcoholic or not.

You can never go back, but going forward could be a possibility. It really all depends on just about everything and anything you could think of..... just what happened, what you can or can't forgive, what you can or can't forget, what your knee jerk reactions would be to certain scenarios, both parties willingness to work on lots of stuff and things....

For example, after over two years of no contact I recently started dating my ex wife. She's clean and sober and we're seeing each other on a very limited basis. Things are OK for the most part even though there are lots of issues being worked through, (as you could imagine). However I have a son from my first marriage that is not exactly tickled pink that I'm seeing M again. He's also made it perfectly clear he would disown me if I took this relationship any further than "casual dating". Do I blame him for having this attitude? Heck no. And my relationship with my son takes top priority here.

Like I said, you can never go back.....

Now what if your son's mother were her, the person you are now seeing after 2 years?

Stay sober, give it time, walk the walk, take action on your own, for yourself and be good to you, it sounds selfish but once the Alcoholic FINALLY starts taking care of themselves, the folks they love see this, they aren't blind, they see it, hear it in your voice, they respond to that, that is the GIFT.

Not to derail the thread, but maybe this will help?

M has 3 children and she is seeing them as well. She's trying to repair the damage done to the relationship with her own children. That was her first priority, as you might imagine. Will it work? I dunno.

But if your question is would the boy want to see his Mom... sure. Kids will always want to be reunited with their parents, even after much worse treatment.

My step children are very nervous as you might imagine. They are desperately hoping this isn't another temporary fling with sobriety. They are used to disappointment in this area. Only time will tell.

Actions talk and words whisper.

Well, infidelity is MY deal-breaker, and that's the only person I was referring to.

As usual E, BIG thought, said with few words.

Milford, right now, I'm struggling with my boundries. Truth be told I was almost afraid to read your thread. That new to my own recovery that it may "tip the scales" if you will in my A's favor.

OMG, people are posting that the relationship CAN be saved. Let me cross my own boundry to see if mine can

Ummmmmmmmm,,,,,,NOT

All I can do is be in this day. And let the "chip's fall where they may".

Personally, for me to think the realtionship can be saved takes the focus OFF my own recovery. I have to go at it from the angle, its over. Double dose of grief if you will. The loss of my codieism, and the demise of my dreams.

Only then will I have clarity and do what is right for ME, instead of someone else

Peace

Nice to meet you Milford! It's a wonderful group here..

Personally, I was forgiven by my GF for YEARS of crappy treatment, and our relationship is 100% better than it EVER was..I guess it depends on the people. I thank my HP every day for her being who she is...and that gift of forgiveness. I think that as you become more and more sober, you'll start to look at things/events/ and relationships in a whole other light. I hope that it goes the way that you want it too... Karen

I think that sincerely apologizing and then not dwelling on the past, but moving forward together, which is possible for some couples, it all depends on the individual and the circumstances.

My husband has made a dramatic change for the better, and I am proud of him for that. His actions do speak louder than words.

Just take it day by day.

I know that I am sorry are only three little words but they can mean the world to some people. But remeber the element of trust has to be there before any thing major can happen or at least that is is biggest problem I have with my A.

My gf and I back together..she sober
I work my program, she works her...no emmeshing

The wreackage ?...I can make list that could go on forever.
Somedays are better than others, but it's like paradize compare to
the crazy drunken monster. it's not perfect..but oh well.
it was a bit rough at first becuase, becuase she wanted to revert back to
old habits. I just apply boundaries and know that she wasn't totally well
I don't belive she can comperhend how I feel about a lot of things.
I don't expect her to. I don't think she can repair the wreakage
the occured..becuase it didn't happened over nite. And if I was
waiting to be happy until she dose so...I'm fooling myself.

I still have to do my part, because bascially I just shut down sometimes.
I need time alone sometimes. Bascailly my life dosn't evolve around her's
There's communication and it makesense..simply becuase she's not wacked
out of her mind and she's present .... not the disease.
As long as she's sober and working a program..it's workable.

She's been sober for 8 years before and there program in her somewhere.
it's just the 3 years of wreackage when the monster showed up
that kind of blew my mind.lol
The relationship is a trip...life is a trip.

seriouly..lol I must be so enlighten that I can comprehend that forgiveness is
not a requirement. I can simply choose to let go or live in the moment or
live beyound the pain.
Wow..i having an ahha moment...I remember saying this to her when we
first met..."it's like a canni store....it's like a canni store"
What it means is...I have chioces and there's all kinds of flavor in a canny
store.

Ditto to whataboutme said.....infidelity is also a deal-breaker for this Ohio girl. There are many alcoholics who have not cheated on their spouse....the two problems are totally different in my own opinion. And for me add the drugs and the ho??? Please - no remorse and all the blaming done on me and the kids...??? Forgiveness is not possible at this time - maybe many years from now who knows but definitely not in the next 10 years.

Action talks
Bulls.h.i.t walks

I believe love can prevail where there is a will there is a way.

I have been so hurt therefore I don't know it there is anything he could do to "fix" this.

Part of recovery is making amends, letting go of anger cause keeping it is akin to keeping hot coals in your hand, it will omly continue to hurt you.

Of course your loved one would need to sober up and shape up.