Well, infidelity is MY deal-breaker, and that's the only person I was referring to.

As usual E, BIG thought, said with few words.

Milford, right now, I'm struggling with my boundries. Truth be told I was almost afraid to read your thread. That new to my own recovery that it may "tip the scales" if you will in my A's favor.

OMG, people are posting that the relationship CAN be saved. Let me cross my own boundry to see if mine can

Ummmmmmmmm,,,,,,NOT

All I can do is be in this day. And let the "chip's fall where they may".

Personally, for me to think the realtionship can be saved takes the focus OFF my own recovery. I have to go at it from the angle, its over. Double dose of grief if you will. The loss of my codieism, and the demise of my dreams.

Only then will I have clarity and do what is right for ME, instead of someone else

Peace

Nice to meet you Milford! It's a wonderful group here..

Personally, I was forgiven by my GF for YEARS of crappy treatment, and our relationship is 100% better than it EVER was..I guess it depends on the people. I thank my HP every day for her being who she is...and that gift of forgiveness. I think that as you become more and more sober, you'll start to look at things/events/ and relationships in a whole other light. I hope that it goes the way that you want it too... Karen

I think that sincerely apologizing and then not dwelling on the past, but moving forward together, which is possible for some couples, it all depends on the individual and the circumstances.

My husband has made a dramatic change for the better, and I am proud of him for that. His actions do speak louder than words.

Just take it day by day.

I know that I am sorry are only three little words but they can mean the world to some people. But remeber the element of trust has to be there before any thing major can happen or at least that is is biggest problem I have with my A.

My gf and I back together..she sober
I work my program, she works her...no emmeshing

The wreackage ?...I can make list that could go on forever.
Somedays are better than others, but it's like paradize compare to
the crazy drunken monster. it's not perfect..but oh well.
it was a bit rough at first becuase, becuase she wanted to revert back to
old habits. I just apply boundaries and know that she wasn't totally well
I don't belive she can comperhend how I feel about a lot of things.
I don't expect her to. I don't think she can repair the wreakage
the occured..becuase it didn't happened over nite. And if I was
waiting to be happy until she dose so...I'm fooling myself.

I still have to do my part, because bascially I just shut down sometimes.
I need time alone sometimes. Bascailly my life dosn't evolve around her's
There's communication and it makesense..simply becuase she's not wacked
out of her mind and she's present .... not the disease.
As long as she's sober and working a program..it's workable.

She's been sober for 8 years before and there program in her somewhere.
it's just the 3 years of wreackage when the monster showed up
that kind of blew my mind.lol
The relationship is a trip...life is a trip.

seriouly..lol I must be so enlighten that I can comprehend that forgiveness is
not a requirement. I can simply choose to let go or live in the moment or
live beyound the pain.
Wow..i having an ahha moment...I remember saying this to her when we
first met..."it's like a canni store....it's like a canni store"
What it means is...I have chioces and there's all kinds of flavor in a canny
store.

Ditto to whataboutme said.....infidelity is also a deal-breaker for this Ohio girl. There are many alcoholics who have not cheated on their spouse....the two problems are totally different in my own opinion. And for me add the drugs and the ho??? Please - no remorse and all the blaming done on me and the kids...??? Forgiveness is not possible at this time - maybe many years from now who knows but definitely not in the next 10 years.

Action talks
Bulls.h.i.t walks

I believe love can prevail where there is a will there is a way.

I have been so hurt therefore I don't know it there is anything he could do to "fix" this.

Part of recovery is making amends, letting go of anger cause keeping it is akin to keeping hot coals in your hand, it will omly continue to hurt you.

Of course your loved one would need to sober up and shape up.

Yes they can, but it takes time, I am over 8 months sober, actively working my program in AA, can I firmly say I saved our marriage? No! I am doing everything I can to make amends and make up for things I have done or not done.

I do not know if I waited to late and she is not sure either. We do not argue, she does get..... for lack of a better word jealous of my meetings, me meeting with my sponsor and my sponsee. Last night she actually said to me that I might be happier with some one in recovery then her. I let her know that there was nothing further from the proof.

Things are far better then they were while I was drinking, she knows I have to keep my recovery as the #1 thing in my life. I feel in time we will get back where we were years ago, because she also tells me how nice it is for the kids to have a father again and her not having to do everything around the house except yard work.

All I can do is try.

yes...codi have a 12 program too...there's a step #8 and #9 in there somewhere.

seriousley, action talks, ******** walks

Walk the walk, do not just talk the talk.

If for one minute...that I think gf is going to trade one prison from
the bottle to another prison of my love or what my demands of love are.
I'm fooling myself.

At some piont, when she truns her will and her life over to a loving god
that's love her unconditionally...She's not going to need my love anyways.
At some piont when she's strong enough and clear head enough and becomes
spiritaul enough...She will not be spineless. She will tell me to go to hell if need
be.

She never got sober me...she got sober for herself....that's needs to clear to me.

It is possible. I am proof.
As far as correcting...fixing things we have broken..
The best way I have found is to live each day the way I should have from now on.
I can't change yesterday but I sure can make today the best day I am able to make it. By keep doing what is right over time, our actions do our talking for us. By our keep doing what we say we will do... our actions start to regain the trust we have given away. By changing my focus from self to that of others is what I found works best.
Today I will strive to not make the same mistakes of yesterday and by my actions others may smile once again.