My fantasy girl
 

Just a few years ago I came to realize that most if not all my life I was living in a fantasy world as a result of a neurotic mentality. I learned to escape rather than face reality which is why the first time I experienced the euphoria of alcohol I instantly was hooked.

When I was 12 a new family arrived at my church. One of the girls in this family was my age and had an obvious crush on me, and for once in my life, the feeling was mutual. We were both extremely shy, and with me being friends with her brothers, we did a lot of our communicating through them. Most of the time I went to her house and out with her family rather than her spending time with me and my family.

During this time I had the same euphoric, "on top of the world" feeling as when I had my first drinks. Something about it made me feel like I could do anything. This girl seemed to almost worship me, and I wanted to do anything I could to make her happy.

Strangely enough I started thinking about the day we'd be married, I'd be a concert pianist, and we'd live happily ever after and all that bull****. Being naieve, I couldn't wait to be an adult and make all this stuff happen.

A year after we met, her and her family moved over 600 miles away. I took it pretty well it seemed, always assuming someday we would inevitably get back together(what a joke). It was just a matter of time. Over the next four to five years her family would return every couple of years and they'd stop in at the church. Each time I saw her we seemed to pick up where we left off, but still being very sh,y by the time the ice would break she was gone again. One of the last times she came to visit I was just turning 17, and she talked her parents into letting me return home with them for a couple of weeks. Her dad had to come back up north on a business trip, so he had no problem taking me back home. Those feelings of euphoria returned stronger than ever.

I spent a couple of awkward weeks with her and her family, but I noticed something this time I hadn't noticed before. I felt really scrutinized by her mom. Don't get me wrong, her parents are really cool and really treated me well, but her mom always was telling me how nice I was and what a gentleman I was, and something about the way she talked to me made me feel like I was walking on eggshells to go along with my already shy personality. Wanting to please I was the complete "gentleman," afraid to make a move, afraid to do anything wrong. I think I was as afraid of being rejected by her parents as I was of being rejected by her. I was already sexually supressed as it was, almost thinking I could impregnate a girl just by looking at her.

By the time I left, in her own indirect way she let me know she just wasn't feeling it anymore. Discouraged but not defeated, I STILL believed it was all going to work out, we just needed to live in the same area. I would be graduating from high school soon and figured this wouldn't have to be a problem anymore(I was told she just wanted to remain friends because we lived so far away).

I saw her once again a year later, and I could see she just wasn't looking at me the same way she always did. She told me about a guy she met, and from what she was telling me, he was totally opposite of me, a total badass. Less than a year later she was pregnant with his baby. Devastated, I licked my wounds and then went into denial. I refused to let go and I never had any closure, a concept I didn't know anything about all those years.

Skipping ahead a little, I finally realized it wasn't the girl I had fallen in love with, but that euphoric feeling I was trying desperately to recapture. I took that feeling and attached it to a girl, and that girl became what I now call my "fantasy girl." In my mind I had a real realtionship, even sending her presents on her birthday and other special occasions. This long-distance "relationship" allowed me to keep a safe distance, not having to deal with what goes along with a real relationship. When reality finally hit me I felt like my life was the punchline of a joke, and if nothing else comes of all of this maybe someone can at least get a good laugh.

I have the same kind of story. I just figured it out here on the alanon board about 6 months ago. It was traumatic when the reality of wasting my whole life on "hope" hit me. It was a childhood survival method. Reality was so bad that I had to escape in fantacy. It probably saved my life to do so, but it also wasted all of my todays. That kind of unrealistic hope is the opposite of acceptance. I finally reached a point where I could accept reality and was able to let that hope go. I am so much happier living in today, only, now and taking it for what it is and not adding anything to it. It's content that way. There is a difference between goals and unrealistic hope and fantacy.

Acceptance is the key and can be very painful at first.

Hugs,
MG

MG, I was going to post this on your "surviving significant loss" thread, but it didn't seem to quite fit so I decided to start another one. It's amazing that I've experienced all of those characteristics of grief over something that was a creation of my own imagination. It's also amazing that neurosis can make fantasy seem so real. It's one of those things you think only happens to "weird" people, and then you find out you're one of those people. At this point all I can do is look back and laugh at my foolishness and ignorance, but I have to admit I miss some of the bliss that went with that ignorance.

I think there is a way to find it within us instead of outside of ourselves. There are lots of things in life I miss. The sad thing is that I couldn't enjoy it in the day I had it.

I'm trying hard to realize that there are a lot of things in today that I will miss in the future. I'm going to try to recognize those things and enjoy them now.

It's hard because life can be kind of BLAH at times. Is that how you spell blah?,lol.

You have so much life and adventure ahead. There will be moments of bliss, but real life is more of the day to day ordinary stuff. Fantasy can be healthy. I watch my sci-fi shows and love to imagine different things about time and space and make up my own theories. I've learned to just fill up my mind and enjoy myself by myself. It's really strange because I could never do that before.

Well anyway, I'm just rambling on.

Hugs,
MG

I agree MG. Memory has a way of making things seem better or worse than what they were sometimes, at least that's the way I think it works for me. I'm trying to enjoy things as I experience them rather than wait until I have to rely on my possibly distorted memory of them. Like you say fantasy can be a good thing, as long as it doens't make reality seem unbearable.

This all makes alot of sense to me, I tend to want to operate by ideals rather than realistically.
Should, could, ought....to be.
My counselor says she wishes she would never hear those words again.:D

I found this and thought others might find it interesting as well. If only I had know this about myself years ago; then again I one of those people who has to learn things the hard way:

Thanks Captain Morgan.

I can't open it on this computer. I'll read it when I turn on my other computer.

Hugs,
MG

Oops...sorry MG. I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to attaching files. You'd think I'd know how to use a computer by now, haha.

I don't think it's you. I'm missing programs on this computer. I got that bad klez worm virus that ate things up. I'll try it later. :D

I'll try doing it this way. It's not that long:


CODEPENDENCY CHARACTERISTICS (PERSON ADDICTION)
The following characteristics are typical of RELATIONALLY ADDICTIVE people. A person addict is known as a CODEPENDENT:
1. Typically, we come from a dysfunctional home in which our emotional needs were not met.
2. Having received little real nurturing ourselves, we try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to people who appear, in some way, needy.
3. Because we were never able to change our parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) we longed for, we respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable person whom we can again try to change through our love.
4. Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order NOT to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there emoitonally for us.
5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the person we are involved with.
6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, we are willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
7. We tend to be willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.
8. Our selfesteem is critically low, and deep inside we believe we must earn the right to enjoy life.
9. We have a desperate need to control people and our relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. We mask our efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful."
10. In a relationship, we are much more in touch with our dream of how it could be than with the reality of our situation.
11. We are addicted to a person or people and to emotional pain.
12. We may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.
13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to ourselves.
14. We may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which we try to
forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15. To experience a one on one relationship, we are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested in us. We find such "nice" people boring.
16. Since we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, it is easier for us to be concerned with others needs rather than ours. We tend not to take care of ourselves emotionally, physically, spiritually, and/or psychologically. This focus on others, in turn, has enabled us to avoid looking closely at our own faults.
17. We "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too muchour feelings our frozen.
18. We tend to sooner or later become isolated from and afraid of people and authority figures.
19. We have become approval seekers and have lost our identity in the process.
20. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
21. We live from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
22. We judge ourselves harshly and without mercy.
23. We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
24. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue.
25. We tend to be perfectionistic and judgmental.
26. We are reactors in life rather than actors.
27. We are entangled in our relationships and we either lean excessively on another (or tolerate that behavior from another) rather than standing as separate individuals reaching out to relate to and help one another.

That's a great post.

I still struggle with a lot of these things. Number 4 was my worst struggle. I'm not sure if I could have a stable relationship, but at least I'm not hanging on to a bad one now.

I've been working on number 7 and I've made some good progress. That has been a tough one for me.

I have a lot of work to do on number 18. It's worse than it used to be.

I struggle a lot with number 20, 22 and 23

I've made progress with 25 and 26.

It takes a lot of hard work to change these beliefs and behaviors. Thanks for posting this. It's a good tool to measure progress and set goals.

Hugs,
MG

captain morgan i love taht story....
it was beautiful (dont laugh).

i wish she would have loved u back.

i know thats not the point..still, i loved that story

15. To experience a one on one relationship, we are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested in us. We find such "nice" people boring.

oh god..thats me...
where ever did u get such valueble information??

Hi Leiana. The "fantasy girl" in the story now has 3 children to 2 different guys. Her biological father left her and her mother when whe was very young. I knew this all along, but I didn't understand the significance of it until just a few years ago. It's strange when suddenly the proverbial light bulb turns on in your head and the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fit together; not that I have all the answers now to why things happened as they did, and it's probably better that way, but hindsight truely is 20/20.

She has a fear of abandonment, understandably, and yet she is attracted to guys that treat her just like her dad did, which was the case with the father of her first 2 children and just about every other boyfriend she told me about. Ironically enough, at least to me it seemed that way at the time, it turned out I was the one afraid of being abandoned. I was the shoulder for her to cry on, figuratively speaking of course. I became the backup, long distance "boyfriend" when she moved away. As long as things seemed to be going well for her, she didn't care if she ever heard from me, and I played along like a sap.

Anyway it's all for the best it didn't work out. We're 2 people who have too many issues for a relationship to ever work; we would just bog each other down. She is a beautiful person in her own way, and I wish there was something I could do to make her happy, but I'm not in any position to do that, and I now realize it's all for the best.

The Codependency Characteristics list really seems to help explain why I clung on to my "fantasy girl." It was really strange reading it in that just about every single characteristic in the list applied to me. I think I found it while searching for a book about love addiction after reading a thread on this site about obsessive love or something to that effect. Anyway thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts Leiana.

Hey MG, somehow I missed your post. I'm always at least 2 steps behind, haha. You say you're working on several of these characteristics; how do you go about doing this? I assume every time you recognize yourself exhibiting one of these characteristics you make a conscious effort to change your way of thinking? These are habits that are so ingrained in the psyche, and they are tough to break indeed. Thanks for posting MG. You always find a way to sort through all my gibberish.

I think I'm too far gone to change this crazy brain of mine. I was just thinking that I've gotten past most of the emotional damage and now the problem is with my thinking.

The main problem that I have is analyzing everything to death. I'm so tired of thinking that I can hardly stand it anymore, but I just can't seem to stop. I have a strange feeling that God will start working on it, but I can't imagine how he will fix it. Maybe I'll just get so tired that I'll stop.

Peace of mind sounds so nice.

Hugs,
MG

MG
Your post has depleted my overworked mind for tonight!:D You sure know how to end a good thinking day!
This is just as messy as picking every single piece of meat from a chicken bone!
There is never anything left of something that I am analizing, til death do us part.

Oh....the pain of it......I circle, then pounce, then scritch and scratch, throw it up, slam it down, turn it sideways, look at it cross eyed, stomp on it, shake it, hang it upside down...and it still follows me to bed....

What I would not give for an off switch....:D

Love the candle Sky.

I'm going to look for the off switch. It just has to be here somewhere.

Hugs,
MG

I know what you mean MG. I'm to the point now where I can hardly stand to be by myself in silence. I have to have music playing, or the tv or something to keep my mind from having a chance to think. I still do think it's good to have time for self-reflection, but good Lord I don't know when to stop. It seems to just be part of my obsessive, addictive personality. By the time I have myself figured out I'll be dead, haha.

It's who I am and what I do, lol.

Right on MG! I think many times the very same things that make up our strengths make up are weaknesses as well.

I'ts been well over a year, (almost a year and a half) since I contacted "my fantasy girl." Sometimes I have to admit I wonder what (if anything) she thinks or remembers of me. She now has three kids, from two different guys, and the last is almost 2 years old. I sometimes wonder if she is married.

I used to think this girl had a mutual crush on me; now I just think her mother liked me, and encouraged her to like me at an impressionable age. I now believe no girl has ever had a mutual attraction to me, which I thought she was the first and only that meant anything to me. I don't call her; she doesn't call me; seems like mutual rejection to me.

Mike

I enjoyed your story even though I'm sorry for your pain. It was just a well told and interesting read.

It always stuns me when I hear a guy talking about a girl the way I've always wanted to be talked about by someone special. I tend to forget that there are a few decent men out there, or maybe more, but my co-dependency keeps them all running from me and me running from them...I guess. I'm definetly number 15 on that list. It seems I always fall in love with the idea of who I think someone is or could be. I "what-if" and "if only" myself into believing everything will work out and not to give up. I also call this the "fairy tale syndrome" where we all keep watching and waiting for our night in shining armor, or damsel in distress, so that we can live happily ever after.

I think it's funny that you go by Captian Morgan because I've had 2 fantasy men in my life and the first would always buy me a Captian and Coke when we went out. It became my favorite drink for a long time after he moved 1/2 way across the country, just because I had loved him so much and it reminded me of him...and obviously still does.

Hi Capt.Morgan, I can relate to your post. Only diference is I married my first wife. We ended up divorced. After that I ran around looking to fall in love. It is only in the past year or so I've learned that it was," being in love, with being in love." I have to say that even my present marriage happened like that. The difference now is I'm looking at it from a different perspective. Because I was sexualy by family members, I falsely learned that as a sign of affection. I was ready to fall in love with anyone I had sex with. This, over the years was my way of making up, showing love etc. This might sound strange but, I figured my brothers and sisters must love me, and they show it in this way, so the lesson was learned. I think this is one of the false lessons MG talks about. I now believe I'm in the process of unlearning it. My wife is looking for more affection from our marrage. The old lesson isn't working. I'm now learning to simply hold her hand while walking, hugging, etc. And the biggie, OH MY GOD, WE HAVE TO TALK MORE, AND ABOUT FEELINGS ALSO. I'm kidding, it's not that bad. I'm learning that when I'm troubled I don'y have to worry alone. I can share with her and I feel better, and she feels more a part of my life. Sometimes, I forget that the things I learn here and at meetings can and should be brought to my outside life. Simple thought, difficult lesson. Don W

Thanks again boys for sharing your stories.

Though I don't think I'll ever understand why most men do have such a hard time talking about their feelings with the people they are closest to?

Don, I think true love can grow under the right conditions even if it wasn't there at the beginning of the season. So I pray you and your wife will grow closer and more in love each day. And I think it's really healthy that you two are learning to talk more....because I think that will open the door to becoming each other's best friend for the rest of your lives.

Hugs,
Jenna


P.S. Captian, I also failed to notice the fact that my "fantasy boy #2" was living in Tenn. when we first got together. He moved out there and then rolled back into town for a reprieve from the Nashville life of starvation (starvation only because he spent all his gig money on booze). He went back for a month before giving up completely (at least for now anyway). During the most devestatingly painful part of our crazy relationship, it seemed everywhere I went and everything I did....someone would somehow start talking about Tennessee. And since he's the only connection I've ever had to the state...I can't help, but think of him.

So...I don't know what the signifigance is or if there is one...really, I'm just yapping, but the words Captian Morgan and Tennessee will probably always be "triggers" for these old memories. I wish I didn't have them. They hurt. All those memories just remind me of so much loss. Not just loss of the 2 guys, but loss of my most dearest and most precious hopes and dreams. Crushed.

At least I guess I'm thankful I'm learning all this now in my life instead of after conguring up a "fantasy husband #3" and a "fantasy husband #4" and so on...continuing the painful and unbarable fairy tale gone bad. Like MG said, I can enjoy my days for what they are and not what I think they are suppose to be. Now I can cut my losses when I realize a relationship is right for me instead of hanging on to some irrational belief that he will change and everything will be as I dreamed. Because, while he can change (which I pray he does), chances are he won't and even if he does, chance are that he still won't be the right partner for me. It's a hard dream to let go of completely, but one that all of us fantasy creators must do if we are to ever find happiness.

Hugs,
Jenna

It always stuns me (for the first time) to hear (read) a girl indirectly calling me decent. I have no game. ( I don't tell girls what they want to hear) I do not think "The American Way."

I wonder where God is in religion: ( I can't find him there)

Isaiah 29
13 Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men:

I wonder where God is in America: (I can't find him in politics)

6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.
7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.
8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.
9 But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.
10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
11 But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness.
12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

In my opinion, religion is more destructive to people and their families than alcoholism and drug abuse, old age, and STD's combined. Conventional religion gives false hope; it preaches a tainted gospel; it teaches a distored view on life; it mixes truth with deception. There's a lot of money to be made in traditional religion.

The Bible tells me of one religion that is worth practicing, and it isn't found in some "Christian denomination" on Sunday:


James 1
26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.
27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Exactly. That's what this thread is all about: the deception of the fairytale story. It's great as long as you realize it doesn't exist in reality, at least not for most of us.

There is so much addressed by you and shutterbug that I get lost in my own thoughts to what you both have said.

I'm going to make a list of my own thoughts and observations of things relating to life and yada yada yada...:

1. My life is not my own. It is ultimately God's to do with as He chooses, and I am in no position to defend myself.
2. I do not deserve anything (nothingness) Anything good I experience is a gift, and anythihg bad I deserve. As a sinner saved by grace, God has mercy on me every day.
3, Love is one of the many gifts of God. Love is an experience I can have with every human being, whether male or female. Love is not an attraction, but is simply an acceptance of another human being exactly the way he or she is.
4. I can love someone without feeling any sexual attraction.
5. Sexual attraction is a built in mechanism for procreation, or propetuation of the species. I can love another girl, but not be romantically or sexually attracted to her. I can be sexually or romantically attracted to a girl, but not love her. I can love someone, but not be sexually, physically, or romantically attracted to him/her. I can love another girl spiritually, but not be physically or sexually attracted to her.
6. When I say spiritual attraction I mean attraction to what the girl ultimately desires. When a girl sees past the deception of this life I find that spiritually attractive. This does not make me romatically or sexually attracted to her, and does not necessarily make me want to marry her. I only want to marry a girl if both come together.
7.Sex is not simply for procreation. Sex is a gift of God representing Christ's love for the church. Sex is within the marriage covenant. (otherwise it's just f'ing) Sex is a physical marriage, or enjoinment, of a man's desires with a women's. representing Christ's desires being one with his bride. (the church) Not 2 becoming one if they can stand each others' idiosyncrasies, quirks, or cultural differences.

Random thoughts on this thread,
Mike

sounds like me too...
 

I read your post and it sounds alot like me I do the same things alot of times but you just it's all in your mind and I had a stint of relationship w/someone at work and I had all these feelings and they kept getting stronger and stronger so it made me feel so guilty cause I am married so I tried to bury them and I knew they were just feelings so I made a letter to him and tried
to figure out how to get rid of them so I put them all on paper and threw the paper away. I finally realized they were just feelings but I continued to talk to him and that is when I passed the point of just wanting someone to love me I was acting on it and now I am tryng desperately to keep my distance and my self respect for my marriage's sake not to mention my kids and everythng that we both have together. I know it's not all my fault that I am doing this and I don't know any more I feel depressed but relieved that I finally spit it out. Thank you Captain Morgan for pointing my thoughts in the right direction. I was getting lost there and I know what I have to do now.

Captain, I haven't posted in your thread since, because I don't get all of what you are trying to say with the Bible scriptures. I am trying to build up my spirituallity and my understand of the God's words, but I'm having trouble. I need things explained to me in very simple terms these days.

I know that I am addicted to the thoughts and feelings of "thinking" I'm in love. I don't believe I really have truely been in love before, but ya sure coulda fooled me at the time. I thought I could never ever love a person more. No way Jose. Now all I know is that I don't know diddly sqwat.

hum