My fantasy girl
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My fantasy girl
Just a few years ago I came to realize that most if not all my life I was living in a fantasy world as a result of a neurotic mentality. I learned to escape rather than face reality which is why the first time I experienced the euphoria of alcohol I instantly was hooked.
When I was 12 a new family arrived at my church. One of the girls in this family was my age and had an obvious crush on me, and for once in my life, the feeling was mutual. We were both extremely shy, and with me being friends with her brothers, we did a lot of our communicating through them. Most of the time I went to her house and out with her family rather than her spending time with me and my family.
During this time I had the same euphoric, "on top of the world" feeling as when I had my first drinks. Something about it made me feel like I could do anything. This girl seemed to almost worship me, and I wanted to do anything I could to make her happy.
Strangely enough I started thinking about the day we'd be married, I'd be a concert pianist, and we'd live happily ever after and all that bull****. Being naieve, I couldn't wait to be an adult and make all this stuff happen.
A year after we met, her and her family moved over 600 miles away. I took it pretty well it seemed, always assuming someday we would inevitably get back together(what a joke). It was just a matter of time. Over the next four to five years her family would return every couple of years and they'd stop in at the church. Each time I saw her we seemed to pick up where we left off, but still being very sh,y by the time the ice would break she was gone again. One of the last times she came to visit I was just turning 17, and she talked her parents into letting me return home with them for a couple of weeks. Her dad had to come back up north on a business trip, so he had no problem taking me back home. Those feelings of euphoria returned stronger than ever.
I spent a couple of awkward weeks with her and her family, but I noticed something this time I hadn't noticed before. I felt really scrutinized by her mom. Don't get me wrong, her parents are really cool and really treated me well, but her mom always was telling me how nice I was and what a gentleman I was, and something about the way she talked to me made me feel like I was walking on eggshells to go along with my already shy personality. Wanting to please I was the complete "gentleman," afraid to make a move, afraid to do anything wrong. I think I was as afraid of being rejected by her parents as I was of being rejected by her. I was already sexually supressed as it was, almost thinking I could impregnate a girl just by looking at her.
By the time I left, in her own indirect way she let me know she just wasn't feeling it anymore. Discouraged but not defeated, I STILL believed it was all going to work out, we just needed to live in the same area. I would be graduating from high school soon and figured this wouldn't have to be a problem anymore(I was told she just wanted to remain friends because we lived so far away).
I saw her once again a year later, and I could see she just wasn't looking at me the same way she always did. She told me about a guy she met, and from what she was telling me, he was totally opposite of me, a total badass. Less than a year later she was pregnant with his baby. Devastated, I licked my wounds and then went into denial. I refused to let go and I never had any closure, a concept I didn't know anything about all those years.
Skipping ahead a little, I finally realized it wasn't the girl I had fallen in love with, but that euphoric feeling I was trying desperately to recapture. I took that feeling and attached it to a girl, and that girl became what I now call my "fantasy girl." In my mind I had a real realtionship, even sending her presents on her birthday and other special occasions. This long-distance "relationship" allowed me to keep a safe distance, not having to deal with what goes along with a real relationship. When reality finally hit me I felt like my life was the punchline of a joke, and if nothing else comes of all of this maybe someone can at least get a good laugh.
When I was 12 a new family arrived at my church. One of the girls in this family was my age and had an obvious crush on me, and for once in my life, the feeling was mutual. We were both extremely shy, and with me being friends with her brothers, we did a lot of our communicating through them. Most of the time I went to her house and out with her family rather than her spending time with me and my family.
During this time I had the same euphoric, "on top of the world" feeling as when I had my first drinks. Something about it made me feel like I could do anything. This girl seemed to almost worship me, and I wanted to do anything I could to make her happy.
Strangely enough I started thinking about the day we'd be married, I'd be a concert pianist, and we'd live happily ever after and all that bull****. Being naieve, I couldn't wait to be an adult and make all this stuff happen.
A year after we met, her and her family moved over 600 miles away. I took it pretty well it seemed, always assuming someday we would inevitably get back together(what a joke). It was just a matter of time. Over the next four to five years her family would return every couple of years and they'd stop in at the church. Each time I saw her we seemed to pick up where we left off, but still being very sh,y by the time the ice would break she was gone again. One of the last times she came to visit I was just turning 17, and she talked her parents into letting me return home with them for a couple of weeks. Her dad had to come back up north on a business trip, so he had no problem taking me back home. Those feelings of euphoria returned stronger than ever.
I spent a couple of awkward weeks with her and her family, but I noticed something this time I hadn't noticed before. I felt really scrutinized by her mom. Don't get me wrong, her parents are really cool and really treated me well, but her mom always was telling me how nice I was and what a gentleman I was, and something about the way she talked to me made me feel like I was walking on eggshells to go along with my already shy personality. Wanting to please I was the complete "gentleman," afraid to make a move, afraid to do anything wrong. I think I was as afraid of being rejected by her parents as I was of being rejected by her. I was already sexually supressed as it was, almost thinking I could impregnate a girl just by looking at her.
By the time I left, in her own indirect way she let me know she just wasn't feeling it anymore. Discouraged but not defeated, I STILL believed it was all going to work out, we just needed to live in the same area. I would be graduating from high school soon and figured this wouldn't have to be a problem anymore(I was told she just wanted to remain friends because we lived so far away).
I saw her once again a year later, and I could see she just wasn't looking at me the same way she always did. She told me about a guy she met, and from what she was telling me, he was totally opposite of me, a total badass. Less than a year later she was pregnant with his baby. Devastated, I licked my wounds and then went into denial. I refused to let go and I never had any closure, a concept I didn't know anything about all those years.
Skipping ahead a little, I finally realized it wasn't the girl I had fallen in love with, but that euphoric feeling I was trying desperately to recapture. I took that feeling and attached it to a girl, and that girl became what I now call my "fantasy girl." In my mind I had a real realtionship, even sending her presents on her birthday and other special occasions. This long-distance "relationship" allowed me to keep a safe distance, not having to deal with what goes along with a real relationship. When reality finally hit me I felt like my life was the punchline of a joke, and if nothing else comes of all of this maybe someone can at least get a good laugh.
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I have the same kind of story. I just figured it out here on the alanon board about 6 months ago. It was traumatic when the reality of wasting my whole life on "hope" hit me. It was a childhood survival method. Reality was so bad that I had to escape in fantacy. It probably saved my life to do so, but it also wasted all of my todays. That kind of unrealistic hope is the opposite of acceptance. I finally reached a point where I could accept reality and was able to let that hope go. I am so much happier living in today, only, now and taking it for what it is and not adding anything to it. It's content that way. There is a difference between goals and unrealistic hope and fantacy.
Acceptance is the key and can be very painful at first.
Hugs,
MG
Acceptance is the key and can be very painful at first.
Hugs,
MG
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MG, I was going to post this on your "surviving significant loss" thread, but it didn't seem to quite fit so I decided to start another one. It's amazing that I've experienced all of those characteristics of grief over something that was a creation of my own imagination. It's also amazing that neurosis can make fantasy seem so real. It's one of those things you think only happens to "weird" people, and then you find out you're one of those people. At this point all I can do is look back and laugh at my foolishness and ignorance, but I have to admit I miss some of the bliss that went with that ignorance.
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I think there is a way to find it within us instead of outside of ourselves. There are lots of things in life I miss. The sad thing is that I couldn't enjoy it in the day I had it.
I'm trying hard to realize that there are a lot of things in today that I will miss in the future. I'm going to try to recognize those things and enjoy them now.
It's hard because life can be kind of BLAH at times. Is that how you spell blah?,lol.
You have so much life and adventure ahead. There will be moments of bliss, but real life is more of the day to day ordinary stuff. Fantasy can be healthy. I watch my sci-fi shows and love to imagine different things about time and space and make up my own theories. I've learned to just fill up my mind and enjoy myself by myself. It's really strange because I could never do that before.
Well anyway, I'm just rambling on.
Hugs,
MG
I'm trying hard to realize that there are a lot of things in today that I will miss in the future. I'm going to try to recognize those things and enjoy them now.
It's hard because life can be kind of BLAH at times. Is that how you spell blah?,lol.
You have so much life and adventure ahead. There will be moments of bliss, but real life is more of the day to day ordinary stuff. Fantasy can be healthy. I watch my sci-fi shows and love to imagine different things about time and space and make up my own theories. I've learned to just fill up my mind and enjoy myself by myself. It's really strange because I could never do that before.
Well anyway, I'm just rambling on.
Hugs,
MG
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I agree MG. Memory has a way of making things seem better or worse than what they were sometimes, at least that's the way I think it works for me. I'm trying to enjoy things as I experience them rather than wait until I have to rely on my possibly distorted memory of them. Like you say fantasy can be a good thing, as long as it doens't make reality seem unbearable.
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This all makes alot of sense to me, I tend to want to operate by ideals rather than realistically.
Should, could, ought....to be.
My counselor says she wishes she would never hear those words again.
Should, could, ought....to be.
My counselor says she wishes she would never hear those words again.
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I found this and thought others might find it interesting as well. If only I had know this about myself years ago; then again I one of those people who has to learn things the hard way:
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I'll try doing it this way. It's not that long:
CODEPENDENCY CHARACTERISTICS (PERSON ADDICTION)
The following characteristics are typical of RELATIONALLY ADDICTIVE people. A person addict is known as a CODEPENDENT:
1. Typically, we come from a dysfunctional home in which our emotional needs were not met.
2. Having received little real nurturing ourselves, we try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to people who appear, in some way, needy.
3. Because we were never able to change our parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) we longed for, we respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable person whom we can again try to change through our love.
4. Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order NOT to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there emoitonally for us.
5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the person we are involved with.
6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, we are willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
7. We tend to be willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.
8. Our selfesteem is critically low, and deep inside we believe we must earn the right to enjoy life.
9. We have a desperate need to control people and our relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. We mask our efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful."
10. In a relationship, we are much more in touch with our dream of how it could be than with the reality of our situation.
11. We are addicted to a person or people and to emotional pain.
12. We may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.
13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to ourselves.
14. We may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which we try to
forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15. To experience a one on one relationship, we are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested in us. We find such "nice" people boring.
16. Since we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, it is easier for us to be concerned with others needs rather than ours. We tend not to take care of ourselves emotionally, physically, spiritually, and/or psychologically. This focus on others, in turn, has enabled us to avoid looking closely at our own faults.
17. We "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too muchour feelings our frozen.
18. We tend to sooner or later become isolated from and afraid of people and authority figures.
19. We have become approval seekers and have lost our identity in the process.
20. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
21. We live from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
22. We judge ourselves harshly and without mercy.
23. We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
24. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue.
25. We tend to be perfectionistic and judgmental.
26. We are reactors in life rather than actors.
27. We are entangled in our relationships and we either lean excessively on another (or tolerate that behavior from another) rather than standing as separate individuals reaching out to relate to and help one another.
CODEPENDENCY CHARACTERISTICS (PERSON ADDICTION)
The following characteristics are typical of RELATIONALLY ADDICTIVE people. A person addict is known as a CODEPENDENT:
1. Typically, we come from a dysfunctional home in which our emotional needs were not met.
2. Having received little real nurturing ourselves, we try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to people who appear, in some way, needy.
3. Because we were never able to change our parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) we longed for, we respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable person whom we can again try to change through our love.
4. Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order NOT to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there emoitonally for us.
5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the person we are involved with.
6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, we are willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
7. We tend to be willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.
8. Our selfesteem is critically low, and deep inside we believe we must earn the right to enjoy life.
9. We have a desperate need to control people and our relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. We mask our efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful."
10. In a relationship, we are much more in touch with our dream of how it could be than with the reality of our situation.
11. We are addicted to a person or people and to emotional pain.
12. We may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.
13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to ourselves.
14. We may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which we try to
forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15. To experience a one on one relationship, we are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested in us. We find such "nice" people boring.
16. Since we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, it is easier for us to be concerned with others needs rather than ours. We tend not to take care of ourselves emotionally, physically, spiritually, and/or psychologically. This focus on others, in turn, has enabled us to avoid looking closely at our own faults.
17. We "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too muchour feelings our frozen.
18. We tend to sooner or later become isolated from and afraid of people and authority figures.
19. We have become approval seekers and have lost our identity in the process.
20. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
21. We live from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
22. We judge ourselves harshly and without mercy.
23. We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
24. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue.
25. We tend to be perfectionistic and judgmental.
26. We are reactors in life rather than actors.
27. We are entangled in our relationships and we either lean excessively on another (or tolerate that behavior from another) rather than standing as separate individuals reaching out to relate to and help one another.
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That's a great post.
I still struggle with a lot of these things. Number 4 was my worst struggle. I'm not sure if I could have a stable relationship, but at least I'm not hanging on to a bad one now.
I've been working on number 7 and I've made some good progress. That has been a tough one for me.
I have a lot of work to do on number 18. It's worse than it used to be.
I struggle a lot with number 20, 22 and 23
I've made progress with 25 and 26.
It takes a lot of hard work to change these beliefs and behaviors. Thanks for posting this. It's a good tool to measure progress and set goals.
Hugs,
MG
I still struggle with a lot of these things. Number 4 was my worst struggle. I'm not sure if I could have a stable relationship, but at least I'm not hanging on to a bad one now.
I've been working on number 7 and I've made some good progress. That has been a tough one for me.
I have a lot of work to do on number 18. It's worse than it used to be.
I struggle a lot with number 20, 22 and 23
I've made progress with 25 and 26.
It takes a lot of hard work to change these beliefs and behaviors. Thanks for posting this. It's a good tool to measure progress and set goals.
Hugs,
MG
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15. To experience a one on one relationship, we are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested in us. We find such "nice" people boring.
oh god..thats me...
where ever did u get such valueble information??
oh god..thats me...
where ever did u get such valueble information??
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Hi Leiana. The "fantasy girl" in the story now has 3 children to 2 different guys. Her biological father left her and her mother when whe was very young. I knew this all along, but I didn't understand the significance of it until just a few years ago. It's strange when suddenly the proverbial light bulb turns on in your head and the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fit together; not that I have all the answers now to why things happened as they did, and it's probably better that way, but hindsight truely is 20/20.
She has a fear of abandonment, understandably, and yet she is attracted to guys that treat her just like her dad did, which was the case with the father of her first 2 children and just about every other boyfriend she told me about. Ironically enough, at least to me it seemed that way at the time, it turned out I was the one afraid of being abandoned. I was the shoulder for her to cry on, figuratively speaking of course. I became the backup, long distance "boyfriend" when she moved away. As long as things seemed to be going well for her, she didn't care if she ever heard from me, and I played along like a sap.
Anyway it's all for the best it didn't work out. We're 2 people who have too many issues for a relationship to ever work; we would just bog each other down. She is a beautiful person in her own way, and I wish there was something I could do to make her happy, but I'm not in any position to do that, and I now realize it's all for the best.
The Codependency Characteristics list really seems to help explain why I clung on to my "fantasy girl." It was really strange reading it in that just about every single characteristic in the list applied to me. I think I found it while searching for a book about love addiction after reading a thread on this site about obsessive love or something to that effect. Anyway thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts Leiana.
She has a fear of abandonment, understandably, and yet she is attracted to guys that treat her just like her dad did, which was the case with the father of her first 2 children and just about every other boyfriend she told me about. Ironically enough, at least to me it seemed that way at the time, it turned out I was the one afraid of being abandoned. I was the shoulder for her to cry on, figuratively speaking of course. I became the backup, long distance "boyfriend" when she moved away. As long as things seemed to be going well for her, she didn't care if she ever heard from me, and I played along like a sap.
Anyway it's all for the best it didn't work out. We're 2 people who have too many issues for a relationship to ever work; we would just bog each other down. She is a beautiful person in her own way, and I wish there was something I could do to make her happy, but I'm not in any position to do that, and I now realize it's all for the best.
The Codependency Characteristics list really seems to help explain why I clung on to my "fantasy girl." It was really strange reading it in that just about every single characteristic in the list applied to me. I think I found it while searching for a book about love addiction after reading a thread on this site about obsessive love or something to that effect. Anyway thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts Leiana.
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Hey MG, somehow I missed your post. I'm always at least 2 steps behind, haha. You say you're working on several of these characteristics; how do you go about doing this? I assume every time you recognize yourself exhibiting one of these characteristics you make a conscious effort to change your way of thinking? These are habits that are so ingrained in the psyche, and they are tough to break indeed. Thanks for posting MG. You always find a way to sort through all my gibberish.
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I think I'm too far gone to change this crazy brain of mine. I was just thinking that I've gotten past most of the emotional damage and now the problem is with my thinking.
The main problem that I have is analyzing everything to death. I'm so tired of thinking that I can hardly stand it anymore, but I just can't seem to stop. I have a strange feeling that God will start working on it, but I can't imagine how he will fix it. Maybe I'll just get so tired that I'll stop.
Peace of mind sounds so nice.
Hugs,
MG
The main problem that I have is analyzing everything to death. I'm so tired of thinking that I can hardly stand it anymore, but I just can't seem to stop. I have a strange feeling that God will start working on it, but I can't imagine how he will fix it. Maybe I'll just get so tired that I'll stop.
Peace of mind sounds so nice.
Hugs,
MG
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MG
Your post has depleted my overworked mind for tonight! You sure know how to end a good thinking day!
This is just as messy as picking every single piece of meat from a chicken bone!
There is never anything left of something that I am analizing, til death do us part.
Oh....the pain of it......I circle, then pounce, then scritch and scratch, throw it up, slam it down, turn it sideways, look at it cross eyed, stomp on it, shake it, hang it upside down...and it still follows me to bed....
What I would not give for an off switch....
Your post has depleted my overworked mind for tonight!
You sure know how to end a good thinking day!This is just as messy as picking every single piece of meat from a chicken bone!
There is never anything left of something that I am analizing, til death do us part.
Oh....the pain of it......I circle, then pounce, then scritch and scratch, throw it up, slam it down, turn it sideways, look at it cross eyed, stomp on it, shake it, hang it upside down...and it still follows me to bed....
What I would not give for an off switch....
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I know what you mean MG. I'm to the point now where I can hardly stand to be by myself in silence. I have to have music playing, or the tv or something to keep my mind from having a chance to think. I still do think it's good to have time for self-reflection, but good Lord I don't know when to stop. It seems to just be part of my obsessive, addictive personality. By the time I have myself figured out I'll be dead, haha.
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