Hey bulldog.

If your family is anything like mine, there is so much complication that the maze of issues would cost me a lifetime to wade through. So we just do the best we possibly can and take the next step forward....or backward....if we need to retreat.

We are facing life raw and real and complicated: no psychic escape routes. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this way of life we are trudging through without any possibility of forgetting or running away or dimming the lights, is not for the faint of heart.

We all need to step back a bit here and allow you to vent, to discuss, to get things off your chest, and just support you in any way we can.

And if Dad is anything like mine was: his truest dream for you is to stay sober for that precious family of yours....and for you.

It sounds like the situation has been ironed out, and you’re able to have some peace with this.

Take care my friend.

thanks for the kind words Sassy, I appreciate it.

Several posts have been removed from this thread - discussion is fine but personal arguments are not. Please remember that there is an ignore feature available.

Bulldog - I agree that it's probably time to move on, things have moved in a direction that are good for everyone involved so be thankful for that.

It's all good. Perhaps I should have stated I wasn't looking for any more advise after I convinced my dad to get the surgery.

After that, it was more just intended to serve as an update.

If I was an a$$, I apologize. This is a topic I'm very passionate, opinionated and sensitive about and one that I have a strong chance at inheriting. I probably should have mentioned that more clearly as well.

Anyway, I'm in a good place. Spring break is here, and I have plans with the family and some of the neighborhood kids to hit the beach and go to a couple of theme parks.

enjoy the break J.

D

thanks Dee.

This have been overly quiet on my parent's front since that day he agreed to the surgery.

So I called him today and asked how he was doing and he told me he thought the risks were too great for him and he didn't think he wanted to go through with it.

So whatever.

I did my best, he chooses to exist as a coward. I can't change that, obviously.

The only thing I did was ask why and he said that he thought there could be side effects and what if something went wrong, blah blah blah.

So I asked "That 1% of people that had a profound side effect outweighs the 90-95% chance it would be successful? So add to that the other 4% it might not work and the 1% of it that could be bad...you choose to live in the 1%? "

"Yup, and I sent you the information I found on the net that backs it up." he said
"Look at it when you get it" he sent it snail mail.

I said "Yeah Dad, whatever, put mom on the phone."

She knew I was gonna be pissed. She said that "you don't say anything to him, give him his dignity, atleast look at the literature he sent you."

I told her "The only place that f$%king bull$#it is going when I get it out of my mailbox is the f%^&ing TRASH. I'm probably going to get this. I don't need him projecting his BS on to me. I'm gonna be a man and get the GD surgery. If he wants to live as a spineless sack, so be it."

She's not gonna tell my dad what I told her. His "dignity" is too important to her. All I know is I'm DONE with this s#it. I told him and her when this started that my sobriety came first and I'm getting pushed into a bad place now. So I'm done.

I told him I wasn't about twisting his arm, and if that was his decision, then ok, but I'm not gonna be a part of watching him wither away. I was gonna go over this weekend, but I cancelled. I have no want to see him wear his dinner and struggle through the day.

I know this sounds incredibly mean. I get that. However, this is about MY self preservation and I can't watch this train wreck anymore. He said he understood.

I'm incredibly angry. I'm very sad.....but I'm not surprised.

I gotta walk away.. I think it's the only way I don't go into complete and total destruction mode and wreck everything around me.
That family has been toxic to me for decades. I don't know what I was thinking that I could help.

There's an old martial arts saying that says the best way to avoid a punch is to not be there. I'm not gonna stand there getting my ass kicked emotionally anymore. It's just not worth it.

I was spending a lot of time with my mom this week: she lives 1.5 hours from a national park I wanted to take my kids to this week. Since my dad’s death, when my mom and I get together, we do this weepy, regretful guilt thing, kind of a review of my dad’s last week of life. It’s not the healthiest thing but we do it anyway. Lately it occurs to me from time to time that I didn’t see my dad in that week because honestly I was pissed off. I wanted him in hospice and I wanted him to stop fighting. My mom refused to listen to any comfort care talk and kept sending him to the hospital and it was like the third hospital trip in a month to revive him. She wouldn’t listen, he was doing whatever she wanted, and no one would give me an inch. I was furious. 2-3 days later he was dead. I know it’s because they did too much, and if they’d let him be, he might have had a few more weeks. But what kind of weeks? Rough, scary, symptomatic and miserable weeks, probably on morphine and struggling to breathe. Because they fought it he went out like a light instead of lingering.

My story has no lesson for your story. None at all, really. Except that I was just as furious as you were. And they listened to me about as well as your dad is listening to you. And that in the end I had so much less control over any of it than I thought I would.

I say I want those last weeks I was supposed to have with my father, but do I? Do I want those weeks for me, or for him? He would have been suffering. I would have been able to give him more hugs and more talks and more time, but he would have not been a comfortable person.

It still didn’t make me any less angry, about all of it. I wanted you to know from this anecdote that I completely and totally understand your anger.

Sometimes in sobriety my anger is like a wild thing, hot and burning out of control. The anger will bubble and burn around others and cause them pain or confusion, and it helps no one.

So I retreat. Then I feel guilty about retreating, but sometimes it’s not just about protecting our own sobriety but also protecting the people we love.

Cause sometimes mama’s really got a bone to pick, and ain’t nobody wanna be around that....

I can't put into words how much what you wrote, means to me. I know that wasn't easy to write, but I'm so grateful you did. Thank You. From the bottom of my heart.:hug:

Sorry to hear that Bulldog but to be blunt, it seems that you likely escalated the situation yourself if the conversation went as you describe it. You knew exactly what would happen and the outcome was 100% predictable.

Your resentments are very strong and you've said many times that you need to move on, but you obviously haven't. You need to start realizing that the only person who you can change in this situation is you.

I say this not to be confrontational, but to say things as I see them regarding the overall situation. You asked for advice at the beginning of the thread and my advice would be to start looking at healthy ways to work on your own resentments. Engaging your family in this confrontation repeatedly will help no one- especially not you.

I would see it as a two-way deal. If you want your family to respect your choices and preferences, I think it is fair to respect theirs as well on your end. Even if it generates anger, sadness etc.

I’m having a hell of a time getting past anger in sobriety. I drank over alllll the anger for decades and there’s a lot built up.

It is a fiery force when it gets ahold of me, and the people I’ve been most angry at through my life get the brunt of it. Things that should cause irritation causing an explosion: etc. drinking was a way to tamp it down. I don’t have enough sober time to work on my anger and ways to let it go in healthy directions. On days I obliterate myself at the gym I feel better, on days I am immersed in nature, days I get enough sleep and eat correctly, etc.

This is not an emotion that was an issue for me for a long long time, I didn’t even know how angry I was.

I could sit and talk about this anger with a therapist, who would then tell me to find healthy outlets for it, which I’m doing already without the $160 talk therapy fee. ;)

Letting go of resentments can be a lifelong task, but learning to direct them in other ways can be something immediate that reduces harm to self or others.

Fair point, but that is obviously much easier said than done.

I'm a work in progress and that's what we strive for ...all I can do is the best I can, and I think I'm doing that.

I am...I haven't engaged in any self destructive behavior. Talking about it seems to help a lot.

Which is why I walked away.

I don't need or really seek their approval or respect. I was doing this as a favor. Outside of this ...well...for lack of a better word, "ordeal" I have virtually no relationship with them.

That's pretty much me too.

One good thing is, I have learned to cool myself off so I don't go into a quiet rage and do stupid s#it. For me, that's monumental.

I'll be ok.

I distanced myself from them 25 years ago because they were toxic even for a bottom of the basement drunk like me....now...it's bloody apparent that was a smart choice.

I'm feeling much better now. This won't wear on me if I remove it from my life and I have. It was the only good choice to make.

I was not suggesting that you had.

I do have another suggestion though - if you can, take a step back and read through this entire thread from the beginning and pretend it was started by a user other than yourself. And think about what advice you might give them. I find that looking at our issues from an outside perspective can be very helpful. For me it is one of the key tools I use in dealing with my anxiety and helping myself in situations where panic used to be pervasive.

Solid idea, and I tried to do it after you posted this. I just can't separate myself enough from it; not to be biased towards the way I already feel. Maybe that'll change, maybe not.

Ok....I really appreciate everyone that cared enough to post an opinion. An I apologize to anyone I was rude or short with, it wasn't my intention.

Now, I'm putting this thread to bed and I'm not going to respond to it anymore. As far as I'm concerned, this is closed for discussion. Again, thanks to EVERYONE who cared enough to post. :You_Rock_:grouphug:

Hi BD Since I posted something early in this thread and it looked like you had a different POV I just stepped aside and stopped reading the thread. Stopped back in this morning and wow.

Anyway... I have no advice for you. I just want you to know I appreciate that you posted your situation and that you were willing to explain your POV even if others did not see things the same way.

In the end none of us are living your situation and since you stayed sober through it at least from my POV it's the right outcome for all involved.

I'm visiting my in-laws in Manassas Park later today so I will be thinking about you. Have a great Easter.