I did not go to the movie today, nor did I move that piece of furniture. Not sure what I did to use up all of my time. I didn't sit to watch a movie, spent virtually every minute in the rest of the house, did a couple loads of laundry and toted carpets around to see how they would look in their space.

Excellent discussion in IOP tonight - I'll write about that in the morning as I'm almost falling off my chair from drowsiness.

Physically: Exhausted
Mentally: A Bit Foggy
Spiritually: Blessed

Morning meditation:
Grant me humility
Let my inner light shine

Check-In
Physically: Doing well, lost a few pounds (good thing), back is a bit sore
Mentally: All circuits are "go"
Spiritually: Contemplative

IOP flew past last night because the discussions were so good. The most meaningful to me was in regard to getting over past hurts and fear of recovery. How do I get over the awfulness of what happened to me? Who will I be? How will I have fun? I feel like I'm in a good place to work on answering those questions for myself, so felt like I was just... I dunno? Putting out good energy, I guess.

In reaction to a discussion about anxiety, one of the guys talked about how we all were forced into making friends when we were kids (at the pool or park, at school, etc) and it was just a natural thing for us and we did it and it was fine. I said, "This would be a fine place to use 'I statements,' because that's not how it was for me. I didn't know how to make friends and was a loner." Funny how people make assumptions about other people having the same experiences they did.

Perhaps the best part of the night was hanging with a young woman outside afterwards. We couldn't be more opposite externally or in our life experiences aside from our common dual diagnoses, but have a connection nonetheless. because of those two things and another intangible but real thing. Something like affinity or kindrid-ness.

I have off from IOP tonight but have therapy, so that's good. I'll hit up a meeting too. There's so much more to tell, but I've babbled on long enough and want to go do more house stuff.

Peace

my what energy you have!

love reading your posts, and this time specifically thank you for the paragraph about early kid-friendship.
wasn't like that for me, either.
so i appreciate your response about I-statements.

good day to you, Obladi.

Thanks for your response, fini. It's nice to know that sharing my experience is appreciated by others. It's a perfect melding of my love of writing and my desire to do good.

So now that reminds me of a thought I thunk yesterday.

When I was a kid, my entire family of eight would accompany my grandparents to the airport to see them off to an ocean cruise. This was in the day when there was a "way back" in the station wagon and one could smoke everywhere and walk to the gate with the passengers. Some time after they returned, my mom would announce that we were going to visit Grandma and Grandpa. Someone would say, "Are there going to be slides?" And if the answer was yes, we would all let out a groan. Boring!

What I didn't realize until I was in well into adulthood and left the US for the first time is that my grandparents had an absolute ball and they wanted to share that feeling of discovery and fun with us.

This is exactly how I feel about recovery/discovery this time: I would dearly love to share what's working for me and have people give it a go! However, it seems it's true that you're not ready until you're ready. That was certainly the case for me... but I still can't help but bubble over in group and outside of it from time to time. Cue fear of being "too much." Striving for balance.

Saw my therapist today and the first thing he brought up that I had a habit of being late to our appointments. ?? I acknowledged I was late today - it took me an hour to make what should've been a 35 minute trip. People drive funny in the rain around these parts. The only other time I remember being late was when there was a hold-up at Registration.

He asked me how I felt about him saying that and I told him I was a little irritated but it didn't bear further discussion. But later, in the middle of a thought, I remarked that sometimes he was late too. I have access to see what time I checked in for each appointment, but I decided to leave it alone for now and see how I feel about it tomorrow. I really hate being wrong - in both senses of the word.

Moved another piece of furniture today and this leads me to wanting to put something in its former spot. And it also led to a stop to purchase organizing bins for CDs, but I decided I'm going to do that differently. This could go on for awhile...

Evening check-in:
Physically: Drowsy
Mentally: Just a bit irritated
Spiritually: In the right place for me for now

Good stuff Obladi thanks, it's given me some inspiration.

I also hate being wrong in both senses of the word, and I am often late.

He probably is too, maybe as it he hates to wait for people, hence his remark about you being late, which sounds out of line to me.

But your reaction to it may mean there is something there to think about -- maybe not about the late thing but about being criticised (which I hate) -- what do they say about other people just being mirrors.

I love to hear you being so well and thank you for your story about your grandparents, so cool! you go girl.

On the late thing, it is one of my current projects -- stop being late. They asked Obama (my hero) what was the biggest contributor to his success and after some thought he said -- being early. Made me think.

I also just decided to finally reorganise the furniture in our house, which I have been threatening to do for a very long time -- your inspiration. Called a moving company for tomorrow -- that will force me to do it (finally).

XXX from Belgium

Awesome on rearranging, Dropsie. This is something that has always made me feel better throughout all of the years since I first owned a home.

Yes, you're right on the "something more" behind the irritation - and that is the being wrong aspect - as in, "I am being inconsiderate to my therapist by being late and he called me on it. I was so full of myself that I thought it was ok/not wrong to be a bit late sometimes because he's a bit late sometimes. Now I feel like a bad person because he mentioned it." So I'm going to sit with that and I'm sure it will come up again for discussion in the context of what I want to talk about next - that horrible feeling of being bad/wrong I work so very hard to avoid.

My ex-husband told me a long time ago that one of his teachers said, "If you can't be on time, at least be early." Good advice.

I love my new office, BUT it's on the second floor of my house and I spent a lot of time up here yesterday, so I'd best get to the first floor and Do Things. I guess a person who isolates can do it even when alone.

Physically: Morning headache is gone, back is somewhat sore
Mentally: A little bit in a funk
Spiritually: Open

Wiped out - might be due to an increase in one of my meds, but I fell asleep for a few minutes at IOP and another few on the train home.

Anyway...
Physically: Very sleepy
Mentally: Just ok at the moment
Spiritually: Present

At IOP last night I unloaded that junk about the therapist talking to me about being late. It's ridiculous, but I experienced anxiety about his comment all day yesterday and then had more anxiety anticipating talking about it at IOP. I know it's not ridiculous to have the feelings - if I feel anxious, I feel anxious and it's good to acknowledge it. But it is ridiculous to get so bent out of shape about one minor bad thing that's happened over the past couple of weeks. Anyhow, I feel better now.

Sometimes a person from Continuing Care (one day/week after completing the 6-week intensive program) joins our group because they need to make-up from missing their regular group. Last night we had a guy who is BIG into NA. This helped lead to a really good discussion about why people are resisting any of those "A" groups or SMART or whathaveyou. Mostly it's fear of the unknown and preconceived notions of what it is like. There are a couple of people who've expressed that they are isolated now because they can't hang out with their drinking pals. I said, "If nothing else, even if you don't buy into the program, this is a way you can start meeting sober people." I think visitor guy and I might have made a dent in the resistance. Hope so.

AM check-in:
Physically: Back hurts a bit. No headache this morning!
Mentally: Tranquil
Spiritually: Willing to be open

Hey GF,

Big news -- I reorganised my house (with the help of my better-half, a friend and three movers).

Still a lot of work to do, but I am so pleased we did it -- what a change.

Thanks for the inspiration.

Good Morning Obladi :grouphug:

I totally get feeling anxious about the comment your therapist made. I have a tendency to obsess and ruminate about critical comments, whether they are true or not. The idea that I am "wrong" about something or have not done something "perfectly" is something that I struggle with. I know, logically, that Perfection is impossible and that I most certainly am Wrong at times. But still I will wield my heavy bat on my head :a043: "you are not good enough!"

Intellectually, I know better but it is taking longer for my heart to believe that I am okay, screw ups included. Mistakes are allowed and my life goes on. I spend a lot of time telling myself to knock it off to break the rumination cycle. Sometimes, 100 times a day :lmao

I love your updates :grouphug:

Yay, Dropsie!! Isn't it wonderful to rearrange? To me, it makes me feel like I have a new space. I'm still at it, and still enjoying it. NOT looking forward to the "detail work like cleaning out kitchen drawers and whatnot, but I know it will feel great when it's done. Then I'll feel like I "can" paint. Glad to be of service, my dear.

Thanks, rose. I appreciate that you understand that feeling. For a minute, I was like "How will I ever tolerate going back to work if I'm so bothered by this one little thing?" Deep breath, "It's ok - you've still got at least two weeks. Deal with it when it comes." Hmmm - not sure if "knock it off" would work for me - I think I might feel bad about needing to correct myself. Seriously. *sheesh*

Maybe, "take it easy there, friend." :)

Thanks for the idea - I'm gonna try it. Even if it takes 100x/day.

I like "take it easy there, friend." I need to show myself more kindness, for sure! :tyou

Tonight, three people out of a dozen or so owned up to relapsing. I often hear people say in AA meetings that the only time they think about drinking is when they're in a meeting. I guess I just experienced the same because although I haven't contemplated drinking again over the course of the past couple of days, I did tonight. Actually sat there in group counting how many hours I would have available to drink to avoid detection by the 80-hour urine screen. You know, this being a holiday weekend and all, thus 95 hours between Friday night and Tuesday night. I was going to tell on myself but we ran out of time. I probably will do so tomorrow if I'm thinking about it again.

Spoke with my favorite roommate from rehab today and was really glad I was able to get her to talk - I think it was good for both of us.

Home reclamation continues. Dining room and living room are almost done, bathrooms are perfectly habitable, and the spare room is looking good. Just needs some additional flair. So that leaves the kitchen and my bedroom, at least for this first go-round. Tomorrow I vow to at least get the counters cleared and rearranged in the kitchen. This will involve glamorous tasks such as cleaning the toaster and de-greasing all of the counter-top items. Bet you're jealous!

Pretty soon I'm going to need to start making local friends I can invite over to my new (not yet painted) palace.

:c032:

Physically: Good. Tired but not exhausted
Mentally: Leery of that conniving AV
Spiritually: Open

I also have been triggered by people on here who were good on-line friends owning up to drinking and realising that it was an option when I had totally taken it off the table until that point -- weird eh?? It was kind of like a weird sort of permission slip.

Totally crazy right, but the addicted brain is nuts as we all know.

The thing that stops me when those thoughts come up, as they do from time to time, is to remind myself (I am going to try the take it easy there friend) that for me, I cannot have even one sip or its over, totally over, back to square negative one. It is simply poison and for many of us a little non-lethal poison would be better, because drinking is likely to be lethal.

I saw an alcoholic I know well in our village last night. He is dying of that plus other things, but I realised sitting there visiting that this time he does have long and that WILL NOT BE ME. I will die of course, almost did that this year, but not drunk sitting in my chair at the bar apologising about the last stupid thing I did. NOT THIS GIRL.

And not YOU. So do not see others slips as persimmon slips. See them as what they are, sad and potentially tragic mistakes that you will not make, cause you too smart for that this time. Because we know that every slip takes that poor soul back to square minus one.

So lecture over. Back to house. I can one up your kitchen. My youngest decided to move up to her sister's old room, which is great, but is a duplex and we were using the top for storage -- the only good dry storage in the house. So now we have -- you guessed it - NONE. And European house don't have closets -- none, not just no walk ins -- none. Just armoires which lets face it aint the same!

So my exercise room, which I need after my surgery, is totally full with boxes -- I mean totally.

So that is my job. Purging an entire room of stuff and memories. Yuck. Big yuck.

But I am so happy with the rest, and the purging will be good.

XXX

Thanks for that lecture, Dropsie. I may well refer back to it over the course of the day. Getting to my bed tonight without a drop in me will be the key. Re-framing it, I realize that I can do just about anything for one day, so that's what I will do.

Dee said (wrote) the other day something like "alcohol isn't the poison - I am poison once alcohol is in me." I like that a lot because truly this disease/problem/whateveryoucallit is mine. I need to own my actions and choices. I will never get anywhere close to truly enjoying my life unless or until I live with integrity.

Which leads me to my morning affirmation:
Through integrity
Comes self-actualization

Did you coin the phrase permission slips in reference to addiction? I really like the turn of phrase there.

See I would like to do 80 boxes because it's a huge challenge, would keep me in one area focused for a long time, and I would be totally gratified by seeing the stack o boxes diminishing. When does the Great Purge begin? Might I suggest taking pictures as you progress so that you can look back on your accomplishment each day?

Check-In:
Physically: Sore back, NO headache :)
Mentally: Regaining balance with Dropsie's help
Spiritually: Humbled

ONWARD to the kitchen, Ho!

butbutbut......the implication made is that people who go back to drinking are not smart enough not to.
so it's good to ponder if you really believe that.

wherewherewhere... is that implication?