how to handle people who tell others your business
 

how do others handles those who tell whomever about your battles with alcohol? I've had a few people in my life where i've said hey please keep this on the down low its not soething i really want advertised etc.. only to find they told this person or that person and I usually find out from the person they told *Sigh*

its frustrating and I hate to make a huge issue over it so I dont but it does still urk me.

Sometimes I feel like just wearing it as a badge of honor tho yeah so what i'm alcoholic i over came it and other things and turned my life around. ya know really put it out there. But being so reserved I have not really hit that point yet so for now I like to keep it quiet.

I've not really had instances where someone in whom I confided spilled the beans to someone else, but my issue has been telling too many people myself. They've usually kept it to themselves, as far as I can tell, but it has often negatively affected their relationship with me. It adds a somewhat uncomfortable dynamic in that I often perceive them to be suspicious of me. (Note that I said "perceive." It might very well just be paranoia on my part.) If circumstances are ever such that I'm maybe not where I normally would be at a given time, or if I'm tired and my eyes are red, or I trip over my own feet, or anything appears to be less than a perfect "performance," I feel like I get funny looks.

So those who know about me, already know - no changing that - but I'm learning to keep many things between me and my sponsor, and others I know and trust in the program. As far as SR, no one can see if my eyes are red or I trip over my own feet! :)

I kept it totally personal, myself. At least once I was sober, I cut off the information flow, and outside of meetings and counselors, only my closest friends and family knew what was going on, and had been going on. Particularly at work, I told nothing to anyone, and even now the farthest I'll go is, "Alcohol became a problem so I quit years ago", or "Sorry, I already drank my lifetime allotment of alcohol, so I can't go drinking with you", etc. But people will think whatever they want to think, it's one of those things we can't control.

Bingo!!
One of the things I learned in Al Anon which took me a while to fully understand is:
What other people think of me is none of my business.
As far as "friends" gossiping about what you told them in confidence? I would just cut them off and go no contact (or as little contact as possible).

Some people have a rule you don't lend anything you want to see back.

It sucks they broke your trust, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise? If I learned something like that about someone, the only reason I'd bring it up is if I had something to say about it.

well in my case its mainly family telling family or family telling close friends.

I got my hands tied really about doing anything about it. and its frustrating to some degree with alcoholism because of the stigma. ya know before everyone new i drank a lot no big deal but now you put the label on it and suddenly its taken to a whole new level *sigh*.

I dont care much what most of these folks think just frustrated they now know frustrated that it can be the elephant in the room at times that sorta thing.

it is what it is and lucky for me i dont really deal with any of these folks often. But frustrated when i told people hey keep it quiet then they didnt etc..

there is not a whole lot i can do about it at this point.

I have learned tho that going forward i gotta be careful what i tell people. LIke one was my mother she went adn told my grandmother so while in a discussion with her one day my grandmother starts rattling off this one day at a time stuff to me etc.. and other various catch phrases from AA and i'm like ::facepalm:: my mother must have ran her mouth didnt she!! *sigh*

I hope you know that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I think you shouldn't assume that anyone is trying to pass some sort of judgment on you. You have no idea what is going on inside their heads, for all you know they find your ability to change impressive. Either way it doesn't matter because you live in your head. As far as the family that told it is possible they just have really crappy boundary issues and didn't mean any harm. I have been guilty of running my mouth a time or 2.

im sober. yup, had a battle with the bottle.
don't have that any more and im not that man any more.
so it doesn't bother me. no fear if anyone finds out I USED to have a problem with alcohol.
I was confronted once from a family member I hadn't seen in years who mentioned he heard I had a drinking problem. I really didn't care how they found out and wasn't afraid of them or anyone else finding out. hell, it was the truth! I HAD a problem.

yep like i said sometimes i feel ilke ewearing it on my sleeve not being afraid of thorwing it out there to whomever if it comes up or something.

other times i feel like i gotta cower and keep it under wraps.

i sometimes think i gotta figure out which its gonna be.

If I find out someone has been gossiping about me, I tell them I know they did it and to stop doing it!! Then I cut off contact with that person.

That's rude and ignorant of them zjw, best thing is to play it off if it comes up... "What's the big deal?" kind of thing. Thing to recall is a lot of times people like to try and get a rise out of someone. Don't give them the satisfaction.

yeah when my grandmother started bringing it up for her its just one more excuse to put me down about its just how she is she'll never change shes been like that forever. It was my fault for assuming she'd be any different that day.

the others that know havnet really said nothing etc.. I just wish they didnt now know is all. and frustrated that the family members that said soemthing said something at all.

and its like someone else said on another thread about the minister with 13 years and people sit around waiting for him to fail. I have to wonder if a few are like that with me ::rolls eyes::

That was me, referring to a counselor I met during my last rehab.

I know it's frustrating when others seem to want to use our faults against us, as though they have none. But it's like some others here have said, we have no control at all over what other people say or think or do. That said, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm learning to be much more selective about who I share any personal details with. Some I wish I could take back, but it's too late for that. Hell, before I screwed up so badly everyone knew, it was my goal to take care of the problem so no one would ever find out.

Outside of my wife and my sister I have never told anyone else I'm in AA.

Just last week I was asked at work if I drank. I said no. Nothing more to say.

I don't feel comfortable promoting or defending AA outside of the rooms.

Shouldn't worry about it,
only adds to insecurity.

Another thing, what are
their
afflictions?
Ah-Ha!

Picture those folks being the "deer in the headlights".
Shame on them for pointing a finger.

Discretion.

That is one of the unfortunate things is there is alot of negative stigma associated with those with addiction issues. I personally have only told maybe one person about it whom I truly trust and have been supportive and won't tell others. I guess everyone fights the battle differently with those that want to tell everyone to get it out, and others that would rather keep it private as it is a very personal issue to many.

yeah i was quiet at first because if figured if i relapsed i didnt want it thrown in my face by everyone and there mother. nor did i wanna sound all preachy or something. But mainly i wanted to be able to go back out and drink again without people talking about how i fell off the wagon. Figure if they dunno i'm an alcoholic then there was no wagon to fall off right?

but at this point I just like to keep it quiet because I dont want ti used as a ruler against me etc..

On a positive note, having your "problem" out there gives you a new level of accountability. That being said, I think it is your problem, and your recovery is YOUR success...yours to share with the world.

In 2010 I had a period of sobriety. I was silent about it, white knuckling it, doing it alone not telling anyone.

In 2012 I got DUI during a highly contentious divorce. Not only was it in the police blotter, in my very gossipy community, but my now exH took it upon himself to make photo copies and mail them to all of my friends and family. Humiliating.

Of course my drinking was front and center during my divorce trial, although by then I'd had 2 years of continued abstinence and testing to prove it. The judge shut it down pretty quickly, regardless...I was the poster woman for The Life of a Boozy Mom. Not what I'd envisioned for myself years ago when I put myself through college and grad school and created a beautiful home and family.

Forgive yourself. Start there. Shame is so counterproductive, it keeps us stuck.

A friend from another program told me to hold my head high and walk on by those clucking hens who are also probably self medicating with pinot every night. They just haven't developed THE problem....yet. It is a time bomb for all of us.

Be proud of your recovery. Wear it on your sleeve. It will make others uncomfortable...but only those who have their own secrets. The rest of us will be proud of you. It helped me to watch the documentary The Anonymous People.

My kids went to a very "perfect" private school. Everyone seemed to have his/her stuff together. They have "alcohol awareness night"...a required event for parents and students. We broke off into smaller groups to talk about various issues in a debate like format. There was a question on the table..."Should parents be allowed to serve their own kids alcohol so that they aren't tempted to go out into the dangerous world and experiment?" I was firm in my answer NO. I "outed" myself to these people telling them that my parents believed that and in my 30's and 40's I went on a downward spiral that led to addiction, depression and countless social/legal issues. All these "perfect" people sat there looking at me like I was a broken, insane person.

The next day a "perfect" mom called me and asked me how she could get help. Just to get to the "alcohol awareness night" she'd had 4 glasses of wine because it made her so uncomfortable. We've been dear friends ever since. SO many people share this secret. If yours gets leaked, just go with it. You'll be amazed.

I try not to tell people who I know are prone to gossip ie my family but at the end of the day what others think of me is none of my business

One thing that I have learned through this journey is that what others think of me is NOT my business. I don't even want to hear what they think. The only thing that I can do is the next right thing. In my case, I had a DUI. From a very small town and it was in the papers, on our local news website and broadcast on the radio station. Which means for at least 24 hours it was played in all local businesses when they ran the news section.

I was mortified, devastated. Still am! I could not bare the negative talk. In fact, I KNOW there was negative talk, but I did not hear any of it. The only thing I heard was support, well wishes, you can do this. I received cards, texts, emails of all positive. I KNOW the negative is out there. I know there are tons who like to see a successful person fall. But I've also learned how important those closest to me are. The others - well not my problem.

In the end I am learning that I cared WAY too much about what others thought of me. I'm sorry you've had confidence broken. It's hard enough to deal with the embarrassment alone without being insecure that someone you may not want to know of your problem now knows.

Just realizing that the main reason I am hypersensitive to what others say and think right now is that it factors greatly into my chances of restoring my relationship with my children. My ex has full custody and doesn't think much of me no matter what I say or do. It is likely I will soon be facing her in court in an effort to regain unsupervised visitation rights, so I will have a number of people scrutinizing me. I know I can't allow them to affect my behavior one way or the other - I can only be myself - but I am also very aware of their eyes on me and how they will interpret whatever I say and do. It is what it is. I will never give up on my kids.

yeah getmeout I feel as if no ones qualified to be my judge and i'm not qualified to be anyone elses.

but it sure does stink when people got there eye on you etc..

I've never ever been a fan of accountability with others for that reason. I feel no ones qualified to hold me accountable heck i'm barely qualified to do so lol. and I've also noticed there are some that actually enjoy holding others accountable in probably not the healthiest of ways.

I like the idea of wearing it on my sleeve as a way of possibly helping the next guy out but I just need more courage to do so.

I have been through this. Just keep doing the next right thing, see your kids as much as possible so that they can see your healing process. Hang in there.

You know Z it wasn't just the alcohol you dealt with. You also stopped smoking and lost 100 lbs while giving up all processed foods and even meat. You are changing 3 things that cover at least one problem over half the population has trouble with. Even if someone doesn't drink or smoke they very well may have trouble with food. Even if a person doesn't have one of those 3 they probably know someone who does and would like to help them. I don't understand why you think people have their "evil" eye on you. Hasn't anyone complimented you?

early in recovery I told to many people I was in recovery as the years went by I kept it to myself. Example as my kids were playing sports there would be parties and it seemed such a big deal to some of the parents that I did not drink my simple answer was I just don't drink alcohol does not agree with me and would leave it at that. I did even tell my kids I was a recovered alcoholic until they went off to college and then we had a discussion about drinking and possible consequences .

Well, the added stressor is that I have only seen my youngest daughter once in over a year. She has stated that she's not ready to see me again "for a while." I don't know why and no one is telling me anything. That's part of what I want changed, through court if necessary. I won't force her to do anything she's not ready to do, but I want someone to communicate with me what's going on with her. I can't do anything to address a problem if I have no idea what it is.

Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But didn't we, ourselves, set the ball rolling?

"Evil eye" thats a good way to put it.

Yeah i've received compliments. But the problem is me and its a complicated one. Part of it is I'm used to compliments quickly being followed up with some criticisim or being empty or serving someone elses agenda in order to manipulate me. IE compliment me to make me more maluable for there own self serving needs. Its rare it seems a compliment is genuine.

That being said. someone clsoe to me could compliment me today on something and well thats done thats over with now a week from now I'm still thinking but but look at what i achieved! and well no one cares now we noticed complimnet given time to move on.

So sure I lost over 100lbs and did all these things but who cares its in the past. I quit drinking 5 years ago and i still want a trophy? I lost the weight 4 years ago big woop its over and done with same with smoking.

Sure it might matter to some on the board. It might be inspireing. I sure hope it is and does. I share it here in the hopes that someone else will ya know it aint all over for me my story aint done I'm not to old or too sick or ruined myself too much etc.. I can actually still do some of these things.

I met someone years ago tho that recogonized something about me that i never really even quite figured out. They stated i needed constant positive reassurance. Constantly being told hey its gonna be ok hey your doing alright he dont worry about that hey dont sweat the small stuff. THey realized that i needed it so much so that it could be annoying to the person having to dish it out. I thought about that for a sec and was like yeah ya know your right that level of reassurance would get me to some kind of a normal line where as others might get a big head and such.

At the same time someone compliments me today on something. THen the next day is a new day why should they compliment me again? at the same time since they wont cause that would be rediculous to most I kinda start off back where iw as feeling low and having to talk myself back up etc.. to face the new days battle.

I hope this post explains my thinking

The contrast too all this tho is yes those that have there evil eye on me. those that are waiting for me to fail. Those that might pay a compliment as a formality but really they are thinkgin yeah wtvr he'll fall off the wagon again always does. Lucky for me I dont have many of these.

and I know loosing weight quiting booze and smoking is great. But believe me there are many where I might say hey you know I was able to quit that or something and they get an attitude with me. They see it as me preaching on my pedastal or something even tho i desperatly try to not do that. So there is that aspect as well.

You mention you quit these things and such and its amazing the number of different reactions you could get. Sometimes its just easier to keep it to yourself.