zjw

how do others handles those who tell whomever about your battles with alcohol? I've had a few people in my life where i've said hey please keep this on the down low its not soething i really want advertised etc.. only to find they told this person or that person and I usually find out from the person they told *Sigh*

its frustrating and I hate to make a huge issue over it so I dont but it does still urk me.

Sometimes I feel like just wearing it as a badge of honor tho yeah so what i'm alcoholic i over came it and other things and turned my life around. ya know really put it out there. But being so reserved I have not really hit that point yet so for now I like to keep it quiet.

KAD

I've not really had instances where someone in whom I confided spilled the beans to someone else, but my issue has been telling too many people myself. They've usually kept it to themselves, as far as I can tell, but it has often negatively affected their relationship with me. It adds a somewhat uncomfortable dynamic in that I often perceive them to be suspicious of me. (Note that I said "perceive." It might very well just be paranoia on my part.) If circumstances are ever such that I'm maybe not where I normally would be at a given time, or if I'm tired and my eyes are red, or I trip over my own feet, or anything appears to be less than a perfect "performance," I feel like I get funny looks.

So those who know about me, already know - no changing that - but I'm learning to keep many things between me and my sponsor, and others I know and trust in the program. As far as SR, no one can see if my eyes are red or I trip over my own feet!

JeffreyAK

I kept it totally personal, myself. At least once I was sober, I cut off the information flow, and outside of meetings and counselors, only my closest friends and family knew what was going on, and had been going on. Particularly at work, I told nothing to anyone, and even now the farthest I'll go is, "Alcohol became a problem so I quit years ago", or "Sorry, I already drank my lifetime allotment of alcohol, so I can't go drinking with you", etc. But people will think whatever they want to think, it's one of those things we can't control.

Carlotta

Bingo!!
One of the things I learned in Al Anon which took me a while to fully understand is:
What other people think of me is none of my business.
As far as "friends" gossiping about what you told them in confidence? I would just cut them off and go no contact (or as little contact as possible).

Che

Some people have a rule you don't lend anything you want to see back.

It sucks they broke your trust, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise? If I learned something like that about someone, the only reason I'd bring it up is if I had something to say about it.

zjw

well in my case its mainly family telling family or family telling close friends.

I got my hands tied really about doing anything about it. and its frustrating to some degree with alcoholism because of the stigma. ya know before everyone new i drank a lot no big deal but now you put the label on it and suddenly its taken to a whole new level *sigh*.

I dont care much what most of these folks think just frustrated they now know frustrated that it can be the elephant in the room at times that sorta thing.

it is what it is and lucky for me i dont really deal with any of these folks often. But frustrated when i told people hey keep it quiet then they didnt etc..

there is not a whole lot i can do about it at this point.

I have learned tho that going forward i gotta be careful what i tell people. LIke one was my mother she went adn told my grandmother so while in a discussion with her one day my grandmother starts rattling off this one day at a time stuff to me etc.. and other various catch phrases from AA and i'm like ::facepalm:: my mother must have ran her mouth didnt she!! *sigh*

silentrun

I hope you know that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I think you shouldn't assume that anyone is trying to pass some sort of judgment on you. You have no idea what is going on inside their heads, for all you know they find your ability to change impressive. Either way it doesn't matter because you live in your head. As far as the family that told it is possible they just have really crappy boundary issues and didn't mean any harm. I have been guilty of running my mouth a time or 2.

tomsteve

im sober. yup, had a battle with the bottle.
don't have that any more and im not that man any more.
so it doesn't bother me. no fear if anyone finds out I USED to have a problem with alcohol.
I was confronted once from a family member I hadn't seen in years who mentioned he heard I had a drinking problem. I really didn't care how they found out and wasn't afraid of them or anyone else finding out. hell, it was the truth! I HAD a problem.

zjw

yep like i said sometimes i feel ilke ewearing it on my sleeve not being afraid of thorwing it out there to whomever if it comes up or something.

other times i feel like i gotta cower and keep it under wraps.

i sometimes think i gotta figure out which its gonna be.

least

If I find out someone has been gossiping about me, I tell them I know they did it and to stop doing it!! Then I cut off contact with that person.

sleepie

That's rude and ignorant of them zjw, best thing is to play it off if it comes up... "What's the big deal?" kind of thing. Thing to recall is a lot of times people like to try and get a rise out of someone. Don't give them the satisfaction.

zjw

yeah when my grandmother started bringing it up for her its just one more excuse to put me down about its just how she is she'll never change shes been like that forever. It was my fault for assuming she'd be any different that day.

the others that know havnet really said nothing etc.. I just wish they didnt now know is all. and frustrated that the family members that said soemthing said something at all.

and its like someone else said on another thread about the minister with 13 years and people sit around waiting for him to fail. I have to wonder if a few are like that with me ::rolls eyes::

KAD

That was me, referring to a counselor I met during my last rehab.

I know it's frustrating when others seem to want to use our faults against us, as though they have none. But it's like some others here have said, we have no control at all over what other people say or think or do. That said, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm learning to be much more selective about who I share any personal details with. Some I wish I could take back, but it's too late for that. Hell, before I screwed up so badly everyone knew, it was my goal to take care of the problem so no one would ever find out.

Ken33xx

Outside of my wife and my sister I have never told anyone else I'm in AA.

Just last week I was asked at work if I drank. I said no. Nothing more to say.

I don't feel comfortable promoting or defending AA outside of the rooms.

lunar

Shouldn't worry about it,
only adds to insecurity.

Another thing, what are
their
afflictions?
Ah-Ha!

Picture those folks being the "deer in the headlights".
Shame on them for pointing a finger.

Gottalife

Discretion.

Forward12

That is one of the unfortunate things is there is alot of negative stigma associated with those with addiction issues. I personally have only told maybe one person about it whom I truly trust and have been supportive and won't tell others. I guess everyone fights the battle differently with those that want to tell everyone to get it out, and others that would rather keep it private as it is a very personal issue to many.

zjw

yeah i was quiet at first because if figured if i relapsed i didnt want it thrown in my face by everyone and there mother. nor did i wanna sound all preachy or something. But mainly i wanted to be able to go back out and drink again without people talking about how i fell off the wagon. Figure if they dunno i'm an alcoholic then there was no wagon to fall off right?

but at this point I just like to keep it quiet because I dont want ti used as a ruler against me etc..

Ponies965

On a positive note, having your "problem" out there gives you a new level of accountability. That being said, I think it is your problem, and your recovery is YOUR success...yours to share with the world.

In 2010 I had a period of sobriety. I was silent about it, white knuckling it, doing it alone not telling anyone.

In 2012 I got DUI during a highly contentious divorce. Not only was it in the police blotter, in my very gossipy community, but my now exH took it upon himself to make photo copies and mail them to all of my friends and family. Humiliating.

Of course my drinking was front and center during my divorce trial, although by then I'd had 2 years of continued abstinence and testing to prove it. The judge shut it down pretty quickly, regardless...I was the poster woman for The Life of a Boozy Mom. Not what I'd envisioned for myself years ago when I put myself through college and grad school and created a beautiful home and family.

Forgive yourself. Start there. Shame is so counterproductive, it keeps us stuck.

A friend from another program told me to hold my head high and walk on by those clucking hens who are also probably self medicating with pinot every night. They just haven't developed THE problem....yet. It is a time bomb for all of us.

Be proud of your recovery. Wear it on your sleeve. It will make others uncomfortable...but only those who have their own secrets. The rest of us will be proud of you. It helped me to watch the documentary The Anonymous People.

My kids went to a very "perfect" private school. Everyone seemed to have his/her stuff together. They have "alcohol awareness night"...a required event for parents and students. We broke off into smaller groups to talk about various issues in a debate like format. There was a question on the table..."Should parents be allowed to serve their own kids alcohol so that they aren't tempted to go out into the dangerous world and experiment?" I was firm in my answer NO. I "outed" myself to these people telling them that my parents believed that and in my 30's and 40's I went on a downward spiral that led to addiction, depression and countless social/legal issues. All these "perfect" people sat there looking at me like I was a broken, insane person.

The next day a "perfect" mom called me and asked me how she could get help. Just to get to the "alcohol awareness night" she'd had 4 glasses of wine because it made her so uncomfortable. We've been dear friends ever since. SO many people share this secret. If yours gets leaked, just go with it. You'll be amazed.

Soberwolf

I try not to tell people who I know are prone to gossip ie my family but at the end of the day what others think of me is none of my business